Don Olund - Helping couples and families connect Hinsdale, IL

Connect Your Life

donald — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 20:53:29 +0000

Connect Your Life October 28, 2008 Don Olund MA, LCPC, NCC How many plugs does it take to get you connected? For me, it begins with the coffee maker and ends with the alarm clock. In between, well let’s just say there are more plugs than I’d care to list. Technology is meant to make life easier, but in reality, it can leave us feeling disconnected. It appears we’re becoming more attached to our devices than to our relationships. Humans are hardwired for relationships. Theology and science agree. In the biblical account of the creation of man God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Recent research conducted by the New Scientific Case for Authoritative Communities concluded, “the brain is designed to grow and develop in primary connection to another human relationship. In other words, we are designed to live in meaningful relationships. Think about it. Consider the highlight moments in your life. What made them special? Most people would say it was sharing it with someone else. My wife and I enjoyed watching the 2008 Summer Olympics. We felt a strong connection to the American athletes like Michael Phelps and Shawn Johnson who represented our country so honorably. Yet, we also ached for athletes like Alicia Sacramone who fell short. Throughout the olympic coverage you could see family members and friends embraced in triumph or defeat. In either case, there was a strong bond that fused their hearts together. I hit the 50th birthday milestone this year. I have taken time to reflect on my life and set goals for the second half. One of the goals I wrote in January is to be more connected. My three primary areas of connection are: God, self, and others. I’ve done several things to reach this goal. For example, I started journaling regularly. I use MacJournal because I process better on a laptop than with pen and paper. Through journaling I connect with God by writing about things I read in the Bible or experience day-to-day. Journaling also helps me connect with what is going on inside of me. Connecting with others has been fascinating. This year I reconnected with a core of friends I hung around with in grammar school and high school. We haven’t seen each other in over 30 years and when we met the connection is still strong. I have also enjoyed hanging out with my posse at the health club, an assortment of young and middle-age men who play basketball three days a week. We enjoy the exercise and competition, but its the camaraderie that connects us. My wife and I stay connected by taking time weekly for walks at the Arboretum or sitting on our deck with a cup of java. We talk about the typical stuff: work, household, finances, kids, etc... But we also make it a priority to share what’s going on in our lives--books we’re reading, ideas we have, dreams for the future, and spiritual matters (because spirituality connects us). The ROI (return on investment) is colossal! Our individualistic culture and pace of life makes developing healthy relationships a challenge. Consequently, as a society we’ve become more self-absorbed and detached. Individuals tend to fill this void by connecting to possessions instead of people. The gratification is immediate but short-lived. So the process is repeated until a pattern is formed. Not good. How do you break the pattern? Connect your life. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t mean that it is easy to do. Getting connected means modifying the pace of your life to spend quality time with others. The best place to start is in your closest circle of relationships. For most people this is your family. Break routine and do something different. Play a game instead of watching television. Bike a trail. You get the idea. Remember, breaking old patterns and starting new ones requires time and effort. Don’t give up if it doesn’t go well the first time. Work at it. In future blogs, I will write more about ways to connect your life. I would like you to share your thoughts and ideas with me. don@donolund.com

How To Stay Connected To Your Teen

donald — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 15:05:28 +0000

Raising a responsible teenager is a parent’s dream. Living with an irresponsible teenager is a parent’s nightmare! The task of raising teens today is challenging for some and frightening for others. Cyber-culture teens are exposed to multiple streams of information that shape identity and influence behavior. Face Book, Twitter and iPhones are among many portals of escape teens will use to connect with peers and disconnect from family. Worried parents often wonder, “Am I losing connection with my teen?” To answer that question, let’s begin by looking at what’s going on during adolescence. It boils down to one word, “change”.

Change is a part of adolescent development

Physical Changes

Teens undergo significant and rapid change during puberty. Physical and hormonal change seem to happen overnight. In addition to the physical transformation is the emergence of a sexual identity.

Identity Changes

So, not only is the teen body in a state of flux, the identity is too! Erick Erickson called this stage of development, “identity vs. inferiority”. Throughout adolescence teens try on different “identity hats” to see what fits. Watch this process unfold by observing teens experiment with different clothes styles, hair styles, music tastes, peer groups, etc… Independence is their mantra. Don’t be too alarmed when your teen questions your rules or challenges your authority. You may even notice changes in your relationship with your teen. It may feel like they are pulling away from you. Actually, this is a normal process in identity formation.

Social Changes

Finally, another unsettling change you may notice in your teen is a shift from family dependence to peer dependence. Suddenly, they want to spend all their time with their friends. At home you may find them on their cell phones or text messaging the friends they just left minutes ago! When you tell them to get off the phone they head for the computer where they can email, meet in chat rooms, or instant message. Now, let’s examine the warning signs that indicate your teen may be pulling away too much.

Warning Signs Indicating Too Much Change

Isolating from family

One of the first signs is a pattern of isolation when they are at home. If your teen spends an inordinate amount of time playing video games, watching TV, talking on the phone, or bunkered down in their bedroom, with very little interaction with family members, it signals a disconnect. Preoccupation with friends If all their free time is spent hanging out with friends, talking on the phone, text messaging, etc… and minimal interest in spending time with the family it’s a sign they are drifting.

Lack of respect at home

A third sign is often detected in the tone of their interaction with family members. It can be summed up in one word: respect. Parental influence can be measured by how their teenager talks to them and responds to their requests. If your teen reacts by yelling, swearing, or defiant behavior, it is an indicator of disrespect. When respect disintegrates, the parent-teen relationship suffers. By the way, teens have no respect for parents who lose control. Your best bet is to know your buttons and disarm them.

By the way, Respect Goes Two Ways

Here’s a couple of tips on showing teens respect. Respect their right to speak. You don’t have to agree with them, but listen and try to understand. Respect their need for space. This may sound like a contradiction to what was said earlier about isolation. The point is teens need to have their own space and a little time where they can be by themselves.

Academic or Behavior Problems

A fourth sign to watch out for is the emergence of academic and/or behavioral problems. Teens who pull away tend to show their opposition to their parents by doing poorly in school or by defying household rules.

Risk-taking Behavior

Finally, if you notice a pattern of risk-taking behavior such as drug and/or alcohol use, staying out all night, or other signs of poor impulse control, you have a problem on your hands. If a teen is out-of-control, it is important for parents to take control of the situation.

How to Stay Connected to Your Teen

Start with Listening

Your kids can quote your speeches. They've heard them a thousand times. Yet, you do not get the change you're expecting. Exhausted yet? Try doing some listening.

Ask Curiosity Questions

Notice I said "curiosity" not "interrogation". Curiosity questions have a neutral tone of showing interest or concern. It's about understanding what is happening from your teen's point of view. Curiosity questions require you to be open, not reactive or defensive. The key is to present yourself in a manner in which your teen will feel comfortable opening up to you. Here are a few examples of curiosity questions. "I can see you are upset right now. Can you tell me what it's about?" "You've been distant lately. Is there a problem?" "It seems like nothing is going your way lately. Care to talk about it?"

Seek to understand before you respond

Basically, what this means is try to convey back to your teen what he/she is saying. Here's an example. "You're upset because your friend was being rude to you." "So you're saying your distant because you think mom and I treat you like a child." "What you're saying is, nothing is going the way you planned and you feel terrible."

Keep your cool in your response

You may not like, nor agree with what you hear. That's okay. What happens next is very important. Keep your cool. If you can't then don't say anything. Take a break. Address it once you calm down. If you are calm, speak with respect. After you convey an understanding of where your teen is coming from, address the situation from your point of view. Give them reasons why you hold this position. "Because I said so!", doesn't fly. Give them your reason(s) to support your decision. They don't have to like or agree with them, but they also need to understand you too.

Balance Love & Limits

An imbalance of one or the other is not good for parent-teen connection. Nor is it good for adolescent development. Teens don't need parents do be a friend. Nor do they need them to be gestapo! Do not connect the expression of your love to their behavior. Love them unconditionally. When you set limits, enforce them. Try making them last one day. Let every morning be a fresh start on improving behavior. Avoid grounding or taking away privileges for an extended period of time, unless of course the bad behavior warrants it.

Spend some time in their world

Listen to their music with them. Go to a movie of their choice. Play a video game with them. A little time in their world gives you a window to observe what influences their thinking, what interests them. It will open the door to interesting dialog. Isn't that a form of connection?

Step in when their behavior is out of control

If your teens behavior is alarming. If you see a pattern. By all means, step in. I tell teens, "If you don't control your behavior, your parents will, and you probably won't like the outcome." Teens with behavioral problems need intervention. This is a time for parents to step in and do whatever is necessary to get them back on track. Intervention may require the assistance of mental health professionals who are experts in helping families. Wise parents take advantage of the support counseling services provide. As a relationship specialist, I understand the complexities of parent-teen relationships. My goal is to help families make and keep the connections they cherish. In family therapy, parents and teens learn how to stop conflict cycles and discover more effective ways of communicating where mutual respect is honored. Parents learn how to disengage from power struggles. Teens learn how to manage their behavior and get back on track academically. Individual counseling can address specific adolescent problems such as impulse control, social interaction, and management of mood and anxiety-based disorders. Marriage counseling is available for couples in conflict over parenting styles, or needing assistance in balancing the needs of marriage and parenting. Are you losing connection with your teen or your spouse because of family difficulty? Don’t let them drift too far away before you take action. Contact Don. He finds solutions that work! don@donolund.com

How To Reconnect To Your First Love

donald — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 02:41:51 +0000

February 14 is a red letter day for young and old alike. Children exchange Valentines and candy hearts. For adults, love is expressed in beautifully crafted cards, and if the recipient is someone special a card is often accompanied by roses or a box of chocolates! For many, falling in love is a magical experience. Cupid’s arrow pierces the heart and strange things occur. A guy who dislikes poetry, is transformed into a poet, writing sonnets to the object of his affection. He is also likely to pass on the premier of “Iron Man” to see “Sex & The City” with his girl. Likewise, a girl smitten by love will alter plans with her girlfriends when the man she declares “the perfect guy” calls. In time, many couples take the marriage plunge. While they notice their partner has some “minor flaws,” they are convinced this will change once “we are married”. Over time, the magic wears off. The poet turns into a pundit on “your” flaws. The “perfect guy” (or girl) now has some glaring imperfections. Most couples go into marriage with unrealistic expectations. In reality, marriage is the union of two imperfect people! Studies indicate that couple satisfaction levels rise during engagement and slowly decline shortly after marriage. It continues to dip during the child rearing stage as couples faced with numerous challenges raising a family, have very little time and energy to invest in each other. For those who hang in there over the years, statistics show satisfaction rising to a high water mark. Often the real problem affecting satisfaction is when couples forget to do the things that made their relationship special in the beginning. They stop investing in each other. The Bible calls it “losing your first love.” In the book of Revelation, the church of Ephesus was commended for doing many things right. Yet, Christ pointed out a problem they overlooked, “You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.” (Revelation 2:4,5) While these folks were doing some good things, they had forgotten their first love. They mistook religion for relationship. To get back on track they were offered a simple, tri-fold remedy: remember, repent and return. This treatment plan is ideal for couples having lost the magic in their marriage. The first step is remember. Remember what you were like when you fell in love. Dust off the picture album, open the shoe box of poetry, cards and letters. Reminisce about the romantic dates, the fun excursions, and how alive you felt. Stroll down memory lane, even if it means you have to drive a ways to get there! The next step is to repent, which means “go in the opposite direction”. This requires self-examination with a dose of humility and honesty. It may include having to ask for forgiveness for your attitude or actions. Assigning blame is counter-productive. Christ called this form of judging, “looking at the speck in your partner’s eye while failing to see the speck in your own eye.” (paraphrase) Time and energy is better served by working on yourself while leaving your mate to God. The final step is to return to your first love by following Jesus’ excellent advice. “Do the things you did at first.” Going on real dates, giving cards, showing a genuine interest in each other are most likely things you did early on. It probably wouldn’t hurt your marriage to return to these “first love” activities. There are many external and internal stressors impacting marriages today. Couples often report dissatisfaction, hurt and loneliness. Clearly, many marriages are suffering pain. You may be wondering if there is any use in trying to make yours work. Let me suggest that as a couple you try it. The biblical model described is both prescriptive and preventative, offering couples healing, happiness and hope. Valentines Day is a perfect time to return to your first love. Get out of your comfort zone. Be creative, not predictable. Guys, take the lead! Plan a romantic date. Pick a new restaurant. Wash the car. Dress up. Express your thoughts in a card or poem. Go with your heart. You can do it! don@donolund.com

What Dads do to Stay Connected With Their Kids

donald — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 13:00:23 +0000

A couple of years ago my mother celebrated her 75th birthday. My three brothers and sister decided to throw a surprise party to celebrate this milestone event. My contribution included creating a media-based, historical portrayal of her life. So I set about gathering pictures from relatives dating as far back as mom’s grandparents. Using my mac, and combining photos and music, I portrayed mom’s life story from childhood to her current role-- great grandmother. As I started sorting through the pictures that featured my father I felt a familiar ache in my heart. Tear-filled eyes made it hard to focus on the photos of dad who passed away fifteen years ago. Memories brought me back to those far away places where we shared life together. In that moment I sighed, “I still miss my dad.” My dad was not perfect, but he was a good man. He was old school. No question who was in charge. A stoic Swede, emotional expression was not his strong suit. In terms of work ethic and parental responsibility, he was as dependable as a Swiss watch. Dad was a man of few words. He let his actions speak for him. No question, he left a positive imprint in my life. As I was skimming through my musical library looking for the right songs to play with the pictures I came across two songs by different artists. Both songs describe a relationship with their fathers, yet with different sentiments. The first was a song by Cat Stevens called, “Father and Son”. The song describes the disconnect he had with his dad over the expectations about the path of his life. The second song written by the late Dan Fogelberg called, “Leader of the Band” was written about the influence his father had in shaping his life. Recently I asked a few men I regard as great fathers to answer some questions about being dads. These men were chosen not because they are perfect or have the storybook life as a dad. Rather, they were selected because they take the role seriously and have maintained solid connections with their kids-- for some into adulthood. I compiled their responses and offer them to all dads as a gift of inspiration to you on Father’s Day.

What are two or three key traits you consider essential in being an influential father?

Honesty was a trait high on the list of responses from the dads. Being a man of your word, keeping your promises, and admitting when you’re wrong was a trait these men consider essential. Consistency was also highly revered as a positive trait. As one dad put it, “if a father is not consistent then a child will not know what to believe.” Along with consistency, the men related the importance of investing time in their children. Attending sporting events, recitals, school events, are considered “no brainers” by these guys. One single-father related how he and his son cook together one night a week. They alternate weeks choosing recipes and work side-by-side in the kitchen. They use this time together to talk about “guy stuff”. Several of the men spoke of the importance of modeling spirituality for their kids. For these guys, it begins with attending church and includes reading and praying with their children. Spirituality also involves setting an example by living a life of faith in action. One father stressed the importance of making your life stand for something beyond career success. He emphasized finding a greater cause, one that involves servanthood, sacrifice, and caring for the needs of others. High on the list of traits was showing affection. More than one dad highlighted the need to allow children to see dad show affection to his wife. Show kids affection in words, hugs and kisses. They warn dads not to display affection only when your kids are doing what you want, but to show love unconditionally.

What do sons need from their fathers?

One dad captured the need of this generation when he called for fathers to teach their sons how to show respect. Respecting their mothers, females in general, and those in authority is essential. Modeling respectful behavior is a must for these dads. Saying one thing and doing another is unacceptable behavior for an influential dad. The discipline to listen before you lecture is what another man stated sons need from their dads. So often fathers react to things which causes their sons to withdraw. Young men need to be able to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of being corrected or lectured. Father=son bond is strengthened by healthy dialog. One dad stressed the need for calmness stating, “boys don’t respect you when your face is red and your voice is raised.” Finally, sons need their fathers to allow them the freedom to follow their own path and to offer support. Dads reported the mistake of trying to get their sons to do things they are not “wired” to do. They warn men not to be “too overprotective” of their sons and to allow them to learn about life by making mistakes. Dads make great consultants to older sons learning how do achieve their independence. Being nearby, dads can help them sort through their mistakes and learn how to solve their problems.

What advice would you give to dads in terms of building a relationship with their sons?

In addition to spending time with sons, these dads spoke in terms of having a heart-to-heart connection. One pastor related his focus on sharing spiritual values from his heart to his son’s heart. One dad learned that at times his son needed his father to be a friend by listening and allowing him to speak what is on his heart. There are times when a listener is needed more than a lecturer. This requires a shift in relating. You don’t always have to have an answer or solve the problem. Sons need to know you care more about them than their behavior. One dad talked about doing one-on-one outings and trips with his son. Marking moments by going on fishing trips, mountain climbing, or involvement in humanitarian or missions projects are a few examples of how dads and sons can take their relationships to a deeper level.

Can you share the biggest mistake you made as a parent? What did you do to correct it?

One dad related two mistakes: putting work ahead of kids and not giving them enough encouragement. He stated that over time he made adjustments in both areas, but regretted he missed valuable opportunities. Another father said his biggest mistake was hiding his mistakes from his kids. He admitted he set the bar too high by trying to be perfect. Later in life he learned to be honest with his kids about his failings and discovered that being transparent drew them closer together. Being too critical of his kids’ mistakes was a flaw one father shared. When he saw his kids displaying the same behavior, he viewed it as a wake-up call. He says he measures his words more carefully now. Also, being too much of a friend is a mistake admitted another father. Kids need a parent who establishes and enforces rules, sets limits, and corrects behavior. He stresses the need for balance so that kids can thrive. Finally, one dad talked about his tendency to cast a large shadow by his formidable presence in the home. By asserting “first chair” status, he made it difficult for those around him to flourish. His solution? He is learning to assume the “power down” position by taking second chair, allowing his wife or son to take the lead when necessary. Giving up control and sharing power often yields better results.

Conclusion...

Fatherhood is one of the most significant roles in life. Unlike a career in which you spend years in education and training before you are deemed qualified, parenthood does not come with a training manual. Most parents “learn on the fly” and make many mistakes along the way. Truth be told, there is no such thing as a perfect parent, child, or family. We are imperfect dads who love our imperfect kids. As we come upon Fathers Day I encourage you to do two things. First, if your father is still alive take time to express your love and appreciation to him. Hug your dad, look in his eyes and tell him you love him. Secondly, if you are a father of growing children, think about one or two traits shared by the dads in this article that you can add to your life. Purpose to work these into your repertoire of parenting skills. You too will grow as an influential father!

5 Tips To Keep the Holidays Happy

donald — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:31:23 +0000

Another holiday season is upon us and the “hustle and bustle” is more like a “mad” rush! Thanksgiving Thursday is overshadowed by Black Friday, enticing holiday shoppers from the dinner table to the waiting line in order to get the best bargains stores have to offer. For some, the pressure is not only about purchases but about people they will visit during the holidays . Increasingly there appears to be a sentiment among many that the holidays are not happy but horrible due to family problems or losses experienced. Rather than “embrace” the holidays, they are simply trying to “endure” them. Requests for counseling increase at this time of year. Some of our clients ask, “Is it possible to keep the happy in the holidays?” The answer of course is yes. However, it is a matter of choosing what to focus on. Here are 5 tips to think about as you approach the holidays.

Set realistic expectations with people and with yourself

Oftentimes people are hurt or disappointed because they are expecting something others are unlikely to give. You hope for a compliment, yet end up with a complaint. Don’t go overboard trying to do too much to make others happy or gain their approval. Live within your own limits. Be true to yourself.

Set financial limits on spending

Spend within your limits. Communicate this with family members. This will reduce stress emotionally and financially.

Spend time remembering those you lost

The holidays are especially painful for those who lost loved ones. Share pictures, tell stories, laugh and cry together.Spend time caring for the less fortunate. Caring for the needy, the lonely, and hurting people is a good way to keep the happy in the holidays. The words of Jesus Christ make sense, “It is better to give, than to receive.” Your community or church may offer opportunities for you to serve the less fortunate during the holiday season. Caring can cure your pain.

Embrace the virtues of the season

Themes of joy, peace, hope, and love remind us of the reason for the season. Choose joy in the face of adversity. As far as it depends on you, live at peace with others. Place your hope in God to see you through.

Finally, give the best gift of all this holiday season

Give the gift of a kind, respectful, and loving self to others.

Curiosity-The Cure for Confusing Communication

donald — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:46:41 +0000

Has it ever felt like pulling teeth getting a clear answer from a person with whom you are trying to have simple conversation? I hear this often in my work with couples and families. The person talking is frustrated because the person listening is not listening, while the person listening is frustrated because the person talking is not making sense (at least to them)! Get two frustrated people in the same conversation and the outcome is not good. What’s causing the confusion? Most often it is misassumption, either on the speaker or the listener, or both. The speaker assumes the person listening knows what they mean, while the listener assumes they know what the speaker is talking about. What’s missing is some basic understanding. The cure is a dose of curiosity. Here’s what I mean.

Curiosity questions enhance understanding

If the person talking thinks you are showing an interest in what they have to say they will likely open up even more. However, it is important when showing curiosity it is done sincerely, not in a patronizing or interrogating manner. Let me give you a few examples of how it would look. The curiosity questions are highlighted in blue. Parent: You are falling behind on your homework again! I thought you said you did your homework? Parent: I noticed you are falling behind on your homework. Can you help me understand what you think the problem is your having getting it done on time? Husband: You ran up the credit card for the third month in a row! Don’t you care about our bills? Husband: Our credit card has a high balance now for three straight months. Can you help me understand from your perspective why the trend? Notice how the curious approach avoids making assumptions? Instead, it invites the person to give their perspective on the issue. It could be that they will give you an answer that makes sense. For example, the teen may not be doing homework because of a learning problem or low confidence. The wife may explain that the increase in credit card spending is due to a legitimate increase in expenses. In either case, it opens a dialog that can lead to positive solutions.

Curiosity questions can change the tone of a conversation

I use them every day in my work with clients in counseling. Here are a few I think work well in helping people open up. “That sounds interesting. Could you tell me more?” “How do you think you want to handle the situation?” “Could you help me understand what led you to make this decision?” “I can see you are upset. Can you tell me what you are feeling?” “What do you need from me right now?” Curiosity is a cure for confusing communication because it shows respect to the other person. Don’t be surprised when they show you respect back. Practice this art form and you will be less confused and more connected to the people you care about.

Reclaim Your Retro Love

donald — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:16:00 +0000

Notice the infatuation with the sixties theme? From clothing fads, TV shows and movies, to iTunes re-mastered works of the Beatles, Pink Floyd, and other artists of the counter-cultural revolution it appears people seek a “nostalgia fix” these days. It makes me want to say “groovy man”. Some of what we see is simply a marketing ploy to the baby-boomer generation who are now entering retirement years and have money to spend. However, for many of us who grew up in or around that era, a part of us longs to shed ourselves of the burden of our responsibilities and embrace the “peace, love, and harmony” of our free-spirit past.

I detect a similar longing in couples who feel overwhelmed by the pressure of the responsibilities they shoulder on a daily basis. Couples juggling the tasks of managing a home, raising children, and the demands of their careers, find little time left for each other. Consequently, most of their interactions focus on the “tasks” of family life which can make their marriage function more like a business partnership than soul mates. It leaves many wondering if they can get the feeling back they had when they were young, fun-loving, and free.

Often, In my work with couples, finding “retro-love” is one of the goals we address. I define “retro-love” as the experience of adventure, pleasure, friendship, and romance couples shared when they fell in love. We are not trying to recreate the “first high” of love, for this is a myth. However, it is possible for couples to create new experiences of fun, freedom, and intimacy in their relationship while still juggling the responsibilities of adult life. So, how does this happen? Here are three simple ideas to consider.

STEP 1: re-prioritize your relationship

Instead of being last on the list (which means never), couples move up as near to the top as possible. Included in this mental shift is viewing time and money spent on the relationship as an “investment” not an “expense” with dividends that benefit everyone in the family including the kids. Happy parents fight less!

STEP 2: Find “pockets of time” and “planned time” to spend together

Pockets of time can happen any time during the day from five minutes to an hour where the couple can connect without interruption of kids, tasks, or media devices. Sitting on the deck with a cup of java, a walk around the block, or whatever-- I think you get the meaning. Planned time is a date night or other activity couples schedule to go out for mutual enjoyment. I find that couples who add new adventures rather than old routines, capture the essence of what it was like when they first dated. Planned time can include weekenders without kids. I know of a couple who annually book a couple of nights downtown Chicago. Here they enjoy great restaurants, shows, and the many attractions the city offers.

STEP 3: remove the “role hats” and wear the “freedom hats”

Of course I am speaking metaphorically, but the point is in order to get the most of the time together, couples have to be clear on what they want to experience. This is not a time to talk about your roles and tasks. Instead, the time can be spent playing, relaxing, bicycling, or taking dance lessons. Talking can be dreaming about your future, things you want to accomplish, places you want to visit, or what you value as a couple. In short, it is about connecting, knowing each other, and sharing life together. Retro-love is really not that complicated when you think about it. People make time to do things they enjoy. Yet, a laid out plan does not guarantee execution. Some couples still resist spending time together because they have pent up resentment toward each other. Tired of fighting, they avoid couple time for fear it will turn into another argument. Deep down they may still love each other but they struggle showing it because of the unresolved hurt. If your relationship is suffering due to the time and energy you devote to the roles and responsibilities you manage then take some action. Try the three-step approach to retro-love. For those who are stuck due to a stockpile of unresolved conflicts and resentment I recommend couples counseling. A few sessions can help you learn how repair hurt and manage conflict so that it doesn’t remain a barrier to companionship and intimacy. As a relational communication specialist, I assist couples in shifting negative patterns to positive connections. Having the tools and rules of engagement can help you fight less and connect more. Feel free to email me or call our office for an appointment.

Consider a Controlled Burn: How to Manage Anger in an Argument

donald — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 12:31:31 +0000

My wife and I are members of the Morton Arboretum. Over the years we have logged many miles walking the beautifully landscaped paths, finding something interesting in every season. Recently on a spring walk, I took this picture of a controlled burn that is conducted annually in designated areas. To the casual onlooker the aftermath of the burn, a ground cover of smoldering ash, may suggest something afoul occurred. Actually, the burn was intentional, planned to unearth the healthiest vegetation the environment can offer. Controlled, or prescribed burns are designed to prevent major wildfires and to enhance growth in the ecosystem. As we walked that morning I thought about how often couples have wildfire arguments that do a lot of damage to their relationship (and family if they have kids). Couples who don’t know how to resolve their conflicts, tend to let them accumulate, much like fallen leaves settle on the ground over seasons. When something finally ignites the residue of past conflicts, an intense conflict occurs. Anger flares out of control and individuals say and do things that inflict harm on one another. The aftermath of a wildfire conflict is devastation, and sometimes the innocent (children) are hurt in the process. Wildfire conflicts are unnecessary if couples learn how to manage their anger and resolve their conflicts successfully, together. In my work with couples I often say, “either you manage your conflicts or your conflicts manage you.” The same principle applies to anger; you have to learn how to control it. Men often state that they avoid conflicts because they fear how they will react in anger. However, this strategy does not work because the conflicts build and eventually the guy explodes in anger. This is not a gender-specific problem. Women also struggle managing their emotions in conflict. The combination of two people out-of-control emotionally will produce a wildfire argument. A controlled burn is a safer, healthier option. Here’s some tips on how to conduct a controlled burn:

Manage your emotions so you can express them carefully

Take deep breaths while you count to ten. This will relax your mind & body. Use “I statements” to make your point. “I became angry when...” vs. “You made me angry when...” Take yoga or other body/mind relaxation courses to develop good habits. Seek counseling as a means to learn anger management skills.

Confront the problem early before it accumulates over time

Avoiding issues in a marriage only makes them harder to resolve over time. Be willing to listen to your partner’s perspective on the issue. When an offense occurs, repair it immediately. Say you’re sorry.

Establish clear boundaries as you address the conflict

Be sure that the time is convenient for both. Avoid discussing conflicts while you multi-tasking. Do not stockpile other conflicts on top of the current one. Focus on the problem, not the person.

Seek mutually respectful outcomes

Consider your partner's needs as important as yours. Affirm each other's right to express their point of view. Work together to reach win-win outcomes.

3 Benefits of Managing Anger in an Argument

1. Controlled burns are a safe and effective means of resolving conflicts and building a healthy relationship. 2. Unpleasant emotions like anger or frustration are expressed in a controlled, respectful manner, minimizing the risk of harm. 3. Problems are resolved quickly and relationships within the family blossom. If you are hampered by wildfire conflicts and can’t seem to stop the cycle, I recommend you contact me. I enjoy helping individuals and couples learn how to do controlled burns. The outcome, like this other springtime picture depicts, is beautiful.

Are You Mom Enough? A response to TIME Magazine Article

donald — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 12:35:18 +0000

A look at the pressure mom’s face in the role’s they juggle and expectations they face. TIME magazine recently released a provocative cover featuring twenty-six year-old Jamie Lynee Grumet breastfeeding her nearly four year-old son Aram. The picture raised eyebrows and generated debate over “attachment parenting” a controversial approach to raising children. The article discusses ideas presented by Dr. William Sears in his book, “The Baby Book” that emphasizes the importance of the parent-child bond and suggests that parents follow the cues of the infant/child to determine when to wean the child off certain dependency behaviors such as breastfeeding or sleeping with parents. In my view, TIME’s primary motive was not to raise debate on radical parenting approaches, so much as it was to bolster sales among its anemic readership. Be that as it may, the strategy did stir up discussion about parenting and the expectations placed primarily on moms to raise healthy, well-adjusted children. According to Dr. Sears, a mother must be prepared to realign her priorities in order to be on call 24/7, giving full attention to the attachment needs of her children. Women who work and raise children may feel guilty, if not worried that some how their partial absence is damaging their children’s development.

Juggling Act for Moms

My purpose in this article is not to discuss parenting strategies. I’ll leave this topic for another issue of the newsletter. Instead, I would like to address the enormous challenge mothers face today juggling the various roles they assume on a daily basis. The pressures on moms today is much greater than in my generation when most women stayed at home to raise children while their male counterparts went off to work to provide for the family. June Cleaver of the “Leave It To Beaver” TV show portrayed the role of the ideal mom, home all day cooking, cleaning, and ironing clothes perfectly attired in a dress with pearls. She made the role look so easy. Today, many women juggle the responsibilities of managing a home, children, a spouse and work simultaneously! Early on they start off in a career and may have to step out of it when a baby arrives. In some cases, the bonding time is compromised by the demands of the job and the potential loss of employment once maternity leave lapses.

Moms are in a no-win situation

I think women are in a “no-win” situation. If they stay at home they are criticized for giving up their careers. If they work they are criticized for delegating their parental responsibility. Women are often made to feel guilty no matter what their choice is: stay-at-home mom, or working mom. Everyone has an opinion on what they should be doing. For those who choose to stay home, the adjustment from a career identity to mother can be difficult on many levels. Yet, the expectations on a woman to perform well in all these roles doesn’t change. It can be daunting, if not overwhelming for women to meet the needs of children, spouse, employer, not to mention school, church, and other groups or activities in which their kids participate. Among my female clients, I often hear working moms express mixed feelings of guilt and fulfillment about their dual roles. Some work out of necessity, while others chose early on to have a career and be a parent. Those who choose not to work during child-bearing/rearing years privately express feeling empty or isolated after giving up their careers. While they love being a mom there is a part of them that feels disconnected from their career identity. Moms confess feeling alone even though they are so busy engaging others. They feel sapped of their strength, with little or no energy left to do anything for themselves. Exhausted from another days work, they collapse in bed hoping to fall asleep without worrying about what tomorrow brings. Sound familiar? If so, you are not alone. This is a common cry among many mothers, those who have careers and those who stay at home. Yet, being a mother is intended to be a deeply meaningful and rewarding role, not fraught with guilt and anxiety.

Some food for thought

You own the right to choose your path

If you want to be a career mom or stay-at-home mom, it is your prerogative.

Success as a parent is not based on what others say about the choice you make

You may choose to have a career and parent simultaneously. Or, you may decide to stay home and raise your children. Because you own the right to the decision other people's opinions are just opinions.

Being "mom enough" means being happy with yourself

Doing what makes you happy, filling your emotional tank, will help keep your mind and attitude in a positive frame. If you are happy with yourself you will be a happy mom for your children. Happiness is infectious! Spread your happy germs all over your kids. Check for symptoms of a happy smile, great attitude, and more cooperation.

Filling your emotional tank will keep guilt and worry from tanking you

Develop a routine of doing personal things to fill your emotional tank. At least one thing you can do every day. It might be as simple as relaxing with a cup of coffee on the couch. Having a full emotional tank will keep guilt and anxiety from ruling your thoughts.

Avoid taking on more than you can handle

Moms are notorious for taking on too much. On the surface it may seem that it is because a lot gets dumped on you. Yet, on a deeper level, it may be because of some mistake beliefs you have tied to your self-worth. For example, the issue of responsibility. If you have placed unreasonably high expectations on yourself, you may find it difficult to say "no" to requests for support. Your fear of being viewed negatively may lead you to take on something you did not need to do. A negative thought can be as subtle as, "If I don't join the support team then they will say something negative about me." An alternative response could be, "I am unable to join the group at this time due to the number of responsibilities I currently have to before me."

Do not overload your kids either

Being "mom enough" does not equate with how many activities your kids participate in weekly. Pare back the amount of activities you schedule for your children. Enjoy time being a family at home vs. being stressed as a family on the run. Read my article: Family on the Run or Family Having Fun "Are You Mom Enough?" is a question only you can answer for yourself. Avoid allowing others to set the bar for you. While ideas, feedback, and coaching are all important, you are the best judge to know what is "enough" for your family. Once you have this figured out, then be a mom within your parameters. You will feel much better about yourself.

Bringing Respect Back

donald — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 18:15:49 +0000

In 2006 Justin Timberlake rocked the musical world with his hit “Sexy Back”. In an interview Timberlake stated that the first line that came to him was “bringing sexy back”. Of course the song struck a chord (no pun intended) with the audience and rose to the top of the Billboard charts for several weeks and won Timberlake multiple awards.

Honestly, I thought the title of the song was weird especially in our sex-crazed culture. Call me “out of touch” but I’m not sure it needed coming back in so much as it needed dialing down. Does everything in life revolve around sex or being sexy? I don’t think so. We are more than one dimensional right?

The song made me think about the question, “What do we need to bring back?” It didn’t take me too long to figure out the answer, at least from my perspective. What’s missing in our culture is not sexy, it’s respect. We have sexy coming at us from every direction, but respect is often hard to find. What we see more today is disrespect. It has seeped into every social institution in our country: family, school, work, government, and religion. In the bulk of my counseling and coaching practice if I were to boil down to one word the problems couples and families experience, it is respect. I will often say this to my clients and they agree. A common lament is, “I don’t feel respected by my (you fill in the blank).” About a year ago I decided to write a book on the subject. The title of my book is reflected in the title of this article, "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict". I am writing about bringing respect back in our culture beginning with our closest interpersonal relationships. At the time of this writing I have eight of the ten chapters completed. You will hear more about the book in future articles. In the meantime, I would like you to examine your world and see which is more prominent, respect or disrespect. Observe interactions between spouses, siblings, and parent-children. What do you notice? Pay attention to how things are conducted in the workplace. Do people treat each other respectfully? Or is it everyone for themselves? Do the same with society in general. What happened to waving a “thank you” when someone lets you enter traffic? Rarely happens anymore. In my book, I talk about how we can bring respect back in our personal lives, relationships, and in our culture. It is possible, however it begins with each one of us taking control of our attitudes and actions. Imagine what your life, your family, your world would be like if people were simply respectful. I’m all for bringing respect back. How about you?

Update: Bringing Respect Back is

available now!

Get your copy now by clicking on the book cover.

How to Forgive People From a Distance

donald — Sun, 11 Aug 2013 21:06:02 +0000

Often I am asked the question, "How do I resolve feelings of anger and hurt from a person who wronged me and is unwilling to repair the offense?" In some cases, the offender is deceased, leaving no opportunity for closure. While in other situations, the perpetuator of the offense sees no harm in their actions, feels justified, and projects blame on the wounded person. Sometimes we experience deep hurts in interpersonal relationships. This often happens in response to an act of misconduct: betrayal of trust, abusive conduct, abandonment, disloyalty, or some form of disparaging behavior. What often exacerbates the problem is a refusal on the part of the offender to acknowledge, accept responsibility, and/or attempt to repair the wound. This leaves the wounded person in a position of having to bring closure to the matter alone. Unacknowledged, non-repaired offenses often perpetuate the pain suffered by individuals on the receiving end. I have counseled many people who admit being hampered in life by untreated emotional wounds. They report feelings of anger, bitterness, and admit difficulty trusting others or letting people get too close. It's as if they are emotionally frozen in time, re-wounded by memories of past offense(s). So, when I'm asked the question, "How do I resolve these feelings..." I refer to the best model of forgiveness I have ever encountered. Forgiving from a distance was modeled by Jesus Christ when he died on a cross for the sins of man. The first words he uttered in his agony was, "Forgive them Father for they do not know what they are doing." This was not a statement of denial on his part. The people who crucified him knew what they were doing. However, they did not know who they were doing it to! They did not believe he was the Son of God. So, while they hurled insults at him, he forgave them from a distance. Sometimes in order to move past unresolved offenses we have to forgive people from a distance. I want to explain why this is important, what this means, and how to do it.

Why Forgive People From A Distance

It is for your benefit that you forgive from a distance.

The answer to the why question is important to understand. The residual effects of unresolved offenses hurt only you. The individual(s) who wounded you are not likely bothered by the matter. Notice how they go on with their lives as if nothing is wrong? It's as if they hit a pedestrian while driving without even noticing. They just continue down the road without any concern that the person they struck is injured.

Holding on to unresolved offenses perpetuates the harm caused by the person(s) who hurt you.

Being angry and bitter gives them indirect power over your life. Think about it. When you dwell on the offense and the person(s) who caused it, wishing for revenge, or waiting for an apology, you give them control over your thoughts and feelings. Dwelling can lead to symptoms of depression, low self-esteem, and physiological problems as well. Forgiving from a distance is for your benefit, not the benefit of the offender.

What it Means to Forgive People From a Distance

Forgiving someone does not equate with trusting them.

This is especially true of individuals who are not seeking to repair the harm. People who do not repair offenses are untrustworthy. Allowing them back into the inner circle of your life is unwise and will likely put you at risk for future harm. These individuals are better served on the periphery of your relational circle where you limit the frequency and quality of interaction you have with them, if any at all.

Forgiving means you process the pain and let go of the offense.

Notice I said it is a process of letting go. When you approach this from a position of doing it for yourself, not the person, it will be easier to let go of the residual feelings. I will address this in the next section on how to forgive people from a distance.

Forgiving means you choose not to hold on to the anger and hurt.

You let it go. It doesn't mean that you don't hold the person(s) responsible for their actions. The facts are the facts. They remain responsible for what they did wrong to you. However, you are not waiting for them to accept responsibility before you move on with your life. Instead, you forgive them from a distance, let go of the hurt, and focus on what is good about your life today.

How to Forgive People From a Distance

Note: The approach I offer below has a spiritual focus to it. If you don't ascribe to spiritual beliefs or values this exercise may not appeal to you. The purpose of the following exercise is to use a spiritual approach of processing the residual effects of unresolved offenses, by filtering painful emotions toward God. An initial goal is to express and release offenses, including the associated thoughts and feelings, to God. A secondary goal is to extend forgiveness to the guilty person(s) from a distance. Remember, forgiving from a distance is not giving the guilty party a pass on the offense. It is processing the offense and subsequent feelings with God in place of the offender. You can express to God in written form what you would like to say to the individual who hurt you. Don't hold back. God knows your thoughts and feelings anyway and he can handle them. Below is a format designed to assist you in the process of letting out, letting go, and letting in. The letting out and letting go is the lingering effects of the offense. Under each section are some starter sentences. They will help kickstart your engine so you can begin the cathartic process of releasing the hurtful feelings. You can write a paragraph or more on each statement. The purpose is to get out as much of the emotional infection as you can. The sentences that begin with "I give you..." are intended for you to release to God the negative feelings associated with the offense. At the end of each section is also an area for you to ask God for something in exchange. This approach to forgiving people from a distance may take some time. Remember, this is a process. You may want to do this over several days, taking one section at a time. It will be emotionally draining, but it will have a lifting effect as well. You will likely feel a weight lifted from you as you release the hurt and let go of the offense.

What I am angry about...(this is the who and what was done)

I am angry at... I am angry that... I resent... I wish... I give you... I want... Help me to forgive...

What I am hurt about...(how the person(s) hurt you)

I feel hurt because... This pain makes me want to... This hurt is affecting me in... I give you... I want... Help me to forgive...

What I feel unsettled about...(how the matter affects you today)

I feel worried... I am unsettled about... I feel guilty... Please forgive me for... I ask you to help me with...

What I want going forward...(what you want to do to move forward)

I want to be able to... I want to change... I want to focus on... I choose to forgive... I ask you to give me... Conclusion Forgiving from a distance is a way for you to be released from offenses that continue to cause you pain and hinder your ability to embrace life. On both a personal and professional level, I have found this approach to be the single-most effective means to be liberated from hurts of the past. In many cases, working through this exercise with a professional counselor yields even greater results. This is due largely to the ability of having another person validate your feelings and process your hurts. If you are struggling due to the lingering effects of unresolved offenses, I recommend you follow the steps offered here. For those who prefer to follow this process under the guide of a professional counselor, do not hesitate to contact me at LifeWork Counseling. My background in pastoral ministry may assist you in approaching this process from a spiritual perspective.

Lessons From My Grandson About How to Grieve

donald — Sun, 11 Aug 2013 21:16:34 +0000

For many, 2012 was a mixed bag of good and bad. I suppose life is this way in general. Once we come to accept it, we are better equipped to deal with it. Forest Gump's mom got it right, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get". [caption id="attachment_1099" align="alignleft" width="300"] Cameron at the Morton Arboretum two weeks after his father died.[/caption] 2012 was a rough year for my eleven year-old grandson, Cameron. In March his father died from complications due to a heart condition. It was difficult watching him walk through what was before him. A few things are harder than that feeling of helplessness while standing alongside a loved one experiencing a loss. A few weeks later, Cameron and I took our annual "guys weekend" when we celebrate his birthday in a hotel (usually one with an indoor water park). The year before he asked me if I wanted to read a chapter from a book he downloaded free from iTunes. I was expecting some kids book, perhaps the latest Harry Potter. Instead, the title read"Why God Allows Suffering". I was taken aback by his selection, but we sat side-by-side on the bed and read a chapter, then talked about it. Thinking back, I wonder if somehow God was preparing him for what would come a year later. Our weekender this past March was special. I recorded everything on my iPad and created a movie for him. We had several talks over the weekend about his dad and he opened up about his loss. I couldn't imagine what it was like for him to lose his dad at such a tender young age. My dad died in my mid-thirties and that was real hard on me. In the summer, his baseball team played for the championship and won the game. All his family was with him including his dad's parents. It was quite an emotional moment for all. The remaining warm months found us at Great America, screaming with hands raised on the thrill rides and frolicking at the water park. Later in the fall I won a silent auction for an organization I support called OrphaNetwork. The prize was two prime tickets to a Chicago Bulls basketball game. On December 8th I surprised him with another "guys weekend". We had a blast watching the Bulls trounce the New York Knicks! I have come to anticipate one or more deep conversations with Cameron. Of course, he did not disappoint. During halftime at the game he asked me about a book I just finished writing (due out this year). Then he said, "I would like to write a book Papa." When I asked him what he planned to write about he said, "I would like to write about what it is like from a kid's perspective to lose a member of the family." I told him that I have never heard a book written from a child's perspective and thought it was intriguing. The remainder of the weekend he asked several more questions about how to start writing the book. I told him I would help him with the project in 2013. Six days later the nation was shook by the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School where 20 children and six adults were killed during a mass murder. At LifeWork we acted quickly, writing to parents how to help their children process what occurred. Cameron, without prompting from any adult, emailed the principal at his grade school (Hale Elementary School) and suggested the school do something to show support to Sandy Hook and the community of Newtown, Connecticut. He asked if on the upcoming Friday, one week after the horrible event, students could wear the school colors of Sandy Hook and place ribbons around the school in to show support to Sandy Hook. His idea caught fire and the whole school got behind the effort. Many students bore the green and white colors and stood outside in the cold tying ribbons on the fence around the school. Channel 2 News showed up with a camera crew and filmed the event. It appeared later that evening on the six o'clock news. You can see the clip, including an interview with Cameron and my daughter by visiting this link:http://chicago.cbslocal.com/video/8095460-chicago-6th-grader-pays-tribute-to-sandy-hook-victims/ Cameron has taught me some important lessons in 2002. Here are a few I'll leave for you to consider from an eleven year-old boy...

Suffering is a part of life.

God allows it. We have to learn how to deal with it. Whether you are an 11 year-old standing at the gravesite of your father, or a parent facing the loss of a child, suffering is a path all of us walk at some point in life.

It is important to talk about your pain.

Let it out. Talk to someone. Cameron taught me a lot about this. We had frequent conversations over the course of 2012. Usually, he initiated the talks. I could see that it helped him to process his grieve and normalize it.

It is also important to let go of your pain.

[caption id="attachment_1104" align="alignright" width="300"] Cameron at the trophy ceremony. League Champions![/caption] Let it go. Get back to your life. A few months later, Cameron's baseball team won the championship in his league. It was a bittersweet moment. His dad was not in the stands this time, but he watched from afar.

Turn pain into compassion.

Reach out to others. See a need, respond to it. I could write more about Cameron's experiences over the past several years. In respect of family privacy, I choose not to do so. Needless, to say he has had a lifetime of hardships packed into his first eleven years on earth. These experiences while hurtful have also been helpful in shaping the character that people admire. I hope his story in 2012 will give you a fresh perspective as you venture into 2013.

3 Easy Ways to Revive Your First Love

donald — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 00:41:59 +0000

February 14 is a red letter day for young and old alike. For centuries in parts of Europe and in America, Valentines Day is a time when love is expressed in beautifully crafted cards. And if the recipient is someone special, the card is often accompanied by a box of chocolates! How this holiday originated is a subject of debate. Among the stories bantered about is the ancient account of St. Valentine who befriended children. According to legend, he refused to worship Roman gods and was banished to prison. Concerned children tossed loving notes between the bars of his cell window. This may explain why people exchange cards on Valentine's Day.

Early Romance

Falling in love is a magical sort of experience. Cupid's arrow pierces the heart and strange things transpire. A guy who dislikes poetry, is transformed into a poet, writing sonnets to the object of his affection. He is also likely to pass on the premier of "Fast & Furious 6" to see "Les Miserables" with his girl. Likewise, a girl smitten by love will alter her plans in a moments notice when the "perfect guy" calls.

Early Marriage

In time, many couples take the marriage plunge. While they notice their partner has some "minor flaws," they are certain this will change once they are married. In time, the magic wears off and the poetry stuff goes out the window. The "perfect guy" (and girl) has some glaring imperfections. In reality, what young couples often fail to see is that they go into marriage with unrealistic expectations. Marriage is the union of two imperfect people.

Marriage Drift

Studies reveal that couple satisfaction rises during engagement and slowly declines shortly after marriage. It continues to dip during the child rearing stage as couples faced with numerous challenges raising a family, have very little time and energy to invest in each other. For those who hang in there over the years, studies show that their satisfaction level rises again. Often the real problem affecting satisfaction is that couples forget to do the things that made their relationship special in the beginning. They stop investing in each other. The Bible calls it "losing your first love."

Losing Love

In the book of Revelation, a letter is written to seven prominent churches. Among them was the church of Ephesus, commended for her hard work, perseverance, and intolerance of evil, yet also told, "You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first." (Revelation 2:4,5) While this congregation was doing some good things, she had forgotten her first love. She had mistaken religion for relationship. The remedy was simple: remember, repent and return. This treatment plan is ideal for couples having lost the magic in their marriage. The first step is remember. Remember what you were like when you fell in love. Dust off the picture album, open the shoe box of poetry, cards and letters. Reminisce about the romantic dates, the fun excursions, and how alive you felt. Stroll down memory lane, even if it means you have to drive a ways to get there! The next step repent, means go the opposite direction. This exercise requires some self-examination. It may include having to ask for forgiveness for your attitude and behavior. Assigning blame is counter-productive. Christ called this form of judging, "looking at the speck in your brother's eye while failing to see the speck in your own eye." Time and energy is better served by working on yourself rather than focusing on your partner. The final step is to return to your first love by following Jesus' excellent advice. "Do the things you did at first." What would this look like? Going on real dates, giving cards, showing a genuine interest in each other are most likely things you did early on. It will give a boost to your marriage to return to these "first love" activities. There are many external and internal stressors impacting marriages today. Couples often report dissatisfaction, hurt and loneliness in their marriages. Clearly, many marriages are suffering pain. You may be wondering if there is any use in trying to make yours work. Let me suggest that you as a couple try it. The biblical model described is both prescriptive and preventative offering couples healing, happiness and hope. In advance let me offer some suggestions on how you can remember, repent, and return.

Remember

Think of one story or event in your early relationship that was especially meaningful for you and your spouse and reminisce about it.
Watch your wedding video together.
Ask your spouse what her/his favorite dating memory with you.

Repent (go in the opposite direction)

Think of one thing you do that annoys your spouse and choose this month to stop doing it.
Think of one thing your spouse would enjoy if you did it with her/him and do it.
Do you need to say your sorry about something? Do it today.

Return

Start doing "date nights" again.
Take your spouse to the restaurant where you had your first date.
Hold hands with your spouse the next time you are out together at the store, on a walk, etc...

Valentines Day is a perfect time to return to your first love. Get out of your comfort zone. Be creative, not predictable. Plan a romantic date. Pick a new restaurant. Wash the car. Dress up. Express your thoughts in a card or poem. Go with your heart. You can do it!

How to Fix His Problem In 5 Easy Steps

donald — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 00:46:48 +0000

Last month I wrote an article for men, "How to Fix Her Problem in 5 Easy Steps". It did not occur to me to write a follow-up article for women, because it seems to me that females have us figured out! However when asked by some folks (mostly women) if I could do a follow-up article for them, I thought I'd give it a try. The first idea that occurred was the "Snap Out of It Approach" in the movie,Moonstruck. In a confrontation with Ronny Cammareri (the brother of her fiancé) who has declared his love for her, Lorretta Castorini slaps him upside the head and says, "Snap out of it!" Of course, this solution did not fix his problem, it only made him more in love with her and her with him. Slaps of any sort don't solve problems, but usually create new ones so I would not advocate this approach. Then there is the "Be the Neck Approach" in the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Maria Portokalos is giving advice to her daughter Toula about how to handle a man. When her daughter complained that men are the head of the house, Maria said, "Let me tell you something Toula. The man is the head but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants." The solution here is to plant the solution in his head in a subtle manner and let the man think the idea was his in the first place.

Some general things to remember about guys

We think we should know everything.

While a man wants his woman to think he knows everything (like assembling things without following instructions, or driving when he's lost without asking for directions), the truth is occasionally we need a smack in the head (figuratively) or a turning of the neck. It is hard for most guys to ask for help. This is why most women take the lead in getting counseling. Guys generally don't take action until their woman has her bags backed or called her attorney. Why?

We hate to admit we have a problem.

If we are going to talk about our problems, it is usually to another guy, and it is about "fix it" kinda stuff. Or we may talk about health, exercise, or things related to our careers. Men feel pressure to know everything, so we don't want to look incompetent around women.

Worse yet, we hate asking for help.

The challenge for most women in relationships is that guys don't want to talk about their problems. They prefer to work them out on their own. Guys tend to compartmentalize things. So, when they come home from work they don't want to talk about their day. Women on the other hand, find that talking about their day is a way to connect. This situation creates competing agendas. So, how does a woman help her man who comes home with problems on his mind? Here are 5 steps to fix his problem. (Remember, he doesn't think he has a problem, so you have to be indirect in your approach.)

Step 1: Give him some time to decompress.

For most men, the mental shift from work to home is difficult. While we are good at compartmentalizing things we also have a tendency to process internally. Work matters may remain on the internal grid without him talking about it. Going from one arena of work (job) to another (home) is challenging. Sometimes a few minutes of decompression can make the transition smoother. Greet him with some affection. This makes him feel welcomed home.

Step 2: Take some time to decompress with him.

Guys like to connect with their woman but they don't want to be inundated with too much dialog. A casual conversation in a quiet area of the house for 10-15 minutes can work wonders on a guy's stress level. his might be more challenging when you have kids, but it is doable. Slowing things down a little when the workday ends and before evening activities begin gives you time to connect. Let the kids play in another room while the two of you take a little time for each other. For more on this, read my article “Family on the Run or Family Having Fun?”

Step 3: Observe and inquire.

Since men tend to keep things on the inside try an indirect approach. "You seem a bit stressed out." (observation) "Care to talk about it?" (inquiry) This side-door approach is less intrusive to a man and may garner further dialog.

Step 4: Tune in to his frustration.

Men are not tuned into their deeper emotions. Problems are more often expressed as frustrations. Simply listening as he unloads his frustration gives him a release point. Otherwise he keeps it on the inside and it leaks out in a bad attitude.

Step 5: Show him some support.

Men may not show it but they value some recognition for their hard work and dedication to their roles. When he releases frustration about work you can help by complimenting him on his hard work and dedication. Simple recognition goes a long way for a man and helps him to keep going. It also makes him feel appreciated by the most important person in his life--YOU. Two articles, five solutions to solve his or her problem. Not too complicated huh? The key is to slow things down and really listen to each other. Most couples are too busy and this is complicates matters. The most important piece of advice I can leave you with is to make time to connect. Find pockets of time every day to have stress-relieving conversations. Listen well. Speak carefully. Show appreciation. It works.

How To Fix Her Problem In 5 Easy Steps

donald — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 00:56:55 +0000

[powerpress]

If you are a guy, do yourself a favor, read and save this article. In fact, you may want to send to some of your buddies. If you are a wife or girlfriend, forward this to your man.

Guys, we have this dilemma when it comes to helping the women we love when they share their problems with us. Women don't listen! They come to us all upset about something that happened during the day and they unload. We hear the story, tell them where they went wrong, offer a solution, "bada boom, bada bing", problem solved!

You think they would be happy, perhaps give a peck on the cheek, and say something like "you're a freaking genius"! But just the opposite happens. They turn their anger on us and become even more upset, saying things like... "I should have never talked to you in the first place." "Thanks for making me feel worse!" "If I wanted your advice I would have asked for it." Confusing huh? Why would they be coming to us in the first place if they didn't want help? After all, isn't it our job to solve problems? It's what most of us do all day at work. Isn't true that males carry the "problem solver" gene? If women don't want our help then why do they come to us all upset? Women bring their problems not so we can fix them. They just need us to listen and support. Is this too difficult? I think we muddle the problem by stepping in with analysis and solutions women are not seeking. Truth be told, women are just as intelligent as men. It's not our "smarts" they want. It's our "hearts". Let me clear up the confusion for you and show you how to fix her problem in 5 easy steps. NOTE: The key words are in CAPS. [Tweet "Hey guys, when it comes to fixing her problem, women want our hearts not our smarts."]

Step #1: You may not have a problem to FIX.

Turn off the problem solving switch, kick back and relax. You are not on call to fix anything.

Step #2: You do have a problem to LISTEN to.

Open your ears and listen to what she is trying to say to you. As you listen, track two things that will let her know you support her. Track her thoughts. Track her feelings. You will need this information in steps three and four.

Step #3: REPEAT the problem back to her.

Paraphrase what you hear her say. It's as simple as saying, "Sounds like you've had a rough day today between the kids and extra work piled on you by your boss." Here is where you may be tempted to go into problem-solving mode. Be careful, use restraint, and remember step one!

Step #4: VALIDATE her feelings.

This is the hardest step because it will require you to move from the left side of your brain to the right. The left side is the thinking stream. This is the side of the brain where guys spend most of their waking moments. The right side is the feeling stream. This is where women most often process things during the day. For the most part females can balance left and right brain processes better than men. Guys are not as comfortable dealing with feelings. After all, we are raised to express the more dominant emotions of anger and frustration. However, we were discouraged as young boys from showing weaker feelings of worry, fear, sadness, or loneliness. So when girls express these emotions we become uncomfortable and quickly use left brain strategies to solve the problem. This approach invalidates women's feelings and causes them to react or shut down. So, as you are tracking her feelings, you might say, "I can see you feel disrespected by the kids and your boss for the way they took advantage of you." To further validate her feelings you might add, "I'm sorry you've had a rough day today."

Step #5: Ask a CURIOSITY question.

If you have followed steps one through four carefully, you are in a position where you might be able to use your problem-solving skill. First check it out with your wife/girlfriend. Take a position of curiosity and ask a simple question. You might ask, "What do you need from me right now?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" She might respond with a request for advice. Because you have listened and validated her thoughts and feelings, she may be more open to hear what you have to say. If so, deliver it in a thoughtful and respectful tone, not a negative, criticizing manner. Sometimes, simply listening to the problem is all women want from their men. Perhaps a hug or some help around the house will suffice. Remember, women work as hard, if not harder than many men today. If the kids are being disrespectful, you can help by getting more involved in the parenting and teaching your kids how respect adults.

Now it's Your Turn

Guys, I think we need to re-examine our approach to fixing problems with the women in our lives. We have a lot of tools in our toolbox. The solution to every problem doesn't require a hammer, nor duct tape for that matter! Put the tools down and listen. Want more evidence? Watch this short video by Jason Headley called: “It’s Not About The Nail”

Resentment - Causes, Consequences, & Cures

donald — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 01:10:20 +0000

As a relationship, communication specialist I spend a vast majority of my day working with couples and/or families who face challenges in sustaining healthy relationships. They often seek my services to help them learn how to communicate, find respect, resolve conflicts, and form meaningful connections. I enjoy working in this arena because change is possible. Indeed, my work is often very fulfilling. In the years of my work, I have witnessed dramatic and pervasive change in relationships that barely had a pulse when they arrived. It is amazing to watch what happens when individuals use the tools and make choices that promote positive change. Our motto at LifeWork Counseling is: “We work ourselves out of a job by giving away our tools.” Not only do clients learn from me but I also learn from them. One of the lessons I have learned in my work with clients is that tools cannot do their job if resentment is in the way. Tools are tools. They perform a function. However, if resentment exists in one or both individuals, they are not likely to pick up the tools and use them. Resentment fuels resistance. Resistance is a major foe counseling professionals face in our work with clients. More importantly, resistance is a major contributor to relationships in a rut. It lays underneath the surface and in a stealth-mode quietly informs behavior. This is why partners often do not do what they know they should.

Causes of Resentment

Resentment is a condition that usually builds over time. It is imperceptible at first, but over time develops layers as disappointments mount and nothing changes. Here are a few causes I often observe in couple/family relationships. This is not a comprehensive list, but highlights some of the major contributors. Place a check next to the ones that apply to your experience.

One-sided relationships

Individuals who are the primary givers and rarely the receivers in relationships are likely to form resentment over time. Why? Their basic needs within the relationship are being ignored! Healthy relationships are based on reciprocity, give and take. If you are giving but not taking, you are in a one-sided relationship. This needs to be addressed or the resentment will ruin you.

Little things become big things

Adjustment is an important task in the early stage of relationships. Here is where couples learn how to live together and develop a rhythm of relationship. Accommodation is a key element in the adjustment phase and throughout the course of life together. Mutual accommodation is the solution. Everyone has certain little things they like or don't like that they make known to their partner. These little things matter to them. If they do, then they should matter to the partner. When a spouse/partner dismisses these little things as being "ridiculous", "stupid" or "a pain in the butt" they are conveying a negative message to their partner that wounds a fundamental need within everyone-- "I matter." Over the course of time, the little thing becomes a big message - "I don't matter enough to you."

Holding on, not letting go

For some individuals, letting go and forgiving an offense is a difficult thing to do. Typically, these are people who operate with strict rules for themselves and others. They tend to exhibit a form of rigidity and perfectionism. Consequently, they become punitive toward others who violate their rules and standards. Unfortunately, there is little "wiggle room" for mistakes. They may take great offense at minor offenses. The offender is in detention and may experience a coldness from their partner. These individuals struggle with forgiveness. "I forgive, but will never forget!" Over the course of time, resentment builds on both sides of the relationship. The "holding on" person is unforgiving and resentful. The "forever guilty" person thinks they are never good enough and will develop resentment over time.

Unfulfilled dreams

In the course of time together couples/families experience things that interrupt the pursuit of their dreams. Various types of problems: loss of employment/business, bad investments/spending habits, untimely death, chronic illness, addictions, or misaligned priorities, to name a few. Over the years, disappointment and unhappiness turn into resentment. Individuals wonder if they should stay together or be better off on their own.

Consequences of Resentment

Resentment serves a basic function in relationships. Distance. It establishes physical and emotional space between people. It is aself-protective measure designed to avoid harm. “I won’t let you hurt me.” It is also a punitive measure designed to pay back. “You hurt me, so I will hurt you back.” Unfortunately, unchecked resentment harms both parties and places the relationship at risk for further erosion. Here are some consequences of resentment you may want to consider.

Difficulty in achieving and maintaining connection

If resentment equates with distance, forget about connection. It is hard to achieve. Resentment creates a gap between people that communication tools can only fix if the resentful party will pick them up. Remember, "belonging" is a basic human need with which we are born. Resentment deprives you of this basic need.

Maintains a battleground for further conflict and potential harm

Unresolved conflicts result from resentment. The emotional and physical distance sets the stage for further conflicts, more harm, and deeper resentment. See where this pattern leads? Not good.

The resented person faces a tough challenge resolving the problem with an adversarial partner

The person with resentment places the relationship in an adversarial position. The resented partner may want to resolve the problems. However, if the person with resentment holds on to it, the partner is in a double-bind. They want to come close to resolve, but are pushed away when they do.

Resentment is ultimately self-inflicted punishment

Unfortunately, the person who is affected most by resentment is the person who holds it. Resentment is a negative sentiment that deprives the individual of personal happiness and fulfillment in relationships. Over time, resentment can skew an individual's view about relationships in general. They may find it difficult to trust others and therefore may struggle to engage in close relationships. Resentment may create walls so insular that some people never allow themselves to experience true intimacy.

Cure For Resentment

Now that you know some of the causes and consequences of resentment you are probably wondering what cures it. I wish I could offer you a serum to ease the discomfort of resentment. If the cure was this simple, people would be lining up at my door to purchase some! Actually, the cure for resentment comes from within, not from without. Don’t wait for the person who causes resentment to remove it. The decision is up to you. Here is the cure.

Admit your resentment

If you are reading this article and you see resentment in yourself toward a family member admit it. Don't minimize or justify it. Resentment is not something others give you. You choose to be resentful. Admit it and you have taken the first step in finding the cure.

Acknowledge how the resentment is causing harm

Who is being harmed by your resentment? Does it rob you of enjoyment? Does it keep you up at night? Resentment not only harms the intended target, but it hurts you worse. Acknowledge the harm done by resentment and you will likely do something about it.

Address the underlying problem

Are you in a one-sided relationship? If so, you are being deprived of a fundamental need for belonging and care from another. We enter relationships to experience a meaningful bond with another. It is a connection that conveys the message "you matter". If this is not happening, I recommend you address this problem head on. On the other hand, if you are a person who holds on and does not let go of things easily you need to take a hard look at this pattern. Your rigidity and stubbornness is stifling your relationships. Perhaps there is an underlying fear or false belief that gets in the way.. If you don't address this, it will deprive you of happiness.

Take some form of action

Do something about your resentment. Don't let it remain unchecked in your life. Perhaps you need to talk with a counselor to get at the root cause. Maybe you need help processing what to do about a one-sided relationship you are in. If your problem is holding on and not letting go of offenses, it would serve you well to get help with this pattern in your life. There are better solutions to your problems than resorting to resentment. Remember, in the end it hurts you the most. I hope this article helps you learn how to deal with resentment. If you think this will help someone you know who is struggling in this area, I encourage you to forward them this article. If we at LifeWork Counseling can help you in your battle with resentment, don’t hesitate to contact us.

The One Key That Makes or Breaks a Conversation

donald — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 01:18:33 +0000

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="385"] Associated Press picture of 1000 year-old Ding Chinese Bowl auctioned at Sothebys for $2.2 million dollars.[/caption] Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have something of great value and not recognize it? Suppose for example, you owned a valuable picture, book, or rare coin and sold it in a garage sale only to discover the person who bought it became wealthy. A few years ago, an individual purchased a bowl for $3 at a garage sale and proudly displayed it on a mantelpiece not knowing it's value. Later when they had it appraised they learned it was a 1,000 year-old Chinese Ding bowl from the Northern Song Dynasty. On March 19th of this year, it sold in a Sothebys auction for $2.2 million dollars! As an expert in relationship dynamics, I am amazed and perplexed by validation. Amazed at the positive effect it has in connecting people. Perplexed by the fact is rarely used in human interactions. Like the rare bowl, people don't recognize the value it has in establishing a healthy bond and promoting positive change in others. Human validation is an essential element in interpersonal relationships. This includes marriage, family, friendship, or business and/or work relationships. You may wonder why validation is so valuable. Let me explain. Our brains are hardwired to live in harmonious relations with others. In other words, we are not meant to be alone. Research confirms this notion of the need for inter-relatedness. Humans also have an innate need for self-expression. Our personal thoughts, feelings, and unique skills seek opportunities for expression. Combined together, we have a need to know and be known by others. We have a need to be understood and accepted for who we are as unique individuals. Validation accomplishes this task.

What is Validation?

So you may be thinking, "What is validation? How does it work in human relationships?". Let me explain.

Validation is the ability to convey an understanding of what another person is saying.

Here are a few examples... Wife: The kids were pushing my buttons all day today. I've got a report to finish for work, and now you look upset because dinner isn't cooked yet. Husband: It sounds like you have had a stressful day. Last thing you need is for me to complain about dinner. Sounds like you need a break. Let's order out. Teenager: It's not fair! My friends get to stay out past curfew. You're too strict. Why don't you trust me? I don't know what the big deal is. Parent: I can see you are angry. You think we are too strict and prefer we do what your friends' parents do. I thought a lot of things were unfair too when I was your age. I don't expect you to like or agree with our decision. However, in this case, you will have to accept it. It's okay to be angry with us. I was angry at my parents too. Notice in both examples, the person validating did not react. Rather, they conveyed an understanding of what the other person was attempting to express. In the case of the wife, she was stressed out and feeling pressure. The husband validated her feelings and offered a solution to reduce the stress. In the other example, the teenager was angry at the parent for enforcing a restriction on curfew. The parent validated the teen's feelings, also identified with the unfairness issue, yet held firm to the rule while allowing the teen a right to his/her feelings. Validation can disarm a conflict fairly quickly. When our internal thoughts and feelings do not have an outlet of expression we are left alone with them. Suppressed emotions can cause harm, especially if they are unpleasant feelings such as fear, anger, loneliness, or hurt. However, when we express them to others, we are able to release them and find relief. This exchange of expression and validation draws individuals closer because it meets a basic need of belongingness. In my counseling practice I do a lot of work with couples recovering from infidelity. Validation of feelings plays a pivotal role in repairing the wound and rebuilding the trust in the relationship. The involved partner/spouse must be able to validate the feelings of the injured partner/spouse in a manner that brings relief to the emotional pain. This is a repeated process conveyed with an attitude of contriteness and empathy. Validation conveys understanding and the pain in that moment subsides. Over time, as this pattern of validation is repeated, the wound heals and the bond between the individuals strengthens. Now I'll introduce another valuable use of validation.

Validation as a form of affirmation.

In this context, validation recognizes an individual's talents and abilities. When I was growing up I did not receive much validation, especially from my father. This is not his fault. You cannot give what you were not given yourself. His dad left home during the depression when my dad was a young lad. Sadly, he had to take on the role of provider in his early teens and took care of the family. When I was in my early thirties, my dad watched me playing baseball with one of my sons. Afterwards he said to me, "Out of all my sons (4), you are probably the best athlete." It was the first time I felt validated by my dad. Growing up I did not participate in athletics, mostly pick-up games of baseball and basketball. Now in my fifties, I still play full-court basketball two days a week. I often wonder what experiences I would have enjoyed had he made that statement earlier in my life. Recently, I finished writing my first book, Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict. I was unaware of a talent for writing until much later in life. Up until now, I have published a few chapters in clinical books as a contributing author on topics within my area of expertise. Writing to the general public is a new venture. Before I published, I decided to have a couple of accomplished authors in the field read my manuscript and offer feedback. It's one thing to hear your wife say your a good writer and another to hear it from professionals. I am happy to report that the feedback I received was very positive and encouraging! These individuals validated my work as something worthy of publication. The effect it has on my ambition is powerful. I have noticed renewed motivation, energy, and focus to launch the book. Indeed, my confidence as a writer is growing as well. All because individuals I respect validated my skills as a writer.

How to Validate

Conversations are either reactive or responsive. In reactive dialog, the conversation moves fast in a back-and-forth manner. People are only trying to make their own point. Two people in a reactive discussion will likely talk over each other, amp up their emotions (usually frustration and anger), and the issue is not resolved to a mutually satisfactory conclusion. Responsive communication moves a little slower and is circular. One person talks, the other listens and validates. Then, the listener offers his/her point of view and the other responds back with validation. Here are some steps for you to try in your next conversation.

Listen first to what the other person is saying.
Respond with a summary of what you heard.
Offer your point of view.
Ask them if they just understood what you are trying to say.
Continue this process until you have brought the conversation to a conclusion.

Validation is valuable--when you use it. Let me close with ten benefits.

Benefits of Validation

It strengthens relationships.
It improves communication.
It shows respect to the other person.
It encourages expression.
It conveys understanding.
It decreases confusion and misunderstanding
It disarms conflict.
It repairs hurt and rebuilds trust.
It affirms the unique talents and abilities of others.
It empowers individuals to use their talents and abilities.

I encourage you to tune into the power of validation. It will require you to slow down and listen to others. Rather than focusing only on what you want to say, listen with equal intent. Convey back what you hear the other person say. Don't judge or react. Simply acknowledge their thoughts and feelings. Practice this pattern and observe what happens over time. You will likely discover the value of validation. By the way, I deal with this topic at length in my book coming out this summer entitled: "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict" (now available).

Beautiful In Its Time - Making sense of dying

donald — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 01:27:17 +0000

Father's Day wasn't supposed to end this way. It just didn't seem right. In fact, just about every person I talked to echoed this sentiment, "It's not fair!" So what happened? The unexpected happened. A beautiful day ended in tragedy. For my sister Pam and future brother-in-law Al, it was the best time in their life. Their dream of beginning a life in Florida was finally coming true. Dark clouds of hardship were finally behind them. Blue skies were ahead. Pam and Al came into each other's lives at the right time. Prior to this, Al was married to Rose. Rose and Pam were great friends. They were soccer and hockey moms. Al and Rose lived the American Dream. They owned a successful business together, raised three boys, and were truly in love. Al built Rose a dream home on seventeen acres in New Jersey. Life couldn't be better until...Rose contracted cancer and died. Al lost the love of his life. Pam lost a great friend. During this time, my sister was going through private pain. Her marriage crumbled and she became a single mom of three kids. After a period of time, Al and Pam began to spend time together offering mutual support and friendship. Over time, the relationship blossomed into love. For family and friends, it was such a wonderful thing to watch how the two of them came together to form such a close bond. During this time, Al remained strongly connected to his in-law relations from his marriage to Rose. In time, Rose's family embraced my sister as one of their own. This illustrates how unique Al and Pam's relationship was and that they were special people. About five years ago Al decided to sell his dream home as a means of bringing final closure to his life with Rose and begin his new life with Pam. The timing could not have been worse, for the housing market had plummeted. Deal after deal fell through. Every disappointment was tough on Al. He very much wanted to move on with his life. Two years ago, tragedy struck my sister Pam when her youngest son Scott died. It was one of the most darkest moments in our family. The memorial service was held at Al's home since it was large enough to accommodate 100+ people. This was my first visit and only visit to his magnificent home. Al gave me a personal tour, and if you are a frequent reader of the newsletter, you will recall the story I told about his hardwood floor illustration. (More on that later.) I was asked by my sister to officiate the memorial and deliver the eulogy for Scott. After the memorial, Al asked to talk with me privately. He said, "If I die before you, I would like for you to deliver my eulogy. Will you do it?" My response, "Sure Al, I will do that for you. But don't get any ideas!" We both had a laugh over that. So I fast-forward to May 2013. Finally, Al sells his dream home. He packs up his belongings and heads down to his Florida home. A week later it is Father's Day. After a perfect Father's Day dinner with family, Al and my sister enjoyed a relaxing swim in the pool. Al looks at my sister and says (paraphrase), "We have finally settled here and can really begin our lives together. I can't think of anyone else I want to spend the rest of my life with than you Pam." Then he put his hands on her face, looked into her eyes and said, "You are so beautiful." Beautiful. This was his last word. Moments later, Al had a massive heart attack and died. In an instant, their dream together was over. I can't put into words how difficult this moment was for my sister. Nor can I convey how hard it is for his three sons who have lost both parents to untimely deaths. Al's death devastated three family's: his biological family, Rose's family, and ours. His mother lives a few miles away in Florida, along with one of his three sisters. "It is unfair" makes sense. Al was an amazing person. He possessed a unique gift of being able to connect with anyone he met. After talking to Al, he would always say, "I really enjoyed having this conversation with you and look forward to more." His loss is huge because of how great a man he was to so many people. Al's dream was to have all three families come together to his place in Florida. He got his wish, not the way he imagined. All three families convened at Al's home for his memorial. We had it poolside, a few feet from where he died. The artwork you see above was done by me after I asked family and relatives to write down words that describe him. Take a close look and you will see what kind of man he was to us. I stood before the three families, friends, and neighbors who gathered together and said, "I am here today to fulfill a promise I made to Al." My eulogy was entitled, "Beautiful In It's Time" taken from the Book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 3. In it, the author, King Solomon talks about there being "times and seasons for every activity under heaven. A time to be born, a time to die" and so on. Then he writes, "God makes everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the hearts of men..." I told my favorite Al story about how he hired an old Italian carpenter to lay his hardwood floors throughout the house. (By the way, the floors are gorgeous!) When Al gave me the tour and told the story he stopped suddenly and talked about how the carpenter accidentally put a wide groove in the floor when he last control of the circular saw. Al was devastated and screamed, "You ruined my floor!" The old man quietly reassured him saying, "I will make it beautiful in time. You'll see." The old carpenter continued laying floor, occasionally taking left over pieces he examined carefully and placed in a pile. Once the floor was finished, he gathered the pile of wood pieces and went to the area that was damaged. He cut a perfect square, took out the damaged flooring, and carefully pieced together the wood he set aside. Finally, he inserted the donor wood into the square but it had a small arc. Al anxiously watched as the man took a rubber mallet and with one swift swing, popped the piece into the square for a perfect fit. Al could not see the seams. He stood there shocked. The old carpenter looked him in the eye and said, "See, I told you I make it look beautiful." As Al told me the story he said look on the floor Don and see if you can find the spot. I examined the floor but couldn't find it. Al pointed out the spot and smiled,"He did make it look beautiful!" I shared this story with the gathering of people to make a point. Al's life is a story that has not ended. The chapter of his life on earth ended. It appears to us that the story was ruined, like the floor, by an untimely death. However, the story is not over. In my view, God the master carpenter promises to make everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the hearts of people. Al is reunited with Rose, my nephew Scott, and he is meeting my dad for the first time. I told the people to expect a reunion on the other side. We just have to wait. It's not pleasant. It seems unfair. But that's the way it is. I leave my readers with what I told the group at the conclusion of my eulogy that Al might want us to do based on how he lived his life among us.

Be true to yourself

Work hard

Treat people right

Take care of your family

Enjoy food

Get back in the pool

Everything will be beautiful in its time

My sister Pam, along with her daughter and grandson were the first to get back in the pool. Later, the rest of the family and friends were doing the same. We ate good food, played games, laughed, had great conversations, and gave lots of hugs. Everything Al wanted. Everything we needed. Everything will be beautiful in its time. I want to thank so many of you, staff, clients, and friends who have shown concern for my family these past few weeks. It has been heartfelt. Thank you.

When Your Kids Become Adults

donald — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 01:31:42 +0000

I finished a difficult counseling session that left me feeling completely drained. Seconds later, my phone rings. "Oh please, not now" I thought to myself. The caller ID reads "Jordan". No, not MJ. Even better. It's my youngest of three, who coincidentally is 23 years old. "Hey dad, I'm in the area. Interested in getting a bite to eat?" Perfect timing. Normally at 5pm I'd be going into my next session, but on this particular day I had two cancellations which gave me plenty of time to have dinner with my son and head back to the office for my evening appointments. Dinner with Jordan was great. We talked about his new job, plans to further his education, and career aspirations. On the lighter side, we discussed sports and current TV series we like. By the end of dinner, my "dad tank" was full! Later that evening I texted Jordan to thank him for dinner and to convey how proud I am of him. It is a good feeling as a parent to see your kids transform into adults. How does this happen? I have no clue. Just kidding! Actually, there is a process I address at length in my book coming out later this year entitled, "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without Conflict". This process involves a parent-child dance with only three steps! Two for parents. One for the adult-child. The two steps for parents is simple: step in, step back. The one step for the child: step up. The steps are simple to remember. They are not as easy to execute! However, with practice this dance helps children advance through the stages of development and prepares them for transition into adulthood. No way I can fully cover the dance in an article, so be on the lookout for the book. Click here. Listening to my son Jordan talk as an adult about his life and plans, led me to think about our father-son journey. Suffice it to say, it wasn't always a smooth ride. The reasons are a private matter. The good news is we survived the turbulence and enjoy a relationship as adult men. I'm often asked by parents what they are supposed to do when their kids become adults. What is my role now? To what level do I still act as a parent? Should I be telling them what to do? The answer to these questions has to do in part with your style of parenting. But if you follow the two-step dance, it will guide your decisions. Let me explain.

Stepping Back as a Parent

Stepping back is the most important step you need to do as your kids transition into adulthood. If you don't, it will be harder for them to step up and take on the responsibilities of adulthood. Stepping up means they will have to problem solve and make decisions on their own. If you are always telling them what to do at this juncture, they will not develop the confidence and competence they need to function as adults. Do you fear they will make mistakes? That's okay. They will. You did. So did I. Making mistakes is a part of growing up. We learn from them. They force us to problem-solve and make better choices. This is how we mature. One of the hardest things for parents is to step back and watch their son or daughter make a wrong decision. Many feel responsible. Some blame themselves and struggle with guilt. Fearing the worst, these parents step in and take over. This reaction sends the wrong message to their budding adult. It says, "I don't have confidence in you to make good decisions. You need my help."

The Emperor Moth

It reminds me of the story of the Emperor Moth… One day a man visited his friend who had a moth collection. While his friend was busy in another room, he noticed an Emperor Moth struggling to emerge out of his cocoon. In desperation, the man picked up scissors and carefully clipped the cocoon, spilling the moth on to the table. When his friend returned he told him how he rescued the moth from its struggle. However, his friend informed him that what he did forever disabled the Emperor Moth. He said, “The struggle out of the cocoon is necessary in the transition. It is the struggle that allows fluid to move throughout the wings, which enables the moth to fly.” The transition into adulthood is meant to be a struggle. Young adults need to learn that along with the rights of adulthood, come responsibilities. Young adults crave the rights of adulthood. Some avoid the responsibilities. In order to become an adult they have to take on the responsibilities. Stepping back is necessary in order for them to step up.

Stepping In as a Parent

So when does a parent "step in"? I recommend a "3C Model": Crisis, Consultation, Congratulate

Crisis

When our adult children face a crisis of some sort, it is important for parents to step in and offer support. However, the level of support should not create an over-dependency on the parents. Remember, some struggle is important for maturation. Adult children need to learn how to develop and use problem-solving skills. If you take over then the crisis becomes your problem to solve, not theirs. Not good.

Consultation

Consultation is a second way to step in. There are times in which adult children are seeking advice on how to solve a problem or make a decision on an important matter, say for example, buying a car. Consultation is not telling your son or daughter what to do. Rather, it is a dialog in which you first seek to understand what their thoughts and ideas are about a particular issue they want to address. Afterwards, you offer some advice that may be of benefit. Consultation conveys the message, "I recognize you are an adult and I have confidence in your ability to figure things out and manage this responsibility." This interaction acknowledges the shift in roles and responsibilities. Your relationship is becoming adult-adult.

Congratulate

Congratulate is a third way to step in. Pay attention to the little and big things they do to function as an adult. Commend them on these successes. Convey a message of confidence in their ability to succeed. Look them in the eye and tell them you are proud of them. Parents' words carry a lot of weight. Avoid criticism. Pay compliments. During dinner with Jordan I adopted a position of curiosity and took an interest in his thoughts and ideas about his future. I asked questions about his new job, what he hopes to gain from the experience, and about his career path. He shared his passion, why he enjoys the field, and what direction he envisions for his career. This information helped me see the world through his eyes. Next, I validated him by commending his passion, potential, and sense of purpose. I "stepped in" to instill two important things in my son: confidence and competence. In sharing with him what I see in him, I wanted to let Jordan know that I believe in him and support his journey. I also validated his competence by affirming his qualities, skills and potential. Finally, I offered a few ideas to consider. It was a synergistic conversation which I expect will fuel his motivation to succeed. So how are you doing with the two-step dance? Stepping in more than stepping back? If you wait for your kids to "step up" before you "step back" you will be "stepping in" all the time. From a young adult perspective, there is no need to "step up" when a parent is taking care of the problem. Maybe it's time to start stepping back some more. You may be surprised by what happens when they really start to step up.

Two Words to Better Communication

donald — Mon, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

How to Know When You're Failing In The Right Direction

donald — Sun, 26 Jan 2014 04:53:31 +0000

I surprised my wife Marian this weekend with an overnight at the Herrington Inn, a lovely hotel on the Fox River in Geneva, Illinois. It was a nice break after feeling cooped-up during the arctic freeze that forced us into hibernation. A cozy getaway was a perfect remedy. We had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants (Niche), totally relaxing in a quiet atmosphere of subdued lighting, nice music, and fine cuisine. It was just what we needed. During dinner we talked about several topics of interest to us. Marian recently returned to school and was sharing some of the interesting things she is learning. I reflected on my recently published book "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict" and some new goals I set for myself in 2014 and going forward. It was pretty clear that both of us are being stretched beyond the norm in our pursuits. Yet it was one of those moments when you feel bonded in support of each other's dreams. I am proud of her and I know she feels likewise toward me. At one point I looked into my wife's eyes and said, "I'd rather try and fail, than fail to try." Marian agreed. Trying is not failing. Failure is not trying. In fact, I prefer to redefine failure as "learning". So my quote would read, "I'd rather try and learn, than fail to try." One must factor in mistakes, setbacks, and resistance in their pursuit of dreams. These are opportunities to learn, grow and succeed. I call it "failing in the right direction". Normalize failing. Understand it as learning and you will keep trying. It's what kept Thomas Edison and others on task to accomplish their goals.

How You Know You Are Failing In The Right Direction

Your words and your actions are congruent

It makes no sense to talk about making changes in your life and/or your relationships and do nothing about it. If your actions are not matching your words, than you are failing to try. However, if you actively choose to work on doing what you say you want than you are congruent. So if you say you want to be more loving to your spouse, you will make a conscious attempt to do it, knowing you won't be 100% perfect. I said I wanted to write a book so I had to set aside time (free time) to do it. I could think of a lot of other things I wanted to do that were easier but that meant I would "fail to try" writing my book. This was unacceptable to me.

You are willing to try new approaches

Couples often see me because they are mired in conflict. They cannot seem to resolve issues-- they just stockpile them. Consequently, they cannot achieve the level of intimacy they long for in the relationship. The problem is their approach. When I work with them, they learn more effective ways to communicate and connect. The key to their success is a mutual willingness to try a new approach. How about you? Are you willing to try a new method? You open to learn from others? Or, are you more predisposed to doing things your way? People who fail in the right direction will try new approaches until they find one that works and stick with it. The key is they don't give up. The outcome is too important.

You keep trying even when you don't get immediate results

We live in a culture designed to offer immediate gratification. As a result, we are conditioned to expect results quickly. In previous generations, people were accustomed to waiting for things: letters to arrive by mail, saving money in order to purchase cars, furniture, clothing, etc... Today, we can have what we want when we want it. "Buy now, pay later." Two brain mechanisms necessary for survival are frustration tolerance and impulse control. Because of instant gratification many people today struggle with impulse control and low frustration tolerance. Consequently, when things take time or don't happen right away there is a tendency for some to give up. Immediate gratification needs take over and they find a substitutionary way to cope: impulse buying, drinking, eating, sexual pleasure, etc... If you want to achieve a goal or purpose in life then you must keep trying even when your efforts don't give you immediate results. Expect resistance. Factor it in. This is the element that will build your character and make you stronger if you face it head on. So, if you are trying to rebuild trust with your spouse and you are met with distance, don't stop trying. In a loving and respectful manner continue to convey your words followed by actions that are congruent. Over time, your spouse will likely respond in the manner you wish.

You learn from the mistakes that happen along the way

In the course of writing my book I made several mistakes along the way. Some were in writing, which my editor caught and corrected. Other mistakes occurred in the publishing phase learning the differences in ebook and print versions. Notice I used the word "learning"? Facing obstacles, making mistakes, and working through them is a rewarding aspect of the journey. The knowledge gained is integrated and informs future behavior. Each lesson learned moves you in the direction of your goal. Normalize mistakes. They are your companions on the journey toward success.

You eventually function at a higher level

I remember how I felt just before I pressed the send button that gave permission for my book to be published. It was quite emotional for me. I was about to bring "my baby" out for public exposure. To say I struggled is an understatement. I did not want anyone criticizing my work. All my deepest fears and insecurities surfaced. I could feel the resistance. Then I took a moment to think about the reason I wrote the book and remembered it was not about me, but about helping people and influencing culture on the need to bring respect back. With a surge of energy, my finger hit the send button and I felt an incredible sense of peace. Since then I have felt different. The only way I can explain it is by the story Chuck Yeager told in 1947 when he reached Mach I and broke the sound barrier. Prior to this feat, every attempt was met with the most intense resistance. Cabin pressure in the aircraft felt like it was going to implode. However, when Yeager broke the sound barrier, he made the following observation: "I thought I was seeing things! We were flying supersonic! And it was as smooth as a baby's bottom." I fly much smoother these days when it comes to my vision to influence culture by bringing respect back. My goals are loftier, matched by higher motivation, energy, and focus. I never envisioned the things I now pursue. My primary purpose is to make a difference in the lives of others. Now it takes an expanded approach. Lord willing, I will follow this path. In my work, I have observed couples functioning at a higher level. Many of these survived infidelity and other distressing problems. How did they achieve this? They did so by following the steps I discussed above. They decided to "try" without a guarantee of a successful outcome. When it was difficult they agreed not to give up and keep working together. They tried new approaches I offered and when they made mistakes, they learned from them. They understood they were "failing in the right direction". Over time, they began to function at a higher level. My hope for you is to keep trying to achieve your dreams, be they personal or professional. Don't be dissuaded by setbacks or obstacles. These are learning opportunities you will need to build character, teach skills, give you wisdom. This is failing in the right direction. "I'd rather try and fail than fail to try." I leave you with a Japanese proverb that inspires me to never give up.

5 Ways to Disarm an Argument

donald — Sat, 15 Mar 2014 17:46:32 +0000

Arguments are inevitable. Can't avoid them 100% of the time. Under certain circumstances the probability increases a fight is coming. Things like-- a bad mood-- rough day--or, "oops, I forgot". Then there are conflicts that blindside you. Everything seems to be going well--good mood--smooth day-- and "got it done". All of a sudden--BAM! A fight explodes from nowhere. Arguments, not handled well end bad. It doesn't have to be this way. You can disarm an argument and resolve the problem.

Why Disarm Arguments?

They are a buzz kill

Nothing worse than an argument to spoil a good time. I've heard couples tell me how planned dinner dates or vacations were ruined due to arguments that were poorly handled. Why allow a dispute to ruin a good time? It doesn't have to be this way.

They waste valuable assets: time and energy

Have you ever logged how long some of your arguments last? I hear couples talk about going into a "Cold War" for hours or days following an unresolved conflict. When I ask them to tell me what it's like, they report sleepless nights, feeling upset, and unable to focus on other important matters.

They stockpile and become ammunition for future arguments

Unresolved arguments don't go away. They are simply stockpiled around the relationship waiting to be reloaded in future conflicts. If you've been in a relationship long enough you know what I am talking about.

They are a drain on the relationship

Arguments not handled properly can suck the life out of a couple. Ever notice how quickly your media device drains when you give it a work out? Relationships are no different. Arguments quickly drain your batteries leaving little power for anything else--like quality connection.

They establish patterns of avoidance (a relationship toxin)

Tired of fighting with your spouse/partner? You may like do what most couples do. Avoid each other to avoid a fight. This is not a good sign. Avoidance patterns is toxic to a relationship.

Five Ways To Disarm A Conflict

Get a "quick grip" on yourself

First, check your attitude and approach. Are you amping up? Dial yourself down. You can do this by taking deep breaths and do some internal self-coaching. Here is what I do. "Okay Don, dial down. Now, show respect in how you address the problem."

Shift your focus from the person to the problem

Arguments don't have to be "what you did to me" arguments. Another approach is "what it does to us". Let me illustrate by the following statements in an argument about being late. What you did to me: "You always do this to me. You're never on time. Now we are late to the party." What it does to us: "When we run late, it stresses me out and can affect our night together. It would help, if in the future if we both agree to pay attention to the time." Notice the shift from the person to the problem.

Establish code language

My wife and I have disarmed many arguments by using verbal and non-verbal code language we have developed over time. When one uses the code, it signals the other to respond in a reciprocal manner. Here is some of our code language Non-verbal: shifting to a calm voice, reaching out for a hand, a note under the door. Verbal: "I don't like how we are talking now. Can we slow it down?" "We are not doing a good job right now." "I don't want to fight about this. Do you?" "Let's try it again." Do you notice the use of "I" and "we" in the code language? It is an excellent means of disarming an argument.

Reboot the discussion

Sometimes when a computer is not working right, a reboot is necessary. If you are in a conflict cycle, stop and ask your partner to reboot the discussion. Agree to simple rules: speak one at a time, listen and validate, try to find common ground.

Own your end of the argument and repair it

This is a no-brainer. However, it is important that both parties own their end of the argument, no matter how small. Couples who don't repair arguments end up stuck-in-a-rut in an endless loop of conflict. Repair it. Say you're sorry, Move on. Let me add one more thing. Normalize mistakes in your marriage. You are not perfect. Just agree to work on them and do so.

Benefits of Disarming Arguments

More time and energy for the relationship
Feeling of success as a couple
You manage your conflicts, not the other way around
Increases connection and intimacy in the relationship
Problems are resolved, not stockpiled

If you want to read more about how to build healthy relationships check out my new book: "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict"

How to Make the Best of Now

donald — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 00:49:57 +0000

If Only I Had a DeLorean!

On several occasions this past week while I was seeing clients in counseling, I kept thinking, “If only they had a DeLorean!” You remember the famed car from the “Back to the Future” trilogy? Marty McFly had the power to go backward or forward in time. By punching in the date of his choice, the DeLorean fueled by the “flux-capacitor” would take him to any point in time he wished. If I had a DeLorean for a day, here’s my first roundtrip: April 8, 2014. I would know the whole winning bracket for the NCAA Basketball tournament so I can fill out my selections and win $1,000,000,000,000 from Warren Buffet! Listening to people unpack their problems I often hear them say, “If I can only have a do-over.” Or, “If I knew it would work out in the end, I would not be so worried now.” If only I had a DeLorean! Sadly, we cannot hit the rewind button and edit the outcome. Nor can we fast-forward in time and script the future. All we can do is make the best of now.

How To Make The Best Of Now

Learn From the Mistakes You Made in the Past

Unfortunately, we cannot go back in time and undo what we did wrong. It doesn’t help beating ourselves up every day either. If you want to get past your past, deal with it, learn from it, and move forward. Make amends with others. Work hard on changing your behavior. Strive to be a better person.

Be Grateful for What You Have Now

Don’t focus on your losses, it will only perpetuate the hurt. Observe what and who you have in your life now. Invest here. Appreciate what you have. Let others know you value them.

Take Good Care of Yourself

You only have one life. I’ll say it again. You only have one life. It will end before you know it. Do I need to add anything here? Okay, go to it!

Take Good Care of Your Relationships

Are you good at this? If so, continue on. If not, get help. Do not take the people in your life for granted. Your kids will be adults before you know it. Your spouse can tolerate bad behavior for so long. See my article on resentment. If you struggle at relationships then get some coaching. I’m a relationship specialist. I’d be happy to assist. You can start by reading my book: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict.

Use What You Have Now to Make a Difference in the Future

What do you have in your possession? A boy with a few fish and some bread offered it to the right person and he fed over 5000 people. Do you know that story? Express your smile to brighten someone’s day. Use your brain to solve a problem that’s seeking a solution. Invest time in a charitable cause. Risk failure to follow your passion.

Experience the Now

“Be in the moment” is what Phil Jackson preached to MJ and the Chicago Bulls in their title run. I used to look forward to vacation, then once it began, I started counting down the days till it ended. What a killjoy! My approach since has changed. I experience the now, soaking up every moment, squeezing every drop of sweet juice I can. It has made a huge difference! In your hectic life, slow down and be present with now. Allow yourself simple pleasures. Allow your senses to capture the moment. Savor the food. Listen. Smell. Feel. Observe. Slow down. I think you get my point.

5 Affordable Couple Activities to Spring Into Action

donald — Mon, 12 May 2014 00:39:14 +0000

My wife Marian and I celebrated our wedding anniversary today. Early in the morning we took a stroll through the Morton Arboretum, a 1700 acre estate that we call our home away from home. Well not exactly home. We are members. For years we have hiked the trails, biked the paths, and lingered in the gardens of pure floral delight. Today during our springtime ritual, I watched my wife gently pet the flowers, giving a pep talk to each one she greets. I sit on a bench smiling as she kneels on the ground for minutes with her face buried in a patch of Lily of the Valley flowers, inviting the wafting scent to fill her nostrils. I can watch this for hours. The connection she has with nature is something quite unique. [caption id="attachment_1229" align="alignright" width="300"] Picture of a muskrat at Morton Arboretum[/caption] Reflecting on our time at the arboretum, reminded me how an activity like this connects us on such a deep level. I think in part, nature has the ability to center us on beauty, simplicity, and solitude. It also invites intimacy. Some of our deepest conversations happen when we stroll through nature. I also thought about how activities like nature walks are affordable ways couples can connect. Right now, Spring is bursting with life, color, beauty, and fragrance. Spring is inviting us to engage. After the brutal winter we had in the Midwest, boy we need it! Are you due or overdue for some couple time? Do you need a heavy dose of the great outdoors? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, let me share with you 5 affordable couple activities you can spring into action.

Bike or Hike the Trails near your home

A quick and easy way to enjoy an outdoor activity is practically in your back yard! Hitch the bikes to the back your car and head to the nearest trail and off you go. Or if you prefer a walk, take a casual stroll hand-in-hand and enjoy the sights, sounds, and freshness of spring. Biking or hiking is the perfect activity to reduce stress and to connect together. [caption id="attachment_1226" align="alignright" width="300"] Picture taken at Chicago Botanic Garden in Glencoe, IL[/caption]

Visit a local botanic garden

May is a great month to see trees and flowers blossom. Botanic gardens are often free or require a nominal fee to visit and well worth it. It is a romantic setting to relax together sitting on a bench or laying in the grass on a blanket. Later today, I drove Marian to the botanic garden where I asked her to marry me. It was nice to relive the moment several years ago when my best friend Doug hid behind some greenery playing his violin while I got on my knee and proposed marriage.

Plant a garden together

Gardens are therapeutic. The process parallels what it takes to grow a healthy relationship. It can be a great way to work on your marriage. Yes, there is the potential for an argument or two, but if you can work through them and stay the course, it can actually be a meaningful experience. The vegetables you plant together in the spring can be a salad you prepare together in the summer. [caption id="attachment_1231" align="alignright" width="300"] Marian with the Oak Tree on his 10th birthday.[/caption] In the fall of 2001, within weeks of the 911 tragedy my wife and I took a long walk at the arboretum. Marian carefully selected an acorn that had fallen from a white oak tree. When we arrived home she gently placed it in new planter with fresh soil and took it to her office in downtown Chicago. For months, she carefully nurtured the plant, giving it proper food and lighting as she strategically placed it on a sill in her office providing enough sunlight. The following spring, we planted it on the grounds of our church. Every week we would care for the sapling. Even the church groundskeeper was on duty to make sure the little oak got a fighting chance to survive. Survive he did! Even when a car ran off the road and drove over his little body, he was able to pull through. Today he is a healthy, growing tree now visible from a far distance. Whenever we drive past the church we always glance at our boy to make sure he's doing okay.

Put on your baseball cap and watch a game

Guys love when their girls do activities with them! I hear this over and over in my work with couples. Nothing better than cheering on your favorite team with your "better half" at your side! I enjoy sitting in the stands with Marian next to me wearing her cool White Sox apparel. Or when it's not a professional game, sometimes we stop at the park near our home and watch the semi-pro teams play soccer or football. It's free and entertaining.

Take a drive out in the country

How long does it take to get out of the city or the burbs? Major interstates can get you there in no time. Once you reach the rural area, hit the next exit and take the back roads as far as you wish. It is one of the most fun and relaxing activities you can do together. Stop in the small towns and take a stroll down Main Street. Eat in a local establishment or have some ice cream. Recently, Marian and I drove home from Starved Rock State Park in Utica, Illinois. Instead of taking I-80 back home, we drove down Route 6. I selected the InkSpots channel on Pandora and we listened to classic sounds of the 40s. It was as if we were jettisoned back in time as we drove along the countryside through farmland and little towns, each one with a unique story to tell. In the town square in Ottawa, a large sculptor of Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglass is located on the site of his first debate. We consider that detour one of the best experiences and it only took an extra hour to get home.

Ready to Spring into action?

Hopefully by now I whet your appetite to spring into action. So, what's your next move? Hiking? Biking? Or, maybe it's tilling the soil together in the back yard? I offered 5 affordable activities. Maybe you know more. If so, I am inviting you to share them with our readers. You may also know some cool places to go "on the cheap" that you can share as well. Below is a list of affordable places you can go in the Chicagoland area. Morton Arboretum in Lisle, IL Botanic Gardens St. James Farm Fox River St. Charles Midewin National Tallgrass Prairie - near Joliet, IL. It is the largest tall grass prairie in Illinois Illinois Prairie Path Illinois Canal Bike Trail - Channahon to Morris, IL

5 Key Steps to Repair an Offense

donald — Tue, 13 May 2014 21:34:25 +0000

One of my favorite YouTube channels is called "How It Should Have Ended". It is an animated spoof that re-enacts movie endings. Many of these tongue-in-cheek clips are hilarious! Today I am putting a totally different spin on "How It Should Have Ended", in fact a more serious tone after I listened to a Donald Sterling interview. Cooper Anderson interviewed Donald Sterling on his show, Anderson Cooper 360. What was supposed to be an opportunity to repair the damage he made with his repulsive racist comments, only unleashed more public ire against a man who is devoid of sincerity. He seemed more concerned about how this debacle is affecting him than the harm he caused to African Americans, NBA and the rest of us who want to rid society of racism and prejudice. As a relationship specialist, I am often called upon to help individuals repair harm caused by words or actions that show disrespect toward others. I provide a toolkit for my clients. Everyone can repair offenses by following 5 key steps. Each step begins with the letter "A" so that it is easy to remember. If Donald Sterling were my client here is how I would coach him.

Step 1: Admit you are wrong

When you say or do something that offends another person, you begin the repair by an admission. Sterling started with an omission. In the interview, he said, "When I listen to that tape, I don't even know how I can say words like that. ... I don't know why the girl had me say those things," he told CNN's Anderson Cooper in an exclusive interview.

Later in the interview, Sterling made apologies but they were quickly followed up by saying what a good guy he is.

Admission is not about you. It is about the person(s) you have harmed with your words and/or actions. Which brings me to the second step.

Step 2: Acknowledge how your actions specifically hurt the other person(s)

Admission comes from your head. It's about facts. Acknowledgment comes from your heart. It's about hurt. The key word is "specifically". Donald Sterling would have gone a long way in repairing the damage he inflicted by looking into the camera and speaking honestly about how he specifically hurt the LA Clippers organization, Magic Johnson, African-Americans, and everyone in America who opposes racism and bigotry. A specific acknowledgment of wrong doing addresses the harm from the perspective of the person who was on the receiving end. The expression of remorse comes from the heart. It's honest. No sugar-coating. Accepts responsibility. Doesn't make excuses. It is a pure apology.

Step 3: Accept responsibility for your actions without blame.

Donald Sterling spoke about the incident as if he were an observer of what was happening to him. In reality, he was an active participant. The words on the tape were his words. When asked about it, he intimated he was set up.

"You're saying you were set up?" Cooper asked.

"Well yes, I was baited," Sterling said. "I mean, that's not the way I talk."

A good repair is an admission without blaming others. Sterling attempted to wiggle out of the problem by blaming Ms. Stiviano, his former paramour who taped the conversation.

If you are going to repair a problem with someone, even if they share some of the responsibility for the situation, own yours without blame. No one forces words out of your mouth. Nobody forces your hand to act.

Step 4: Ask for forgiveness

"I'm sorry" is a statement. "Will you forgive me?" is a request. To simply say your sorry implies the other person is supposed to forgive you. On the other hand, when you ask for forgiveness, it is clear the other person is under no obligation to comply. Asking for forgiveness is humbling. Humility is in order if you want to repair harm inflicted upon another.

Step 5: Agree to work on changing your behavior

Donald Sterling has to come to terms with who he is. He also has to decide who he wants to be going forward. Does he want to remain a bigot? Or, has this experience forced him to look in the mirror and face who he is? If he is sincere in his desire to repair his relationships with those he offended he will have to take action and address his problem with racism. If he doesn't, he will likely continue to spew his sentiments again. Words are cheap. Behavior is what counts. In the words of Henry Thoreau, "Who you are speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying." The endgame is about respect. This is what is lacking in Donald Sterling. Respect is missing in our culture. It seems as though we lost respect for respect. Make sense? I have written a new book about relationships called Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without Conflict. In it I address respect, a missing element that contributes to a breakdown in relationships. I teach my readers how to give and earn respect by offering tools and strategies that improves communication and builds trust. The dual benefit is less conflict and more connection. I encourage you to give it a look. click here

A lesson for us all

Donald Sterling's attempt to right a wrong is a lesson on what not to do. If you are not sincere and own up, its best to shut up. Otherwise you only make it worse. On the other hand, if you are truly sorry when you hurt someone then consider the approach above. The 5-step tool kit to repair offenses is a proven strategy. I use it professionally in my work and personally in my relationships. Give it a try.

A Free Offer

For a limited time I am offering a free copy of my Repair Kit. You can get your by simply subscribing to my email list. Once a week I write blogs on how to have successful relationships. My tools and strategies apply in marriage, family, business, and in all social realms. On the top right corner of this page is a short form to complete. Once you give me permission, I will add to the subscriber list and sent your Repair Kit. Please note: I do not share or sell email lists.

Ideas

I'd be interested in hearing comments from others on what you do to correct offenses. Or, if you are on the receiving end of an offense, what you're looking from the other person to resolve the problem. Feel free to leave a comment.

Guys...Why it's good to listen to your mate sometimes

donald — Wed, 28 May 2014 22:10:28 +0000

Marian and I are on vacation at our favorite spot, JW Marriott Camelback Resort in Paradise Valley, Arizona. It is our "go to" place when we need the 3Rs: rest, romance, and rejuvenation. Needless to say, we've been here many times. We go to all the local places and have even developed some relationships out here. It's pretty cool. The spa at the Camelback is one of our favorite places to rest and rejuvenate. We hang out here every day. I usually get a couple of massages, including a scalp, which is hypnotic in a good way. Marian gets the works! This trip she talked me into doing two treatments I never considered: manicure and pedicure. Everything man about me resisted the idea. Until she told me the price includes a day pass and saves me $5. Sold. Boy was I sold! First day was the manicure. My hands had the soft feel women prefer in a chivalry man. Afterwards, Marian had that look in her eye that said "my man did well". Day two was the pedicure. Mind you, I had been posting pictures of my feet on FaceBook the day before. Some of the comments were brutal like, "you have gnarly feet". To which I responded, "manly gnarly feet". Guys, note to self: women don't like "manly gnarly feet". They like "manly soft feet". So, I had a pedicure. Ended up with manly soft feet. Again, Marian had that look in her eye. Okay guys, let me share three reasons why it is good to listen to your mate sometimes.

They know what's good for us sometimes

Admit it guys. Women know a lot of things men need that help us for the good. We just don't listen enough. Many guys worry about women controlling their lives. So do women. That's a topic for another blog. The point is, sometimes our mates are more informed in areas that we lack. We should be open to their input and act on it. The pedicure was amazing! Rhonda, my clinician, chiseled layers of dead skin that needed to go. She scrubbed my feet with an exfoliant and followed up with a cream that left a soft and smooth finish. Pedicures are manly!

They like us more when we listen

One of the first things I noticed about Marian was how she moved so close to me afterwards. We already have a great relationship. But, because I took her advice and I liked the result, she felt good that I felt good. Does that make sense? I made it a point to let her know how much I appreciated her recommendation. She was giddy. Frisky too! Guys, be sure you let your spouse/partner know you appreciate their advice.

They are more open to listen to us too!

Okay, so now I'm sitting in the men's relaxation room writing the third reason when a text comes in from my wife. I had recommended she get a scalp massage a few days ago. Here's what she texted: "I should have listened to you and had this done sooner. Listening to mate goes both ways." Great minds think alike! Here is a general rule about influence in relationships. When we are open to influence from our mates, they will be open to influence from us. I write about this at length in my book, "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict". Truth be told, we should all do a better job listening to each other.

Now it's your turn to comment

Can you think of time you listened to your spouse/partner and liked the outcome? I welcome your comment. Click: leave a comment link below. Are you thinking about doing something your mate has been trying to convince you to do? Ready to take the plunge? Share your plan by clicking the link below: leave a comment.

Are You a Family on the Run or a Family Having Fun?

donald — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 02:13:54 +0000

In 1990, the blockbuster movie, “Home Alone” was released in theaters and took America by storm. Who could forget 8 year-old Kevin McCallister, the adorable blond-haired boy? The poor kid was left behind by his family in their haste to catch a flight to Paris. I am sure many of us can identify with the frantic antics of the family moving in a frenetic pace to get to their destination. Yet in their haste they forgot something...err someone very important.

I visualize that scene when I think about families in the new millennium.

Families are moving fast!

Parents and kids are scheduled to the max from dawn to dusk. Busyness is not a buzzword, it is a virus wreaking havoc in families across America. I call this epidemic, “family-on-the-run”.

Family on the Run

Family-on-the-run describes how family life is conducted in many households today. Relationships “happen” as parents and kids run from one activity to the next. It’s like running a triathlon!

The first leg of the run

Begins in the morning, getting the kids off to school and parents to work. Sounds easy? Think again. For many households, the morning routine is the hardest. Competing agendas. Parents are trying to get the kids out the door. Kids are trying their parents' patience. Let the games begin.

The second leg of the run

After school ends the second leg follows as kids run to one of many after school appointments: tutor, music lessons, doctors appointments, etc... Dinner-on-the-run is common, take your pick: fast food, take-home, grocery ready-to-eat, or ready-to-serve restaurants, all designed to make things quick and easy.

The third leg of the run

This is often an organized sporting, fine arts or school event the kids participate in. Did we forget homework? Oh yeah, that fits in somewhere in legs two or three of the triathlon, or sometimes in the morning before school starts.

Sound like your family?

Guess what, you’re not alone. The starting line in the family-on-the-run triathlon is jammed packed! In case you’re wondering, other families are exhausted too. Family-on-the-run is stressing everyone. The pace is taking a toll on parents and kids. Be that as it may, it appears very few do anything to address the stress.

The reasons for this are varied, but I think one key factor is some parents want to make sure they give their kids every opportunity to succeed in life. Extra-curricular activities provide outlets for learning and developing skills and talents that will hopefully lead them to become successful adults. The idea is good, however problems emerge when families are over-scheduled. As the pace accelerates, so does the stress. Consequently, families do not develop a healthy rhythm. Sadly, problems emerge.

Potential mental health risks

Chronic stress
Chronic fatigue
Early onset of anxiety-based and mood-based disorders
Decrease in healthy communication
Increase in family conflicts
Lack of connectedness
Decrease in motivation and enjoyment

Look over this list again. It’s not exhaustive, I could add more. If you can check two or more of these signs then it is likely that you are doing family-on-the-run. Pause for a moment and think about your family. Are you stressed out? Are your kids? Or have you found a rhythm that works?

Family Having Fun

Here are three suggestions that can shift you from Family-on the-run to Family-having-fun...

Modify your pace

Shift to a lower gear. You don’t have to go extreme, but can you slow things down a little bit? Look at your calendar and list of activities in your family. Is there something that can be eliminated? Are your kids involved in too many activities? If so, pare it back a little.

Create some space

for unstructured family time. Schedule it on the calendar if it will help you to do it. Unstructured time is “fill in the blank” time. Put away the gadgets! You can play a family game: hide and seek, a board game, nature walk, bonfire, etc... Why not rake leaves into piles and jump into them! Remember? We did this when we were kids. This time can be used to relax, read, nap, or have casual conversations to check-in with each other.

Have some face-time

I’m not talking iPad here. Establish one-on-one time within your family circle. Alone time with your kids one-on-one is important in developing healthy parent-child bonds. There are several creative ways to do this. Ask your child or teen. By the way, if you’re married or have a partner, be sure you fit in face-time with each other. It is one of the best things you can do for your kids. A connected “we” makes for a healthy family!

When your kids are older and share stories about the family what do you think they will remember? Parents sitting in the stands? Maybe. Family having fun? Probably.

More often than not, they will talk about the fun things you did together. Less often will they talk about you sitting in the stands watching their games. Why? Doing things together matters more than sitting on the sidelines multitasking between watching them perform and checking your emails, texting or catching up on Facebook. Deep down inside kids and adults long for connection.

Family-on-the-run or Family-having-fun? Parents, it’s your call.

Tell us how you have fun

What do you do to have fun together? What is your favorite family game? Share your cool ideas in the comment box.

3 Key Assets Every Dad Can Give to His Kids

donald — Tue, 10 Jun 2014 23:07:50 +0000

My dad looked at my lip and turned to my mom and said, "He's going to need stitches." I was five years old and my upper lip was sliced open after I stumbled into a sharp corner. An hour later I'm lying on a gurney looking in my dad's eyes while a doctor is stitching my lip. "Just focus your eyes on me" dad said, "I'm right by your side". Fifty years later, I can still remember the bright lights, the smell of the hospital, the feel of the surgical garment over my face, and the calm and reassuring look in my dad's eyes that made me feel safe. What I felt as a child, I later experienced as a dad when my daughter severely cut her hand and needed stitches. However, this time while I did all the things I remember my father doing, I felt the powerlessness of a parent knowing that the fate of my daughter was out of my control. Fortunately, the doctor did an amazing job stitching her hand. And my daughter? She was such a brave little girl! Parenting does not come with a manual. Most of us learn how to be a parent by watching how our parents did it. We learn what to do, and sometimes what not to do. But if we parent from the heart and use our heads we figure it out. In my profession, I counsel, coach, write, and speak on the subject of parenting on a regular basis. I recently published a book on bringing respect back in families. click here In this blog, I want to shift from a professional voice to a personal tone. I write as a struggling dad to fellow dads who struggle to fulfill our duty, knowing we don't always get it right. I am well aware of my failures. Doing our best doesn't guarantee we won't make mistakes along the way. However, if we stick with it, we can give our kids some valuable assets. So, in honor of Father's Day, I'd like to share 3 key assets every dad can give to his kids.

Give them your heart

Most guys operate from their heads. This is how we are raised by our dads. We tend to be thinkers, doers, problem-solvers. Men process in the thinking stream of the brain and less of the feeling stream. This approach works well at work. Not so much at home. Thinking and feeling streams need to flow here. Our kids and spouses need to feel our hearts. Giving your heart is expressing your feelings. Not anger or frustration. They see enough of that. I'm talking about feelings they can connect with. Happiness about life. Sadness over a movie. Silliness because you're in a playful mood. Compassion for the suffering of others. Giving your heart means speaking from your heart to your kids. Your head conveys facts, information, instruction. Your heart conveys sentiment, how you feel about a matter. Kids often think they are loved and accepted when they do what their parents expect. When you give them your heart they will know they are loved unconditionally.

Give them your story

I used to love to sit at the kitchen table and listen to my dad tell me stories about his experiences in the navy. He wasn't much of a talker, but when those moments came I was all ears. Do your kids know your story? If not, I recommend you begin sharing it with them. The best way to tell it is in the moment, when it relates to something they are going through. It could be a story about what it felt like to be afraid.

Talk about your experiences trying something for the first time.
Successes you've had.
Failures you encountered.
Your first crush!

Telling your story is a part of your parent/child relationship and continues into adulthood. Do not edit out the parts of the story where you failed. These are lessons you can share with them. With my kids, I talked about my challenges as a teenager. I shared what I did right and what I did wrong. I also talked about my spiritual journey and how it guides my life this very day. My kids witnessed me go through a career transition. They watched me return to school and sat on the front row when I gave the commencement speech. Talking to your kids about your career journey can also inspire and inform them as they transition into adulthood.

Give them your support

Think about this. What motivates kids more than anything is a parent who believes in them and backs it up. I'm talking about support. Support that comes from the heart. Spoken words that convey sentiments. "I have confidence in you." It is our duty as dads to instill two important messages in our kids: confidence and competence. Criticism or over-correcting can de-motivate kids. When kids know you are in their corner, that you believe in them, and that you support them, they are more likely to succeed in life. Support is more than showing up at an event. It is listening well, tracking their dreams and aspirations. Support is stepping in to help, but not taking over. It is believing in your son or daughter's ability to figure things out. [caption id="attachment_1437" align="alignleft" width="300"] Jordan and me in Arizona[/caption] Last August (2013) I wrote an article, "When Your Kids Become Adults". I talked about my relationship with my youngest son Jordan. Since our conversation he has taken a bold step in his life. At age 24, he moved to Arizona where he landed a job at Mayo Clinic. I took him to there when he was 15 years old and he told me then that his dream was to live in Arizona. He arrived in Arizona the last week in May, while my wife and I were there for a vacation. "I am proud of you." These were the words I conveyed to him. Jordan is following his passion. For me, it was my Father's Day gift. I couldn't ask for anything more. Three assets that make a powerful impact in our kids: hearts, stories, support.

Let's Continue the Conversation

You heard some of my story. I would enjoy hearing yours. You can join the discussion by entering your comments below. I offer some starter questions. Feel free to answer any one. Here are some starter questions:

What asset have you recently given your kid(s)?
Can you recall a time when you shared your story with your son or daughter? What was it like? How did they respond?
How do you show support to your kids? What do you do that works well?
What is the greatest memory you have of your dad?
What do you hope your kids will remember about you?

3 Keys to Success I Learned From a Caddy

donald — Thu, 19 Jun 2014 23:31:45 +0000

I want to talk about how you can be successful in your interpersonal relationships. The three keys I am about to share, I picked up on a golf course the other day from a caddy. Let me begin by saying I am new to golf. I decided to take up the sport last year. Actually, my favorite playtime is basketball. I play full-court b-ball twice a week at the health club where I have a membership. Yet, since so many of my friends are golfers, I decided to learn the game. So, last year I took a few lessons, and played about a dozen times or so. A week ago one of my best buds John, who is a member of a business owners group with me called me. He invited me to join him and a couple of other friends in a foursome at Medinah Country Club, where he is a member. The only other time I was on this course was when I attended a PGA open and watched Tiger Woods and other pros in a tournament. Golf Medinah? I'm in! Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire! I haven't been out golfing yet this year, not even to the range! So the day before, I go to a nearby range and hit a bucket of balls. Early indication of golf readiness was not good. The next day we had our business meeting at Medinah, followed by a 4:15pm tee time. Throughout the day my anxiety rose like the temperature, 90 degrees plus humidity. Thunderstorms were predicted. I prayed for rain...no such luck. Before we arrived to tee off, John announces we will have caddies with us. Anxiety spike! I'm thinking, "now I'm going to embarrass myself in front of 5 people". Teeing off was a pretty sight, at least for my friends: Chris, John, and Jay. Center cut shots, or slightly off the fairway. Now it was my turn. If I was a pitcher, one might say I throw a nasty curve. But this is golf...and it's Medinah. Can it get anymore intense? After my curve ball tee shot landed in "no man's land" I confessed to my caddy, a young college-age kid named Joey, that I was a new golfer. What he said next changed everything and resulted in the best golfing experience I ever had. In fact, my caddy's whole approach in working with me taught me a lot about how to be successful in relationships. I would like to share with you 3 keys to success I learned from my caddy.

Begin and end every encounter with respect

At the first point of contact, Joey established the tone of our relationship. He held out his hand, gave me a firm shake, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Sir, I am ready to assist you in any way possible to make your experience enjoyable." His demeanor did not change over the course of the afternoon even when some of the balls I hit went off the fairway and into the thick grass. If you want to be successful in life you will have to develop good interpersonal skills that convey respect. I am concerned that in our media-driven culture we are becoming less proficient in this area. Texts, tweets, and IMs have replaced the face-to-face encounters that are necessary to form a real connection. While technology makes connecting more efficient in terms of speed and accessibility, the downside is the quality of the interaction. It's easy to misfire when communicating. This can cause a myriad of problems. If you want to be successful in your personal and professional life treat everyone you encounter with respect. It begins first in the home and moves from here to public places and professional settings. Limit the use of gadgets to interact. Engage with people. Look them in the eye. Smile. Express yourself. Show an interest in them. Be present. By the way, the use of the word "sir" was reciprocal. As Joey handed me a club and said "here you go sir", I responded, "thank you sir". I make it a point to look people in the eye and say "sir" or "ma'am" to everyone person I encounter whether it is in a fine restaurant, or a drive-thru McDonalds. I find when I treat providers with respect, the quality of service improves. Begin and end every encounter with respect. If you want to know more about this subject, read my new book: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict".

Identify needs and offer right solutions

The first thing Joey noticed about me was my anxiety. He knew if I were to play worried it would affect my performance. When I made a confession about my lack of experience and level of play he said, "It's okay sir, I started playing a few years ago and know the feeling. We all go through this." One might say it was a case of the "blind leading the blind". Not for me. In the moment it didn't matter how much he knew. What mattered to me was that he could relate. Immediately, I felt a good portion of the anxiety melt away. Now my confidence had room to grow. As Joey studied my habits he carefully chose the right club and offered suggestions that would make me successful for that particular shot. He explained his rationale, told me what type of swing to take and where to aim. When he noticed my swing was off, he suggested adjustments to improve my swing. As the game progressed, I shot better (for me), grew in confidence, and was having fun. Joey delivered what he promised when he first shook my hand. If you want to be successful as a parent or professional, or relationship partner, pay attention. Listen well. Ask good questions. Once you understand the situation from their perspective, you are likely to provide solutions that work for them. The key is to understand before you offer a solution.

Maintain support from start to finish

Joey never gave up on me. When my performance sagged, he remained supportive, encouraging, and tuned in. He did not overstep his boundaries, but he was always nearby, ready to assist. I found Joey's encouragement to be such a steady force throughout my play. I was able to relax and be focused on my game at the same time. When we finished I felt more than relief. I felt successful. My performance improved. You wouldn't know it by the score. But I had learned some things and enjoyed myself. That was good enough for me. Joey was rewarded with a handsome tip that day. Not just from me, but the other guys as well. Why not? He was successful in his job. He was respectful, resourceful, and supportive. If you want to be successful in your relationships be supportive from the start of the day to the end of the day. We all have our moments when our patience is tested. However, if we keep our cool, remain steady, and offer encouragement to others, we will have successful relationships.

Join the conversation

Sometimes the best lessons on life, leadership, or interpersonal relationships are not learned in a seminar or conference. We see them in action in the most unlikely places, as in my case, from a young caddy on a golf course. Who are the teachers in your life? What kind of situations or events have taught you lessons? I'd love to hear one. Feel free to leave a comment below.

How to Keep a Positive Mood in Your Marriage

donald — Mon, 30 Jun 2014 03:54:19 +0000

In the seventies there were a lot of fads. One of them was mood rings. They hung around about as long as the 8-track player. I didn't wear a mood ring. My girlfriend back then did. I wore puka shells for a while. I bought them on a class trip to Hawaii. They were pretty cool, especially with a nice tan. The whole idea around a mood ring was that it could indicate your emotional state, or mood by the temperature of your body. Guys, who often don't have a clue about understanding females would rely on the ring to try and gauge the mood of their girlfriends, for a variety of reasons. As I said, the mood ring was a passing fade. It hangs around now more as retro fashion. Knowing one's mood is not as important as managing it. We have the ability to change our moods fairly easily. It just takes a couple of things: awareness and action. That simple. Once I am aware I am in a bad mood, I can take action and do something to change it. Moods don't only exist inside a person, but they also manifest within a relationship. Lately, I have been fascinated by learning how mood functions in relationships. A couple's mood can make or break a great evening together. Maintaining a positive mood has several benefits for a marriage. Every couple can keep a positive mood in their marriage by keeping these 5 commitments.

End The Evening With A Clean Slate

Going to bed with unresolved conflicts is about as bad as having awful pizza. You're not going to sleep well! If you want to keep a positive mood in the marriage, agree not to go to sleep before you end an argument. If you are having trouble resolving a dispute, I recommend you read two of my previous posts: 5 Ways to Disarm an Argument and 5 Key Steps to Repair an Offense. The key here is making a commitment to work together at bringing arguments to a mutually beneficial end.

Begin The Morning With a Good Attitude

When you wake up in the morning greet each other first before anyone (kids) or anything (media devices) else. Say something positive and give a little affection. Let your partner know you are happy to wake up next to him/her. A good attitude sets a positive mood. My wife Marian and I share a common faith. A verse we try to emulate says, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness." We make it a goal to greet each other in the morning the way our God does. If you clean the slate at night, you are more likely to begin the morning in a good mood. Work together on this. When your partner says or does something nice to you, reciprocate. If you need a cup of coffee to crank up the mood level, by all means have one! It might also be nice to make a cup for your spouse and enjoy a few moments together before the start of the day.

Find Moments in the Day to Connect

Most of us live busy lives. We hit the ground running and end the day exhausted at the finish line. Technology has made us more accessible to one another. This can be good and bad. What is good for a marriage is the ability to take a moment and connect. Think about the many ways you can find a moment to connect during the day. It's as easy as a text that says (examples)... "I'm thinking about you right now." "You're on my mind in a good way." "Thank you for..." "I love you." "What you did for me this morning made my day." A quick phone call, some FaceTime or Skype, or if possible, meeting for lunch or coffee are ways to stay connected during the day. If you know your spouse/partner has a challenging day, you can check in with him/her and ask how it is going. Staying connected in little ways throughout the day, keeps the channels of connection open.

Speak Each Other's Love Language

Marian is from Switzerland. Her family's native language is Swiss-German. When I am with the family, they will often speak to one another in this language. I enjoy learning phrases that I practice on my wife and relatives. When I speak the language I get such a positive reaction from the family. My mother-in-law especially enjoys teaching me new words and sentences. Gary Chapman, in his groundbreaking book, "Love Languages" describes 5 types of love languages people speak. The key is knowing your own AND your spouse's language. The problem many couples have is expecting their spouse to be fluent in their love language. While your language may be "words of affirmation", your spouse's language may be "acts of service". The key to love language is to learn the language of your partner. However, don't expect him/her to speak yours fluently. Give them time to learn it while also remembering you have to learn theirs too. Neither of you should expect the other to speak yours fluently. Remember it is not their primary language.

Develop Code Language

One of the best decisions in our marriage was to develop code language to get us through rough spots during the day. We noticed there were times when one of us were unsettled about something that the other was unaware. For example, being in a social situation where one was feeling left out or interrupted in conversation. Early in our relationship, we would have conflicts over this. Over time we developed code language to prevent this from repeating. If one was feeling uncomfortable, a positive signal was given to the other to alert me/her of the distress. Usually it was a hand squeeze, a rub of the knee under the table, or something that would politely request to tune in. The other would adjust accordingly with a positive attitude to correct the problem. It has been tremendously successful for us and has made social events much more pleasant. This is one example of code language that has served us well. Code language is co-created. In other words, you make it up together. The success is in following the code. If one sends the signal and the other ignores or rejects it, then the mood in marriage is negatively affected.

Now it's Your Turn

I suggest you have your spouse read this article if he/she has not done so already. Many of my subscribers are couples who both receive the blog in their email box. If not, you can sign up online: www.donolund.com Once you have read the article, I recommend you set a time to discuss these five commitments and decide how you can work as a team to put them into play. Next blog I will share the benefits of a positive mood in your marriage.

I want to learn from you

What do you do that keeps a positive mood in your marriage? Ideas that work? I would love to hear from you. Place your comment below.

7 Ways a Positive Mood Breathes Life Into Your Marriage

donald — Thu, 10 Jul 2014 22:21:53 +0000

Last week I wrote "How to Keep a Positive Mood in Your Marriage". In this blog I want to give you 7 ways a positive mood breathes life into your marriage. By the way, I took this picture at Glencoe (Chicago) Botanic Gardens over the 4th of July weekend. It's a favorite go-to place for my wife Marian and I to connect with nature. Definitely a place to enhance the mood. By the way, it's also a photographer's haven!

Why blog about mood?

The mood of one spouse can definitely affect the mood of the other in either a positive or negative way. If you work on having a positive mood and good attitude, it may uplift the mood of your partner. Some couples become stuck in a negative mood that settles in like a gray cloud over the relationship. If you are that couple, you have to find a way to change your mood. Read my last blog (click here) and you will get some strategies to put into play. A positive mood breathes life into a marriage. It improves the quality and tone of the relationship. Couples who generate a positive mood enjoy each other's company, have fun, get things done, and have more romance. Here are 7 ways a positive mood breathes life into your marriage.

A positive mood keeps things in perspective

When couples go through hard times they tend to develop a general negative attitude about their marriage. You can tell by the interactions within the relationship. They often bicker a lot, fight over stupid stuff, and get embroiled in power struggles. When the mood is dour it seems like everything is interpreted through a negative lens. The good gets little, if any attention. Adopting a positive mood keeps things in perspective. In most relationships, things aren't all bad. By staying positive you can see the good things that are going on unnoticed. Give the good some attention. This will actually promote a positive mood.

A positive mood is more likely to lead to a positive response

All it takes is one person generating a positive mood to get things going in the right direction. When you say things negatively by complaining or criticizing, you're likely going to get a negative reaction. However, if you start positive, say with a compliment, you are more likely to get a positive response from the other person. Let me illustrate the difference. Negative mood - "There you go again, leaving your stuff all around, just after I cleaned the house!" Positive mood - "I appreciate the effort you're making to be neater. Would you mind putting your things away before you sit down to relax?" Negative mood - "You see me busting my butt over here. When are you going to get off yours and give me some help?" Positive mood - "Would you mind giving me a little help here? Afterwards we can chill out together on the couch."

A positive mood motivates action

Some of the couples I work with talk about feeling stuck. They can't see any movement toward positive change. There's more talk than action. I see a lot of finger-pointing too. Again, these pattern suggests a negative mood in the relationship. Changing your mood can motivate action. Years ago in a playoff football game, the Denver Broncos were pinned back near their endzone with a couple of minutes left and the game on the line. A young quarterback named John Elway with a smile on his face said, "Boys we have the other team right where we want them." With that, he proceeded to march his team down the field to score the winning touchdown. John's positive attitude motivated his teammates to action. Words of encouragement, compliments, or affirmations do inspire change. We tend to rise up to the occasion when one speaks to us with a positive attitude.

A positive mood gets you through the rough spots

Rough spots. We all face them from time-to-time. Some have more rough spots than others. It is easy to complain, blame, or feel sorry for yourself. This will not get you through the rough spot. It may actually make it harder and last longer if you allow your mood to remain negative. A positive mood keeps things in perspective and gives you the extra energy and drive you need to get through rough spots. You are more likely to shorten the time span by taking control and making good decisions from a positive mindset.

A positive mood gets you where you want to go faster

Have you ever watched team competition? Who tends to win more often? It usually is the team that keeps a positive attitude and works together. Teams that allow negativity, lack cooperation and tend to argue and blame one another. Keeping a positive attitude allows you to problem-solve quicker and give your best to get where you want to go.

A positive mood contributes to better health

A negative mood releases catabolic forces in the body that weakens the immune system and increases the likelihood of health problems. A positive mood releases the anabolic forces that contribute to improved mental and physical health.

A positive mood keeps hope alive

Viktor Frankl was a holocaust survivor. He spent years in a concentration camp. I actually visited the camp in Dachau, Germany. Upon his release Dr. Frankl a book, "Man's Search For Meaning". One of my favorite quotes is: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can choose how we will respond to the circumstances of life. Marriage is not always easy. However, if we choose a positive mood, it will breathe life into the relationship. It can keep hope alive for a happy future together.

It takes two

There you have it. Seven ways a positive mood breathes life into a relationship. In order for it to work, it takes the two of you to work together to shift the mood in the marriage. It is not fair to expect one to do the work. Marital mood is governed by the interactions of the couple together. Now that you've read the article share it with your spouse/partner. Make an agreement together to work on this. Don't leave it up to your spouse to do the heavy lifting. Mood or attitude is a choice. Don't wait for it to change. Make the decision and work at it. You can make that decision right now.

Now it's your turn

I welcome your comments and questions about the topic. What have you found that works in your relationship? Where are you stuck? Do you have a question? Feel free to respond in the comments section below.

How to Accept Aging Without Feeling Old

donald — Sun, 20 Jul 2014 00:21:33 +0000

I never minded getting a haircut until about ten years ago. Then something horrifying happened. My hairstylist finished cutting my hair, gave me a hand-held mirror, and proceeded to slowly turn the barber's chair around so I can inspect her work. As the mirror reflected the rear of my head what I saw next made me nearly pass out. It was the early signs of a bald spot forming. Over the past decade, my hair has been slowly and progressively thinning. I've tried all types of solutions: Rogaine, vitamins, natural products, and laser comb. Nothing has worked. I even considered the hair restoration process. (You can donate to my fund if you're looking for a worthy cause to contribute to.) Lately, I have come to terms with aging. I don't like it. But I do accept it. It's unavoidable. I decided that aging is not a big deal unless I make it one. So, whether you're in your thirties, forties, fifties (like me) or older, you will eventually have to come to terms with aging. I'd like to share with you how to accept aging without feeling old.

Be realistic about your appearance

As you age your appearance will gradually change. Wrinkles and aging spots form. Your body starts to sag in all the wrong places. The texture, color, and density of your hair will likely change. This is normal. There are some things you can do to limit the effects of aging on your appearance. Hair color to cover the gray. Creams and ointments to treat wrinkles. Some choose cosmetic surgery as a more aggressive form to achieve a youthful appearance. These tactics may buy you some time, but they cannot hide the inevitable, you are looking older. Is that bad? Is it unacceptable? Or, is it simply a phase of life? Growing up you watched others do it. Now it's your turn. For me, I found that once I accepted some of the physical realities of aging it does not bother me as much. Rather than cringe when I look in the mirror and see the evidence of aging, I choose to smile and give myself some credit for not looking too bad!

Act as young as you feel on the inside

The mirror reminds me of my age. It reflects my external appearance. Internally, I feel like a guy in his mid-thirties. So, daily I give a nod to the guy in the mirror, but go about my day as a younger feeling self. Boy, am I having fun! I play basketball, jog, golf (no laughter from the peanut gallery), and have a high-voltage social life. Still enjoy the thrill rides at Great America, now riding side saddle with my grandson Cameron. In terms of career, I'm currently writing my second book, while managing a growing a counseling practice. In October, I am gathering about 20 of my grade school/high school friends together for a weekend get-together at Starved Rock State Park. Why am I doing all this stuff? Because I choose to act how I feel on the inside.

Take your health seriously

As we age, health risks increase. To limit potential health problems I recommend you develop a health plan. I was a typical male when it came to health management until I reached my forties. Now I have routine health examinations, eat smarter, and exercise regularly. Recently, my new internist recommended jogging so I am. I jog on a really cool, state-of-the-art track at our local high school. We can make aging a big deal if we don't take our health seriously. Do not ignore the warning signs. I lost a close family member a year ago to a fatal heart attack because he did not act soon enough. Do you schedule regular doctor visits? Exercise plan? Reasonable diet? If not, I suggest you take your health seriously and act now.

Find meaning for your life now

Aging is existential. It begs questions. "What is the meaning of my life now?" "Who am I?" "How do I find purpose?" Some individuals think about aging as retirement, what they will do when they don't have to work anymore. They plan for retirement. (By the way, I recommend you do this.) Some dream of retirement near the ocean. Others simply worry that they will have enough to live on when the time comes. Aging is not about endings. It is about new beginnings. As you think about growing older, what do you want to start doing? Leisure activities are wonderful if you have the means to do it. However, there is nothing quite as energizing as having a purpose in life and doing something about it. I have friends who do volunteer work, mentoring, or missions work to care for the poor around the world. As I write, a client/doctor is preparing to embark on a medical missions trip to South Africa. He's stoked! If you are older you are likely wiser. You are a valuable resource to young people today who crave leadership. In my counseling and executive coaching practice I function more as a sage giving pearls of wisdom to couples who want healthy relationships. I enjoy this role. It is deeply rewarding.

Renew your inner self

Here's a quote from one of my favorite spiritual authors: "Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." I love that quote. For me, it captures the dual process of aging externally, while feeling renewed in spirit internally. I'm looking older but feeling younger. How do you renew your inner self? For me, I journal regularly to process what I am feeling on the inside. It also provides a record of my journey that I can re-read and note the progress I am making. I also engage in my spirituality on a daily basis. This includes reading scripture, meditation and prayer. Renewing your inner self is vital to the aging process. If you don't, you are likely to feel old and act that way too! So I say this, when it comes to aging. Accept it. Embrace it. Engage in it. Enjoy it! By all means do not feel old about it!

Some great and funny aging quotes

"Age is of no importance unless you are a cheese." "The secret of staying young is picking an age you like and sticking with it." Snoopy, Peanuts character. "I am not interested in looking younger. I want to look healthy and radiant. I want to look like me." Cindy Joseph

Now it's your turn

How do you age without feeling older? Share some ideas or ways of thinking that work for you. Add your comments below.

Lessons On Overcoming Fear I Learned At A Porsche World Roadshow

donald — Mon, 28 Jul 2014 11:41:31 +0000

Late Saturday night I received a text message from my brother-in-law Patrick. "Do you want to go to the Porsche World Roadshow? It could possibly be one of the best days of your life!" He went on to describe how we would be test driving five 2014 Porsches on a racetrack at high speeds. My internal reaction? Fear. Coming in a close second was intrigue. My external response? Yes. In the course my life I've come to understand fear is often an obstacle to opportunity.

Maybe you can relate.

You want to do something new but you fear you may fail.
A new position is posted and you think you can do the job, but you're afraid to pursue it for fear you might be passed over.
You want a deeper relationship but resist opening up because you fear rejection.

Consider this. A greater version of you remains hidden because fear stands in the way.

Consider this also. A greater version of you is only one "yes" decision away.

When I received the invitation to test drive Porsches I knew this was an opportunity to experience something dynamic outside my comfort zone. Fear and intrigue did a war dance in my mind. Intrigue won the battle. I said "yes" to the request.

On the racetrack I learned 4 valuable lessons about conquering fear.

If you avoid the thing you fear you have relief without reward

I could have caved into my fear. Relief would follow. However, that meant being an observer on the sidelines watching others experience the thrill of the ride. Relief without reward? I would not let that happen. There are two responses to anxiety I share with my clients: avoid or approach. Avoiding a decision gives temporary relief. It also leaves the individual peering through the window of opportunity as an observer.

If you approach the thing you fear expect a positive shift

On the racecourse I chose to approach my fear and get in the driver's seat. Fear shifted into focused adrenaline. I was alert and in control. The ride was thrilling!

As I stated earlier, "approach" is a second and more effective response to anxiety. Facing your fears head on causes them to shrink. The brain kicks into opportunity mode. Think David vs Goliath. That dude was not afraid.

Trust your instincts and abilities

One of the first things we were taught by the instructors was the design and ability of the Porsche cars to handle speed and agility with ease. We were told that fear will limit our experience of the ride. So I decided to put my faith in the car's ability. I was not disappointed!

I think a Porsche lays within many of us. What I mean is, we have opportunities to achieve great things if we will simply trust our instincts and abilities. Fear inhibits greatness. Confidence unleashes it. Give your abilities a test drive. Dare to do something out of the norm that you've always wanted to experience. What do your instincts speak?

A year ago I dared to self-publish a book to the general public. I shared this dream with graduate students I taught two years ago. On Tuesday I was invited to lecture on my book to students in their internship program. It was on their required list for reading. These happened to be the same students with whom I shared my ambition to write a book. The feedback was incredible. One intern told me she has assigned the book to her client to read.

Follow the lead of an expert

On the racecourse, a professional driver was in the lead car. We were instructed to follow closely behind him. On another track with several winding bends, the professional was seated next to me in the car. He would tell me when to punch the gas hard, hit the brakes and nail the turn. I listened to everything he said and was able to experience the full power and agility of the Porsche. He pushed me past my limitations and it was exhilarating! If you are restrained by fear you may need the help of an expert. Counseling and/or coaching are two effective resources to help you not only be able to conquer fear, but also activate your untapped abilities. This is true whether your challenges are on a professional or personal level.

Now it's your turn

[caption id="attachment_1586" align="alignright" width="300"] Sitting in a conquered fear. 2014 Porsche Macan Turbo.[/caption] Is fear holding you back? Are you on the sidelines watching others enjoying the thrill of experiences you want but are afraid to try? If you are avoiding doing something for fear of failure or disappointment now is your time to act. To do nothing is already failure. However, to make a "yes" decision is a step toward a positive outcome. Find one area to start. What will it be for you? I'd love to read your action step in the comment section below. If you are an overcomer of fear, I'd love to hear you share your ideas that work. Perhaps you have a great quote that inspires you. Add your comments as well. Finally, if you think you would benefit from having an expert coach you in the area of overcoming fear, feel free to contact me. I or one my pit crew (code for counselors/coaches) will be happy to assist you. Simply click here.

Where do you find your inspiration?

donald — Sun, 03 Aug 2014 13:08:02 +0000

I walked into a laboratory and was surprised by emotion. This was not a scientific lab. It was a counseling lab with couches, chairs, and obscure video cameras. I was asked to lecture on my book "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict" to grad students in an internship program at Governors State University. GSU's counseling program is one of the finest in the Midwest, if not the country. What caught me by surprise is that I had taught these same students two years ago in a course called Advanced Family Systems. During the semester I shared with them I was writing book. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would become required reading for the Internship Program. When I walked into the lab and saw these same students now at the end of their programs, I was taken aback. I had a lump in my throat. They were holding my book in their hands smiling. It was a bit surreal. When I returned to school as a student in my forties, I had no idea what would come of my career. I simply wanted a degree so I could be licensed to do counseling. Publishing clinical literature, serving on the faculty of the grad school, owning a private practice, and writing books was not on my radar. How did this happen? I could write several blogs, perhaps an entire book to explain it. However, if you asked me to boil it down to one word, I would say inspiration. My inspiration comes from several sources. After I relate mine, I am going to ask you to share yours in the comment section below. Here are 7 sources of inspiration for me.

Ordinary People who model greatness

Individuals living intentionally inspire me. I have been fortunate to know ordinary people who do extraordinary things. They inspire me. I will not attempt to name them here. They know. I already told them. Among my favorites is my youngest brother Tom. Born with a developmental disability he cannot live independently. At age 52 he is my mother's sidekick! Inspite of his limitations, Tom has been an inspiration to many. His innocence, perseverance, and genuine love for people continue to challenge me.

People who speak into my life

I am fortunate to have concentric circles of personal and professional relationships that are truly rich. These individuals speak into my life on a regular basis. Colleagues. Friends. Students. Clients. Family. My wife was the first person who encouraged me to write, followed by professors and others along the way. One of the greatest sources of inspiration came from a fellow business owner who thought my plan to write a book was not a good idea. After sinking in self-doubt for about a minute, I was determined to prove him wrong. Inspiration morphed into motivation, followed by action, and the pages flowed. I am indebted also to spiritual mentors and a counselor who I have met with regularly for over 20 years. Today, I belong to a band-of-brothers, guys in a business owners group who do life together. We go deep. I have been challenged to grow in ways I never imagined.

Pain I have experienced

One of the greatest sources of inspiration emerge from the painful experiences I have endured. I refrain from sharing them out of respect of the privacy of family. Suffice it to say I would not be doing what I am now at this level had it not been from what I learned during the darkest periods of my life.

My spiritual journey

I grew up believing in God. We attended church with my mom. Dad had his reasons for not going. Looking back they made sense to me. However, he taught us spiritual hymns playing his ukulele on Saturday nights. When I was 20 years old my faith became deeply personal when I decided to become a Christ-follower. Here I discovered a purpose for living. My journey with him continues 30+ years. When I am "in the zone" helping people, I feel his pleasure. It's special.

Quiet places

The picture above was taken by my wife at the Chicago Botanic Garden in Glencoe. I chose it because many times I find inspiration sitting in quiet places in nature or while hiking trails. Quiet places center me. I allow my senses to absorb the surroundings. Inevitably an inspiration follows.

In little things that happen every day

Ask my coaching or counseling clients and they will tell you there are times in session when an idea pops in my brain for a blog or therapeutic model. On Monday I was inspired to persevere under pressure by my seven-year-old granddaughter Gianna. She likes to test the durability of the word "no". I was amazed at how many angles she used to persuade me to give in. I told Gianna she will make a great attorney or salesperson! I was even more impressed with her positive attitude and heart of gratitude for the things that did come her way that day. Gianna is a special little girl.

Movies, art, Music, Sports

Do you get inspired by the Arts? I do. Movies do it the most. Among the movies that inspire me to live fully: Shawshank Redemption, October Sky, Dead Poets Society, Mona Lisa Smile, and Meet Joe Black. I could go on and on about music, art, and sports but I think you get my point.

Where do you get your inspiration?

Now you've read my sources of inspiration. Where do you get yours? I am curious to know. Can you take one minute of your time to share one source of inspiration? Just click the comment box below. Did you find this blog boosted your inspiration? Did it give you some things to think about? Add your comments below also. Why not share the article on your FaceBook, Twitter, Pinterest, or other social media outlet. Thanks!

5 Ways You Can Keep Your Cool While Getting Your Kids Back To School

donald — Sun, 10 Aug 2014 21:01:54 +0000

When the mail arrived my wife handed me a heavy white packet, "this is for you". The return envelope read "University of Chicago". I felt a surge of excitement and fear at the same time. "Oh yeah, I'm going back to school!?!?" I was recently accepted into a fellowship at UC to study Advanced Psychodynamic Theory. It's a one year program that begins September 12. The packet contained a slew of reading material I have to complete before class. Okay. Deep breath. I can do this.

Parents are Champions of Their Kid's Academic Success

In a manner of days, kids will be trading summer gear for backpacks and heading back to school. This is often a stressful transition for parents. From buying school supplies and clothing to arranging transportation and lunches, it is a busy time for parents. On top of this, you have the challenge of helping your kids mentally shift from lazy days at the swimming pool to getting up early for school. Parents are champions of their kids' academic success. You do everything in your power to prepare them for a successful school year academically and socially. Yet, the outcome is not fully in your control. You watch them go out the door or drop them off at the school entrance and they are on their own. You hope and pray they make the best of the opportunity before them.

Kids Are Not Often on the Same Page

Don't you wish your kids would get on the same page as you when it comes to their approach to school? Some kids do. Most do not. Afterall, they are kids. They don't see the big picture until later in life. In fact, some don't understand why parents make such a big deal out of education. It is easy for parents and kids to get locked into a power struggle. Before long parents can lose their cool getting their kids back to school. Let me share with you 5 ways you can keep your cool while getting your kids off to school.

Start the Transition Early

Abrupt changes are difficult on everyone, especially younger kids. Begin with earlier bedtimes and wake times. This will help kids' sleep patterns adjust to an early school schedule. Adjust the structure of the day to a format more consistent with the school year. This could include eating schedule, in addition to unstructured time. If your children are out of the habit of reading, it might be good to limit TV and video gadgets and spend time in a book.

Talk With Your Kids About Their Expectations

Start with their expectations. Ask them curiosity questions and allow this to guide your conversation. Here are a few curiosity questions to consider. "As you begin a new year in school what are you looking forward to the most?" "What would you like to achieve this year that will make you feel good?" "Do you have any concerns about this school year?" "What some of the ways I/we can support you this school year?" In this conversation do a lot of listening and try to repeat a sense of understanding what your kids are trying to say. Don't assume you know. Listen well and try to see it from their perspective. Don't give advice too quickly. Your turn will come next.

Share Your Expectations With Your Kids

Do you know your expectations? Are they clear? Also, are they realistic? When you talk about your expectations, speak positively. Don't rehearse the negative stuff from the past. Your goal is to instill two very important traits in your kids: competence and confidence. Competence has to do with the abilities you already identify. "You have great problem-solving skills. I like how you figure problems out on your own." Confidence has to do with your belief in your kids to succeed. "I know you have it in you to succeed. You are not afraid to try things, like this summer when you jumped off the diving board without help." When you share your expectations with your kids be sure that you explain why it is important and how it will benefit them.

Clarify Boundaries With Yourself Then Your Kids

For some parents, academic boundaries are fuzzy. Too often parents link their success with their kids' academic achievement. This puts undue pressure on parents and kids about the outcome. Some parents become over-involved in the child's academic pursuits. This increases a power struggle between parent and child. Battles over homework ensue. In some extreme cases, parents practically do most of the homework for their kids. In the two-step parenting approach (step in, step back) I address in my book Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict, I outline an effective approach for parents. The child/teen has a one-step responsibility (step up).

Step in to teach your kids the value of an education.
Step in to provide the resources your kids need for school each year.
Step in to provide support in their effort to perform academically.
Step back and allow the child to step up and do the work.
Step in to provide additional resources when necessary.
Step back and allow the child to step up and do the work.

Expect Some Turbulence Over the Course of the Year

Over the course of the academic year your child will go through some turbulence. Undoubtedly, you will feel it too. Turbulence comes in many forms: academic, social, physical, psychological, or emotional. Your kids may get off track a little. The key is that you do not derail with them. Keeping your cool is easier when you expect turbulence at some point. Your kids can navigate through it if their co-pilot (that would be you) is calm, supportive, and resourceful. Don't take over. Guide them along encouraging them to use their problem-solving skills. Remind them that it is turbulence, not a catastrophe. You may want to remind yourself of that first!

Check out a Back-to-School Vlog Next Week

I asked my staff to join me in a round table discussion to tackle school-related challenges kids/teens and their parents face today. We will videotape this discussion and have the key points posted online. It will be featured on LifeWork Counseling website. If you are on my mailing list you will receive a link.

Now It's Your Turn

Do you have some back-to-school tips you can share with parents that works for you? We would love to hear them. Feel free to leave your ideas in the comment section below.

My top 7 couple conflict resolution strategies

donald — Sat, 23 Aug 2014 18:11:43 +0000

Have you ever felt stuck after a conflict with your spouse/partner? An argument gets out of hand. Words are spoken you wish you could take back. Or perhaps you were on the receiving end. You can't get the words out of your head. We've all been there before. Every relationship suffers from a bad argument from time-to-time. I'd like to share with you my top 5 couple conflict resolution strategies.

Take a brief time out

The key word here is brief. If you allow too much time to elapse what you have essentially done is withdraw from your mate. Withdrawal is deadly to couple connection. It can last for hours or days, shifting your conflict into a cold war. A brief time out is for the purpose of cooling down and allowing the key systems in your brain (thinking and feeling) to reboot. During an argument the emotional part of the brain amps up and the rational part shuts down. Disengaging from the conflict for a brief time is a good management strategy. It stops the hurtful dialog. Now you have time to reflect on what just happened.

Identify the underlying issue from your perspective

Couples often get embroiled in the facts of the argument. "You said x, y, or z!" Or, "you did x, y, or z!" Arguments can go on for hours over who said or did what to the other. Underlying the content of the conflict is the issue. "I don't think I matter to you." "I don't feel respected by you." When you reconvene you do not want to focus on the facts of the argument, but how you felt when your spouse said or did something to you. Once you identify the underlying issue you can potentially have a more meaningful conversation.

Consider the underlying issue your mate has with you

Revisit the argument from his/her perspective. What did you hear besides the facts of the matter. What are her/his sentiments? Do they feel neglected? Lonely? Hurt? Taken advantage of? Don't assume you know the underlying issue with your mate. Ask questions. Be curious. "I get the sense you feel neglected by me. Is that how you feel?" Once you know how your partner feels, you can address it in a compassionate manner. Which leads me to the next strategy.

Approach your mate in a right tone

Do not return from your time out until the anger has diminished and your attitude is set for conflict resolution. As you approach your spouse do not exhibit a defensive tone. Allow your non-verbal language to convey an openness to your partner, a warm tone that says, "I am ready to work this out with you." In previous blogs, I wrote about using "code language" to communicate with your partner that you are in a non-defensive, open position, that conveys safety and respect. Inform your mate that you want to talk about the issue in a manner in which you both feel heard and understood.

Use a speaker-listener approach

Basically what this technique suggests is one person speaks first and the other has to summarize what they hear. The key in summarizing is to validate your mate's thoughts and feelings. It helps you to understand the issue from their perspective. After about 5 minutes, the roles are reversed and the other person listens and summarizes what they hear you saying to them. The beauty of this approach is the following.

It slows down communication, keeping it from intensifying into an argument
It balances speaking with listening.
You both have the chance to speak and be heard
It allows the underlying issues to be addressed in a safe manner
Conflicts are resolved quickly and efficiently

I teach this technique when I coach couples on how to communicate better. If you are interested in couples coaching please contact me.

Own an repair what you did wrong

In every conflict a measure of offense has occurred on both sides. Sometimes one person bears responsibility for the majority of the issue. However, the most effective resolutions come when both partners own their stuff. I wrote an entire blog on how to repair an offense. It covers the 5 steps to an effective repair. I use it all the time in my work with clients and the results are powerful.

Allow time to heal

Some conflicts heal quickly. Trust me, if you follow this steps it will. However, some couple conflicts cut deep and take time. Do not force your spouse/partner to heal fast just because you want the matter over. It will only make things worse. Instead, be supportive and caring. Avoid pouting or feeling sorry for yourself. This is weak and unattractive to your mate. Find ways to connect that they may find helpful. Do some tasks around the house they need done, help with dinner, or the kids. When you follow these 7 couple conflict resolution strategies you will likely notice three key outcomes:

Frequency, intensity, and duration of conflicts decreases.
You save valuable time and energy that can be used for fun activities.
You will have a deeper connection in your relationship.

Now it's your turn

What have you found to be an effective strategy to resolve conflicts in your relationship? Is it one of my top seven? Or, do you have one I haven't mentioned? I would love to learn from you what works. Please leave your comment below. Maybe you are struggling in a pattern of repeated conflicts with no resolution. Perhaps you can use some coaching. Take your next step to successful communication by contacting me. click here

How To Keep Your Relationship A Priority

donald — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 03:25:40 +0000

In this blog I am doing something new and different. I am presenting my blog as a vlog (video blog). The purpose of this is to establish a more personal connection with the followers of my blog. You see, I'm not simply a relationship specialist, I am also a husband, father, and grandfather. In fact, a few days ago my daughter and son-in-law became the proud parents of my newest grandchild, Jiovanni!

Raising kids, managing a household, while also balancing a career and other responsibilities is no easy task!

On the front burner of attention are kids and work + household chores. Often what ends up on the back burner is what I call the "me" and "we". This is the time we are meant to have for ourselves and with our mates. In this vlog I address this dilemma and offer two keys on how to keep your relationship a priority.

At the bottom of the page I share the top ten restaurants my wife and I enjoy and 5 cool places to go that are doable on a tight budget.

I have a big favor to ask you

As soon as you finish viewing the blog, leave me a comment at the bottom. It will only take a minute of your time. Share your favorite restaurant or activity you enjoy doing with your spouse. If you have a question about the topic, feel free to ask it in the comment section. I promise to respond!

[vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="How To Keep Your Relationship A Priority" link="http://youtu.be/QOWmT-6R_AQ?list=UUPGZ7E8ZMn4AdEDD8rnVQCw"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Our Top 10 Local Places To Eat (not in order)

I avoided franchise restaurants in this selection. Some of our favorites like Capital Grille, Mortons, and Gibsons are not listed for this reason.

Vie Restaurant in Western Springs, IL - http://www.vierestaurant.com/
Bien Truccha in Geneva, IL: best Mexican food in Chicagoland - http://www.bientrucha.com/
DMK Burger in Lombard, IL: best burgers ever! http://dmkburgerbar.com/
Topaz in Burr Ridge, IL - best outdoor seating! http://www.topazcafe.com/
Antico Posto in Oak Brook, IL - http://antico-posto.com/
Bakersfield in Westmont, IL - http://www.bakersfieldrestaurant.com/
Standard Grill in Westmont, IL - http://www.standardmarketgrill.com/
Prairie Grass Cafe in Northbrook, IL - great for dinner before Ravinia http://www.prairiegrasscafe.com/
Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinder Co. - http://chicagopizzaandovengrinder.com/
Niche in Geneva, IL - http://www.nichegeneva.com/

5 Cool places on a tight budget

Classic Cinemas - http://www.classiccinemas.com/Default.aspx
Morton Arboretum - nice restaurant with picturesque views - http://www.mortonarb.org/
Waterfall Glen Preserve - FREE and great for hiking or biking - http://dupageforest.org/Conservation/Forest_Preserves/Waterfall_Glen.aspx
Pottery class - $8 per person - http://www.myglazedexpressions.com/locations.html
Ravinia - Lawn tickets for under $10 - https://www.ravinia.org/Page/SpecialOffers

I trust this gives you a start. The key is planning. Put it on your calendar. Priorities are found there. Consider it an investment in your relationship. The ROI (return on investment) is huge!

Now it's your turn

Take one minute your time right now to leave a comment in the box below. Do you have a favorite restaurant? How about a cool place on a tight budget? Your ideas, suggestions, and questions bring value to the community of couples, like yourself, who want to build happy, healthy, and lasting relationships.

Become a newsletter subscriber!

Fill out the simple form on the upper right corner of this page. You will receive my weekly blog.

Make Sure You Get Your Personal Time

donald — Sun, 07 Sep 2014 02:51:30 +0000

Last week I wrote about "How to Keep Your Relationship a Priority". I addressed the importance of "we time" as a way of giving your relationship time on the front burner. Today, I want to help you find ways to make sure you get your personal time, aka "me time". In this vlog I share 3 key shifts that will make sure you get your personal time. Below the video I offer 10 benefits to having "me time". First the video. [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="Making Sure You Have Personal Time" link="http://youtu.be/F2QMNnpKpnA"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Ways You Can Find Your Me Time

So, there you have it. 3 key shifts that will make sure you get your personal time.

Shift your thinking.
Shift your schedule.
Shift your approach.

There so many ways to find your "me time". I use a model I designed that helps me organize my activities. For me it covers five areas: physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and social. If you are interested in a free copy of my "Me Time Model" you can do so one of two ways: subscribe to my blog (see form on the top right column) or request one in the comment section below. Here is a one minute clip showing one of the ways I find "me time". [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="Me Time in Nature" link="http://youtu.be/raBuTlLZkD4"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

10 Benefits in having me time

Less stress.
Positive attitude.
Increased self-confidence.
Improved health.
More energy.
Greater clarity.
Better "me" for "we".
More productive.
Feeling centered and self-controlled.
Deeper sense of self-awareness.

Now it's your turn

Where are you when it comes to making sure you're getting personal time? Are you making it happen? Struggling? Successful? Think about your next step. What will it be? Leave a comment in the section below. If you would like a copy of my "Me Time Model" request a copy in your comment or if you're not a current subscriber to my blog, fill out the form in the upper right hand column.

Why Unrestrained Anger is a Game-Changer

donald — Tue, 16 Sep 2014 11:06:19 +0000

Last week, domestic violence was a trending topic when three separate incidents involving NFL players were reported. The media attention generated discussion among the public raising concern about the serious nature of this problem. Unrestrained anger is a game-changer. In this vlog, I speak frankly about the risks associated with unrestrained anger. I also share two important steps you can take if you have a problem managing your anger. Verbal aggression is no less damaging than physical assault. Both are forms of abuse. After you watch the video please read the some of the benefits you can expect when you learn how to get control of your anger. [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="Why Unrestrained Anger is a Game-Changer" link="http://youtu.be/xWOyd5fKAxg"][/vc_column][/vc_row] Admitting you have a problem with unrestrained anger is the first step in learning how to manage it. Reaching out for help is the second step. Understand this. If you don't manage your anger, your anger will manage you. Don't wait for your unrestrained anger to become a game changer before you act.

Managed Anger is a Game-Changer

Here are a few of the benefits you can expect when you manage your anger

Deeper level of self-respect.
Improved relationships.
Earned respect.
Shift from aggression to assertive expression of anger.
Greater awareness and empathy toward others.

Next week I will share with you some strategies on how to manage your anger. For now, I want to give you one key strategy. It's one you see often if you watch sports. It's called "the time-out". When you are in a conflict situation and you feel yourself getting angry, give yourself a time-out to cool down. I'll explain why that is important in my vlog next week. If you want some tips on how to disarm an argument check out my previous blog. (click here)

Now it's your turn

Do you know someone who might benefit from reading and view this vlog? Feel free to share this in your social media community. Join me in spreading the word that there is help for people who experience unrestrained anger. What are some ways we can address the problem of domestic violence in society? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

How To Break An Anger Pattern

donald — Sun, 21 Sep 2014 19:58:36 +0000

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." - Mark Twain

In my previous vlog I talked about why unrestrained anger is a game-changer. (click here) In this edition, I want to focus on how you can break an anger pattern by following three approaches. The first two you are common yet effective when you use them.

The third approach is key to break an anger pattern. I will cover it in the short video below. For now, let's look at the first two approaches.

#1: The quick and easy approach

Using the right tools

Angry outbursts can happen in a flash if you are not careful. In an intense conflict situation, the fight-flight response activates in the limbic system of the brain where emotions are regulated. It also activates the sympathetic system that governs physiological responses. Everything activates quickly. Your job is to slow it back down. Here are some quick and easy steps to take.

Get a quick grip on yourself - take some deep breaths and count to ten. This will slow things down and give you a better grip on your emotions. If that doesn't work, give yourself a time-out. It generally takes about 30 minutes for parasympathetic system to cool down the sympathetic system. Anger intensity should decrease to a manageable level.
Clarify the problem - keep the problem the problem, not the person(s). Use "I" statements to express your feelings of anger. "I became angry when..." or "I am angry that..." Avoid "you" statements. They are inflammatory.
Listen to and validate the other person - be open to hear the problem from their perspective and validate their thoughts and feelings. This is crucial if you want resolution of a conflict. You can only accomplish this when the anger between you has decreased to a respectful level.
Express your expectations going forward - you want the other person to be clear on your expectations in the future. This is about setting and/or clarifying boundaries. Let the person(s) know ahead of time what they can expect if they honor or dishonor your boundaries. In other words, what the consequences of their actions will be (positive or negative).
Tell them what they can expect from you as well - if you listened well about the problem from the other person's perspective, then you can tell them what you plan to work on. "In the future, I will try not to assume I know what you're thinking. Instead, I will ask you."

#2: The Routine Approach

Forming Good Habits

Do you have a plan to manage stress in your life? If not, you will not be able to break an anger pattern. Establishing routines in your week designed to give you stress relief and emotional control is vital to your health and interpersonal relationships. Here are some suggestions to get you started.

Deep breathing and stress relaxation exercises - practicing deep breathing and stress relaxation exercises will establish a pattern of emotional control that will be accessible quickly when you are in an angry-provoking situation. My colleague, Monique Prohaska demonstrates deep breathing exercises in this short video. (click here)
Yoga - people who practice yoga report greater mastery of emotions and a deeper sense of calm.
Exercise - releases stress hormones and improves cognitive and emotional functioning.
Spiritual disciplines - reading, meditation, prayer, or other forms of worship is a powerful source for processing emotions and centering in.
Hobbies and activities - engaging in personal hobbies and/or activities distracts the mind from stressors and engages you in pleasurable and rewarding experiences.

Establishing routines serves to fill your emotional tank with positive fuel which you will need when you encounter stressful or conflict situations that elicits anger. Now let's take a look at the third approach which I consider the most critical if you want to break an anger pattern. Please watch the video.

#3: The Deep Dive Approach

Answers the "Why?" question

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Resources to Break an Anger Pattern

My book: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict (click here)
What's Good About Anger: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com
The Dance of Anger: Harriet Lerner, Ph.D (click here)

Now It's Your Turn

What has been the most effective means you have found to break an anger pattern in your life? Have you taken the Deep Dive Approach by answering the "why?" question? If so, how did it change your ability to identify triggers and manage anger? What advice would you offer someone who is wants to address their anger problem but feels afraid or ashamed? Please add your comments to one or more of these questions. Thank you!

Recognizing Your Emotional Triggers

donald — Sun, 28 Sep 2014 23:19:50 +0000

"Stop pushing my buttons" is an idiom people use to convey a message. It may be annoyance, frustration, guilt or a variety of emotions. You see, everyone has buttons or triggers. The key is recognizing your emotional triggers. In the first of a two-part series on emotional triggers, I will answer three questions:

What are emotional triggers?
Where do they come from?
How do they affect us?

What are emotional triggers?

Emotional or mental triggers are areas of sensitivity that develop during the course of life. They are universal in the sense that everyone has them. Yet, they are also unique to the individual. Generally, they happen early in life. How does this happen? Everyone has basic human needs: survival, security, food and shelter, belonging, intimacy, and a sense of purpose, to name a few. When these needs are met life is good. However, when they are not met in a consistent manner it disrupts life and our development from infants to adults. Our minds have the ability to store information in categories or files based on repeated experiences. These files are stored in our unconscious mind. The larger the file, the greater the likelihood it will become a trigger. When a basic human need is not fully met we develop emotional triggers. Here are some examples of emotional triggers and mental triggers. Note the sequence of trigger, basic need, triggering thought, followed by possible action. [vc_row fullwidth="false"][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_table style="style1"]

Emotional Trigger	Basic Need	Triggering Thought	Action
Guilt	Freedom	I will be blamed or held responsible	React in anger or try harder to prove yourself
Shame	Love	I am humiliated	Feeling embarrassed, hide, cover up, or passive-aggressive response
Fear	Security	I worry about what will happen	Try to control situations or choose to avoid them
Pride	Recognition	I get no recognition for my hard work	Work harder or find alternative ways to feel important
Anger	Control	I will not allow others to control me	Aggressive or passive-aggressive reaction to threat of control

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Mental Trigger	Basic Need	Triggering Thought	Action
Abandonment	Belonging	I will be alone	Cling to others or leave them before they leave you
Failure	Succeed	I am failing others	Try harder, give up, or blame others
Rejection	Acceptance	I am not good enough	Try harder to gain approval or give up
Criticism	Encouragement	It's never good enough	Try harder, give up, or criticize
Judgment	Grace	I will be punished	Live in fear of judgment from others

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Where do they come from?

Most emotional triggers are formed early in our developmental years from childhood through adolescence. When basic needs are not met fully, we form internal messages or mistaken beliefs. Here are a few examples. "I am never good enough." "It's always my fault." "I don't matter." "Nothing good ever happens." "I am unlovable." "I cannot depend on others." "I have to be perfect." "I must have done something wrong." Attached to these mistaken beliefs are emotions we feel. During childhood they are often suppressed. In adulthood when they are triggered we feel them with greater intensity. It's an emotional trigger. As adults we are more likely to express than suppress our emotions. Let me share with you an emotional trigger I had to deal with in my life and how it affected an important relationship. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="Identifying Emotional Triggers" link="http://youtu.be/83iqT50lPlo"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How do they affect us?

Emotional triggers function on a daily basis in varying degrees of intensity from low to extreme. At certain times or situations the triggers are higher, and often result in extreme reactions. Here are ten common ways emotional triggers can have a negative affect:

They become a barrier to personal achievement.
They make us feel insecure or inferior to others.
They can disrupt relationships.
They can cause an over-reaction toward others.
They can interfere in work performance.
They can cause low self-esteem or self-confidence.
They can encourage bad behavior.
They contribute to feelings of depression and/or anxiety.
They distort perception.
They can lead to wrong assumptions about others.

Next Week Part 2

How to Master Emotional Triggers

Next week I will focus on how you can master emotional triggers so they don't wreak havoc in your personal life and interpersonal relationships. Getting control over your triggers will have a positive impact in your life.

Now it's your turn

Were you able to identify your emotional or mental triggers from the list above? If so, that's a good start. Now, it might be good to make the connection between the trigger and it's origin. For me, it took a walk. On other occasions, I journaled my reflections on my emotional triggers. What is your plan? Leave a comment below and share one idea you have to get started on making the connection.

How To Master Your Emotional Triggers

donald — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 00:04:19 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]When I think about mastering emotional triggers (ETs), lessons Luke Skywalker learned from Yoda, his Jedi Master come to mind. In the movie, "Return of the Jedi" Yoda utters these final words before he dies.

Remember, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware: anger, fear, aggression - the dark side, are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

If you have been following my blogs over the past three weeks you know I am focusing on the role emotions play in interpersonal relationships. Specifically, I am drawing attention to triggering emotions and the corresponding belief systems that activate them. Luke Skywalker had emotional triggers. His were fear and anger with a risk of aggression. He was abandoned by his father. Later, when his dad came back into his life it activated his emotional triggers. Luke's reaction would have bearing on his Jedi status. Everyone has ETs. When activated ETs can elicit intense reactions. Here are some examples:

outbursts of anger
dominance or submission
overwhelming fear
hypervigilance
flood of tears
accusations
aggression
shutting others out

Emotional triggers and the corresponding reactive behavior can develop into a pattern with a lifelong effect, or in the words of Yoda, "...forever will it dominate your destiny". That being said, this is not a fait accompli. I have good news for you.

You can master your emotional triggers

You do not have to be owned by your ETs. They are not your master, unless you allow it. Rather, you can master your emotional triggers by making 7 key decisions.

Decision 1: Own your Emotional Triggers

Do you know your ETs? Good. Do you own them? There is a distinction here. The first question is about facts. The second one is about responsibility. Allow me to explain. Let's say for example your ET is anger. When your sense of control is threatened, intense anger is triggered. This as an emotional trigger (fact). If you blame others for your anger, you are not owning your ET (responsibility). In order to master an emotional trigger, it starts by owning it. No one controls your emotions even though it may feel that way. You control the expression. When it is activated in the unconscious mind it may seem like it happened externally. Actually, ETs are triggered internally. Make sense?

Decision 2: Evaluate their effect in your life

Emotional triggers hurt. When activated they inflict pain on the person experiencing them. Sometimes ETs hurt others too. If you want to master your emotional triggers consider how they intrude in your personal life and relationships. If it bothers you then you are more likely to do something to change it. Maybe you have felt this way for awhile but do not know what to do. That's not uncommon. Let's move on to the next decision.

Decision 3: Connect the dots in your life experiences

ETs tell a story about your life journey. Experiences in your past (positive and negative) impact how you think and act. Connecting the dots of an emotional trigger to past experiences may explain why you react a certain way. For some, ETs form from a single dot. This is a traumatic event they witness/experience. The experience and emotional reaction is registered within the implicit memory system in the unconscious mind. It can be activated by a remotely familiar stimulus. For example, survivors of 911 may feel panic whenever a plane flies overhead. In my profession we call this Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Decision 4: Identify the unmet need and mistaken belief

This is where it gets tricky. As I discussed in my last blog (click here), ETs generally form when basic needs are not met in a consistent manner. Or in the case of a traumatic event, the basic need was severely compromised. Mistaken beliefs are formed over time in response to the unmet need. Here's an example of a little girl. The little girl's basic need of belonging is not adequately met by a parent or primary caretaker. Over the course of time, the child develops a mistaken belief: "I do not matter." Later as an adult, she may attribute this mistaken belief to the behavior of others, especially to a spouse.

Decision 5: Develop an ongoing inner dialog with yourself

The purpose of an inner dialog is to two reasons. First, is to calm the triggered emotion. Second, is to correct the mistaken belief. When an ET occurs, you can feel somewhat powerless to the emotion. Remember, you are not powerless to the emotion. You can calm it down by having an inner dialog. It's as if the adult-you has to talk to the child in you who feels overwhelmed. It's a calming approach. One of the ways to calm the emotion is to correct the mistaken belief. Let's look again at the woman with the unmet need of belonging. Her mistaken belief was "I do not matter". She might say to herself, "I matter to me and to my spouse. I will not draw conclusions based on one event. There is plenty of evidence to support the truth that I do matter." One of the most effective ways to develop an ongoing inner dialog with yourself is by journaling your ETs and mistaken beliefs. Here you can process the feelings and reframe the mistaken belief into a statement that more accurately describes you now as an adult.

Decision 6: Establish boundaries with unhealthy people that trigger you

Sometimes we attract people in our life who act in ways that mirror childhood experiences. The basic need we were lacking in childhood is also absent in the adult relationship. The mistaken belief is a current reality. Let's go back to the girl who grew up believing she didn't matter. She is at risk to fall in love with a man who who treats her poorly. Her drive to please him in order to be loved is in vain. He is a taker, not a giver. His lack of care will leave her feeling lonely and thinking "I do not matter." Her response may be to try harder. Or, she may become resentful and emotionally shut down in order to protect her heart. Be careful that you do not attract unhealthy people who take without giving. One-sided relationships are notorious emotional triggers. You can read more about how to handle one-sided relationships in my book, "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict". Now, for the 7th decision, I want to talk with you personally.

Decision 7

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Now It's Your Turn

If you would like a copy of my "Transforming Mistaken Beliefs Tool" leave me a comment in the box below. Just write, "Hey Don, send me the tool!"

How Pain Can Change Your Life For Good

donald — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 17:02:37 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="How Pain Can Change Your Life For Good" link="http://youtu.be/KsSvggPWbcs"][/vc_column][/vc_row] Pain can be a prelude to a powerful story. In my case, I stepped back from the ledge and into a life I never dreamed possible. What has pain done for you? Has it been a barrier or a bridge to happiness? Either way, pain will change your life. Pain can change your life for good by making three important decisions.

Listen to It

Currently, I am doing physical therapy on my right shoulder. How did I get here? It happened while engaged in sports activities. For several weeks I ignored the pain, thinking it would go away. Guess what? It became worse. Finally, I went to the doctor and discovered I have a frozen shoulder. Now I am sidelined for several weeks. Ignoring pain does not make it go away. I'm not only talking about physical pain. Emotional pain does not go away either. We can try to ignore it or suppress it, but it will manifest in one way or another. Listening to your pain will require you to listen. That means you listening to your heart. What does it say? Your heart will tell what kind of pain it feels. Heart pain can be sadness, loneliness, hurt, rejection, abandonment, emptiness, anger, bitterness, hopelessness, or despair. Once you know your pain, you are ready to make the next decision.

Deal With It

My pain did not go away. As I indicated, it worsened. Finally, I dealt with it by going to a doctor and later to a physical therapist. Now my arm is feeling much better and I am ahead of schedule to resume sports activities. In the video where I described my experience with emotional pain at Starved Rock State Park, my plan to deal with it was short-sided. Fortunately, I listened to an inner voice that offered another solution. Some people deal with emotional pain using solutions that provide temporary relief but added problems. Self-medicating emotional pain is not a good solution. Nor is escaping. The best way to respond to pain is to deal with it in a healthy manner. In my case, I reached out for help. The inner voice who spoke to me on the ledge I believe was God. So, one of the ways I dealt with my emotional pain was to rediscover my faith. This was a huge step. Later, I reached out to people who I could trust and talked with them about the things I was dealing with at the time. Dealing with your emotional pain is an important decision. Do you know where to turn? It may be your faith, family, or friends. Perhaps you may find help talking with a professional. The important thing is that you make a decision to deal with it. Once you do, you are ready for the third decision.

Use It

Pain can help or harm. It depends on how you use it. When you deal with pain, it can be used to better your life and help others. If you don't deal with pain, it will harm you and possibly others if you're not careful. Like the individual in the photo above, I felt alone in a dark place. I wasn't looking at the light at the end of the tunnel. After listening to my pain and dealing with it, I was able to use it for good. For the past 30+ years I have dedicated my life to helping others overcome problems and pain to find meaning and purpose. If you have experienced pain you don't have to be defined by it. You can use it for good. I see this happen all the time. The stories that inspire us most are about people who have gone through difficult times or hurtful experiences and have not fallen victim to them. Instead, they deal with their pain and use it for some greater good. Perhaps your pain is a prelude to a powerful story. A story of overcoming hardship and bringing good to the world--however big or small your world is. It happens when you listen, deal, and use. Where are you in your story?

Now it's your turn

Where are you in your story? Are you currently in pain? If so, are you listening to it, dealing with it, or using it? If you are using your pain for good, I have a favor to ask of you. Could you offer a word of encouragement to others who are trying to listen or deal with it? Write a few lines in the comment section below. Thank you.

What is Your Next Thing?

donald — Mon, 27 Oct 2014 21:37:05 +0000

My next thing is taking a photography class. Recently I bought this really great camera (Canon EOS 70D). I take all my shots on the auto setting. They look nice but I know I can take some awesome pictures if I take the time and learn some basics in photography. What is your next thing?

Why a next thing?

It's for your own good. Doing "some thing" that brightens up your day or adds dimension to your life is a good thing. My "next thing" today happened this morning. I drove with the top down on my car through the woods and took in the fall colors. The picture here is one of several I captured. I even decided to shoot a video here. See below. You see, your next thing could be something easy to do that doesn't take too much time. And---it's for your own good. We need "good things" every day. Small or large. These things are good for us in the sense that they add to our overall fitness. I'm not talking physical fitness. It's more than that. Let me explain. Humans are multidimensional beings. We have physical bodies. Our brains function on intellectual and emotional levels. This allows us to interact with other people socially and fulfills a need for belonging. Finally, we have a spiritual dimension that connects with God.

What is your next thing?

What would you like to do that's for your own good? Soak in the tub? A stroll along the lake? Some flag football with the guys? This is one of those fill-in-the-blank questions you get to choose for yourself. I like to think in terms of small, medium, and large. Small was what I did this morning. Medium is taking a photography class. Large is a book I published last year, or the advanced psychodynamic program I'm taking this year at the University of Chicago.

My Next Thing is for Your Next Thing

I want to share with you what keeps my next things in life happening. I call it my Total Fitness Plan (TFP). In the next series of blogs I will be introducing it to you. The TFP is a great tool for helping you do your next thing no matter what area it is in. I use it every year to help me decide what next things I want to experience or accomplish--small, medium, or large. So, my "next thing" this week is for you to discover how you can maximize the accomplishment of your "next thing" list. This is the perfect time to learn about it a couple of months before the start of the new year. My TFP is not what you think. You will hear more next week about how you can receive a free copy of My Total Fitness Plan. To get a sample of it, check out this short clip. [vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="My Total Fitness Plan" link="http://youtu.be/rqWaPSinIHg"][/vc_column]

Now it's your turn

I'd like to know what your "next thing" is for this week. It doesn't have to be medium or large. Make it small and doable. Whatever it is I would like for you to share it in the comment box below. To make a comment, sign in with your Facebook, Twitter, Google+ account. Or you can set up an account with Disqus, a free service that connects you to online communities that promote discussion. You can set up a Disqus account at www.disqus.com

Out of a Rut and Into a Routine

donald — Mon, 10 Nov 2014 22:28:52 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Thinking about getting out of a rut and into a routine reminds me of winters in Chicago. I lived in the city most of my life. Keeping the city streets snow plowed was not an easy task! It didn't take much to get your car stuck in snow. Fortunately, friends and neighbors were nearby to help push each other out when stuck in a rut. Getting out of a rut required a lot of patience and perseverance. Frustration and impatience only made the situation worse. In order to get traction, you had to start slowly. Once you had some movement, more pressure could by added slowly to gain momentum. Support from behind gave enough push to get you out. When it comes to fitness, getting out of a rut and into a routine requires a similar approach. Often people remain in a fitness rut because they want to "put the pedal to the metal" and move too fast. Within a week or two, they realize they can't keep up and give up on their plan all together. A successful fitness plan is based on pace, patience, and perseverance. [Tweet "A successful fitness plan is based on pace, patience, and perseverance. - Don Olund"] In the first of a five week series called My Total Fitness Plan, I am focusing on physical fitness. This is an area of fitness most of us know something about. Whether it pertains to nutrition or exercise, more people are becoming interested in improving their health through fitness. Perhaps you have a plan in place already. Good for you! If not, this blog will help you get started. You can get out of a rut and into a routine of physical fitness by following 5 simple steps.

Step 1: Start with an activity that's simple and achievable

Think pace and patience. You cannot climb Kilimanjaro tomorrow if you haven't climbed out of bed today! People set themselves up for disappointment and failure when they select one or more activities that are difficult to incorporate into a busy schedule. Wishful thinking does not equate to routine activity. The key is to start with an activity that is simple and achievable. Here are a few examples of simple and achievable activities.

Going for a walk around the block.
Doing pushups or sit-ups at home.
Walking on a treadmill.
Riding a bike.
Swimming.

Thinking simple gives you traction. Achieving success in the simple plan establishes routine. You can always add other activities to add momentum to your physical fitness plan.

Step 2: Set realistic goals

Setting unrealistic goals is where many people fall into a rut. Why? We have a tendency to "bite off more than we can choose" when it comes to exercise. People get amped up and set goals when their emotions are high. This rarely works. A more effective means is to set realistic goals that offer a high degree of probability for success. If you haven't been to the health club in years, do not begin with a 5-7 day a week goal for working out. Begin with one or two days. Something you know is realistic and achievable. You can always add numbers after you get some traction. Remember pace and patience!

Step 3: Choose a time of day that works

A common lament I hear from people I coach is not having enough time to get to engage in physical fitness. Time and energy are the two most valuable commodities people possess. For many, a typical day starts early and ends late. Once you decide physical fitness is a non-negotiable activity in your life, you have to make time for it. Starting with something simple and achievable, with realistic goals, now find a time in the day that works for you. It could be a fifteen minute morning walk, twenty minutes of yoga in your office in the afternoon, or a half-hour evening run. Again, something small, realistic, and achievable at a time of day that works for you. Simple as that.

Step 4: Pair the exercise with something enjoyable

Exercise can get boring sometimes. Jogging is like that for me. Yet, when I pair it with something enjoyable, I find I can run longer than my set goal. At my health club, I can run paths all over the world on these virtual run tours they offer. On other occasions I listen to music or my favorite podcasts. Michael Hyatt is a current favorite! When you pair your exercise with something enjoyable you get more out of the experience. Fitness in not only in a physical form, but can be emotional, intellectual, or spiritual, depending on how you pair the exercise.

Step 5: Praise your progress

Studies show positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement in changing behavior. If you want to establish routine in your physical fitness plan, acknowledge your effort no matter how small it is. Do not compare yourself to others. Self-criticism will put you right back in the rut. Note your effort. Punctuate your progress. This will likely motivate you to stay on track with your plan. So, there you have it. Five simple steps to get you out of a rut and into a routine. Now I have something exciting to share with you...

My Christmas Gift to You

I have a Christmas gift to send to you. Please watch the 3 minute video to learn more about it. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="My Christmas Gift to You" link="http://youtu.be/mtFmWZjOBhQ"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_content_box][/mk_content_box][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_message_box type="comment-message"]In addition to my Christmas gift to you, I am offering for a limited time, an autographed copy of my book, "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict". The holiday special rate is $10 plus shipping. All proceeds from book sales are going to OrphaNetwork, a ministry I support. Buy several copies as gifts for Christmas! You can request copies by emailing me at don@donolund.com.[/mk_message_box][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Now It's Your Turn

Are you in a rut or a routine when it comes to physical fitness? If you're in a rut, what do you plan to do to get out of it? If you are in a routine, tell us what you did to get there. If you were in a rut, how did you get out? What do you do to get traction? Share your thoughts, ideas, and suggestions in the comment section below.

What Are You Learning About?

donald — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 14:03:39 +0000

Here I am in my mid-fifties and I go to school. What's up with that? Call me crazy, but I really enjoy learning. I am in a Fellowship Program in Advanced Psychodynamic Theory at the University of Chicago. What are you learning about? If I were to unpack my response to this question, it would be more than a discussion about academics. My curiosity takes me in many directions. Most of all, I continue to learn about me and challenge myself to constantly grow as an individual. Carpedium--"seize the day" is my motto. What are you learning about? In part two of my five part series called My Total Fitness Plan, I focus on intellectual fitness. Last week, I talked about physical fitness (click here). No matter how old you are, you should never stop learning for these three reasons.

Learning keeps you growing.
Learning gives you power.
Learning opens doors of opportunity.

As you contemplate your intellectual fitness, I invite you to unpack three questions with me. Here's the first.

What are you learning from your life so far?

Sometimes it is good to stop and reflect on what we've learned in life so far. The decisions we make in life teach us about ourselves. We can learn from the choices we make, good or bad. Are you happy with how your life is turning out so far? Here are some questions you can reflect on that will help you determine what you are learning from your life so far.

Do I know what I believe? And, do I honor these beliefs?
Do I like myself? And, do I take good care of me?
Do I know what I want to do with my life? And, am I doing it?
Do I know my fears, insecurities, and weaknesses? And, do I confront them?
Do I treat others the way I want to be treated? And, would others agree with me?
Do I learn from my mistakes? Or, do I keep on repeating the same ones?
Do I keep on trying to grow? Or, have I settled?

What are you learning for your future?

When we were kids and teens we equated learning with planning for our future careers. As adults we continue to learn for the present and future. What are your learning about for your future? In addition to my academics, I am learning about social marketing so I can expand my professional work in a larger geographical area. I enjoy learning about blogging, video and other creative methods to promote healthy relationships. As you contemplate your professional future are you considering going back to school or developing training in a different field? What about your personal life? Do you want to learn how to be a better spouse or parent? Maybe it is time to learn about your planning for your financial future. Plan to live a long life? It might be good to learn more about health, nutrition, and exercise. A key in intellectual fitness is investing some time and resources in learning for your future. Read books, take classes, attend seminars, get coaching, talk to people you can learn from in the area you target. [Tweet "A key in intellectual fitness is investing some time and resources in learning for your future. Read books, take classes, attend seminars, get coaching, talk to people you can learn from in the area you target. - Don Olund"]

What are you learning for fun?

Learning doesn't only have to be about serious stuff. I enjoy learning for fun. One of my favorite apps is Lumosity. It exercises your brain by doing these really cool exercises. This summer I bought a really nice SLR camera to take pictures and do video. I decided to take a photography class in 2015 to learn how to use the settings on the camera and take high quality photos. How about you? Ready to learn a new sport, say golf? Maybe you want to learn how to dance. Perhaps you want to take up cooking or home remodeling. The list of fun and interesting learning activities are endless! Now with all the on-demand TV and video access you can learn just about anything you want! Why waste your time watching brainless reality shows? Exercise your brain by watching the Learning Channel, Discovery Channel, National Geographic Channel, or Nature Channel.

Now it's your turn

So, I am curious to learn how you exercise your brain. What are you learning about your self? What are you learning for your future? Finally, what are you learning for fun? Post your comments below by signing up through your Facebook or Twitter account. Or, you can signup using Disqus.

My Christmas Gift

I authored a booklet, My Total Fitness Plan. It covers the five levels of fitness I am currently writing about in this series. If you would like my Christmas Gift, fill out the form to the right and I will mail you a copy. This is a time-limited opportunity. In 2015, the booklet will be available only by purchase. Get your free booklet now so you can get your Total Fitness Plan ready for the start of the new year!

How to Exercise Healthy Emotional Expression

donald — Thu, 27 Nov 2014 14:40:19 +0000

Unexpressed emotions will never die, they are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways - Sigmund Freud

When it comes to emotional expression guys are at a disadvantage. We are not very good at it. Some might say that our brains are missing the emotional chip. I disagree. Part of being human is to feel and express emotions. This is natural.

Generally speaking, boys are raised differently that girls. Girls are taught to be comfortable expressing their feelings. Young boys are trained by their dads to avoid certain emotions like fear, sadness, loneliness, or depression. On the other hand, boys are encouraged to express anger and frustration. Why? Bravery and confidence are important as future providers and protectors of their family. So young boys learn early on to suppress the "weaker" emotions and express the "manly" emotions.

Fast-forward into adult relationships, guys struggle with identifying, let alone expressing emotions. So when their significant other wants to connect emotionally, guys struggle. If a wife says, "How was your day?", a husband may respond with "fine". So much for emotional connection!

Emotions need exercise too!

In this current series, "My Total Fitness Plan" I covered two of the five levels of fitness: physical and intellectual. In this blog, I want to explore ways you can exercise healthy emotional fitness. This is very likely a "no brainer" for women because they totally outclass men when it comes to exercising their emotions. Be that as it may, some women share with me that their problem is not suppressing their feelings. Rather, they are more concerned about managing the intensity of emotional expression.

One goal in emotional fitness is avoiding the polar extremes of suppressing or erupting feelings. Another goal is to find healthy outlets for emotional expression. The key here is to open the portals of emotion so you can connect with your feelings.

[Tweet "One goal in emotional fitness is avoiding the polar extremes of suppressing or erupting feelings. - Don Olund"]

So. let's examine four practical ways you can exercise healthy emotional expression.

Do things that open the portals of emotion

For men and women alike, portals of anger and frustration are open on a daily basis. No need for help here. If anything, they need a time-out. I'm talking more about other portals of emotion such as passion, love, joy, happiness, sadness, loneliness, fear, silliness, or gratefulness. Notice how I included pleasant and unpleasant emotions? Emotions need expression, a release point. If we do not let them out they come out in "uglier ways" as Sigmund Freud said in the quote above.

So, how do we open the portals of emotion?

Their are many ways to activate emotion. It boils down to personal preference. Here some things I do on a weekly basis to keep my portals of emotion open.

Listen to a wide array of music genres that activate emotion (Check out Qello)
Watch movies that move me emotionally
Engage in sports activities and recreation I enjoy for fun
Write in a journal and process my thoughts and feelings about what's going on in my life
Open up to family members and a few very close friends I can trust with my feelings
Meet regularly with my counselor/mentor to process my life
Engage in my spirituality to express my deepest feelings to God
Channel my inner Peter Pan who needs time to play (See the movie HOOK to understand what I mean here)

Speaking of play, one of my kids' favorite stories is about something spontaneous I did one Thanksgiving Day morning. They were in their pajamas watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. A marching band was playing MC Hammer's song "U Can't Touch This". I quietly walked down the stairs. About halfway, I leaped over the railing, landing on the living room floor. Spontaneously, I broke into the MC Hammer dance in my zubaz pants. They laughed hysterically! If you seen me dance you probably would too!

Tune in to your emotions during the day

Again, this is easier for women than it is for men. So guys, this will take a lot more effort on your part. The purpose here is to have an awareness of emotions. Primary emotions often lay underneath secondary emotions. Let me explain. When I ask clients how they feel, the most common response is frustration or anger. These are secondary emotions. When I press a little further more emotions surface. I often here people say, "Well actually, I am feeling worried" or "...hurt" or "...sad" or "...depressed." These are the deeper, yet primary emotions we tend not to notice. A parent may be angry at their child (secondary emotion) but actually feel worried (primary emotion) that they are failing somehow. So, if you are feeling frustrated or angry, reflect a little deeper. Ask yourself, "What's underneath my anger?" Tune in and listen for what other emotion may bubble up. If the emotions are unpleasant then you will need a release point.

Release Unpleasant Emotions

Tuning into emotions sets the stage for the third step in exercising healthy emotional expression. This is about how to release unpleasant emotions like anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, etc... It takes three simple steps. Watch the video clip. [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="How to Release Unpleasant Emotions" link="http://youtu.be/ag7uaYAu-do"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Develop an Attitude of Gratitude

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day, a time in our nation where we pause to give thanks for the blessings in life. While I enjoy this holiday, I find that cultivating an attitude of gratitude every day is important. Why? Giving thanks daily is a powerful way to exercise healthy emotional expression. Expressing gratitude every day keeps things in perspective. Furthermore, it keeps your heart happy. I encourage you to find 5 things you can express gratitude for every day. See how this practice effects your mood and emotions. I bet others will notice a more positive and cheery disposition in you.

Now it's your turn

How do you exercise healthy emotional expression? Share an idea or two in the comment section below. Did this blog trigger some thoughts about ways you can open the portals of emotion for yourself? I hope so. My Total Fitness Plan Booklet is designed to help you identify and plan your strategy for emotional fitness. For a free copy, fill out the form on the right. This is a Christmas gift for my subscribers that is available for a limited time. Finally, if you have a twitter account, will you please tweet this quote to your followers? Thank you! [Tweet "One goal in emotional fitness is avoiding the polar extremes of suppressing or erupting feelings. - Don Olund"]

3 Things You Need In a Healthy Social Life

donald — Mon, 08 Dec 2014 00:24:08 +0000

In part four of a five-part series, My Total Fitness Plan, my focus is on social fitness. I want to share with you 3 things you need in a healthy social life. Before I do this, I would like to share with you a true story about one of my group of friends. On a Friday night, December 16, 2011, I met some guys for dinner. Although we are business owners, we call ourselves a "band of brothers". The night was great, the food fabulous, and good times were had by all. I drove home that night feeling blessed to have such a tight group of friends. None of us knew a few hours later tragedy would strike one of the band of brothers. His name is Tony. Early the next morning, I awoke to a text informing me that Tony's 22 year-old son Chris was killed in an automobile accident. The leader of our group said that Tony needed some privacy with his family. Throughout the early morning the band of brothers texted back-and-forth wondering what we should do. We decided to do what we felt Tony needed. That morning about a half-dozen of Tony's brothers showed up at his home and when he saw us, collapsed in our arms in grief. We huddled around Tony and his family, giving support and lifting prayers. That support continued during the memorial service and throughout the following year. This summer the band of brothers spent a weekend "doing life together" as we call it. The featured image above shows Tony smiling and having a good time on the boat. Later we watched a one hour documentary film he did on his son's story as told from family and friends. The film included what has transpired since Chris' death. Chris was deeply dedicated to an outreach called OrphaNetwork. There wasn't a dry eye in that room. My band of brothers is a healthy social outlet for me. I have grown in ways I did not expect. So, what constitutes a healthy social life? Here are at least 3 things you need.

You need to have fun

In adult life we spend a huge chunk of our time in roles: spouse, parent, worker, volunteer, etc... While these provide great meaning and fulfillment they also keep us in a task-oriented mode. If fun is to be had, it generally comes in brief moments in the course of the day. Adults need a break from their roles and spend time having fun with other adults. Why? Social fun shifts your mind from a serious focus to a more relaxed and carefree attitude. When I get together with my band of brothers we enjoy water sports, barbecues, golf, and dinners out. [Tweet "Adults need a break from their roles and spend time having fun with other adults. Why? Social fun shifts your mind from a serious focus to a more relaxed and carefree attitude."] Do you have a regular fun social outlet with other adults? If you answered "yes", good for you! If you don't, I want to encourage you to find an outlet for yourself. In addition to my band of brothers, I play basketball 2-3 times a week with a group of guys I met 12 years ago at my health club. Check out this one-minute clip. [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="Basketball Buds" link="http://youtu.be/1E5_P_JA3D0?list=UUPGZ7E8ZMn4AdEDD8rnVQCw"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Have fun but be safe

Allow me to raise a caution flag. Be careful. In your social fun be safe. Exercise healthy boundaries with yourself and others. Be careful not to put yourself or others at risk when it comes to alcohol consumption. Also, avoid crossing the line or betraying your marriage or fidelity to a partner. In my professional work, I see the damage done when a person's idea of fun is unsafe.

You need to know and be known

The brothers I hang with I know very well. They also know me on a deeper level. As I said, "we do life together". In addition to fun, we spend focused time talking about our personal lives, families, businesses, and our faith. We dig deep. It's okay because we have established three things: acceptance, trust, and unconditional love. If one of us "gets in the grill" of another, it is understood as a caring gesture.

To be known you will need to open up

Do you have a select group of friends who know you deeply? The kind of people who know it's okay to show up at your house in a time of crisis? If you want a healthy social life be prepared to open up to others. I'm not advocating you become an open book to everyone. On the other hand, I encourage you to develop the kind of quality relationships where you can be yourself without judgment. The kind of friendships where there is a healthy give-and-take dynamic. These are powerful.

You need new experiences

One of my favorite movies is "Groundhog Day". First of all, I think Bill Murray is a genius actor. But what I like most about the movie is the message. If you don't seek new experiences your life will be lonely, dreary and meaningless. A year after Tony's son died, I joined a few of my band of brothers and took a trip to Nicaragua to see the work OrphaNetwork is doing to impact the impoverished areas on the outskirts of capital city of Managua. We visited the medical clinic and feeding program that were established by Tony and another friend John. The experience was powerful and led to a partnership.

Be ready to step out of your comfort zone

Developing social relationships has opened several new experiences for me that I would have never had on my own. It's been fun, adventurous, and deeply rewarding. In order to experience this, I had to step out of my comfort zone. How about you? Are you experiencing Ground Hog Day? Or, have you been intentional in your social life to incorporate new experiences? If you want to have a healthy social life step out of your comfort zone and do something different. Join a class. Take on a sport. Sign up for a club. Call some old friends. The key is to get out of your routine and try something new.

Now it's your turn

What do you do socially to have fun? Share a tidbit with fellow readers. Have you experienced something new lately? I'd love to hear it! Leave your comments below. Christmas is around the corner. If you haven't signed-up for my Christmas gift MY TOTAL FITNESS PLAN Booklet, please do so by filling out the form on the right.

3 Reasons Why Spiritual Fitness Makes Sense

donald — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 21:47:00 +0000

I finish my series "My Total Fitness Plan" by saving the best to last. It is what I call the pinnacle of fitness. Thus far I have covered four of the five levels of total fitness: physical, intellectual, emotional, and social. In this blog I want to share 3 reasons why spiritual fitness makes sense to me. Spirituality is a deeply personal matter. People follow their own spiritual path. In the course of my life I have come full circle. My parents raised me Catholic. In my young adult years, I explored Eastern religion and practiced meditation. Later I returned to Christianity, focusing less on religion and more on a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This is not a forum to discuss religion. The point is to find a means to express your spirituality on a regular basis. Some individuals enjoy the rituals of religious observances while others prefer to focus on personal relationship. Whatever approach, if you want total fitness, attention to your spiritual life is likely to give you the greatest results. Here’s 3 reasons why spiritual fitness makes sense.

Spirituality Goes Deeper

Motivation, focus, confidence, desire, perseverance, the elements necessary to achieve fitness, come from within. These lay within the deep core of the human soul. Some rely on a mental approach to ignite energy and motivation. Spirituality goes deeper. It activates the heart and soul of the individual. This is where self-identity resides and from where it is expressed. [Tweet "Some rely on a mental approach to activate energy and motivation. Spirituality goes deeper. It activates the heart and soul of the individual."] Going deeper spiritually requires faith in something or someone greater than you alone. Faith simultaneously acknowledges human limitation and infinite power of the divine. It is an internal and external process.

Internally, I open up.
Externally, I reach out for help.

Spirituality Breaks Barriers

In fitness training barriers to growth are common. We reach a level and plateau. Often a fitness coach can help you overcome certain physical and mental barriers. Because spirituality goes deeper, it can reach the self-limiting barriers that get in the way of our personal growth. Spirituality breaks barriers caused by emotional pain. Practicing spirituality allows one to bring wounded aspects of themselves to God. Healing takes place in this private encounter. The benefits of unconditional love, grace, mercy, and compassion heal the wounded soul. Spirituality also has the power to break barriers of fear, insecurity, and doubt. It instills confidence, self-worth, and motivation. Faith plays a key role in overcoming these barriers. Have you heard about the shepherd kid who fought a giant and won? Spiritual fitness demonstrated in boldness and determination. That's what I'm talking about!

Spirituality Is Transformational

When it comes to fitness, the endgame for most of us is transformation. Notice all the mirrors in the health club? Unfortunately, people often struggle to maintain the gains won, let alone go to the next level. For many, transformation is temporary. Some give up on fitness altogether. Disillusioned, they return to unhealthy living. Physical transformation is likely to remain if spiritual fitness is a part of your routine. Why? Again, spirituality goes deeper. It breaks barriers. It transforms the heart. If you seek fitness from a transformed heart you are likely to get lasting results in every aspect of your life: physical, intellectual, emotional, and social. Spiritual fitness transforms many things. Among them are:

Enhanced self-identity
Increased desire and motivation
Instilled sense of confidence and competence in one's abilities
Clarified values: personal and social
Crystalized a sense of purpose and passion

Now it's your turn

So there you have it. Three reasons why spiritual fitness makes sense. Maybe it makes sense to you too because you integrate it into your life. If so, I would enjoy hearing how it makes a difference. Feel free to leave a comment below. Maybe for you, spirituality has no place in your life. I respect that. I have met people who are agnostic (unsure God exists) and others who are atheist. This blog will likely have no value for you. There are also others who at one time practiced spirituality but no longer do. Some have told me they drifted away. Others have shared their struggles with hurt and disappointment they felt in the practice of their faith. I understand these experiences can leave some confused and distant. Spirituality is a journey of faith. The road is not always easy, but it leads you down a good path. Wherever you are, I encourage you not to give up on your journey.

Last Opportunity For My Christmas Gift!

My free booklet My Total Fitness Plan will be available until the end of 2014. After then, it will be offered by purchase only. If you would like your free copy, please fill the form on the right panel of this blog. This booklet will be a great tool for you to use at the start of 2015.

A personal sentiment

As we bring 2014 to a close I want to thank you the community of subscribers and readers who make what I do so enjoyable and fulfilling. Thank you for the wonderful comments, suggestions, and inspiration. I am looking forward to taking my blogs to another level in 2015! More on that later. In the meantime...

What Women Crave From the Men They Love

donald — Sat, 17 Jan 2015 21:53:33 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] I learn more about relationships from my wife Marian than from all the professional books I read on the subject. Don't misunderstand me. I paid my dues in academia to become a relationship specialist and continue to sharpen my skills. Yet, with the accumulation of cutting edge theory and practice in relational dynamics, I learn more about relationships from a female perspective by tuning into my wife. In fact, I remain a student of her needs. Truth be told, Marian is a successful business woman in her corner of the corporate world. She doesn't need a man to survive. But she does have needs specifically designed to be met by her man. I happen to be that guy. Listening to Marian and the scores of women who sit in my office on a weekly basis, gives me a distinct advantage. I hear familiar longings. They inform me what women crave from their men. One of the most important female cravings is for a man to care for them in a manner that makes them feel loved and cherished. Women are attracted to men who lead. If I can boil it down to a simple word, what women crave from the men they love is chivalry.

A Renaissance in Chivalry

I propose a renaissance in chivalry. Not in it's medieval form. The stereotype of a woman as a "damsel in distress" certainly does not fit a female in the 21st Century. Women today set a large footprint in society even though they may wear a size 7 shoe! I think what women prefer is a modern form of male chivalry. Guys who respect them for their competence as movers-and-shakers in the marketplace and managers on the domestic front. But to go a step further, our highly successful and independent counterparts also want a man who treats them well. They are attracted to a guy who is tuned into their needs and delivers. [vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Women prefer a modern form of male chivalry. Guys who respect them for their competence. But to go a step further, our highly successful and independent counterparts also want a man who treats them well. They are attracted to a guy who is tuned into their needs and delivers.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row] I'm not simply referring to the grocery list you're given on your way home from work. Chivalry goes to another level. It combines the head and the heart to deliver on the needs that matter to a woman. How does this happen? Let me offer you three approaches that work. [Tweet "One of the most important female cravings is for a man to care for them in a manner that makes them feel loved and cherished."]

The Art of Anticipation

Chivalry anticipates and delivers. Anticipation is the art of knowing what your woman needs before she does. You may be wondering. How do I do that? Here's how. By becoming a student of your spouse and taking good notes. It's as simple as that. A good student asks questions. In a previous blog I wrote about the art of curiosity, asking questions that help you understand your mate. How well do you know your woman? As a starter can you accurately answer these 7 questions about your spouse/girlfriend?

Do you know her five favorite restaurants?
Do you know her favorite getaway spots?
What are her current stressors?
What does your woman need when she is stressed out?
What is your woman's primary way of needing to be loved by you?
What are the signs when your woman is overwhelmed?
What are some practical ways she needs your help day-to-day?

Once you compile answers to these questions, you will know how to anticipate her needs. Modern man chivalry develops an art of anticipation. [Tweet "Chivalry anticipates and delivers. Anticipation is the art of knowing what your woman needs before she does."]

The Act of Initiation

One of the biggest complaints I hear from women is that the men they love lack initiation. Like kids, men often wait until they are told before they act. Women do not find this attractive or manly at all! What women prefer is a guy who takes the lead. They want him to think ahead and plan. This is a real turn-on for a woman. For example, when it comes to a date night, a guy who takes the lead to plan is scoring major points with his girl. Planning would include the following:

Inviting her out to dinner
Picking a day and time that works
Making reservations at a restaurant you know she likes
Securing a babysitter

The Awe of Attraction

As we age our physical attributes change. This is normal. However, our culture places high value on the perfection of beauty. Women face pressure men cannot comprehend. It is the pressure of maintaining outward attraction. A man of chivalry is sensitive to his woman. He makes her feel cherished by expressing awe for her inner and outer beauty. Even as she ages, he notices the glimmer in her eye, the softness of her hands, and the beauty in her smile. A man of chivalry reminds his woman she has not lost his attraction to her by expressing these things. I am writing this blog in the lobby of a quaint hotel along the Fox River in Geneva, IL called the Herrington Inn & Spa. Take a look at this short clip of my act of chivalry this weekend. I hope it will give you some ideas! [vc_row][vc_column][vc_video title="What Women Crave From the Men They Love" link="http://youtu.be/Bubm2ahvhLU"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] If you are interested in more information on the restaurants I referenced in the video check out the links below.

Now It's Your Turn

So, man of chivalry what's your next move? Were you successful answering the questions above about the needs of your woman? If so, good for you. Your next move is to initiate a plan. If you couldn't answer the questions I recommend you become a student and start asking your woman questions that clarify her needs. If you are a woman reading this blog, we need your help. Perhaps you have some things to add to this blog that we can learn. If so, can you leave some suggestions in the comment section below? Thanks!

What Men Crave From The Women They Love

donald — Sun, 25 Jan 2015 17:24:55 +0000

[powerpress] Guys, if you read and acted on the blog I wrote last week, What Women Crave From the Men They Love, you are making your girl happy. From a statistical standpoint it was the most popular blog I wrote by a large margin. I'm talking Secretariat running in the Belmont type of margin! Guys, it will serve you well to become a Modern Man of Chivalry. Men have cravings too. Talk about an understatement! It's not too difficult for women to know what men crave. Right? Hold on a minute. What men crave is not what you think. Does a typical guy have sex on his mind a lot? Uh...yes! But that's not all men crave from the women they love. Ladies, you are really good at knowing what your guy likes. You outclass men when it comes to tuning in. However, if you want to make your man feel loved and secure in your relationship I recommend you focus on three things men crave from the women they love. I cannot claim this is true for all men, but it is for most.

Men Crave Acknowledgment

Generally speaking, guys are raised to be the providers and protectors of their families. They are wired to be problem-solvers, whether at work or home. A guy's identity is wrapped around his ability to succeed in these areas. Most men bust their butts to take care of their families. What they crave from the women they love is a little acknowledgment. Sometimes we screw up when we try to fix a spouse's problem instead of just listening. We get frustrated easily and sometimes withdraw when we sense what we do to help isn't working. The reason is, men don't like to fail. When men hear a lot of criticism from the women they love, they will likely withdraw. So, how do you keep your man from pulling away? It will help if you acknowledge his efforts to provide and care for his family. Men crave this. It is a form of validation. He will be more likely to try to listen better and be more attentive if he gets some credit for doing his job well. This may sound unfair in households where both mates work and acknowledgment should go both ways. I agree it should. Be that as it may, men crave acknowledgment. Maybe more so than women. [Tweet " Most men bust their butts to take care of their families. What they crave from the women they love is a little acknowledgment."]

Men Crave Attention

Early in relationship men and women give each other a lot of attention. Later when kids come along attention gets divided. The mother-child bond is often stronger than father-child. This is often due to childbearing and primary responsibilities of caring for children being weighted toward women. Consequently, the emotional needs of women are easily met bonding with children. Men often have some challenges adjusting to the demands of parenting. They love being dads but they miss alone time with their soul mates. Some guys struggle with a little jealousy. Men crave some attention from the women they love. Perhaps a few women reading this may feel pressure or have some resentment. It's not like you have all this time and energy to take care of yet another person! I get it. Especially if your guy is not pitching in to help. If that's the case, he needs to read last week's blog and step up his game! (Dude, if that's you, read this!) The main point here is that men are no different from women when it comes to attention. Men crave it too! Not a lot. Just enough to know that you see them more than a partner in parenting, but as your guy who still loves to connect with you. Carving out time for your man will make him feel something he is not likely to express in words. He will feel wanted, important, and connected. [Tweet "Men are no different from women when it comes to attention. Men crave it too! Not a lot. Just enough to know that you see them more than a partner in parenting, but as your guy who still loves to connect with you."]

Men Crave Eros

Here's where most women think a guy's craving begins. I can hear it now. "Aha. I knew it! Men crave sex." Whoa Nelly! Before you jump to conclusions, let's take a closer look at eros. Eros is a Latin word of Greek origin and simply means "sexual love". What most men crave from the women they love is eros--sexual love. More than the physical act, men crave the intimate bond that happens during and after sex. I hear this often from men I encounter in my counseling profession. Men and women are different when it comes to intimacy. In general, a woman needs to be close to her man before she wants sex. In contrast, a man feels close to his woman after sex. This can really complicate sexual intimacy. Sadly, for this reason and several others, couples are moving away from sexual intimacy. This is a disturbing trend. By the way, I plan to address this issue in a book I am currently writing, "Bringing Intimacy Back: How To Re-ignite Romance In Your Relationship". It is the second in my series of "Bringing Back..." books.

Tips To Meet What Men Crave

Here are a few tips to consider when it comes to meeting your man's cravings.

It doesn't require a lot of time to meet his needs.
It does require some consistency. A little acknowledgment and attention every day goes a long way. Eros once a week or more establishes a rhythm.
Surprise him!
When your man is going through a rough time at work or otherwise, it is especially important to consider his craving for some acknowledgment.
Acknowledgment, attention, and eros can happen simultaneously. Do I need to explain further?

What's Next for You?

Now that you understand three primary cravings of your man, what do you plan to do next? For most women, the first two: acknowledgment and attention do not take too much effort. Eros can be more complicated. The key is to start somewhere. Work on developing consistency. He may not catch on right away. Or if he does, he may not say anything. After all, he is a guy! However, in a manner of time, you will likely see a difference in him. Caring behavior is reciprocal. It is within our human nature to return an act of kindness.

My Wish For Couples

My wish for couples is that your cravings are satisfied within the sacred space of your relationship. Men, if you anticipate, initiate, and express awe to the woman you love, she will be satisfied. Likewise women, if you tune into your man's need for acknowledgment, attention, and eros, he will be content. Couples who cure cravings are always satisfied!

What Kids Crave From the Parents They Love

donald — Sun, 01 Feb 2015 04:44:26 +0000

A few days ago my 80 year-old mother, connected with me on FaceTime for the first time. It just so happens I was with a couple in counseling. With their permission, I answered the call and politely informed mom that I was in-session. Afterwards I called her and we had several laughs as we talked about her escapades learning how to use her first iPad. My earliest recollection of my mother was when I was about 3 years old. She picked me up out of a playpen and sang me a lullaby. I have vivid memories of that moment, including what she was wearing, the lullaby she sang, and most importantly how I felt as a little toddler cradled in her arms. When I turned 5 years old my mom went to work full-time. I remember driving with dad to take her to her new job. I sat in the backseat confused about what was happening. As mom got out of the car and started walking, big crocodile tears flowed from my eyes. My little brain couldn't understand that she was going to work. I suddenly felt disconnected. Kids crave things from the parents they love. For example one might think they crave "things" like an iPad. Actually, kids crave more than that.

Kids Crave Connection

Belonging is a fundamental human need. It's based on an emotional bond between a child and her/his primary caretakers. Kids crave this bond with both parents. A securely formed bond facilitates healthy child development. Without it, kids become overly needy, anxious, demanding, and challenging. When internal cravings for connection are not met, kids resort to impulsive cravings for things. Remember, connection is what kids crave from the parents they love. Connection of this type, the "emotional bond," seems harder to make these days. The pace of life for families today is too fast to accommodate the pace that secures a healthy connection. I address this concern in a previous blog I wrote, "Are You a Family on the Run or Family Having Fun". In order to form the kind of connection kids crave I recommend the following:

Slow down your pace to allow for more non-structured time together.
Power-down media devices and spend time interacting.
Power-up your play mood. Build a tent in the family room, tickle, play a game, anything that brings the kid out in you.
Spend time in relational conversation. This involves more listening and less lecturing.
Tell your story. Share with your kids about what it was like for you growing up.

[Tweet "When internal cravings for connection are not met, kids resort to impulsive cravings for things."]

Kids Crave Stability

Another key element in healthy child development is stability in the family. Kids need structure and routine. When things are constant and predictable kids feel secure. When the family environment is chaotic kids will react in one form or another. Some kids act-out, others act-up. Kids will become overly irresponsible or overly responsible. Under-function or over-function. Neither is healthy for their development. Kids need parents to create and maintain a stable environment. It doesn't have to be perfect or hassle-free. However, they want parents to have their act together and take charge. If not, kids will strip power from their parents and create bedlam. This is too much power for children. They really don't want it. Yet, it's their reaction to an unstable environment. You may be wondering, "how do I create stability?". It starts and ends with you as a parent. As you focus on your internal health and well-being, your kids will mirror off you. If you ignore your internal health, your kids will react negatively. The most important investment you can make in your kids is the your investment in personal health and well-being. It starts and ends with you. [Tweet "The most important investment you can make in your kids is the your investment in personal health and well-being. It starts and ends with you."]

Kids Crave Some Independence

The striving for independence is consistent with healthy child and adolescent development. It begins in toddlerhood and extends into adulthood. Age-appropriate independence is something you should foster in your parenting style. I call it "freedom within limits". Try to avoid parenting extremes. Overly dependent children rely on parents to do everything for them. Overly independent children are given too much power and lack the maturity to make good decisions. Both extremes create power struggles. Power struggles with kids and teens can be avoided by following the "freedom within limits" approach. For example, instead of arguing with your teen over doing homework versus playing video games, you can offer one of two options. "Son, you can either play your video game for a half-hour before you start homework, or you can play for a full hour after you finish homework. Which option works best for you?" Note in this scenario, two options exist from which to choose. One has immediate gratification, yet less time for video gaming. The other has delayed gratification with more time for fun. The teen chooses the option he wants. The key to the success of the "freedom within limits" option is for the parent to enforce the limit. If not, the teen holds power over the parent. While they may not show it, kids prefer their parents enforce "freedom within limits". Trust me, I hear it a lot when I counsel teens. Speaking of trust, kids crave this too. This takes work on both sides. However, if you form a healthy connection, establish a stable environment, and offer freedom within limits, kids are more likely to become trustworthy.

Kids Crave Love & Acceptance

I think love and acceptance go hand-in-hand for kids. They want to know that they are loved unconditionally. As kids transition into teens they want to be accepted by their parents, not based on what they do but who they are. They can easily be confused, internalize mixed messages, and think they are loved and accepted when they meet their parents' approval. Identity formation is a key developmental task in adolescence. Teens try on many "identity hats" before they figure themselves out. Be patient with your teen through this process and try not to freak out and over-react. If you remain calm and keep the lines of communication open, they will likely heed your advice over another teen. Think about it. Lastly, avoid placing pressure on your kids to live up to some idealized view you have of them. This is especially true for teens. Accept them for who they are, not what you envision. Introduce them to opportunities to grow and develop but do not force them into a mold not suited for them. Listen to their interests. Give them space to explore and discover who they are and what they enjoy. It may be trial and error but eventually they will figure things out.

Tips for Parents

Parenting is more challenging today than in the past for several reasons. As I stated earlier, the pace of life is faster. In most households today, both parents are employed outside the home. This can disrupt the rhythm of connection. Culture also places high expectations on the role of parents as facilitators of their kids' interests and demands. Finally, parents compete with a social media saturated society that exposes kids to things far beyond their maturity level. Here are some tips in closing to think about when it comes to responding to the things kids crave: connection, stability, some independence, and love and acceptance.

Slow down the pace of life and create space for meaningful connection.
Invest regular time in your personal well-being. Read my series of blogs "My Total Fitness Plan" and order my workbook to get started.
Consider ways you can offer each of your kids/teens age-appropriate "freedom within limits". Read my book: "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict" for specific strategies for parenting your kids.
Tell your kids you love them every day. Also, be sure to convey it after you enforce a consequence for inappropriate behavior.

Now it's your turn

If you can act on one thing today to satisfy your child's and/or teen's craving, what would it be? How will you do it? When will it happen today? It doesn't take much to satisfy a craving. It begins with a simple act on your part. As you develop consistency over time you will see a noticeable difference in your kids.

50 Shades of Foreplay: How to Maintain an Active Sexual Relationship

donald — Mon, 23 Feb 2015 03:09:30 +0000

Much ado is being made about the movie version of the E.L. James book, "50 Shades of Grey". It is about a sexual relationship between a guy Christian and a girl Anastasia. I started reading the book but lost interest about halfway through. I understand it has a stronger appeal to women. Good luck ladies finding a thirty-year old millionaire with a penchant for sadomasochism! I am not intending to judge a book I haven't read. If anything, it deserves some credit for generating discussion about the issue of female sexuality. After all, the book has sold over 100 million copies worldwide. It begs the question, "why are women so interested in reading 50 shades?" I'm sure the fantasy aspect does have an appeal for many women. Then there is the aura of the couple simultaneously luring each other into areas of self-exploration they have not dared to enter before. Christian led Anastasia into a world of sexual exploration. Anastasia helped Christian enter the forbidden area of emotional connection. The trending of 50 shades got me thinking about sexuality among couples. Speaking of trend, I see one occurring in couple relationships. It is common among older couples, but now I observe it in young couples. It's disturbing. Couples are drifting away from sexual intimacy. [Tweet "I see a disturbing trend among couples, young and older alike. Couples are drifting away from sexual intimacy."] The focus of this blog is not to give a list of reasons why this is happening. (I address this in a new book I'm currently writing called, "Bringing Intimacy Back: How To Reignite Romance In Your Relationship" set to release later this year.) Instead, I prefer to offer couples ideas on how you can maintain an active sexual relationship. Foreplay is the prelude to sexual intercourse. It includes certain sexual cues and rituals couples invent to connect sexually. Foreplay is a form of communication that requires responding together. Let me suggest some "shades of foreplay" that will aid to an active sexual relationship.

Start Foreplay in the Morning

Men are like microwave ovens. It doesn't take much to get us turned on and it can be over in minutes! Women are like crockpots. Preparation begins in the morning and by evening she is ready to go. Preparation has to be done right. Tune in guys. Preparation is key. How you treat your woman in the morning and throughout the day will determine how responsive she is in the evening. Foreplay here is not grabbing butt and boob. It means attending to her needs: words of appreciation, affection, help around the home, etc... Ladies, it will also help if you flirt with your man. Guys love the hunt in sexual foreplay.

Settle Your Arguments

Unsettled arguments derails sexual activity. Why? Because it disrupts emotions that fuel sexual passion. Unresolved conflicts remain stockpiled in marriages and become the ammo for future arguments. They also contribute to an inactive sexual relationship. If you want help in settling arguments, read my blog 5 Ways to Disarm an Argument and My Top 7 Conflict Resolution Strategies.

Schedule Time For it

It may not sound romantic or spontaneous but it does help to maintain an active sexual relationship. Couples today are way too busy! This is one of the major contributors to a lack of sexual intimacy in marriages. We schedule time for things that are important. Work, kids, friends, family events, etc... Personal and couple time needs to be on the schedule too. Sit down with your spouse/partner and decide what day(s) in the week work best for sexual intimacy and circle it in red! It works wonders for your relationship if you plan a romantic weekend a couple of times a year too.

Spice it Up!

Is your sexual relationship in a rut. Does it run on autopilot? Maybe it is time for some spice. Talk together about what you would like to do to liven it up. A dungeon may be 50 shades too extreme, but how about some candles, music, and exotic oil? The key here is to have a conversation. A rule of thumb: do not require your partner to participate in a sexual activity she/he is not comfortable performing.

Set Reasonable Expectations

Sometimes sexual intimacy can be hindered by unreasonable expectations about the experience. Romance novels for women and pornography for men may conjure up fantasies about sex that are beyond the norm. Partners are disappointed when their mates do not approach sex according to the novel they've read or the video they watched. Perhaps you need to safeguard your relationship from over exposure to fantasy. You may set a bar too high to hurdle. Recent studies show that over exposure to pornography contributes toward difficulty in achieving erection for men when engaging in sex with their spouse. Fantasy is best served between couples who co-create their own in the privacy of their bedroom. This requires dialog between you. As I said earlier, keep your sexual activity in the realm of mutual respect and comfort. One final thing about expectations. Couples do life together. You work jobs, raise kids, clean the house, and pay the bills. You interact on multiple levels. You see each other at your best and worst moments. It's not all sexy. Don't over romanticize your expectations. A "quickie" is sometimes a reasonable expectation in a busy day!

Now its your turn!

Can I make a suggestion? If your relationship is strong, I recommend you discuss this blog with your spouse/partner. It will give you plenty to talk about. Perhaps there are one or more things you can incorporate to maintain an active sexual relationship. If your relationship is struggling in this area, then I recommend you seek professional help to address your concerns. I do a fair amount of counseling to help couples stalled in their sexual relationship. If you would like some direction or our interested in my services, feel free to contact me on my contact page.

What Type of Couple Are You?

donald — Mon, 09 Mar 2015 00:58:32 +0000

All couples fight. It is unavoidable. Imperfect people form imperfect relationships. I have an imperfect marriage too. My wife and I have conflicts once in awhile. I don't like to fight. Neither does she. So we decided early on in our marriage that we would work together to resolve our conflicts. We became allies in arguments. I'll share what that looks like in a minute. In my work I witness adversarial couples. They fight a lot. Sometimes it is over the stupidest things. Over time they develop a negative perspective toward each other and their marriage. It's sad. It's also dangerous. Patterns develop early on in relationships. Couples need to pay attention to these patterns and address them together. After all, patterns are co-created. You've heard it said before, "It takes two to tango." The good news is that you can learn a new dance! In the first of this two-part series I want to highlight the differences between allied and adversarial couples. In the next blog I will show you how to move from an adversarial to an allied couple. Let's begin by highlighting 5 characteristics of an allied couple. Next we will look at 5 characteristics of an adversarial couple.

Allies Attack the Problem, Not Each Other

Allied couples understand that attacking each other doesn't end well. When they notice this pattern emerging, they quickly stop it and try a different approach. They attack the problem with a goal to resolve this issue together.

Allies Share Power

Power flows between people. It has to be regulated properly. Power is a person's right to think, feel, speak, and act for themselves. Allied couples respect each other's power by being considerate when the other is talking.

Allies Try to Understand Each Other

In an argument, allied couples will slow the pace of conversation down so they can better understand each other. They don't speak over each other. To slow things down, they will summarize what a partner might say. "So what I hear you saying is..." "Did I get that right?"

Allies Own Their End of The Conflict

Allied couples normalize imperfection. When someone does something wrong they own it, repair it, and resolve the issue. Ownership disarms the tension. Closure is more likely achieved when allies own their end of the argument.

Allies Seek Win-Win Outcomes

Allied couples want a mutually satisfying outcome. For them, a winner and a loser is not an option. They will work through a conflict, addressing both sides of an issue, to find a solution that works overall. Sometimes they find middle ground. Other times one may defer to the other, knowing they will do the same for them on another issue. These decision come from a good place, a caring heart. [Tweet "Allied couples want a mutually satisfying outcome. For them, a winner and a loser is not an option."]

Adversaries Attack Each Other

Adversarial couples get confused in the fog of battle. They forget they are on the same side. Instead of attacking the problem they attack each other! This approach does not end well. Someone usually ends up hurt. Often both.

Adversaries Get Stuck In Power Struggles

Adversarial couples get locked into power struggles over the smallest issue. The issue is often not the problem. The need to be right or in control is. Time and energy is wasted fighting over something minor. In more cases than not, the issue is not resolved. Unresolved issues get stockpiled around the relationship--ammo for future fights.

Adversaries Act in Win-Loss Outcomes

Because of the strategy used, the outcome is rarely positive for adversarial couples. Often one person wins and the other loses. Losers resent winners. So you won the argument. You probably lost the respect of your spouse. In win-loss outcomes, the relationship loses.

Adversaries Communicate Poorly

A common feature of an adversarial couple is their tendency to talk over each other. Listening to understand is absent. Rather, adversarial couples are so focused on their point of view that they pay very little attention to what their partner is saying. Typically, the conversation escalates until one shuts down on the other. Then a cold war ensues. Words are few. Sentiment is communicated in non-verbals.

Adversaries Struggle Trusting Each Other

A pattern of adversarial behavior in a couple will erode trust. This is not good. Trust is fundamental to a healthy relationship. When trust weakens the relationship is at risk.

What Type of Couple Are You?

After reading the characteristics of the allied versus the adversarial couple, where are you? If you tend to exhibit more of the allied couple traits you are in good shape. Keep it up! If you find that you exhibit more of the adversarial traits then you have some work to do on your relationship. You cannot do it alone. You and your spouse/partner have to work at it together.

My Next Blog

In my next blog I will show you how to make the transition from an adversarial to an allied couple.

How to argue less and love more

donald — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 17:02:34 +0000

I enjoy watching movies. Recently my wife and I watched the 1951 classic, "A Streetcar Named Desire". It was an edgy film, involving triangulated relationships. It's not your typical love story. The couple could definitely use some lessons on how to argue less and love more! Speaking of arguing couples, have you seen the 1989 comedy movie, "The War of the Roses" with Michael Douglass and Kathleen Turner? They portray a married couple Oliver and Barbara Rose who have an adversarial relationship. The volatility in the marriage reaches insanity as the arguing couple literally destroy their house in vengeful acts toward each other. In the final battle they are hanging by a chandelier too weak to hold them. In the end, they fail to work together to save their marriage and it comes crashing to the floor. Working together can save a marriage. Can adversaries become allies? The short answer is yes. Adversarial couples can become allies by making these 5 critical decisions. [Tweet "Adversarial couples can become allies by making these 5 critical decisions."]

Form a Truce

A truce is an agreement between adversaries to stop fighting for a set period of time. To form an alliance you both have to agree to stop fighting. This means you agree to not talk about certain issues until you are ready. This is not an avoidance strategy. It is more of a delayed tactic in order to address the issues in a more civil manner. Achieving civility is your first task. This approach will also help you learn how to argue less and love more.

Recover From Battle Fatigue

Couples need time to recover emotionally from the effect of battle. In my work with couples I often hear them say, "I'm just tired of fighting and not getting along." During the truce, allow each other some time to recover emotionally. Women are more attuned to their emotions than men. They understand the need for emotional healing. Guys want to forget about it and move forward. Guess what men? You are doing yourself and marriage a disservice by not taking time to deal with your emotions too. Underneath your anger and frustration are more primary feelings of sadness, fear, loneliness, and rejection. You need to learn how to deal with these feelings if you want to form an alliance with your spouse/partner.

Work on Forgiveness

Holding on to offenses hurts you more than anyone. Forgiveness heals. In order to be effective, forgiveness has to be a mutual process. It includes the following elements:

Identifying your offenses and owning them.
Identifying your grievances/hurts and sharing them.
Confessing your offenses to your spouse/partner and asking for forgiveness.
Being open to forgive your spouse/partner for his/her offenses.
Forgiving yourself for your offenses.
Committing yourself to a process of working on changing a bad behavior or pattern.

Show Respect and Compassion

I just finished reading the book, "Unbroken" depicting the life of WWII veteran Louie Zamperini who was a POW in Japan. One of the things that struck me was how he acted toward his captors once he was freed. Louie came to a place of forgiveness which enabled him to show respect and compassion toward his adversaries. Respect and compassion has to be mutual. It will not be effective in forming an alliance unless both individuals exhibit it toward each other. During the recovery phase, respect and compassion will aid the healing process. Give it to each other. Acknowledge it when it is given. This will set the process in motion. I wrote a book on respect for couples: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict.

Develop the traits of an Allied Couple

Allied couples argue less and love more. How do they do it? Read my last blog to see how (click here). Here is a review of the 5 traits of an allied couple.

Allies attack the problem, not each other.
Allies share power.
Allies try to understand each other.
Allies own their end of the conflict.
Allies seek win-win outcomes.

Your Next Move

Do you want to argue less and love more? If you've read this far, the answer is obvious. So what's your next move? Is it time to request a truce? If so, think about how you want to communicate it. Gather your thoughts. Put it on paper. Use the right tone. Take action. If you do nothing your relationship may eventually hang by a chandelier. Avoid the crash landing. Request a truce. This is your first step in learning how to argue less and love more.

How To Develop Mutual Care

donald — Thu, 26 Mar 2015 15:14:13 +0000

The couple in the picture above are at odds with each other. They are pulling away. Couples do this when they think that the things they care about don't matter to their spouse. If something matters to your spouse, it should matter to you. [Tweet "If something matters to your spouse, it should matter to you."] In the movie, "The Break Up" with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anniston, the couple have an argument over doing the dishes together following a dinner party at their apartment. Brooke asks Gary for help. Gary resists. Brooke: Gary, you know that I do not like waking up to a kitchen full of dirty dishes. Gary: Who cares?! Brooke: I care. Gary: Fine, I'll help you do the damn dishes. Brooke: That's not what I want. Gary: You just said you want me to help you do the dishes. Brooke: I want you to want to do the dishes. Gary: Why would I want to do the dishes? What mattered to Brooke--cleaning the kitchen, did not matter to Gary. Nor did the 12 lemons she asked him to bring home. He brought 3. She wanted him to take her to a ballet. He hates ballet. This scene illustrates an all too familiar pattern in relationships--an absence of mutual care.

What is Mutual Care?

Let's begin with a definition of the word mutual - a feeling or an action done or experienced by two individuals toward each other. Mutual care is a pattern of doing things in a relationship that matter to the person for whom it is intended. Here's how my wife and I do it. What matters to Marian is walks at the Arboretum, dinner dates, and being tucked into bed. What matters to me is orderliness, dinner dates, and being greeted with a kiss and a cup of coffee in the morning. We have a pattern of doing these things for each other. It's not a chore. Simply put, it's being considerate. [Tweet "Mutual care is a pattern of doing things in a relationship that matter to the person for whom it is intended."] When mutual care functions relationships flourish. It establishes security, builds trust, reduces conflict, and increases intimacy. When it is absent couples drift and become polarized in power struggles.

3 proven ways to develop mutual care

Listen to what matters to your spouse

There is a big difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is audible. Listening is actionable. Listening at a caring level requires action on your part. If financial health matters to your spouse then be more disciplined in your use of the credit card. On the other hand, if physical health matters to you, then your spouse should include a health club membership in the family budget. Make sense?

Learn to like what matters to your spouse

Gary does not have to learn to like ballet. But he can learn to like how Brooke feels when he takes her on occasion. I don't enjoy British film, but I do watch it on occasion with Marian. I like how her eyes brighten and that she snuggles up to me. Now here's an admission--I do like a few shows, but not a steady diet. When we do things that matter to our spouses it makes them feel cared for--like they matter. This increases positive sentiment in the relationship and the likelihood your spouse will do things that matter to you. Marian has come to understand my appreciation of order and has learned to like it too.

Let your spouse know his/her effort matters

Establishing a pattern of mutual care requires positive feedback. Criticism has no place here. It takes a mutual effort to try and a mutual effort to support the try. Make sense? You're more likely to be successful if you agree together to try to do what matters to each other and acknowledge each other's efforts. A positive feedback loop will generate more effort than criticism. The repeated effort to act on what matters establishes the pattern of mutual care.

Your Next Move

What is your next move in developing mutual care? Maybe it's reading the article with your spouse and talking about it together. Perhaps it's generating a list of things you think matters to your spouse and sitting together to see if you got it right or are missing something. What do you know to do now that matters to your spouse that you can put into action? If you found this article helpful, could you do me a favor? Hit the heart/like button and/or share it on your social media outlets. Tweet the quotes. I appreciate your support in my passion--helping couples and families connect!

Does Your Relationship Experience Drama?

donald — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 19:25:31 +0000

We all know drama couples. They draw a lot of attention. Almost everything they do is excessive. Their public arguments, break-ups, reconciliations. Everything about their relationship is for public viewing. Experiencing drama in a relationship doesn't have to be in public to qualify. Many couples have their dramatic moments behind closed doors. Whether private or public, drama can either bring a relationship together or pull it apart. All couples experience drama from time-to-time. Drama isn't always bad. Better to have drama than boredom right? In the first of this two part series I will share drama scenes that don't bode well for couples. In the next blog, I will highlight scenes that tell a good story. Here are 6 drama scenes that cause problems. Couples should avoid these types of drama because it usually doesn't end well. [Tweet "Whether private or public, drama can either bring a relationship together or pull it apart."]

Competition Drama

Similar to sports drama. Ends with a winner and loser. Or as ABC Sports intro used to say, "The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat." I call this the tennis match. This occurs when a couple is talking about an issue and they are more focused on getting their point across than listening to what their partner has to say. I observe this often when coaching couples. As they go back-and-forth arguing their points, my head turns from side-to-side like an audience watching a tennis match. Sometimes I exaggerate my head motion to punctuate the drama unfolding before me. It also gets their attention that this approach is not working!

Silent Film Drama

A classic style of drama where an enactment is occurring but without words. Something is wrong. You can tell by the body language. You ask a question, "Is there something wrong?" No answer or perhaps a shake of the head indicating "no". The silence communicates the opposite message--"Yes there is something wrong, but I am not saying. Figure it out." Silent films often follow competition drama.

Mortal Combat Drama

This is where drama gets ugly. Nasty fights. Yelling, cursing, name-calling. Emotions erupt on both sides. A verbal slugfest. In worst case drama it gets physical. Mortal combat doesn't last too long, but it does severe damage. If you want to learn how to disarm an argument before explodes into combat read my blog "5 Ways to Disarm an Argument".

docudrama

I like documentaries because they tell the story of what occurred and what has happened since. Unresolved conflicts usually end in the docudrama I call "The Cold War". This often happens after combat when couples stop engaging in direct communication. They will go for days not speaking. The non-verbals communicate the adversarial nature of the relationship. Each is waiting for the other to negotiate a peace treaty.

Mystery Drama

This occurs when a spouse/partner suspects something's up but they can't put their finger on it. The mysterious partner is up to no good and is trying to keep it a secret. In most cases, enough clues collected solve the mystery. However, in some cases, mysteries remain unsolved.

Family Drama

Sometimes drama comes from one or both mate's extended family. Couples can fight over a lot of issues related to their family-of-origin. Scenes from childhood can be played out in adult life too. Couples who have not learned how to establish healthy boundaries with their extended families will find themselves in repeated drama.

Not It's Your Turn

So there you have it. Do you see any drama slipping into your relationship. We all have some drama from time-to-time. The key is not to allow negative drama too much script! Some drama is good as you will see in the next blog. For now, if you have negative drama going on stop playing your part. What can you do to stop the drama?

How to Add Some Good Drama in Your Relationship

donald — Mon, 20 Apr 2015 01:20:21 +0000

My wife and I had some drama in our relationship this weekend. No, we didn't have an argument or major conflict. Fortunately, it wasn't that kind of drama. Like most couples, we've had our fair share of that! Instead it's what I call "good drama". I went shopping and did a work-out with her and she watched playoff basketball and hockey with me. For couples, good drama is the stuff that elicits passion, romance, adventure, fun, or a just a really good connection. One of the things we did was plan our next vacation. It was fun. We decided to make it an adventurous trip by finding new places to visit. Our plan is to have good drama on this vacation. [Tweet "For couples, good drama is the stuff that elicits passion, romance, adventure, fun, or a just a really good connection."] Good drama is both intentional (requires planning) and spontaneous (going with the flow). The key is to add plenty of it to your relationship. Here are four proven ways to add good drama in your relationship.

Do something out of character

One of the complaints I hear from couples is that their relationship is boring. They always do the same things, go to the same restaurants, have the same conversations, which end up in the same fights. When is the last time you did something different? If you live in a metropolitan area, you have many opportunities at your disposal. We live in the Chicagoland area and do our best to make use of the many activities the city and surrounding suburbs have to offer. Something out of character can also be done on the cheap. Can't afford a nice restaurant? How about cooking a nice dinner at home with linen tablecloths, candles, nice music, and steaks on the grill? Don't forget your romantic playlist on Spotify!

Add some comedy

One of things I enjoy most about my marriage is that Marian and I laugh a lot. We crack each other up! I love to make her laugh and she does the same. If you want good drama in your relationship, add some comedy. This is especially important in a time when so many couples are busy with the tasks of family and work. Serious and stressed out all day long is not good for you. Humor is a great way to loosen things up in your relationship. A couple of cautions about comedy. Think about timing. Just because you are in a joking mood, make sure your mate is too! Also, comedy is not funny when your partner is always the butt of your jokes. The best comedy is when you're poking fun at yourself.

Replay only the good reruns

I'm a sucker for a good rerun. We love to watch Andy Griffith reruns. If a favorite movie (Shawshank Redemption) is on TV, I am glued to it. A good rerun is synonymous with good drama. Marian and I have rerun drama. In other words, there are things we repeat that we know brings us pleasure every time. For example, we just returned from DMK our favorite burger joint. Food and service is always exceptional. Paradise Valley in Arizona is another good rerun. We vacation there every other year. Get my point? Good reruns provide good drama. Reruns are not just places to visit but experiences to relive together. It can be as simple as looking through a scrapbook or as significant as renewing your marriage vows. Good reruns produce good drama in a relationship.

Weave Romance Into the Drama

In a good drama, romance is woven throughout the story. You see the couple struggle to find each other in the midst of all these obstacles in their way. They go through ups and downs. Some survive. Others do not. Those who never lose the hunt of passion, weave romance throughout the story of their relationship. If you want good drama, do not lose your passion for romance. Don't allow kids, work, bills, and chores rob you of what brought you together in the first place. It will take both of you working together to do it, but it is possible to weave romance into your relationship. If you want help in this area, here are three blogs I wrote recently on the subject. What Women Crave From the Men They Love - and - What Men Crave From the Women They Love - plus - 50 Shades of Foreplay:How to Maintain an Active Sexual Relationship

Now It's Your Turn

How do you add good drama to your relationship? Perhaps you can add to the list of ideas above. I'd love to hear from you. What one of the four proven ways do you plan to implement in your relationship? Feel free to share your ideas.

How to be a Values-Driven Family

donald — Thu, 07 May 2015 13:37:00 +0000

Families are driven. What drives your family? I see two family models. Culturally-driven family and values-driven family. One is more popular than the other. Can you guess which one? If you guessed the culturally-driven family you are correct. Now, do you know which model will give you the most mileage? If you guessed the values-driven family you are also correct. One final question. What model do you prefer? The more popular--culturally-driven model? Or, does the values-driven model make more sense for you? Let's take a closer look at these models.

Culturally-driven Family Model

A culturally-driven family is always on the move. From dawn to dusk, this family is driving on all cylinders. No time for a potty break, a culturally-driven family has places to go and things to do. Work, school, activities, programs, rehearsals, events are major stops in a busy day. A culturally-driven family is motivated by worry. Cultural values suggest you need to expose your kids to the best of everything if you want them to succeed. By all means, you must provide them the best to look successful. Feeling pressure, parents bust their butts to achieve this culturally-driven expectation. Parents scurry about from soccer field to baseball field, from hockey rink, to gymnasium, from music studio to dance studio. Reacting to the pressure to keep up with the trends in fashion and media, culturally-driven parents spend a lot of money, even if it means going into debt. Finally, culturally-driven families are chronically stressed and exhausted. They wonder how long they can keep up the pace. They also worry about the effect is has on the family. The problem is they don't know how to slow down.

Values-driven Family Model

A values-driven family is also on the move, but at a healthy pace. The weekly calendar is full but it includes scheduled time for personal and family activities. Family connections take priority over social opportunities. Parents use discretion in determining how much social activity to pack into the weekly schedule. A values-driven family is motivated by love and passion for connection. They know life is short, that kids grow up quickly, and they want to make lasting memories. Time spent together strengthens family bonds and provides opportunity to instill values. You can tell a values-driven family by the absence of chronic stress. They enjoy life because the pace is manageable. [Tweet "You can tell a values-driven family by the absence of chronic stress. They enjoy life because the pace is manageable."] If you want to be a values-driven family here are some suggestions.

Clarify What You Value

Do you have family values? Can you articulate them? Do your kids know what they are? Are they visible? Do you model them to your kids? These are some questions I recommend you spend some time answering. Once you are clear on your family values it is important for you to implement them in your home.

Instill Values In Your Kids

Parents, you are the primary influencers in your kids' life. Do not delegate this assignment to professionals. In the course of daily life you have ample opportunity to teach your children about values such as respect, honesty, responsibility, faith, and compassion. It's more than telling them what to do, but why the value is important. The most powerful way to teach values is by modeling them at home.

Adapt Your Calendar to Reflect Your Values

Look at your calendar. Does it reflect your values? If you want to be a values-driven family, your calendar will need several time slots for connecting. This means you will have to adjust your pace and eliminate some activities that crowd space. For more on this read my blog, Are You a Family on the Run, or Family Having Fun?. I encourage parents to re-introduce the family mealtime. This is a setting to make powerful connections and reinforce the value of togetherness. If you have dinner on the run, I suggest you begin with setting a day or two a week where you have dinner together as a family. Keep the schedule loose that night so you do not have to run out to an appointment or activity. Hang out at home together. Play a board game. Go for a walk.

Give Your Kids Chores

In culturally-driven families, parents have few expectations for their kids. Parents also do way too much for them. I say go retro and reintroduce chores! Teach your kids that another way to be a part of the family is by making a contribution. Giving age-appropriate chores is important in your child's development. I cover this extensively in my book "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict".

Now It's Your Turn

There is much more I can say on this topic. Hopefully what you read will give you a place to start. Once you know what type of family you are, you can decide what to do next. If you are a values-driven family I would like to hear what you do to make it work. Please leave comments below or on my FaceBook page. If you are a culturally-driven family, what do you plan to do to begin making the shift to a values-driven family? I'd enjoy hearing comments from you too.

5 Habits of Vintage Couples

donald — Mon, 18 May 2015 01:32:51 +0000

I took this picture of a vintage couple while Marian and I were going for a walk on Shelter Island in San Diego Friday night. It was the last day of our vacation and we met this couple strolling along the coast, holding hands. Earlier that week we met another couple in Palm Springs who were married 64 years. We enjoyed meeting both couples and hearing their stories. It got me thinking about what it takes to make relationships last. Vintage couples have certain habits they do that makes them better over time. Here are 5 Habits of Vintage Couples.

Habit of Holding Hands

Vintage couples have a habit of showing affection. Holding hands is one of many things they do to stay close. Human touch is powerful. Especially when it is done to communicate sentiment. Watching the vintage couple walking along the coast holding hands spoke volumes to Marian and me. We couldn't help but stop and greet them. If you want your relationship to develop a vintage quality you have to nurture it. Develop some healthy habits of hand holding, cuddling, and other physical activities that maintain closeness. [Tweet "Vintage couples have a habit of showing affection. Holding hands is one of many things they do to stay close."]

Habit of Thoughtfulness

Early on, vintage couples cultivate the act of thoughtfulness and form it into a habit. They do this by paying attention to each other's needs and meet them without being asked. In a previous blog I encouraged men to develop the art of anticipation. A simple act of thoughtfulness can deeply touch the heart of your spouse/significant other. A small gesture sends a big message, especially if it is thoughtful.

Habit of Flexibility

Vintage couples learn over time to be flexible with each other. An inflexible spouse will break the heart of a flexible one. Couples who stay together in the vintage years of life do so by being mutually flexible. Mutual flexibility is the practice of doing what your partner wants or needs you to do for them. It goes both ways.

Habit of Forgiveness

Speaking of a vintage couple, once in an interview, Ruth Graham the wife of Billy Graham was asked what makes a marriage work. Her answer, "The merger of two forgivers." A habit of being unforgiving can cause resentment and end in bitterness. A habit of forgiveness prevents a buildup of resentment in a relationship. In the sixties movie, "Love Story" the classic line was "love means you never have to say you're sorry." I disagree. Instead, I would suggest, "love means you will have to say you're sorry". If you want a vintage relationship then you will have to get into the habit of saying "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you". You will also have to get in the habit of learning from your mistakes so you don't have to say you're sorry for the same thing over and over. For more on this subject, read my blog, "5 Key Steps to Repair an Conflict".

Habit of Holding On

All relationships go through hard times. It's unavoidable. Vintage couples don't turn on each other during these times. Instead they hold on together and find a way through. It may not be easy, but they agree to hold on. I think going through the Depression and WWII taught them how to persevere. Tough times can bring out the worst or the best in you. If you want to be a vintage couple show each other respect during the hard times. Own your end of the problem. Do your best to work through it. If your spouse has the same mentality you will likely hold on and see better days ahead.

Now It's Your Turn

Do you want to be a vintage couple? If so, good! Look at the 5 habits and see what ones you already have down. Congrats, that's a good start! Now, what habit would you like to add? Can you do me one last favor? If you liked this article, could you please click the heart sign above? Thanks!

How to Help When Someone You Care About is Grieving

donald — Mon, 25 May 2015 16:02:14 +0000

Today is Memorial Day, a national holiday established in 1971 to honor those in military service who sacrificed their lives to protect our nation and preserve our liberty. I invite you to join me in honoring those who have gone before us. If you have lost a loved-one who served in military duty I offer my condolences and gratitude. For many, Memorial Day is also a time to remember other loved ones and friends who have died. Today I will think about my dad who died over 20 years ago, and a nephew who passed away a few short years ago. In my professional work, I reflect on the loss a few of my clients suffered this past year, some very tragic losses. Today I pray for them knowing that their grief is ever present. Helping people through grief is something I do in my personal and professional life. I also go through grief too. I have found there are things that are helpful and approaches that are not when it comes to supporting others in grief. Here are some suggestions on what to do and avoid doing to help when someone you care about is grieving. [Tweet "Grief does not need to be fixed. It needs to be released. Your response to grief is critical to support."]

Grief-support Approaches to Avoid

Grief is an emotion that makes people feel uncomfortable. Often this leads people to want to do something to fix it or make it go away. Grief does not need to be fixed. It needs to be released. Your response to grief is critical to support. Here are some approaches to avoid.

Making the conversation about your grief. Your role is to provide comfort and support. Talking about your grief shifts the focus from them to you. Hearing your story may only make them feel worse. There is a time and place to share your experience with grief. However, it comes much later in the conversation.
Saying, "God allowed this for a purpose". This may or may not be true. Either way, the grieving person is likely not in a frame of mind to hear it. The statement can have an opposite effect. The person in grief may become angry with God and less receptive to his comfort.
Attempting to stop or silence the grief. Grief makes people feel uncomfortable. We don't like to see people suffer. However, trying to stop someone from grieving does not help them get through it. Grief or sadness are real human emotions that need expression. Trying to stop grief doesn't remove it. Instead, it causes the person to suppress it. Not good! Furthermore, they may associate feelings of grief as something bad or inappropriate. Understand this. Grief is normal, healthy, and appropriate.
Statements that usually do not work. "Focus on the positive." "Be thankful for what you have not what you don't have." "You need to get past this." "Focus on those who need you now." "You should be past this by now." "Put this behind you and get on with your life." "Think about others who have it worse than you and you will feel better."

Grief-support Approaches that Help

If you want to help when someone you care about is grieving, you will have to develop a level of tolerance with grief. Remember, grief is a normal human response to loss. It needs to find a release point. Most people do not want to be alone. They want the love and support of others they trust. With that in mind, here are some suggestions on how to help when someone you care about is grieving.

Begin with listening. A grieving person needs to let it out. They are not looking for solutions. Instead, they want support. Listening allows you into their pain so you can understand it. Don't feel any pressure to say something.
Validate their feelings. They may express anger, confusion, or guilt. This is a normal expression of grief. You can say something like, "I understand your anger and confusion. You're right, it doesn't make sense." or "You feel guilty because you wish you could have done something to prevent this."
Show comfort. Based on the nature of the relationship and level of connection, you may want to hold or hug the grieving person. Words of comfort are also helpful. "I am sorry for your loss." "I share in your sadness." "I am with you in your time of grief."
Offer words of support. This part comes after you have listened, validated, and comforted the grieving person. Based on your own experiences of grief, you can offer words of support that provide hope. "The intense pain will go away, but not today."
Do something practical. Running errands, bringing food, or helping with the kids are a few examples of how practical help can be a source support that is needed. The grieving person will remember this as a caring gesture long after the grief phase is over.
If necessary, recommend professional support. For some, the pain of the loss is so great they cannot get through it on their own. Even the love and support of family and friends is not enough. In situations like this, you can help by encouraging the grieving person to seek professional support. This can come through pastoral care, grief support groups, or professional counseling.

Now it's Your Turn

Do you have a loved-one or friend going through grief? If so, do you find it easy or difficult to support them? I trust this blog helps you know what to avoid and what works when someone you care about is grieving. Remember, it doesn't take much to help. Nothing to fix. Just be present. Think about someone who may need your support today. You have the approach. Now, take the next step and reach out. If you found this blog helpful, could you give it a like by clicking the heart icon? Thanks!

How to Prevent a Power Struggle

donald — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 19:49:14 +0000

My wife Marian and I are about to remodel two bathrooms. Yesterday we spent a few hours of a beautiful sunny afternoon walking through warehouses of granite in an effort to decide on decor. Not my idea of spending a Saturday! Getting two people to decide on a style that is mutually appealing is no easy task! We learned over the years not to pull the trigger on a project until it gets a "thumbs up" by both of us. The way we plan to handle this project is that Marian will take the lead on one bathroom and I will take the lead on the other. We agree to keep the style in the range of mutual interest. The tasks of family life whether it is a big project or something minor cause power struggles if couples aren't careful. Power is something you both bring to the relationship. It is the right to your own thoughts, feelings, voice, and choice. Sharing power is the sign of a healthy relationship. Couples who respect each other's power are open to give and receive influence to and from each other. [Tweet "The tasks of family life whether it is a big project or something minor cause power struggles if couples aren't careful."] Here are four key strategies you can follow to prevent a power struggle in your relationship.

Respect Your Mate's Power

As an expression of your love and acceptance of your spouse/partner, one of the most important gifts you can give him/her is your respect of their right to be and express himself/herself. This is their power. In a project, your partner needs to feel respected in the expression of their thoughts and ideas. If they don't feel this, they are less likely to want to listen or accept what you have to say. What follows is a power struggle. If you are the primary income earner in your home do not use this as a means to exert more control over your spouse. I'm not talking about budget here, that's a separate issue. I am speaking more specifically about trumping your spouse's opinion because you are the bread winner.

Listen to Understand Your Spouse

Listening to understand is a power struggle disarmer. Everyone has the need to be heard and understood. As you listen, be sure your body language communicates respect. Don't roll your eyes or fold your arms. It communicates a closed mindset and disrespects your spouse. Sit with an open posture. Give eye contact. Summarize what you hear so you can convey understanding. Sometimes a person's view is based on sentimental value. It is very important that you take this into consideration. Sentiments are as important as aesthetics, logic, or other inputs into a decision. Be careful not to be dismissive of your spouse's sentimental perspective. They may need to express it and let it go, or it may play a role in how they want to proceed in a project.

Find Common Ground

Common ground can be found if you both listen and understand each other. I am amazed at how often I see this in my work with couples. Often they are in the same range in how they see things, but the power struggle in their interactions keeps them from seeing it. Collaboration is a form of communication that considers each person's point of view as valuable to the overall decision. When couples collaborate by considering each other's perspective, common ground is easily found.

Develop Trustworthiness

Trustworthiness is what you give to each other. Can you be trusted to do what you say? Passive-aggressive behavior is a form of power control that breeds mistrust. If you are domineering and have to have things go your way then you are not trustworthy. Trustworthiness is based on honesty and congruency. Being congruent means that your words and actions match. Mistrust reinforces a power struggle. If you can agree to work on mutual trustworthiness your relationship will have enough pliability to share power and prevent the power struggle.

Now It's Your Turn

As you think about your role in your relationship, how do you measure up when it comes to preventing power struggles? Do you show your mate respect in his/her right to express ideas and feelings? Do you listen to understand? Do you give him/her the sense that what they have to say is important to you? Do you seek common ground? Finally, are you trustworthy? If you answered yes to these questions then you probably don't have many power struggles. If you answered "no" then you likely do. Where do you think you need to do better in your relationship? How can you begin to take action? If you found this blog helpful, could you please do four things?

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5 Reasons Why Kids Need Chores

donald — Sun, 28 Jun 2015 00:09:18 +0000

A few weeks ago I called my daughter Candace to catch up. I knew it was the first day of summer break for her kids so I asked, "Are you gearing up to have the kids home all summer?" (Mind you, she has four kids plus a stepson ranging in ages from 14 years old to 9 months.) "Oh dad, no worries here. We are on summer schedule and everyone has their own clipboard." Hmm... My ears perked up. "Their own clipboard?" I inquired. [caption id="attachment_2284" align="alignleft" width="200"] Click the image to see Gianna's chart[/caption] Candace proceeded to tell me how each child has a chart listing the daily and weekly chores. The chart is on their clipboard. She went on to describe parents' expectations about compliance. This included the structure of when chores are done, attitude, and completion. No TV or playtime is allowed until chores are finished. Old school. I love it! "How do you handle non-compliance?" I asked. "We have a few options. They may get a loss of privilege, extra chores, or push-ups/sit-ups." I couldn't help myself. "You mean you give them exercises to do?" "Yeah dad. My kids are the most physically fit in the neighborhood. Push-ups and sit-ups work real well. Gianna's gymnastics coach says she is in excellent shape!" (Gianna is my 8 year old granddaughter. You can see her chart on the left.) Watching my daughter's family in action is pretty cool. You might think I am biased (to some degree yes) but Candace and Joshua (her husband) have well-behaved and respectful kids. Last weekend I took my oldest grandchild Cameron to Cedar Point Amusement Park in honor of his 8th grade graduation. We had a great time. He insisted on paying for lunch on Sunday to honor his "Papa" on Father's Day. How cool is that!

Old vs New School Parenting

Parents today educate themselves on raising children more than past generations. They are more health conscious and value nutrition, proper sleep, early education, and participation in sports, the arts, and social activities. Parents invest time, energy, and financial resources to ensure their kids have every opportunity to succeed in life. A child-focused approach is important, but can be taken to an extreme. Some parents do way too much for their kids and require little in return. Too much attention unwittingly breeds a sense of entitlement in kids. They may become bossy, uncooperative, and act immature. Kids who have too much done for them become takers, not givers. I also like the "old school" approach of teaching kids that making a contribution is a part of what it means to belong in your family. Here are five reasons why kids need chores.

Kids need chores to develop autonomy

Autonomy a.k.a. independence is the endgame in human growth and development. As early as two years old, children are practicing autonomy. You may recognize it as "the terrible twos"! Teaching kids responsibility by giving them age-appropriate chores prepares them for adult autonomy. If children are not given chores they will not know how to take care of themselves as adults. On the other hand, giving your kids chores at an early age encourages their autonomous development. Putting toys away, making their beds, cleaning their rooms, is a good start! [Tweet "Teaching kids responsibility by giving them age-appropriate chores prepares them for adult autonomy."]

Kids need chores to learn personal responsibility

Kids without chores focus only on the rights of independence when they enter adulthood. Kids with chores understand the balance of rights and responsibilities in adulthood. Many kids today delegate responsibilities to their parents. Anxious and frustrated parents find themselves picking up after their kids, cleaning their messes, and fixing their problems. Kids will delay taking action knowing that a parent will eventually cave and do it for them. Giving your kids chores and holding them responsible will help them learn cause and effect. Chores done properly on time yields free time. Non-compliance results in some form of restriction--or in Gianna's case--sit-ups!

Kids need chores to contribute to the family

An over-focused child-centered family sends a wrong message to kids. They mistakenly believe they are the most important figure(s) in the family. These kids view parents as servants who cater to their needs. They give approving/disapproving messages to control their parents. Sadly, some parents fearing a negative reaction placate kids to avoid conflict. Giving kids chores establishes hierarchy in the family with the balance of power weighted on the side of the parents. Kids learn that to be a part of the family involves making a contribution to the system. [Tweet "Giving kids chores establishes hierarchy in the family with the balance of power weighted on the side of the parents."]

Kids need chores to build confidence

Mastering chores gives kids a sense of accomplishment. This builds their confidence. Kids who rely on parents to do things for them struggle with confidence and competency when they are older. Consequently as adults, they depend on their parents help for things they should be able to handle on their own. Kids benefit from exercising their problem-solving skills. Giving them chores aids in this process. As they learn how to master chores their industry skills also sharpen. Problem-solving and industry skills build confidence. It may require some coaching on your part, but after awhile your kids will learn how to do things on their own.

Kids need chores to support their parents

In most family households both parents work. I was raised by dual income parents back in the sixties when it was uncommon. At an early age, my parents trained me how to make my bed, clean my room, and take out the trash. Chores were added as I grew older. As an adult, I thanked my parents for giving me chores and teaching me personal responsibility. Adulthood wasn't as intimidating because I was well-prepared. More importantly, I understood my parents were working hard to provide for me and my siblings. We needed to pitch in and help. Doing chores is a way to show respect to parents. You provide all the comforts of a home to your children. Additionally, you care about their well-being and go the second mile to ensure their needs are met. Your kids see you working hard from dawn to dusk. They need to understand that it is important to support you. One of the ways they can is by doing chores.

Now it's your turn

Do you give age-appropriate chores to your kids? Good for you! You are preparing them to take on the world. If you currently do not have your kids doing chores on a regular basis, now is the time to begin. I listed some resources below for you to help you get started. No matter how old your kids are, it is never too late to begin. Here are some great resources to start. Books: Winning The Chores Wars, Kids Chores & More Resources: Free Chore Charts

Why Parent Rules Make Your Kids' Life Better

donald — Sun, 05 Jul 2015 15:35:31 +0000

In my previous blog I related a conversation I had with my adult daughter Candace about parenting--more specifically, giving kids chores. Candace also went on to describe parent rules she and Josh set for their 5 kids. Rules and chores. I like the sound of that. They go together like "salt and pepper", "peanut butter and jelly", or "matching socks". Kinda reminds me of the old Campbell Soup commercial tune "Soup and Sandwich". (Most of you are younger and have no clue what I'm talking about, so click the link.) I wrote my own rendition to the tune. "Rules and chores. Rules and chores. Go together like room and board. Anytime or weather. Rules and chores go together." Humor aside, parent rules make your kids' life better. It makes your life better too! Candace and Josh set the parent rules, explained them to their kids, and posted them on the refrigerator as a reminder. She took a picture and sent it to me. You can see it on the left. Summer will go better because of these rules. It will go better for the kids. It will go better for the parents. It will go better for their family. Parents should set rules for their kids because it makes their life better. Here are 5 reasons how.

Parent Rules Establish Boundaries

Most kids don't like boundaries. They react to them in negative ways. Kids will test boundaries, ignore them, go around them, or attempt to redefine boundaries to their liking. Kids only like boundaries when it benefits them. "Stay out of my room." "Do not play with my toys." "You are not allowed to wear my clothes." Boundaries create safety and harmony in a home. Rules that clarify boundaries help kids know their limits. So when my grandchildren interact they know the rule is to show manners.

Parent Rules clarify expectations

Kids are not born knowing right from wrong. They learn appropriate behavior from their parents. Setting rules clarifies the expectations of conduct in the home. It is helpful for your children to have written rules. These form a visual reminder of what is expected of them. Kids are more likely to perform the behavior if it is understood as an expectation. They will also feel better about it too! I like the rule for boredom in my daughter's family. Fix your boredom or you will be given an extra chore to do. The expectation here is that boredom is your responsibility not mine. I like it!

Parent Rules Shape Behavior

As we have learned, rules establish boundaries and clarify expectations. Parents who enforce rules shape respectful and responsible behavior. Respectful behavior is about how one treats other people. Responsible behavior is about completing a task, whether it is a chore, homework, or obeying the law. Without rules, your kids have no map to direct them in their developing years. They will be lost, frightened, and dependent on parents to take care of them when they should be independent. Consistency is key in shaping behavior. It is not enough to have rules posted, they have to be enforced consistently in order to shape behavior. I address this topic in my book, "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict".

Parent Rules Teach Values

Do you have family values? Do your kids know them? A good exercise for parents is to have a conversation about family values. Define what they are for your family. Post them where they can be seen. Share these values with your children. Establish basic rules that support these values. The rules in your home should reflect the values you support. If respect is a value you have then rules that honor respect should follow. One of the rules in my daughter's home that supports the value of respect is: "Be respectful of your sibling's need of space."

Parent Rules Enforce Responsibility

We live in an Age of the Selfie. A preoccupation with self does not contribute to healthy social development. It breeds kids who have a high sense of entitlement, increasing narcissism, and a lack of awareness or interest in the needs of others. This is often expressed in the home where kids have a tendency to think they outrank their parents. Many kids today believe their parents exist to make their life better. They lack an understanding of reciprocity--the give and take element that establishes respect. Parent rules remind kids who is in charge. Giving kids everything they want does not make their life better. Establishing and enforcing rules makes kids' life better. Why? It teaches them personal and social responsibility. In order to succeed in an adult world kids need to know how to act in a responsible manner. They cannot expect the world to make life easy for them. Holding your children accountable to the rules of your home will train them to become responsible individuals. This will make their life better. It will also make your life better too! [Tweet "We live in an Age of the Selfie. A preoccupation with self is does not contribute to a healthy social development."]

Now It's Your Turn

Do you have rules in your home? Are they communicated? Do you enforce them? Do your kids follow them? If you said yes, then you are on the right track. I'd like to hear what you do that makes it work. Also, share how it is making a difference in your kids' life. If you answered no to the questions above, I recommend you begin defining some basic rules for your family. If you tried and it didn't work, I suggest you read my book or other books on parenting that help you set the pattern. Remember, it will make your kids' life better--and your's too!

How to Model Respect to Your Kids When They Push Your Buttons

donald — Mon, 20 Jul 2015 20:38:48 +0000

You bust your butt for your kids. Rise early, end the day late. You do what's necessary to give them a good life. All you ask for is some respect. Too much to ask? I say no. Respect is a basic human need. If it is to be found anywhere, first place to look is in the home. Unfortunately, respect is not often found in some homes. In fact, it is missing in our society. Our culture has lost respect for respect. Parenting is more challenging today because kids learn from a social media world that it is okay to show disrespect. It's even applauded. Doesn't make your job any easier! [Tweet "Our culture has lost respect for respect."] Have you heard the saying, "some things are better caught than taught"? When it comes to respect it combines both--modeling and teaching. We want our kids to be respectful. Remember, they cannot be what they cannot see. Here are 3 ways to model respect for your kids when they push your buttons.

Give kids unconditional love

Kids have a tendency to equate love with behavior. They think love is conditional. Unfortunately this is true in some families. This is confusing to kids. It negatively impacts the formation of self-identy. On the other hand, unconditional love sends a positive message to kids. They are loved apart from their behavior. Tell your kids you love them every day. Do not withhold your love when they act out. Dole out the consequence for misbehavior. Also remind them that your love never changes.

Give kids a voice

Commanding respect and demanding it are two different things. Parents who demand respect don't give their kids a voice. Parents who command respect foster an environment for kids to express themselves Kids need to express their thoughts and feelings without feeling judged. You may not like or agree with what you hear. That's okay, you can deal with the content. The key is giving them a voice. A voice needs an audience. In your case, an audience of one--that's you! Develop the art of listening to understand. Convey what you hear. Validate your kids voice. Afterwards, you can address their concerns and bring parental guidance. Patient listening and thoughtful responding models respect. [Tweet "Commanding respect and demanding it are two different things."]

Give kids a choice

In a power struggle, parents are interested in outcome. For example, "Go clean your bedroom." Kids are interested in power, i.e. control. Showing respect for their need for age-appropriate control is important. However, you must balance this against your parental authority. Permitting choices within limits accomplishes this. Here are a few examples of how this works. "You can enjoy dessert after you finish your dinner. If you insist not to eat your vegetables then I will understand that you have chosen not to have dessert tonight." "When your bedroom is clean feel free to spend time watching TV." If you don't give your kid a choice within limits, he/she will likely keep pushing your buttons.

Bonus: The Most Important Way

The most important way to model respect during a "button-pushing" moment with your kids is to be calm. Get yourself under control. I have this emotional mantra, "Don, get a quick grip on yourself." Here are some things you can do to get yourself under control

Take five deep breaths from your diaphragm
Coach yourself into calm - feel free to borrow my emotional mantra
Rehearse the three ways to model respect: love, voice, choice
Reboot the conversation by listening first

Now its your turn

Of the three ways to model respect, which one do you do best? Which one is the hardest? If you have an idea that works for you, I'd love to hear it. Share your comments below or on my Facebook or Twitter page. You want to take a deep dive and learn more about respectful relationships? Check out my book! Bringing Respect Back:Communicating Without the Conflict.

How to Preserve or Recover Early Romance

donald — Sat, 25 Jul 2015 15:06:41 +0000

Ever since we married I have this repeating event on my Friday calendar: "5pm--Date Night With My Bride"(DNWMB). It is the one event we look forward to the most. End of the week. We are going on a date! 90% of DNWMB are without other couples. We sit across the table or next to each other (depending on the view) and focus on our relationship. Minimal time is spent talking about work and family. The rest of the time we spend talking about what is interesting to us: books, movies, documentaries, history, etc... We also talk about what's going on internally. It's a time to listen, understand, and support. Over the years we have refined date nights. We have our "go to" places when we don't have the energy to put a lot of thought into it. Then we add "go find" places that we discover via social media or recommendations from friends. DNWMB is more than a staple event. It is a date. We focus on two things: our friendship and romantic bond.

Romance is Endangered

I counsel or coach couples on a weekly basis. Some are young and just getting started. Others have been together for a long time. In both types, I discover romance is often lacking. The reasons vary. What alarms me is that romance is an endangered dynamic in most marriages. If you are a young couple, there are some things you can do to preserve early romance in your relationship. Likewise, if you are an older couple, there are ways you can recover early romance. Here are 5 things you can do to preserve or recover early romance. [Tweet "What alarms me is that romance is an endangered dynamic in most marriages."]

Agree together this is what you want

Without mutual agreement you have one person doing the work of two. This will not work! Resentment will be the likely outcome of this pattern. (More on this later.) I suggest you sit down together and make some agreements. Do not rehash past failures. This is not a time for finger pointing. Instead, clasp fingers as a symbol of coming together and talk about your desire for romance and friendship. Guys, I recommend you take the lead in beginning this conversation. Convey to your bride that the marriage matters and that you want to cultivate the friendship and romance. Make a mutual agreement to begin thinking and acting toward investment in the relationship.

Talk about the things you enjoyed in early romance

The longer you have been together the more difficult it can be to jar the memory. You may have to go back and look at photo albums to remember. If you are a young couple it is a little easier to scan through your Instagram or Facebook postings. What did you enjoy in early romance? I suggest right now you pause a minute and think. Later, it can be part of a conversation you have with your spouse/partner. You may not be able to do all the things you did in early romance, but you can do some. Once you do, it may generate loving feelings again. You won't know unless you try.

Work out your resentment

Couples who do not cultivate romance and friendship will likely build resentment toward each other. Resentment also forms a barrier in the relationship. Resentful couples avoid getting close to each other. Couples who resolve resentments are more likely to recover friendship and early romance. If you have resentment in your relationship I recommend you read my blog "Resentment: Causes, Consequences, & Cures". [Tweet "Couples who resolve resentments are more likely to recover friendship and early romance."]

Create a repeating event

We are driven by our calendars. Couples share their calendars to remain apprised of the events of family and work. How often does a date night appear on your calendar? Things that matter appear in the calendar. Creating a repeating event establishes a rhythm for date night. When events have a rhythm they are interwoven in the fabric of family life. You may not be able to do weekly date nights as we do, but find something that works and enter it as a repeating event. Protect your repeating event from intruders. I get requests all the time for various events. If it falls on DNWMB the answer usually is "no thank you". If we decide to go, we will move DNWMB to another day that week. This gives you an idea how important it is to us.

Make the date about us

In the course of the week, you wear many hats: spouse, parent, worker, professional, business owner, church/community volunteer, etc... On a date night, wear one hat. Date hat. As I stated, my wife and I give minimal time to unpack work and/or family stuff--about 15-30 minutes max. The rest of the time it is about us. We have plenty to talk about because we have cultivated an interest in many things. If you are stuck not knowing what to talk about, here is a great app to use. It is called LOVE MAP by researcher John Gottman. It has 87 questions to help you learn about your partner. It can be a great tool to use for a date night activity. I use it in my personal and professional life. I give it 5 stars! To learn more about how to make date nights more "about us" I recommend you read or reread two of my recent blogs What Women Crave From the Men They Love What Men Crave From the Women They Love

Now It's Your Turn

I have the privilege of working with couples to preserve and/or restore early romance. It is a beautiful thing to behold. That being said, it takes work and commitment of both partners. If you want to preserve or restore early romance, where do you plan to begin? Maybe you have developed an active early romance rhythm. Do you have some suggestions you can share? Feel free to add your comments below. Finally, if you found this article helpful can you give it a like and a share on your favorite social media forums? Tweet the highlighted comments as well. Thanks!

How My Mess Gave Me a Message

donald — Sat, 01 Aug 2015 17:56:23 +0000

I knew I would eventually write about this but didn't know when or how. To be quite honest, I felt ashamed. I also felt fear. How will people react? Will I be judged? How will it change people's perspective of me? Will it damage my credibility? Weaken my message? Those who are closest to me, my family and friends already know. They walked me through it several years ago. For them, it is such a rearview mirror event. But my clients don't know. Neither do you, followers of my blog. Why? Because I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. But I am now. It may not seem like a big deal to many because it is so common. Yet for me, it was a mess. So here it is. Several years ago I experienced divorce. Out of respect to the privacy of my children and former spouse, I will end the story here. Needless to say, it was the messiest event in my life. At the time, I was in a different career. I had no idea I would end up in a profession helping couples develop healthy relationships. Looking back I can see how walking through my mess gave me a message.

A Message to Myself

Prior to divorce I imagined a perfect life. Here was the message I said to myself. "If I do all the right things I can expect good things to happen." Since divorce, this is the message I remind myself. "Life is messy. Accept it, deal with it, and learn from it." For the past 25 years I've known a great man named Charlie. He is my personal counselor. Charlie walked with me through my mess to find messages I needed to hear and learn. I treasure this relationship. One day in 1999, I came in for a session and said, "Charlie, I think God is leading me into the counseling profession." I was stunned by his response. "I have been waiting to have this conversation", he said. His affirmation was gold. I cried. From that point there was no looking back. I went back to school, graduated in 2005 and here I am. [Tweet "Life is messy. Accept it. Deal with it, and learn from it."]

A Message to Divorced People

In my profession, I help clients going through divorce. On occasion I reference the fact I've been through it. Until now, I did not write about it. Going forward I will. If you experienced divorce or a major breakup of a relationship, I understand your pain. It is awful. In some cases, it is unimaginable pain. I know mine was. My message to you is that you can work through the mess and find something meaningful on the other side. You have to do the hard work of looking at yourself. It is important to learn what you did to contribute to the failure of the marriage, no matter how insignificant you think it may be compared to what you experienced. Is there life after divorce? Yes! The key is you have to work on yourself first. When I felt ready, I eventually met a woman and fell in love. Marian and I have been married for 14 years. We invest in this relationship heavily. Is it messy? Of course! But we work to limit the mess and manage it together. Which leads me to one final message from my mess.

A Message to Married Couples

Marriage is messy. Accept it. Adjust your bar accordingly. I tell people who see me for marriage coaching or counseling, "You are an imperfect person in an imperfect marriage, seeing an imperfect counselor. Now, let's all relax and get to work." Limit the mess by working on yourself. Deal with the problems you bring to the relationship. Do you struggle with anger? Intimacy? Addiction? Perfectionism? Get some help. If you don't, your personal life and marriage will get messier! If you want to get started or kickstart working on yourself, I recommend you get a copy of my free offer, The Guide to Remarkable Relationships: 5 Steps to Become a Healthier, Happier, and More Present Partner. It is free to all new subscribers to my blog. Fill out the form on this page. Manage the mess by working together. Begin by not judging or controlling each other. It doesn't work. In fact, it makes the problem worse! Read books, hang with successful couples, get coaching or go to counseling. Here is what I tell couples in our first session, "I work myself out of a job by giving away all my tools." The most important message I can give you is to invest in your marriage. Make it a line item in your budget and a priority on your calendar. [Tweet "Invest in your marriage. Make it a line item in your budget and a priority in your calendar."]

Now it's your turn

Have you found a message in your mess? Did you become better or bitter? I hope you became better. If you have a message to inspire our readers feel free to leave a comment below.

5 Symptoms of a Toxic Relationship

donald — Sat, 08 Aug 2015 20:51:27 +0000

You know that queasy feeling you get sometimes in a relationship? You want it to work but the more you try the worse you feel? Our bodies have a way of warning us something is not right. A queasy feeling may be a symptom of a toxic relationship. It's not that what you're doing is wrong per se. In relationships, doing the right thing doesn't guarantee a good outcome. It takes two people doing right things to create a healthy relationship. [Tweet "In relationships, doing the right thing doesn't guarantee a good outcome."] So, how do you know if your relationship is toxic? Here are 5 symptoms of a toxic relationship.

One partner is working harder than the other

I see this symptom a lot in my work as a relationship coach and counselor. One person is always taking the lead in the relationship, usually the woman. Guys lose interest in the romance and take the woman for granted. If you are working harder than your spouse/partner it may be an early symptom of a toxic relationship. I suggest you address this quickly and see if your mate can put more skin in the game. If not, you may want to end it early before your relationship becomes toxic.

The relationship goes one way

Self-absorbed individuals are toxic partners in a relationship. Avoid them at all cost. They are takers, not givers. Sheryl Crow wrote about them in her hit song, Anything But Down - "I give you everything that floats into your mind. But you don't bring me anything but down." In my book, "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict", I wrote a chapter about one-sided relationships. These are toxic because they lack a key element in healthy relationships. It's called reciprocity. Reciprocity is a mutual give-and-take pattern that demonstrates caring behavior. If you are always giving and rarely receiving, you are in a toxic relationship. Confront this problem. Do not tolerate it. Your needs are important too!

Untreated mental health condition

Individuals with untreated conditions like mood or anxiety-based disorders are not doing themselves or others any good. These conditions are manageable under the care of capable mental health professionals. To expect others to simply deal with the effects of these untreated conditions is unfair. If you are with someone who is unwilling to address their mental health condition or addiction you are in a toxic relationship. You do not have to put up with it. Nor is it your problem to manage. Confront your spouse/partner about this. Warn them that they may lose you if they do not address the condition.

The Like Factor is Missing

It's hard to imagine but some couples stay together who no longer like each other. They fought many wars and are battle weary. Conflicts never get resolved. They live in a perpetual cold war. The like factor is missing-in-action. If you no longer like each other you are in a toxic relationship.

You stay because you are afraid to leave

Healthy relationships are based on love. Toxic relationships are maintained by fear. Some people are afraid of being alone. Others are afraid of failing. Still, some mistakenly believe their mate will change. If you are no longer happy, but afraid to leave, you are in a toxic relationship. I understand this is a difficult place to be. It gives you that queasy feeling inside, right? If your love is unsustainable maybe it is time to leave. Don't think the outcome of leaving as a bad thing. It can actually be really good for you. I ask clients to make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of ending a toxic relationship. Usually the list of advantages is much longer. This helps inform their next step. It takes a little courage and some effort to leave a toxic relationship. Once you do it, you will be free of the symptoms and start feeling better again. [Tweet "Healthy relationships are based on love. Toxic relationships are maintained by fear."]

Now it's your turn

Based on the 5 symptoms, how is the health of your relationship? If your relationship is reciprocal then you should be getting energy from it. If it is not, it will feel draining. Are you a giver or taker? If you contribute to the symptoms by your behavior, I recommend you make some changes before the toxicity destroys your relationship. Feel free to leave comments below. I'd be interested in learning how others dealt with toxic relationships. Be sure to like the article and subscribe to my blog if you haven't done so already!

Ending Marriage: How to Know for Yourself When it is Over

donald — Sat, 15 Aug 2015 17:58:06 +0000

[powerpress] Ending marriage is not a subject I like to talk about. It cuts agains the grain of my passion.

Helping couples and families connect.

The reality is, not all marriages succeed. More than half end in divorce. To avoid talking about this subject is a disservice to my audience. Having been through divorce several years ago, I understand how painful this process is (my story). Making the decision of ending marriage is complicated and difficult. So much is at stake, particularly if there are kids involved. No parent wants to make life hard on their children. Unfortunately, some marriages are already really hard on them. In some cases, staying together makes it worse. [Tweet "Some marriages are hard on children. In some cases, staying together makes it worse."] Ending marriage is a personal decision. You may get a lot of advice from people, but in the end you have to know for yourself if and when it is time to divorce. Here are seven indicators a marriage is dying.

When the toxicity takes its toll

In my previous blog I highlighted 5 symptoms of a toxic relationship. Toxicity erodes the basic elements of a relationship: security, trust, love, and acceptance. Not a good sign. Mistrust, bitterness, resentment, and animosity take a toxic toll on the relationship. Once allies, you are now adversaries in a marriage void of loving feelings. No matter what you try, you cannot get out of this pattern.

When you have done everything on your end to make it work

Because so much is at stake ending marriage, it is important to do everything you can on your end to make it work. It requires looking in the mirror, owning your faults, correcting them, and working on changing your attitude and actions in your marriage. If you have done everything on your part and it hasn't changed, it may be an indicator that the marriage is dying. This is a sad realization. It is not what you wanted. Knowing you can't do the work of two, it may feel like it is over.

When exhaustion sets in

In general, marriage is hard work! Couples have to work at it together. When you've been doing everything on your end for a long period of time without change, it gets tiring. Here is where exhaustion sets in. It gets harder to do the work. The will to continue to fight for the marriage is weak. The fight is gone.

When you lose all respect

Respect is another fundamental element in marriage. If absent, the relationship is toxic. Without it, there is no hope for the marriage. Indifference toward marriage is a bad sign. A spouse who has worked very hard to save a marriage and has not seen their partner work on their end, will likely lose all respect for him/her. If you have given your best to marriage and your spouse has not reciprocated, it will be hard to keep your respect.

When the actions by your spouse are a deal breaker

What constitutes a "deal breaker" is a personal thing. Tolerance for inappropriate behavior varies with individuals' attitudes and values. Be that as it may, everyone has a breaking point. In my profession, I find three areas in particular ("big 3") that often become a deal breaker in ending marriage. They all begin with the letter A: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction. Patterns of the "big 3" can wreck a marriage beyond repair. Note, I use the word patterns. I have helped couples recover from one or more of the "big 3". However, where a pattern exists the probability of a marriage surviving is low.

When you cannot get past the past

Some individuals are haunted by memories of the offenses of their spouse to a point that they cannot get past the past. This is particularly true among those who have experienced one or more of the "big 3". No matter how hard they try, the images and feelings override. It is difficult for them and maybe the spouse who is trying to repair the marriage. If you cannot get past the past offenses, ending marriage may be what is best overall.

When the only way to reclaim your life is to leave

In a toxic marriage, a person can lose their self-identity. I see this happen in my work with couples. In my profession, we call it a symbiotic relationship. One spouse's identity is absorbed into the other spouse. Sometimes the only way a person can reclaim their life is to end the marriage. This is not an easy process. Feelings of guilt and fear often keep a person in a relationship far too long. However, once a person makes the decision and begins the process of reclaiming their life, healing can begin.

Now it's your turn

If you are in a toxic marriage I understand your pain. You may feel lonely, depressed, and/or trapped. Deciding what to do about it is complicated. Hopefully the seven indicators of a dying marriage will help you figure things out for yourself. Before you consider a big decision like ending marriage I recommend the following

Do the best you can by working on yourself
Seek individual counseling
Consider marriage counseling if your spouse is willing
List the pros and cons of ending marriage
Map out a plan for how you will live following divorce

Do not rush into a decision. Neither should you making avoid one!

Staying Together

donald — Sun, 23 Aug 2015 03:55:12 +0000

Staying together when a relationship is not working is not an easy decision. No matter what others may say, in the end it has to make sense to you. After all, no one else walks in your shoes but you. The longer one is in a relationship the harder it is to leave. Especially, if kids are in the picture. Add the house, neighborhood, common friends and family, and the decision to leave or stay becomes more complicated. A great movie that addresses this topic is "The Story of Us" featuring Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis. Staying together is a personal choice. If you decide to remain in a difficult marriage you will have to change your attitude and approach to survive. Here are 4 things to consider if you choose to stay in your relationship.

Accept your mate for who he/she is

Acceptance is a big pill to swallow. People change for one reason or another. Or perhaps, you turned a blind eye to the person your spouse really is and chose to ignore it. So your man is not the emotionally available and romantic hunk he was when you met him. Maybe he's not that kinda a guy after all. Are you're wondering where the easy going, fun-loving, and sexy woman you fell in love with went? As it turns out, she is more tightly wound, task-oriented, and can't rest until the dishes are done and kids tucked in bed. Occasionally I hear people say, "I didn't sign up for this." Well, it might be time to review your wedding vows. If staying together is your choice, it will help if you begin by accepting four things:

I cannot change my mate.
I cannot make my mate change.
I can learn to accept my mate for who he/she is
My marriage is not going to be what I imagined

Adjust your expectations

To expect your marriage to be something it is not, is a set up for disappointment. Acceptance requires an adjustment in expectations. Set the bar of expectations at a realistic level. If romance is unrecoverable, grieve it and let it go. I know this is hard. It may hurt. However, it is a better alternative than experiencing rejection by seeking something that no longer exists. Sadly, staying together for some couples means adjusting to roomies without romance. [Tweet "Sadly, staying together for some couples means adjusting to roomies without romance."]

Focus on what works

Rarely are marriages 100% bad. By taking a closer look you will likely find some things that work. One of the reasons couples opt for staying together is because they are good at parenting, running a household, or have a civil relationship. Do you know what works in your relationship that offsets what doesn't? Choosing to stay in a difficult marriage is more tolerable when you can focus on the things that work. If you can accept your marriage for what it is, adjust your expectations accordingly, and focus on what works you are more likely to survive.

Find meaning elsewhere

Empty marriages leave a void. Some individuals try to fill it by over-focusing on kids or work. Others seek an extra-marital affair. Trust me, these approaches do not work. Each presents a new set of problems. I recommend you find meaning elsewhere. It begins by turning inward and thinking about what you want to do to bring more meaning in your life. It could be one of several things like going back to school, taking a course, pursuing a dream, or doing volunteer work. The opportunities are endless. It is up to you to decide what you want to pursue. Don't over complicate the process. Experiment with it. If something doesn't fit that's okay. Try something else. Finding meaning elsewhere allows you put energy toward things that matter and add fulfillment to your life. It allows you time to take off your role hats and just be you with you. Furthermore, it distracts you from the things you cannot control and allows you to focus on the things that matter. Make sense?

One final thought

Staying together has to make sense to you. When you adjust your approach as I suggest, you won't feel trapped. If at some point staying together no longer makes sense you can choose to end the marriage. Remember, it is your life and you own the decision on how to live it.

Now it's your turn

For the past few weeks I have written about toxic relationships, divorce, and how to know for yourself when it is over. In this blog, I want to help those who opt for staying together. As you consider the four recommendations, which one(s) do you think you need to take action on? Feel free to leave me a comment below. Or if you prefer, you can share your thoughts privately by contacting me here.

Sound Advice From Ashley Madison

donald — Sun, 30 Aug 2015 04:40:11 +0000

If you have been following the news lately you probably heard about the hacking and publishing of individuals who subscribe to a website called Ashley Madison. It serves married people interested in having an affair with other married people. The site lists approximately 37 million subscribers. The Ashley Madison motto is: "Life is short. Have an affair." Sadly, life is indeed short for some who were exposed. Recently a few committed suicide. Marriages and families are now torn apart by the Ashley Madison revelation. If you have been wounded by the exposure of an affair, my heart goes out to you. Ashley Madison's advice: life is short, have an affair sounds rather hollow now doesn't it? The reality is, life is hard after an affair. May I offer some sound advice from the Ashley Madison incident?

The adventure is not worth the risk

Ashley Madison markets the idea of an affair as an exciting sexual adventure. It elicits a sense of fantasy. The illusion is that the adventure will be satisfying. Sexual attraction does have the element of adventure. It doesn't take an Ashley Madison website to generate it. For some it occurs with a co-worker, a neighbor, a Facebook friend, a Starbucks Barista, you name it. Sexual attraction activates powerful sensual receptors in the brain. The rational part of the brain is in danger of being hijacked by the sexual impulses. Herein lays the risk. A lesson from Ashley Madison is that no matter what you do, a risk of exposure always exits. The damage following exposure is heavy. People you care about are hurt. Reputation is ruined. Future is bleak. Life is hard. Knowing this, ask yourself this question? Is the adventure worth the risk? [Tweet "Ashley Madison's advice: life is short, have an affair sounds rather hollow now doesn't it? The reality is, life is hard after an affair. #AshleyMadison"]

Hiding an affair is not as easy as it seems

Ask the millions of subscribers to Ashley Madison! Nor is it easy for anyone else. Some people get careless in affairs. Phone records provide evidence, as do text messages, emails, or other forms of social media. Subtle changes in behavior, allocation of time, or other nuances can signal something to a spouse or partner. There is also the risk of the affair partner getting caught by being careless. Before long, the thrill of adventure shifts to a tone of anxiety about potential exposure and the ramifications that follow. Managing an affair under the threatening cloud of exposure is not easy. The affair is no longer an escape from reality. It is a reality with a new set of problems.

If you are hiding it you probably shouldn't be doing it

If you are hiding something from your spouse, make it a surprise gift. Something she/he will love you for. Hiding an affair is something she/he will hate you for. I recommend you avoid getting into one. Hiding wrongful behavior is not good for you either. You will likely be saddled by feelings of guilt, shame, and fear. It will corrupt your character. This can have negative implications in all aspects of your life and relationships.

Confront the problems in your marriage without going outside it

In my work with couples, I have found that several factors contribute to the risk of an affair. I won't go into them here. Suffice it to say there are two dynamics that elevate risk.

Risk of an affair is high in relationships where couples do not confront their problems.
Risk of an affair is high in relationships where a partner ignores a problem addressed by his/her spouse.

If you are a couple that avoids problems, I recommend you start confronting them together. See a couples counselor. Get some help right away. You do not want to see your spouse drift into the arms of another person. My heart goes out to those of you who have been trying to get your spouse to work on the marriage but to no avail. The prolonged waiting is tiring and can leave you feeling lonely and trapped. Here is where many are vulnerable to an affair. I recommend you see a professional counselor for support and help in deciding what to do next.

Invest heavily in your relationship

One of the biggest mistakes couples make today is little to no investment in their relationship. Marriages spend way too much time on the back burner. Kids and work dominate front burner activity. Before long, the neglect of the marriage causes couples to emotionally and physically drift from each other. Marital problems stockpile and couples are stuck. This can easily be avoided if couples prioritize their relationship. Give it weekly front burner time. Do not put it off. Get it on your calendar now. Have a regular date night. Develop your sex life. If you are stuck, work with a couples coach or counselor. I witness firsthand the positive effect this process has on couples.

Now it's your turn

What can you do to protect yourself and marriage from an affair? If you need help with your relationship contact me here.

My Love Affair with Taylor Swift Music

donald — Sat, 05 Sep 2015 12:00:08 +0000

What every guy can learn about how to get (and keep) the girl

My wife thinks I have a secret crush on Taylor Swift. She says this to me because I listen to her music--A LOT. It all started this summer when I took my 8 year-old granddaughter, Gianna to a Taylor Swift concert. Mind you, I didn't know anything about Taylor Swift before I got the tickets. So a few weeks before the concert I bought her latest release 1989. [caption id="attachment_2629" align="alignleft" width="300"] Gianna and me at Taylor Swift concert.[/caption] By the day of the concert I knew a few songs and the rest on the album were vaguely familiar. By the end of the night I was a huge fan. Even though I was one of the oldest guys in a crowd of 55,000, I danced to her music all night long. Okay, for all you folks out there who are laughing or mocking, I just want you to know that "Tay Tay" showed me how to "Shake it Off"! Since that wonderful summer night at Soldier Field I have been having a love affair with Taylor Swift music. No shame here. I listen to all of her music. Picture me driving my convertible, music pumping, heads turning, and this guy grooving to "Style", "Red", and "We Are Never Getting Back Together (like ever)". I even have my wife turned on to the music of "T-Swizzie". You may wonder why I have the love affair with Taylor Swift music. Truth be told, I am not a huge fan of pop or country music. I'm more of a vintage rock n roll and blues guy. So why the attraction? Well, I like her sound a lot. But here is another BIG reason why I have the love affair. Taylor Swift and I have a similar passion. We speak about the complexities of relationships and the deep desire everyone has to be loved and respected. When I listen to her music, I think to myself, "She gets it." [Tweet "Taylor Swift and I have a similar passion. We speak about the complexities of relationships and the deep desire everyone has to be loved and respected. When I listen to her music, I think to myself, "She gets it.""] One of the frustrations I hear from women A LOT is the seeming inability of guys to get them. Guys also complain to me that women are hard to figure out. The truth is, women are not that complicated. Guys, if you want to know how to get (and keep) the girl, I recommend you start listening to Taylor Swift music. She will teach you all you need to know. Here are five things you can learn from TS music.

If you want to get the girl you gotta open up and stay open - "That's How You Get The Girl"

Guys, it is easy to open up when you first fall in love. But once you get the girl you gotta stay open. Women like a guy who is strong and sensitive. Once a guy gets his girl, he has a tendency to be less open and more "guy-ish". It's a huge mistake! Get into a routine of talking about your feelings. Tell her more than "I love you." Express what you love about her. Be specific. "I love how you do little things to make me feel like your man."

Admire and accept who she is, not a version you prefer - "Begin Again"

A woman does not want a man who cannot admire her for who she is. However, she is attracted to the man who "gets her" and does not feel threatened. If you want a great relationship with your woman, accept and like who she is. [Tweet "If you want a great relationship with your woman, accept and like who she is."]

Make her laugh and feel safe - "Stay, Stay, Stay"

I like this song because the guy totally disarms the girl's emotional outbursts with silly humor. He also takes the time to memorize her. Because he gets her, she feels safe with him. You want to get and keep the girl? Make her laugh! Let her feel comfortable in her own skin. My wife Marian has a fascination with spiders. We can be on a walk, riding bikes, or driving in a car (true story) and she will spot a really big spider. We stop so she can visit with it. Early on in the relationship, Marian worried if I thought she was too weird for me. Actually, her cute weirdness is attractive to me. Translation: I still stop for spiders. Marian feels safe to be herself with me.

Stay committed even when it's hard - "Out of the Woods"

Taylor Swift wrote this song to talk about the anxiety couples face when they are trying to see if they can make the relationship work. Relationships have highs and lows. Expect to feel lost sometimes. You may even feel worried if you can make it out of the woods. Women want to know if their guy is going to stay committed even when it gets hard. Will she be abandoned in the woods? Or will he have courage and take the lead to get you out together?

Know her heart, treasure it, and protect it - "Mine"

Everyone has a story of hope and heartache. The heart wants to love but is afraid. When a woman feels this way she wants a man who knows her heart and takes special care to protect it from further hurt. He understands her vulnerability and sees how much love she has to offer him. Her heart is a treasure of beauty and elegance. She just needs a safe man to open it. So, that's just a sample of Taylor Swift music that can help a guy get (and keep) the girl. Know her music for yourself and discover more!

Now IT's Your Turn

Thus ends my confession about my love affair. What about you? Do you have a favorite Taylor Swift song? How will it help the guy get and keep the girl? Share it in the comment box below.

The Most Important Dish on Your Thanksgiving Table

donald — Sat, 21 Nov 2015 16:09:24 +0000

Thanksgiving meal ranks at the top of my list of family gatherings. Let's face it--we Americans love our turkey! Over the years, we have concocted several ways to cook the bird: baked, braised, grilled, smoked, deep fried, beer can roasted, slow roasted spitfire, or spatchcocked. I love just about every dish on the Thanksgiving table except for cranberries and sweet potatoes. I remember one year when we were driving to my relatives for the annual Thanksgiving dinner and my brother Jim accidently spilled the sweet potato dish in the backseat of the car. In fact, it was all over his lap! To say the least, my parents were not happy. As for me, I felt like my big brother took one for me. I'm sure you have funny stories and treasured memories of this special holiday. What I like about Thanksgiving Day most is how it brings family members together around a dinner table on a day set aside to give thanks. I also wonder how many families actually take time to express what they are thankful for. Several years ago we added a dish to our Thanksgiving table which has become a tradition. It is a dish young and old share with each other one at a time. The dish is called "thankfulness". After dinner, dessert is served and this is when we dish out thankfulness. In no particular order, every person in the room will share what they are thankful for this year. Imagine four generations of family members, from little kids to my 81 year-old mother expressing gratitude. It is both powerful and heartwarming. Thankfulness is the most important dish we share on Thanksgiving Day. Here are four reasons why you may want to add this dish to your banquet table.

It helps you to focus on the good things in life and lessons learned

Taking time to reflect on what you are thankful for shifts the mind from a stressful, negative, "why can't things be better" attitude to a positive perspective. You will likely find you have many things for which to be thankful. Lately I have been annoyed by a series of stressors (mostly minor) that have left me feeling frustrated. I realized I was giving way too much airtime to these pestie problems. So, I decided to reflect on and give thanks for the good things in my life. It has helped immensely! My stress level decreased and my attitude is more positive. In anticipation of Thanksgiving Day, think about the good things in your life. What lessons did you learn this year? What are you thankful for that you would like to dish out this year to others? [Tweet "In anticipation of Thanksgiving Day, think about the good things in your life. What are you thankful for that you would like to share with others?"]

It helps you understand and appreciate what others are experiencing

More often in families people talk about things on the surface: movies or TV shows, sports, cooking tips, shopping, restaurants, vacation trips, etc... For whatever reason, families spend less time talking about personal issues. Yet, taking time during dinner to express thankfulness allows others to understand and appreciate what you're learning. In our family, gratitude sometimes comes out of a trial or difficult experience. We have suffered the loss of family members who died early in life. Others have faced health problems or relationship hardship. When you hear people share their stories, lessons learned, and gratitude in the midst of suffering, it gives you a deeper appreciation and respect for them. Expressing gratitude does not require you to go deep. It can be something small yet meaningful you learned. I like to be reminded to be thankful for the simple things in life too. In our family sometimes thankfulness is expressed with humor that has everyone laughing!

It brings families together in a more caring and supportive way

When people open up it draws others in more closely. Isn't this what a family Thanksgiving dinner is meant to do? Thankfulness sets a caring and supportive tone at the dinner table. One of things I enjoy is seeing family members encourage and support each other after we dish out thankfulness. Validation from family members always follows. It usually comes in the form of encouraging words and hugs. The atmosphere is buzzing with love, laughter, and happiness.

It strengthens the bonds in the family

When you dish out thankfulness it will strengthen the bond in your family. Do you ever wonder if people in your family appreciate you? If so, you are not alone. I hear this a lot. Truth be told, I have felt that way before too! One of the most powerful moments in our family is when a family member looks at another and surprises them by saying how thankful they are for that person. It is really special when a challenging teenager says in front of all the relatives how much he/she appreciate his/her parents. Moments like that cut right through to the heart and heal hurts. Adding the dish of thankfulness to our banquet table has been truly remarkable. It has strengthened the bonds in our family in ways we did not expect. Four generations now exist in our family. The little ones are learning this tradition. It is the favorite dish on our table.

Now It's Your Turn

Do you have a Thanksgiving tradition that you do in your family? If so, I'd love to hear it. You can comment below or leave it on one of my social media sites. Maybe this blog has sparked an idea or two in your mind. If your family is more reserved, perhaps you can do a slightly different version. Here's an example: "In one sentence, share one thing you are thankful for this year." [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/preview?locale=en_US&trk=prof-0-sb-preview-primary-button"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

5 Emotional Tones in a Healthy Home

donald — Sun, 13 Sep 2015 03:41:07 +0000

Growing up I knew I was in big trouble if I could see my dad's gold molar. When he was really angry, the grimaced expression exposed the tooth. Fortunately, this was a rare occurrence. But when the gold tooth appeared, it changed the tone in the home. I knew he was serious and my response would determine the outcome of consequences. When I was a kid, parents set the tone in the home. If kids were unruly, parents could get compliance often with a simple stare. You knew that it signaled a quick change in behavior. Some might say it was a tone of fear. Others would argue it was a tone of respect. In many homes today, kids set the tone in the family. In other words, they use their emotions or mood to control the family. Parents recognize certain tones of voice and/or facial expression and react in ways that give in to a child's wants. I call this an inversion of power in the family system. In my professional work I spend a lot of time coaching couples and families how to build a healthy home. As you can imagine, much of my work is in the area of communication, conflict management, and establishing strong connections. One of the areas I also address is setting the tone for a healthy home. I find if the tone is set right, the members in the family feel more connected and live more harmoniously. Here are 5 tones to set if you want a healthy home.

Tone of respect

Respect is such a fundamental tone in a healthy home that I wrote an entire book on the subject: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict. If you want a great read on how to bring this back into your personal life, marriage and family relationships I strongly urge you to get this book. Setting a tone of respect begins with you. Think about what you say and how you say it. The "how you say it" is the tone. If the tone is too harsh the message will be lost in translation. [Tweet "Setting a tone of respect begins with you. If the tone is too harsh the message will be lost in translation."] When I am angry, I try to slow myself down before I speak. I think to myself, "how can I say this in a tone that will keep the listener's ears open?".

Tone of patience

Kids can try your patience. So does your spouse! It is not easy to run a household. Especially today. The pace of life is intense. Families are on the run from dawn to dusk. The stress capacity is maxed. Conflict potential is high. A tone of patience is crucial in a family on the run. Parents, it is up to you to set the tone. If you are a parent in your household, it is imperative that you work on stress management. Put it at the top of your list. Your capacity for patience under pressure is determined by your ability to manage stress.

Tone of empathy

Stress, and the cluster of emotions attached to it can be overwhelming. Your spouse and/or kids may bring it home with them. It is easy to react to one another with negativity. This usually makes things worse. Setting a tone of empathy disarms negativity. Empathy is listening to understand, and conveying a heartfelt response of support. "I understand you've had a horrible day and don't need me to pile on. I am sorry things didn't go well today." Notice I didn't follow-up the sentence with, "But...", which is often what we do. Sometimes our "big buts" undermine the empathy we attempt to show. Slow things down. Be with the person in turmoil. Advice can come a few minutes later, after the person settles down and is ready to receive it.

Tone of humility

In the course of a day or week, we are bound to do or say something that hurts someone in the family. Couples argue. Kids fight. It's part of doing life together. Fairly normal unless it is too excessive. A tone of humility establishes a healthy home. Humility acknowledges imperfection and owns misbehavior. It is important to establish this tone in your marriage and family. Sometimes it is good to remind ourselves, "i am an imperfect person, in an imperfect marriage, with imperfect children. When I do something wrong, I will own it and repair it with the person(s) I harm."

Tone of humor

One of the things I enjoy most in my marriage and family is the tone of humor set in these relationships. My wife and I spend a fair amount of time making each other laugh! I tell you what, it is a great tool to disarm a conflict too! Humor is a good way to bring people together and strengthen family ties. Usually in every family a comedian exists. This is the family member who knows how to set the tone of humor. In my family growing up, it was my brother Jim. He is the best! A tone of humor can come from anyone. I think it should start with parents. Let your kids know you have a sense of humor and still like to play and be silly. Dads, I recommend you watch the movie, "Hook" to find your inner Pan.

Now it's your turn

What tone is lacking in your home? How can you set this tone in your family this week? If you need help with some coaching on how to set a positive emotional tone in your family feel free to contact me.

10 Ways to Build Trust in Marriage

donald — Sat, 19 Sep 2015 23:09:22 +0000

Blindfolds are risky. Wear one in a firing squad, the outcome is fatal. In a magic show or circus event, you definitely have to trust the skill of the person tossing the knives. Relationships are risky too! If you are married you may remember making a covenant with your spouse. The statements you made established a commitment based on trust. When it comes to trust, we take a risk that the person we are married to will do as they promise. Trust is a fundamental element in a relationship that ensures its survival. It is as basic as food and water. Marian and I were previously married. We both had issues of trust coming into our relationship. In order to make our marriage work, we decided to build a bridge of trust with each other. We knew trust was more than vows on an altar, but actions that supported it. After 14+ years of marriage we continue to build the bridge of trust. How do we do it? Let me just say it is a daily effort of honoring important commitments that build trust. I think every couple can build a bridge of trust by reaching for these 10 commitments. [Tweet "Trust is a fundamental element in a relationship that ensures its survival. It is as basic as food and water."]

1. Honoring each other

Honor means to hold a person in high respect. I write about wearing a lens of respect in my book: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict. Having a lens of respect will shape how you talk and treat your spouse at all times, even in conflict. If you don't know how to do this, I recommend you read the book.

2. Living within the boundary of your covenant

Have you made a covenant together? Couples married in a church generally do. Whether you are married or living together, you probably made some kind of commitment toward each other. If you want to build trust in your relationship, live within that boundary. Don't stray! If you do and it is exposed, you will sever the trust in your marriage/relationship. Repairing trust is a colossal exercise.

3. Becoming an open book with each other

Opening up to someone is risky. Right? You don't know what they will do with the sacred stories of your life. In a building a bridge of trust it is important that you open up. This is not easy especially if you come from a family that does not talking openly. Nonetheless, to build the bridge, you have to do your part in becoming vulnerable with your spouse/partner.

4. Protecting each other's personal stuff

This goes hand-in-hand with being an open book. You must protect each other's personal stuff. Sharing it without permission violates trust. When we open up to our spouses we want to know that we will not be judged or exposed. Avoid discussing personal matters of your spouse with family and friends unless you have been given the green light by your mate.

5. Loving each other, warts and all

Face it, we all have warts. Welcome to the world of imperfect people. Do you want your spouse to love you in spite of your warts? Do the same. I have warts in my personality, my mood, and in my attitude sometimes. I thank God my wife loves me warts and all. I do the same for her. I suggest you do it for each other. It is liberating!

6. Striving to be the best for each other

Have you ever had actual warts? I did recently. I learned if you don't deal with them immediately, they spread! While my wife loves me warts and all, I think it is important that I work on them. One of my warts is what Marian describes as occasionally being mopie. I own that and work on it. Striving to be the best for each other can go in several directions. I suggest you work on being healthy in all areas of your life. I have a free tool for you called: The Guide for Remarkable Relationships: 5 Ways to Become a Healthier, Happier, and More Present Partner. If you are not a subscriber to my blog you can get it for free by subscribing. If you already subscribe, I will send it to you by contacting me here.

7. Owning your faults and repairing them

Honesty is essential in building a bridge of trust in marriage. Without it, your marriage will suffer. Owning your faults and repairing them goes a long way in building trust. If you deny, blame, or minimize your faults it will make you untrustworthy. The first thing to do when you are at fault is to say you are sorry.

8. Forgiving each other

As important as it is to own a fault, it is equally important to forgive each other. If your spouse owns a fault, do your very best to extend forgiveness. Why? Because you are going to need it too sometime. Your warts are going to act out in your marriage. It is best to be a forgiver, knowing you will need it too!

9. Stepping in when called upon to support

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad..." These are commitments to support one another we make at the start of marriage. A covenant of trust is established with these vows. To build trust in marriage we must be ready to step in and support when called upon. Every relationship gets tested in the course of life together. One of you will be struggling with something and need the support of the other. Trust in marriage is built when you step in for each other during these hard times. It forges a strength in marriage that can withstand anything. "Two are better than one...If one falls down the other is there to pick him up..." Words of King Solomon.

10. Defending each other when attacked

Life is a battle at times. On occasion your spouse may be attacked. It can happen at work, with family, or friends. Personal attacks are painful. How important it is for a spouse to be a defender in times like this. If you want to build a bridge of trust in marriage, I encourage you to be a front line defender of your spouse when he/she is attacked. This level of support will form a bond so strong, no one can come between it.

Look out for my next blog!

Next week I will write about what you can do to rebuild trust after it has been broken. I work with many couples who suffer a breach of trust in marriage. I will share proven strategies to help you.

Now It's Your Turn

You've seen my 10 commitments that build a bridge of trust in marriage. Do you have some in your relationship you can add? I encourage you to comment here or on one of my social media sites.

How to Rebuild Trust

donald — Sat, 26 Sep 2015 18:10:39 +0000

[powerpress] In my profession, I help couples rebuild trust that is broken. They want to know if the relationship can be restored. I offer them hope that it can, but will take an effort from both.

Broken Trust is Heartbreaking

Trust is foundational to relationships. Trust establishes security. On this foundation all other elements of the relationship are built. When trust is broken, it involves a heartbreaker and a brokenhearted person. The heartbreaker is the person who did something or a series of things to violate trust in the relationship. The brokenhearted is the person who has had their trust violated. It is emotionally painful for the brokenhearted person. Herein lies the formation of mistrust in the relationship. Depending on the offense, a couple may have a crack, crevice, or crater in the foundation. Questions quickly emerge. Is the foundation ruined? Can we rebuild trust? If so, how? The answers to these questions depend on several factors. I will address them by sharing 7 steps to rebuild trust. [Tweet " It takes a lot of work and time to rebuild trust. Couples must be patient with the process."]

1. Both partners must be willing to engage in the rebuilding process.

In order to rebuild trust, the heartbreaker and brokenhearted have to engage in the process. The heartbreaker has to focus on repairing the wound and demonstrating trustworthiness. The process of rebuilding trust harder for the brokenhearted. Here's why.

The brokenhearted partner has to be open to forgive and move forward.
The brokenhearted partner has to risk being hurt again.
The brokenhearted partner has to work on letting the heartbreaker in again.

2. The pace of rebuilding is set by the brokenhearted.

Because the work to rebuild trust is harder for the brokenhearted, the pace has to be set by her/him. The heartbreaker must understand this an adjust accordingly. Think in terms of wound and recovery. A wounded person has a slower pace than a non-wounded partner. If the heartbreaker sets the pace or pressures the brokenhearted to "get over it", trust cannot be rebuilt. On the other hand, if the brokenhearted uses the process only to repeatedly punish the heartbreaker with anger and vitriol it may stall the process of recovery. Remember, the aim for both parties is to rebuild trust. Attitude and actions are key.

3. The attitude and actions of the heartbreaker must be sincere.

If you are the heartbreaker that violated trust in your marriage read carefully. Your attitude and actions must focus on the pain you caused your spouse. You may not like to face it, but face it you must. Until you can empathize with the heartache your spouse has endured, you will not be able to rebuild trust. Going forward your words and actions must be aligned. They must convey sincere remorse for your actions and a clear intent to rebuild trust in the relationship. Honesty across the board is paramount. This is not a time to think about protecting yourself. It is the brokenhearted spouse who needs to feel protection.

4. The brokenhearted at some point has to begin dispensing trust.

This is hard. Mistrust warns against it. Your head and heart have to work together. Lower your risk by dispensing trust in smaller doses. Dispense it based on the heartbreaker's actions of day to rebuild trust. Some make the mistake of giving full trust back right away. This may set you up for another heartbreak. Remember, small regular doses works best.

5. Rebuilding trust requires a daily effort on both partners.

Relationships are built on reciprocal patterns. It is a give-and-take process between two people. "I scratch your back. You scratch mine." Rebuilding trust requires a similar process. The heartbreaker has to exhibit trustworthiness behavior on a daily basis. Again, attitude and action must be aimed at reestablishing security in the relationship. Do not lose sight of your mate's heart. Is it healing? Do you remain empathic? If you are the brokenhearted spouse/partner, every day you will have to work on being open to the effort of your mate and dispense trust in equal measure. This reciprocal process of demonstrating trustworthy behavior and dispensing trust will cause it to grow over time.

6. Issues of forgiveness and fear have to be addressed throughout the rebuilding process.

The brokenhearted spouse/partner is in a lot of pain. Broken trust manifests issues of forgiveness and fear. These will be triggered throughout the rebuilding process and will diminish over time based on the quality of repair work done. Until then, the heartbreaker has to be prepared to deal with these matters in a careful manner. A steady diet of showing empathy, restating apology, and offering reassurance will help rebuild trust.

7. Rebuilding trust is understood as a process over time.

A couple needs to adopt a mutual understanding about trust. It is a process that builds over time. In my work with couples, I give them a "mathematical metaphor" that goes like this: Trust = behavior/time (Trust equals behavior over time.) Couples must be patient with the process. It takes a lot of work and time to rebuild trust. However, over time the foundation will become stronger and a sense of security will be restored in the relationship. In some cases, couples end up with a deeper level of commitment to each other.

Now it's your turn

What have you discovered it takes to rebuild trust that can be added to this list of seven? I would be interested in learning from you. Feel free to leave a comment below or post on my social media outlets. Is your relationship in need of rebuilding trust? Start with step one and ask yourself if you are willing to work on it. Go from there. [mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/timeline/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" google_plus="https://plus.google.com/u/0/102055073409420077319/posts" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/public-profile-settings?trk=prof-edit-edit-public_profile"]

Mining Gold: 5 Nuggets Buried in Your Marriage

donald — Sun, 04 Oct 2015 02:20:35 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]The First Lady and I have been talking about gold lately. You might think it has to do with jewelry. Think again! Our recent conversations center on investing in gold versus stock. It got me thinking about mining for gold. Not in the earth. Better still, in the heart. Plenty of gold in marriage. Once you find it, you're rich! Mining for gold combines skill and luck. Learning how to find it is important. Yet, sometimes we stumble on it and don't know it. There have been moments I've held it in my hands then discarded it, not realizing how valuable it is--to my wife. Every marriage has gold. It is buried in the heart of your spouse. To find it you have to mine it. You can have a wealthy marriage by finding these 5 precious nuggets. [Tweet "Every marriage has gold. It is buried in the heart of your spouse. To find it you have to mine it."]

Nugget of Happiness: Where does my spouse find happiness?

Happiness is an innate desire. We seek ways to find it. Once discovered, we feel alive in the world. Do you know what makes your spouse happy? If so, you have discovered gold. What do I mean? Knowing what makes your spouse happy affords you the opportunity to make it happen. I have a running list in my brain of what makes Marian happy. She has one for me. We do our best to bring happiness in each other's lives by doing what we know each other enjoys. What is on your running list? Is it short or long? I encourage you to have a new conversation with your spouse on what makes them happy. You might find new gold!

Nugget of Romance: How does my spouse like romance?

Romance is gold. More than sex, romance is drama. Romantic energy flows back-n-forth between partners in a dance that activates the senses. The wishes, expectations, and needs involving romance are buried in the heart. Mining for romance takes the active skill of tuning-in to your spouse. Tuning-in is paying attention to what your spouse says is romantic to her/him. This is gold. Responding to the romantic needs of your spouse intensifies the experience.

Nugget of Struggles: Where does my spouse struggle and how can I support?

Everyone struggles with something. It can be insecurities, fears, limiting beliefs, you name it. Sometimes the struggle is with a relationship, say a family member who makes life difficult. Most people do not want to be alone with their struggles. Nor do we want to be a burden on others. It is comforting to have someone in your life who loves and accepts you, struggles and all. Knowing your spouse's struggle is gold. Yes, I said gold. Why? Because you can be a solid rock of support when your spouse is going through a struggle. Some individuals let gold slip out of their hand by being critical or controlling toward a spouse who is struggling. This only makes the struggle harder. Try being understanding by listening and validating feelings. Solutions can follow.

Nugget of Hurt: What do I do that hurts my spouse?

Here is some choice gold. Do you know what your spouse's struggle is with you? Do you exhibit a pattern of behavior that is beyond annoying? I'm talking about things you do that hurts your spouse? It is easy to describe your own hurts. How about his/hers? Take a recent conflict for example. You may recall what you were upset about, but can you remember with as much clarity what hurt your spouse? When you know what you do to hurt your spouse, you've found gold. Not so you can repeat it. It's so you can stop doing it. Listen, if you want a happy marriage, stop hurting your spouse. Seriously, work on changing bad patterns in yourself. Your spouse will respect you for it.

Nugget of Passion: What pumps my spouse's heart?

Hearts contain passion. May be hard to find, but it is there. Often, the hustle and bustle of life and the responsibilities of kids and work, leave little time for matters of the heart. But deep down inside, passion resides. Finding your spouse's passion is gold. Supporting his/her passion will forge a stronger and deeper relationship. Passion can be as big as a career, or small as a love of art or sports. Encouraging your spouse to follow a passion is mining gold. Marian has several areas of passion, as do I. She enjoys quiet walks in nature, fine cuisine, and 80s music. I enjoy sports, fine cuisine, and 70s music. We have individual passions in our careers. Over the course of married life we make it a point to support each other's passions, pursue our own, and continue to explore the passions we share. We share a passion for travel and regularly plan trips together. Do you know your spouse's passions? If so, you have struck gold. Now you can invest that gold in wonderful experiences together.

Now It's Your Turn

Have you mined these five nuggets of gold in your marriage? Is a nugget or two still buried? I'd be interested to learn from you what other nuggets of gold you have found in your marriage. Feel free to leave comments below or on my social media sites. [/vc_column_text][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/timeline/" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" google_plus="https://plus.google.com/u/0/102055073409420077319/posts" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/public-profile-settings?trk=prof-edit-edit-public_profile"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

What to do when she wants to vent

donald — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:43:20 +0000

How is the venting system working in your relationship? Does it function properly? Or, do you find that when your spouse wants to vent, problems erupt? The other day a couple raised this issue with me. They were talking about a fireplace being installed in their home. The wife complained that her husband won't let her vent. Whenever she expresses her frustration about something, he tells her to calm down and not make such a big deal out things. I asked her,"Does that work?" She replied,"No, it only makes me more angry!" I turned to the husband and asked him about the fireplace."Does it have a venting system?" "Of course" he replied. Then I asked, "What would happen if you kept the vent closed when you burned logs?" "That would not be smart" he said. I smiled. He sheepishly grinned. "I get it." Relationships are equipped with a venting system. The keyis knowing how to regulate it. Here are 5 tips every guy can use when the girl he loves wants to vent. [Tweet "Relationships are equipped with a venting system. The key is knowing how to regulate it."]

Don't try to control her vent

The worst thing you can do is to take control of her vent. Saying things like, "Calm down" or "Quit acting so crazy" does not work. It will only make her more angry. She may vent even louder. Or, if she closes the vent, she will stew at you the rest of the day.

Remain calm yourself

Notice the guy in the picture. While his wife is venting, he sits in a relaxed posture. He gives her eye contact. The expression on his face is calm and focused. This is what I call being the stress-reducing partner. His non-verbal communication is calming and helps regulate her vent without taking control away from his wife. How do you remain calm? Here's what I try to do.

I take a deep breath and count to five. Repeat this a few times.
I remind myself that my job is to listen, not to fix.
I choose to give her the respect of my attention and support.

Let her vent

The purpose of a vent is to release energy, usually in the form of heat: frustration, anger, etc... Sometimes the feelings are sadness, worry or confusion. These are simply emotions that need a release point. Venting is necessary.

Listen without judgment

Feelings are neither right or wrong. They are neutral. It is not your right to judge your spouse's feelings. Just because you don't share her view or have the same feelings doesn't mean she does not have the right to hers. Giving her the freedom to vent creates safety in the relationship. It also conveys acceptance--"I accept you for who you are and support your right to say how you feel."

Ask a curiosity question

Curiosity questions are a powerful form of healthy communication. By taking a position of curiosity you might ask,"What do you need from me right now?" Men like to fix problems. It's how we're wired. We often give advice when it is not requested. This is why I like the curiosity question. Often a spouse might say,"I don't need anything. I just want you to listen while I vent my frustrations." In the illustration above the wife said,"I just need to listen and give me a hug."

Now it's your turn

Guys, women are not that complicated. Our reactions to their emotions is what often complicates things. Problems are avoided if we can simply allow them to vent. Which of the five tips do you need to work on? Your effectiveness begins with you getting control of you--not her. If you want more help with this, check out my blog: How to Fix Her Problem in 5 Easy Steps [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="10" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/timeline/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" google_plus="https://plus.google.com/u/1/102055073409420077319/posts" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/public-profile-settings?trk=prof-edit-edit-public_profile"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How to Keep the Grinch from Stealing the Happy in Your Holidays

donald — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 01:20:07 +0000

Do you have a Grinch in your family? Someone who steals your holiday happiness? I suppose every family has a Grinch or two that shows up. Can you be Grinchy? I think we all struggle with a Grinch attitude sometimes. Grinch is main character in the Dr. Suess classic. He did not like seeing people happy. Grinch's sole intent was to ruin Christmas in Whoville by stealing their gifts. While his motivation appeared sinister it was more an expression of hurt he experienced as a young lad in the town. I think a lot of Grinches operate out of unresolved hurt. We see them as a"party pooper", "Scrooge", or some other "Grinch-like" character who somehow succeeds in ruining the holidays every year. In reality, they may be hurt or broken on the inside. So whether the Grinch shows up on your doorstep or within yourself, you want to make sure it doesn't ruin your festivities. Check out these 5 prevention measures to keep Grinch from stealing the happy in your holidays.

Choose your holiday attitude and stick to it no matter what

We own our attitude during the holidays. It is a matter of choice. Choose happiness and stick to it no matter what. Do not allow the attitude or actions of others steal your joy! Be careful your Grinch doesn't come out too! If you have a negative attitude it can steal the happiness in your family. Don't allow work problems or other issues too much airplay in your head. Hit the pause button on those things and choose to enjoy the holidays with the people you love. Rehearsal and reminders are key in keeping your holiday attitude stuck on happy. It will probably help if you had some self-talk statements to reinforce the attitude you choose. Do this in advance of the holidays to get you into the spirit. When something attempts to steal your happiness you can remind yourself of the attitude you chose. [Tweet "We own our attitude during the holidays. Choose happiness and stick to it no matter what. Do not allow the attitude or actions of others steal your joy!"]

Do not allow Grinch to get into your head

You know how Grinches can be. Their grumpy, complaining, arguing attitude can put a damper on a joyous occasion. When Grinch focuses negativity on you it will affect your attitude if you allow it. This is a good time to take a few deep breaths and keep your attitude in check. Remind yourself of the attitude you chose by rehearsing your self-talk. Keep conversations short with Grinch and change the subject often if necessary. By maintaining control of the content and amount of attention you give to Grinch, it will prevent your attitude from being stolen.

Filter Grinch speech

Grinches like to get into your head. Words can cut through like a knife! In an instant, they can say something that makes you feel guilty, angry, or responsible for their unhappiness. If you take the bait it will steal your happiness. To avoid this, filter Grinch speech. Do not give credibility to their words. Do not defend yourself. Simply say, "You are entitled to your opinion, but I don't share it. If you choose to be negative, keep it to yourself." Then walk away or change the subject.

Focus more on people who share your holiday attitude

Some people have a tendency to fixate on Grinch to the exclusion of others. It is not your job to monitor Grinch. If you do, say goodbye to your happy attitude. It will be "easy pickens" for Grinch! Instead, focus on people who share your holiday attitude. Enter into their conversations. Enjoy playing a game together. Giving less attention to Grinch and more to other people sets a healthy boundary that also sends a message. "If you want my attention, change your attitude and be happy!"

Live at peace with the Grinch

You cannot turn a grouchy Grinch into a happy Santa. This is something they have to decide to do for themselves. However, you can change the way you look at Grinch. Behind the self-centered person is a wounded, unhappy soul. Grinch is lost and can't find his/her way out of their pain. Instead, they act out and hurt others to feel better. It doesn't work. They still hurt on the inside. Knowing this, you can look at Grinch with fresh eyes. You can't change Grinch. However, by understanding this person you can live at peace with him/her. Grinch is no longer a powerful threat, but a weak person. One of my favorite Bible verses says, "As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." You cannot make Grinch leave at peace with you, but you can with Grinch. Understanding the hurt underneath the hate will help. Kindness, mercy, and grace are powerful antidotes to the underlying hurt. Choosing to live at peace with Grinch will keep the happy in your holidays.

Now it's your turn

Who plays Grinch in your holiday season? You know the script--what they do to steal your happiness. What scripts can you write, rehearse and remind yourself to combat the Grinch? If you are a Grinch, what attitude(s) are you going to focus on changing? Start writing scripts down that you can rehearse during the upcoming weeks that will generate a happy attitude. [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" google_plus="https://plus.google.com/102055073409420077319/posts" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/public-profile-settings?trk=prof-edit-edit-public_profile"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Make This a Holiday to Remember

donald — Sun, 29 Nov 2015 18:41:25 +0000

I have holiday memories I treasure and others I want to forget. Some were memorable. A few were miserable. How about you? Surfing the holidays as a kid was easy and carefree. I counted the days until Christmas arrived. As an adult, I find myself counting the days until it's over! What's up with that? As a kid I dreamed about presents, people I'd see and all the festivities. But when I became a parent, I had nightmares. It was the pressure to make it all happen. The challenge for adults is to maintain a childlike sense of wonder and also to remember that the holidays are more about people than presents. It's about great experiences and special moments with the people we care about. I want to make this a holiday to remember. How about you? Maybe you've made promises to yourself that you were going to do it different, only to find that last Christmas was a repeat of the year before. A miserable holiday because you:

over committed yourself to events, parties, and preparations
spent more money than you budgeted
ate more food than your limit
ran yourself ragged
allowed that relative to upset you again
argued with your spouse over holiday events
drank too much

Are you ready for a better holiday. A holiday to remember? A memorable holiday...

based on your values
guided by expectations you set ahead of time
where you don't feel guilty about over-spending
where you don't feel guilty about over-eating
where you feel rested and engaged
where you don't feel pressure to make everyone happy
where you feel connected to the people around you

If you want to avoid a miserable holiday and create a memorable one you are in the right place. I want to offer you something that will give you a holiday to remember. The good news is it is free. It is my holiday gift to you. It is called: Holiday Relationship Challenge: 12 Days to Keep the Happy in the Holidays I have spent the better part of 3 months working on this with a fellow blogger, communications consultant, and friend, Amanda Berlin. We have spent hours talking and writing about the challenges people face to keep the happy in the holidays. As a professional, spouse, and parent, Amanda knows firsthand the pressure moms face during the holidays. She presents me with some really challenging issues from expectations, relationships, time commitments, spending, travel, and somehow keeping it all together. In response to Amanda's questions, I offer tips on 12 different areas related to the holidays. Each day you will receive a holiday relationship challenge. Amanda will deliver the challenge. I will provide the insights and tips on how to keep your happy in the holidays. Are you ready for a challenge that will create a holiday to remember?

Sign up by clicking here!

How to find your way out of the fog

donald — Sun, 06 Dec 2015 19:41:12 +0000

Have you ever found yourself in a fog? It's happened to me before. Fog disrupts your vision. You can suddenly feel lost, confused, even scared sometimes. The fog I'm talking about is in your mind. There are different types. Each one messes with your head. I will illustrate three and give you some strategies on how to find your way out of the fog.

A Rolling Fog

A few years ago, Marian and I were driving along the coast in Monterey, California. It was evening and we were heading back to our hotel. On the left was the ocean and we could see the white foam waves crashing the shore. In the distant we assumed were clouds--except that they seemed to be moving toward us. In a matter of minutes, a fog rolled in and enveloped the coast. A clear highway was barely visible. I had to quickly pull over to avoid a collision. A rolling fog catches you by surprise. You think things are going well and suddenly a fog rolls in and messes with your head. You might feel a bit disoriented, confused, not quite yourself. Some will describe the fog as a loss of confidence or feelings of insecurity that creep in. Or, it could be negative thoughts that take over the mind. What is a rolling fog? Usually, it is insecurities lurking in the unconscious mind. They are triggered when you least expect it. You could be in a good mood, or anticipating a great day, and as you go along, the fog starts slowly rolling in. It starts with a negative thought or two. Before you know it, your mood is hijacked by insecurity, anxiety, and misperception. It can ruin your day and wreak havoc in your relationships.

Finding your way out of a rolling fog

Stop and get your bearings. This is a nautical term that has to do with finding location. For our purposes it means stopping to get a bearing on your misguided thoughts. In my illustration, I had to pull the car over and figure things out before proceeding. So, stop what you're doing, go to someplace you can think for a moment.
Describe the fog. Is it confusion? Anxiety? Insecurity? In order to identify it, you need to ask yourself two questions: "What are thoughts about?" "How am I feeling?" Once you identify the fog you can decide how to deal with it.
Navigate the fog. A fog is a temporary state. Knowing this you can relax and navigate your way through it. You can dissipate a fog by challenging the nature of it. If it has to do with insecurity or anxiety, these are based on false beliefs. By challenging these negative scripts with positive affirmations, the fog will likely lift. I have a guide, "How to Rewrite Negative Scripts" I can send you for free by request. Contact me here.

Fog of War

This is a dangerous fog. It has an adversarial feel to it. In the fog of war you feel the need to defend yourself against a perceived enemy. You feel attacked. The impulse is to retaliate. (Notice the repeated use of the word "feel".) I say this fog is dangerous because they enemy you perceive is an ally. In military terms it is called "friendly fire". In the confusion of the fog of war you are shooting at a fellow soldier. This soldier may be your spouse, child, or friend. In the fog of war, something again is triggered in the unconscious mind. Often these are old shame-based wounds that happen in the developing years of childhood and adolescence. However, now you are an adult and you can defend yourself. So when someone says or does something that triggers this wound you may attack them with words or actions that harm. The ally is not in attack mode and may have no clue what triggered you. Nonetheless, in the fog of war, a battle occurs and result in casualties.

Finding your way out of the fog of war

Call a "cease fire" in your head. You need to get off the battlefield quick! Your ally is mistaken for the enemy and you will say or do things that you will regret later. Get away by yourself to find out what triggered you.
Describe your trigger. This is similar to what I discussed above. The idea here is to identify what happened and how it made you feel.
Connect the feeling to old wounds. This is important so you understand why you react so intensely in the fog of war.
Help your ally understand your trigger. If this is a safe person in your life you will want them to understand how your triggers are connected to childhood wounds.
Get help with your wounds. I recommend you seek help from a professional to deal with and heal from the wounds you carry in your adult life.

Morning Fog

This is being in a fog about your life. You wake up, look out the window, and can't make sense out of what you see. You're confused about your life, or at least, aspects of it. For example, you might be in a fog about your career, a relationship, or what you want to be fulfilled. Starting each day in a fog is unpleasant. It can affect your mood and motivation. If you don't address the fog, you may find yourself wandering aimlessly, wasting time. At some point you are going to have to find your way out. You cannot just look at it every day and expect it to go away on its own. [Tweet "Starting each day in a fog is unpleasant. You cannot just look at it and expect it to go away on its own."]

Finding your way out of morning fog

Picture your life without fog. Capture a vision on how things will be better. Clarity can add motivation.
Be honest with yourself about what is holding you back. No time for excuses or blaming others. Dig a little deeper and you will see the real problem is how you think. Self-doubt, fear, or other negative thoughts keep you in a fog.
If you want out, confront your resistance. It's time to take action. Confront your negative thoughts. If it doesn't work on your own, consider talking with a professional. The key is to do something about the fog, not just stare at it.

Now it's your turn

Are you in a fog? You have a way out. What is do you plan to do about it. Feel free to comment on what you plan to do next.

Holiday Relationship Challenge Day 1: Spending

donald — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 02:53:23 +0000

Welcome to the first of 12 DAYS TO KEEP THE HAPPY IN THE HOLIDAYS! We're excited to talk today about SPENDING. Check out what we are facing when it comes to spending this holiday, let us know if you have anything in common with us. Post your comments below this video. We'll be checking in and responding to everyone.

Holiday Relationship Challenge: Day 2 OVERWHELM

donald — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 04:36:31 +0000

Welcome to Day 2 in the Holiday Relationship Challenge. Watch today's video to learn how to shift from overwhelmed to in-control. Feeling overwhelmed is as inherent in the holidays as tinsel and twinkling lights, right? It might be a busy time, but it doesn't need to be overwhelming. See what we have to say about how to approach the holidays a little differently this year.

What it takes to nurture healthy adult children

donald — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 06:05:13 +0000

Marian and I just finished dinner at a restaurant with my son Justin and his fiancé Brandy. A few weeks ago we double dated with my daughter Candace and her husband Joshua. In January I will visit my son Jordan who lives in Arizona. It's hard to imagine my kids as adults. Time moves so rapidly! I enjoy watching my kids find their way in adulthood. They face challenges. Plans do not always unfold neatly. I see them struggle at times. Part of me wants to step in and take charge. Yet, I step back and watch, ready when called upon, but trusting their ability to problem-solve their way through--just like my parents taught me. As a divorced parent I often feared my kids would become screwed up adults. Some of those years were really tough. Turbulence so severe I didn't know if any of us would survive. Somehow we did. Today I feel so blessed to see my kids strive to be healthy adults. They are far from perfect. Neither am I. But they have a good core. This is key to raising healthy adult children. Help them develop a good core. I would like to share with you three simple suggestions from my experience on what it takes to raise healthy adult children. I am going to refrain from the obvious things you've heard before (love them unconditionally) and focus on the less familiar.

No matter what, don't neglect or abandon your kids

Healthy child development is nurtured in parental bonding. This includes dads and moms! A rhythm of bonding behaviors establishes trust in the core of your children. Trust is fundamental to development. If your kids don't trust you to give them security, they will form a basic mistrust of people in general. In the early years, I was in my kids lives all the time. I attended events, coached teams, played basketball in our driveway with their friends. After divorce, my time with them was limited. For me, it was chronic emotional pain. However, I determined to stay in their life as much as possible even if at times it felt peripheral. Parents, be careful that you do not allow careers, household responsibilities, or the activities of your kids rob you of the quality time they need with you. Slow down and enjoy nurturing the relationship.

If you say you have values or beliefs then live them

Nothing worse than being a hypocrite to your children. Words have a diminished value if they are not supported by actions. Be true to your word. Don't promise your children something you cannot deliver. Kids are influenced more by cultural messages streaming through media portals and their peers. You have your work cut out for you. [Tweet "Nothing worse than being a hypocrite to your children. Words have a diminished value if they are not supported by actions"] I also believe kids are starving for leadership. Be a hero by being consistent in your words and actions. When they enter adulthood they will trust the proven guidance they see in you. My son Justin was talking wedding plans with me the other day. He stated that he and Brandy are working hard on saving money. I treasure what he said next, "I remember those things you taught me growing up. It feels good."

Encourage them to find their voice

Within the core of an individual is a voice. I'm not being literal here. What I mean is kids need to be able to express themselves without fear of disapproval or shame. A parent who constantly corrects or criticizes a child, injures their spirit. Encourage your kids to express their thoughts and feelings. Do not be quick to interrupt because you don't agree with what you hear. Let them finish. Validate them by conveying understanding. Afterwards give your input. I like what the Bible says, "Be quick to listen. Slow to speak, and slow to become angry." From the time I was a young parent I always tried to encourage my kids to use their voice. Even recently when talking separately with each my adult kids I listened as they processed decisions they are facing. Only after they finished did I ask them if I could shed some additional light. I was impressed by how little I had to offer. As adults they show me they get it. They are figuring things out. Confidence emerges from the core.

Now it's your turn

What do you do to nurture healthy adult children? I would love to hear your suggestions! Feel free to post a comment below or on one of my social media sites listed here. [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/preview?locale=en_US&trk=prof-0-sb-preview-primary-button"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Holiday Relationship Challenge: Expectations

donald — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 17:54:57 +0000

Welcome to Day 3 in the Holiday Relationship Challenge: 12 Days to Keep the Happy in the Holidays. We are talking about the one thing that is the biggest drain on holiday joy: EXPECTATIONS Wishing things were different than they are is the enemy of joy. Yet, sometimes we can't help ourselves from pining for something different or something closer to the ideal. Click on the video below and learn about how to deal with your own expectations for the holidays and the expectations of others. Tell us in the comments below how you will deal with your expectations differently this year.

Holiday Relationship Challenge: Travel

donald — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 16:04:59 +0000

We are talking one of the stressors of the holidays that few of us will be able to avoid. That's HOLIDAY TRAVEL. Travel seems to bring out something different in each of us. We all have different "travel-modes." For some of us, there's that stress-filled ramp up period, then there's the travel, and then there's the "let-down" after it's all over. When things don't go according to plan when it comes to travel (which happens quite often!) there are the challenges associated with how we confront with the unexpected. How can we possibly stay calm?! How can we help the other people in our lives navigate travel stress more smoothly. Even when things go smoothly, travel today is no picnic, from the lines to the cramped conditions to the lack of food served on flights. It's a recipe for disaster! Watch today's video and learn about how to deal with travel issues and the one thing you can do to make meaningful memories instead. Tell us in the comments below the video how you will deal with holiday travel differently this year. We can't wait to hear from you!

Holiday Relationship Challenge Day 5: How to Survive Turmoil at Home

donald — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 22:31:25 +0000

The holidays can feel really inconvenient when there's a challenging dynamic in your own home. Who wants to put on a happy face when you and your partner are anything but! In today's episode, we get real. It can't always be sparkly tinsel and twinkling lights. We talk about how to get through the holidays -- and have a pleasant time -- when all it feels like you and your partner can do successfully together is spar. Tell us in the comments below how you might approach the holidays differently this year, particularly if there is hostility on the home front.

Holiday Relationship Challenge Day 6: Grief

donald — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 02:42:53 +0000

Sometimes it just doesn't seem possible to be happy during the holidays. Grief is a very real thing this time of year. If you're suffering, you're not alone. In today's video, we have three ways for you to experience a little more peace this season, even if your loss is recent and profound. Remember, we're here for you. We're watching the comments and we want to hear from you. Tell us in the comments below this video how you might relate to your grief differently.

Holiday Relationship Challenge: Day 7 Dealing With Family Drama

donald — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 21:20:44 +0000

Family drama during the holidays is about as certain as tinsel and twinkling lights, the Sugar Plum Fairy and pumpkin pie. The holidays seem to bring out the most harried, stressed, aggressive, resentful versions of the people we (thought we) love. Of course we love our families, and we wouldn’t want to spend a holiday without them, but sometimes they seem to make is so hard, right? In today's video, check out our tips for how to deal with family drama differently this year, including how to approach the OBLIGATIONS of the season differently. Tell us in the comments below about what you're dealing with and how you plan to approach it differently

Holiday Relationship Challenge: Day 8 How to Deal with Loneliness

donald — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 02:55:00 +0000

As we've said over and over again during this challenge, it's the most wonderful time of the year. But, of course, the fact that we're running this challenge at all, and the fact that you've signed up, means you know as well as we do that this season can be a minefield -- possibly BECAUSE we want so desperately for it to be wonderful. That being said, today we're tackling something that can really feel paralyzing this time of year: loneliness. It's hard to focus on anything else when you're feeling isolated, misunderstood, disconnected. Check out our three step process by which to embrace your loneliness and yourself and get through the holidays this year with a little more self-love and ease. Tell us in the comments below how you look at loneliness now.

Holiday Relationship Challenge: Day 9 Holiday Self-Care

donald — Sun, 20 Dec 2015 03:22:36 +0000

Today we're talking about self-esteem this holiday: What we do to ourselves, mentally, physically emotionally, and how we talk to ourselves about how we perceive our behavior. Whether we beat ourselves up for eating too much, or not getting along with our family, or resenting friends, the esteem with which we hold ourselves impacts our relationships. How we feel about ourselves is reflected in the way we are treated and the way we treat others. So check out today's video for ideas on how to stop hating and start loving yourself. Tell us in the comments below how you struggle and in what way this might help you do things differently.

Holiday Relationship Challenge: Day 10 Deepening and Repairing Relationships

donald — Mon, 21 Dec 2015 01:31:59 +0000

The holidays are a great time to let bygones be bygones. But that's so much easier said than done sometimes. It might be as easy saying "Let's just put the past behind us." But, often it's much more complicated. Check out today's video for four ideas for determining whether the time is right to try to repair a damaged relationship and how to go about doing it. Tell us in the comments below if this is helpful and how you might implement it. What's one thing you might do to approach the people in your life with whom you have tension? We're here for you. This isn't easy.

Holiday Relationship Challenge: Day 11 How to Make a Great Holiday Experience for Your Kids

donald — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 00:32:29 +0000

It's a gift to be able to see the holidays through your children's eyes: the magic! The wonder! But, we also live in perpetual fear of holiday meltdowns. And then, do we risk melting down, too, as a result of an inconsolable child? Let's take a look at what you can do to model happy holiday behavior and help your child cope with the challenges of the season. These challenges impact kids, too! Tell us in the comments below what you might do differently when it comes to your kids this holiday!

Holiday Relationship Challenge: Day 12 How to Bring Back the Spirit of the Season

donald — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 02:37:46 +0000

Welcome back to the final day in our 12 days to keep the happy in the holidays relationship challenge. Thank you for bring with us on this journey. You should feel very good about the commitment you've made this year on behalf of yourself, your family, your friends and your community. Everyone benefits when you're happier in your life and in your relationships. Today, we're bringing you a special final video on how you can get back to basics and really bask in and enjoy the holiday spirit this season. Amid the materialism and obligation and expectations, we lose site of what's really important. In this video, we give you three tips for rekindling the spirit of the season. Tell us in the comments below what's been most meaningful to you these 12 days. And if you have any ideas on what you'd like us to cover in the future, please share! We wish you all the love and peace this season can offer.

3 Ways to Change 1 Thing in 2016

donald — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 15:13:27 +0000

A guy on a bench. When was the last time you found some bench? Life moves rather rapidly doesn't it? Sometimes just getting a shower in feels like a challenge when you've got toddlers tugging at your pajamas! Spending time with my kids and grandchildren during the holidays reminded me of how valuable, yet rare a 20 minute nap was when I was a young parent. I wish there was a way to slow society down. This fast pace is causing a myriad of problems across the grid. We may not be able to control the external world, but we do have some leverage when it comes to our personal lives and families. We can grab some bench, reflect and decide what matters. A few months ago I had a minor health scare. Actually, it was a malfunction that occurred on a EKG test I was taking for a new life insurance policy. When I got the initial report that it registered an abnormality it rocked my world. I scheduled a follow-up test with my doctor. In the waning days, I grabbed some bench. It was an existential moment. I thought a lot about my current stage in life, where I wanted to go, lifestyle, eating habits, etc... My outlook shifted. I could feel it internally. When I met with the doctor, he ran another EKG and the result was normal. We agreed I needed to lower my cholesterol, continue exercising, and modify my diet. My wife bought me a FitBit and I have been off n running on my new approach to health and fitness. As you reflect on this year, what is 1 thing you would like to change going into 2016? Is there a pattern of thinking or behavior that really bothers you? A bad habit you promised yourself you would do something about but avoided? [Tweet "The change you want has to happen on the inside before it will manifest on the outside"] Here are 3 ways to change 1 thing in 2016

Grab some bench and reflect on it

Think really hard about how this problem is personally affecting you. Does it affect your mood? Your outlook? How about your self-esteem? Think really hard about how this problem affects your relationships. Does it cause problems at home? Is it getting in the way of your performance at work? What do others reflect to you about this? Grabbing some bench is a sports metaphor. Athletes are ordered by a coach to sit on the bench either to rest or because they are not performing to expectations on the court or playing field. You are the coach of your life. It is crucial that you give yourself some time on the bench to rest and reflect.

Look at the big picture and decide what matters to you

Do you want the bigger house and luxury car? These things come with hard work and sacrifice. Or do you value close relationships and simplicity? This counter-culture approach requires determination. If the 1 thing you want to change interferes with the things that matter, you are more likely to be willing to work on it. Bad eating habits conflicted with my values about health and longevity. I knew I had to do something about it. I modified my diet. It wasn't that big a deal. I feel much better and worry less about my health.

Get serious and act on it right away

I made my decision to change my eating habits before I met with my doctor. When the second EKG test came up negative, a thought floated through my mind, "You can go back to eating whatever you want!" That thought was immediately followed by, "This doesn't change a thing. It is time to keep my health a priority!" I acted on the second thought and ignored the first. If you want to change that 1 thing you have got to get serious! The change you want has to happen on the inside before it will manifest on the outside. You need to shift your attitude. Spending time on the bench reflecting will help. You may also confide in someone you trust and ask this person for feedback and support. Once you get serious, act on it right away. Don't give yourself time for excuse making. You will face some resistance (often procrastination) but you can fight through it. Force yourself to act. If it means talking to a professional, by all means do it. Act, act, act! Fight the resistance in your head and act.

Now it's your turn

You may have more than 1 thing swirling in your mind right now. I suggest you find some bench. You need to narrow it down to 1 thing. Follow the 3 steps. Write me or comment below on what 1 thing you plan to change in 2016.

How to respond when your teen acts like a jerk

donald — Sat, 02 Jan 2016 22:52:07 +0000

How would you react to a teenage son who screams at you with a megaphone? Hit him over the head with it? Pull out a larger one that screams louder? Or would you cave in to his demands just to silence the noise and end the embarrassment? How do you respond when your teen acts like a jerk? Look at the dad. What is he doing? None of the above. One thing for sure, he is not over-reacting. When I was a teen the megaphone was in the parent's hand. Today it is held by the teen. In reality, a megaphone is unnecessary. It doesn't do anything but destroy communication and disconnect families. Rid your home of the megaphone! We live in a culture that promotes rudeness and disrespect. This is one reason why your teen acts like a jerk sometimes. It can also be because you act like a jerk too. Or if you don't establish structure and discipline your teen may become a jerk. Some food for thought. So, what do you do? Here are 5 ways to respond when your teen is acting like a jerk.

Determine if this is a new behavior or a pattern

If it's new behavior you want to "nip it in the bud" (to coin a Barney Fife phrase). In other words, you want to address it with your teen right away. Let him/her know that rudeness is out and respect is the tone you expect to see when your teen is angry or frustrated. Put the megaphone down and let's talk. Now, if your teen has been acting like a jerk for sometime you have a more serious problem. You let it go on far too long. My sense is you are locked into a Megaphone Match--who can scream the loudest and last the longest in a battle. Put your megaphone down. Stop screaming. Get control over your emotions and behavior. Don't react. Like the dad in the picture, you want to respond.

Understand there is a message behind the megaphone

The megaphone is a distraction to the message. However, to your teen it is the tool that gets your attention. Inform your teen that you are interested in what they are trying to say but will not hear it through a megaphone. It is a more respectful way of saying, "Stop acting like a jerk!" Something is bothering your teen they need to express. Or maybe they want attention, but go to an extreme to get it. If you react to their drama it will reinforce a negative attention loop. Go positive. Be calm and ask your teen to talk without the megaphone with a promise that you will listen without interruption. This is an act of respect.

Agree to only communicate without megaphones

Choose to respond only when the megaphone is put away. This means, you will not talk to your teen when he is acting like a jerk. It also means, you won't be a jerk by screaming either. In fact, any form of jerky behavior is off limits. You may need a short "time out" in order to lower tension and settle emotions. Generally, this brief time will allow cooler heads to prevail and tee things up for a respectful conversation. If your teen complies, you can go to the next step. However, if your teen continues to act like a jerk you will need to enforce a consequence. I'll address this later.

Get to the heart of the issue with fairness and respect

Teens often want to express themselves and be understood. It is a part of growing up and connects with identify formation. What they need most from parents is to listen and understand them. You may not agree with everything you hear, but give them the respect to use their voice and be heard and understood. Stop and listen, that's all. Your teen may have a legitimate issue not decoded in the volume of the megaphone. In an open discussion, you can listen and respond to their concern with fairness and respect. Maybe you are over focusing on the negative and not acknowledging the positive in them. Perhaps there is a kernel of truth in their complaint. Are you willing to address this? If so, they might stop acting like a jerk.

Establish clear limits when your teen insists on acting like a jerk

A teen acting like a jerk must be intolerable if you want it to change. If you don't address it, the jerky behavior will set a tone of disrespect that will hijack your home. Let's say the son in this picture refuses to put down the megaphone. What's dad's next move? Hit him over the head with it? Pick up his own megaphone and start screaming? You cannot stop your teen from acting like a jerk by acting like one yourself! Swift consequences with a clear message about respect is what is called for here. Losing privileges for 24 hours is a good method for shaping behavior. In my book, Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict I use the terminology "restricting yourself" as a way to communicate to a teen that their disrespectful behavior has restricted them from something they expected to do that day. Here is an illustration of how to set limits and shape behavior. "Today you have restricted yourself from use of the car. Tomorrow is a new day son. I suggest you leave your megaphone in your room." The key is to enforce consequences not threaten them. Don't give your teen a soft landing if you want them to stop acting like a jerk.

Now it's your turn

Does your teen act like a jerk sometimes? Or, is it a daily act that is getting old? You do not have to put up with jerky behavior. What do you do that works? I'd be interested in hearing from you. Feel free to leave comments below or on one of my social media sites.

How to Have a Better Year Together

donald — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 21:31:00 +0000

What do you imagine would happen if you asked your mate--"Do you want to talk with me about how we can have a better year together?" Would you receive a warm smile and "sounds like a great idea!" response? Or might you get a suspicious look followed by a laundry list of complaints? Having a better year together will not be accomplished by the latter. However, it can happen when the two of you take a positive approach. In this two-week vlog I teach you how to come together to have a better year. With the help of my good friend Amanda Berlin I unpack this topic with 3 strategies that get you off to a good start. At the end of the video I present an amazing offer, limited to the first 5 couples who respond. Enjoy the video and leave comments on YouTube [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="How to Have a Better Year Together - Part 1" link="https://youtu.be/TVmyZIpuiW8"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How to Have a Better Year Together - Part 2

donald — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 21:43:21 +0000

Having a better year together is not complicated. Often it takes developing small habits. In this vlog, I share 5 fairly easy, yet powerfully effective habits you both can do to build positive sentiment in your relationship. Amanda Berlin and I get into some funny stories when we talk about humor in marriage. I promised our readers I would share a link to a short video she recommends. Look in the comments section by this video for the link. Don't forget about my offer at the end of the vlog. It may turbocharge your way to a better year together! [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="How to Have a Better Year Together - Part 2" link="https://youtu.be/9EDZiDgm6oU"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Valentine Gift Ideas that won't Cost a Penny

donald — Sun, 14 Feb 2016 12:32:36 +0000

The title of my blog may give the impression that I am a cheapskate when it comes to gift-giving on Valentines Day. The truth is Marian and I don't make a fuss over 2/14. No pressure to purchase a romantic gift. A sentimental card, preferably homemade does the trick. Our problem with Valentines Day is that prices are jacked up (flowers, restaurants, hotels, etc...) and it feels rather exploitative. That's just our opinion. Before I get in trouble with the ladies and a salute from the guys who usually botch a romantic event like Valentines Day, let me be clear. When it comes to romance I think couples should have a line item in your budget allocated for dinner dates, weekend getaways, and special gifts. This will give you several "red letter days" throughout the year to celebrate romance. Now if you are on a tight budget, yet you want to do something really sentimental, let me recommend some Valentines Day gift ideas that won't cost a penny. Here's the kicker. They may hold a higher value than something you bought in a store. The reason is, you put a lot of thought and effort into the gift, and it conveys to your mate how much they matter to you.

Make a Valentines Card

Remember we used to do this when we were kids. Cutting hearts out of construction paper, spreading Elmer's Glue, adding glitter, and with a crayon, writing something novel like, "Be my valentine." Today we have the advantages of storing photos on our computers and using one of several software apps to create artistic designs. This year, I used PicMonkey to design my card. It has a section dedicated to romantic art images, borders, and fonts. PicMonkey is a free app. It also has a more elaborate subscription service. The image above I designed using this app.

Create a Year in Pictures Album

I have done this several times for Marian. It is real easy to do. If you store your pictures on your computer's software program it likely has a feature that allows you to create photo albums. I own a Mac and the iPhoto app does the trick. Here's how it works.

From the File menu select "New Album"
Give the album a name. For example: "The Story of Us 2015"
Transfer pictures of the two of you from 2015 into the album.
Arrange the pictures in whatever form you wish.
Use the edit feature to mock up your pictures with captions.
Add a musical track of your favorite songs to go with the slide show.

Create a Romantic Date at Home

If you have kids this may be tricky but do the best you can. My hairstylist told me the other day that grandpa took her son for the weekend so the couple could have uninterrupted time together. If you have parents who can take the kids overnight, go for it. If not, don't let it stop you from creating space for a romantic date at home. Light some candles, draw a bath, add romantic music, and create a mini-spa. Offer each other a massage. By the way, scalp massages are wonderful. This will set things up for a romantic interlude. Afterwards you can nuke some popcorn, grab a pint of Ben n Jerry's, and lay in bed together watching a romantic movie on Netflix. Now for one of the most meaningful Valentines Day gift ideas that won't cost a penny.

Say Something Special You Haven't Said

This will require some reflection so don't rush your thought. It has to be special AND something you haven't said before. I remember one time sitting across from my wife in a restaurant and thinking about something I admired about her. It caught her by complete surprise when I said it and her eyes filled up with tears. Mine did too. I will never forget that moment. It taught me a valuable lesson about expressing sentiment. Something special is more than "You're a great cook" or "You're a hard worker." It has to be something unique about your mate. It could be character traits you admire or how thoughtful they are toward others. Perhaps it is something about their personality or some subtle beauty or handsomeness they display. I think you get the picture.

Watch funny YouTube Couple Clips

There are thousands of funny clips, many among them having gone viral. Recently, a subscriber shared this one with me. Allow me to set up the story before you watch the 18 second video. A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah. When the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.” The wife answered, “If that antelope survives, I agree to have sex every day for the rest of your life.” The deadly chase was captured on video. [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_video title="Antelope vs Cheetah" link="https://youtu.be/DYDIwOnXNc8"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Now its your turn

What one idea from these suggestions will you use today? Maybe you have a creative idea of your own. I'd love to hear it. Leave a comment below or on one of my social media sites. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

#1 Reason Why Couples Stop Trying - and what to do about it

donald — Sun, 21 Feb 2016 02:56:54 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]"Is it worth it?" This question arises often when I talk with individuals in marriages that are struggling. They come into see me to unpack their stories, work through problems, and find solutions to relationships. I get it. Marriage is hard. It takes two people working together. I'm often asked why couples stop trying. There are several answers to this question, many I have addressed in previous blogs. Today I want to focus on something I see often when it comes to "trying". In my view, it is the number one reason why couples stop trying. The #1 reason is the fear of the unknown. The unknown is uncertain. It can feel scary. Lurking in the shadows is the potential heartache of rejection, abandonment, and unrequited love. For this reason, couples unconsciously agree to stay stuck together. The "known" is a familiar, predictable, safe play. It goes like this--we are close enough to keep things functioning but not too close to get hurt. The fear of the unknown is avoided, but the relationship suffers potential intimacy. [Tweet "The #1 reason why couples stop trying is the fear of the unknown. Lurking in the shadows is the potential heartache of rejection, abondonment, and unrequited love."]

four common assumptions about the unknown

It's not worth it to try if my spouse won't try too

It can feel quite foolish to agree to work on something together, only to find you are the only one trying. The letdown hurts. It can leave you wondering if you really matter to your spouse. For this reason, some fear trying because in the past a spouse broke a promise to try too.

It's not worth it to try if it's never going to be good enough for my spouse

This is a common reason why men stop trying. A husband will try to work on things only to hear a criticism about his effort. He may make improvement in one area only to find his spouse unhappy about another. Her complaints become a drumbeat of failure. He feels like a loser and concludes, "No matter how much I try, it will never be good enough for my wife."

It's not worth it to try if my spouse stops trying later

This is what keeps many woman from trying. She is worried that the guy will try initially and quit later after she seems content. This is an awful strategy and it does severe damage. Not only does it break a woman's heart, but it also destroys her trust in the man.

It's not worth it to try and risk my heart being broken again

Some marital problems develop into hurtful patterns. Over the course of time, one spouse may romantically shut down on the other. They settle for companionship and let's say a good partnership in parenting and maintaining a household. However, to avoid the painful experiences of rejection or abandonment they keep the relationship at a safe distance.

three things to consider about the fear of the unknown

Assumptions are not 100% accurate

Based on intelligence gathered, US officials conducted the Iraqi War. They assumed they would find weapons of mass destruction. We know now their assumptions were inaccurate. For reasons I cannot go into here, couples become ripe for change. It can be frustrating especially for a spouse who was advocating for change only to have it fall on deaf ears. It is easy to assume that change is not worth trying. In many cases it is true, but not all.

Acknowledging your spouse's fear and doing something about it may help

The four fears I addressed above are legitimate. It is up to you to find out what fear(s) your spouse has and deal with it. If you failed to hold up to your end of an agreement to try, you are in a bad spot. Your word is meaningless and trust is broken. You have to decide if you are going to be serious and change. Don't make promises you can't keep. Understand the road to recovery is long. If you genuinely love your spouse then stay the course. Perhaps you have been guilty of being overly critical of your spouse. You point out mistakes and rarely if ever acknowledge the effort. This behavior defeats a spouse and weakens their will. In order to give the relationship a chance of succeeding you must regularly acknowledge your partner's effort to try.

The unknown can produce a surprisingly good outcome

Intimacy is scary good. It meets the basic need of love and belongingness. What makes it scary is the risk of loss of love. We all deal with it. However, when two people enter the unknown with honest intentions the outcome is surprisingly good. Often I have witnessed this with couples who risk the fear of the unknown and try together. It may take some time, but by sticking with it and doing what each other needs, their combined try gives them a surprisingly good outcome.

Now its your turn

Share your ideas and suggestions. Do you have a story with a surprisingly good outcome? We would like to know what worked for you. Feel free to leave comments below or on one of my social media sites.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/public-profile-settings?trk=prof-edit-edit-public_profile"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How Multigenerational Families Benefit Everyone

donald — Mon, 07 Mar 2016 01:17:46 +0000

The idea for this blog was unearthed after an interesting week of family interactions. It reminded me of how multigenerational families benefit everyone. Earlier in the week I was on the phone with my daughter and son-in-law who wanted to talk through some parenting challenges. I had a laugh later with my daughter as we relived some of our "not-so-finer" moments when she was a teenager and I was the parent pulling my hair out! The following day I did some FaceTime with my teenage grandson. We talked about adolescent angst and how to get a better handle on the pressures he's facing. I shared stories about my teenage life, my own struggles, and what I learned. It was a great conversation, one of many he and I have had over the years. We are looking forward to our guy's weekend this summer.

Attack on the Family

If you have close ties in your multigenerational family, consider yourself fortunate. We gain so much in the bond shared among the young and seasoned among us. Investing in these relationships is important. Kids in particular benefit from the influence of grandparents. Here's why. The concept of family hierarchy is inverted in our culture. In many homes, the seat of power is occupied by kids who mistakenly believe they outrank parents. This subliminal message enters through multiple portals: entertainment, marketing, and social media, to name a few. Evidence of this is seen in how kids behave toward their parents. They often act rudely, demanding, and defiant. The impact of this attack on the family concerns me. Home is supposed to be a safe haven not a war zone for family conflict. Respect is absent. Parents feel powerless to effect positive influence. They need help. Here's where grandparents play a key role.

Grandparents Provide Backup Support

In order to restore parental leadership and bring respect back in the home we need the support of grandparents. They provide the backup and help communicate the values we want our kids to embrace. Veterans of parenting, they have been through the war of raising kids--uh, that would be you. Grandparents have much to contribute that benefit you and your kids.

Kids benefit from the patience and wisdom of grandparents

Who take the time to listen to their complaints
Who help them understand things that don't make sense
Who always seem to know what to say or do that makes them feel better

Parents benefit knowing their kids have another set of eyes watching over them

To reinforce parental guidance
To provide them a break to go out on a date or weekend getaway.
To offer advice on how to deal with unique challenges

Grandparents enjoy the benefit of influencing another generation

Being a grandparent is awesome in itself!
Supporting their adult children in a new role.
Passing on family legacy to another generation.

I suppose I could write a book on how multigenerational families benefit everyone. Hopefully, this at least gives you something to consider about how it can help in your family. I also understand that for some readers, multigenerational support is lacking or perhaps toxic. For others still, grandparents are deceased. This is unfortunate. I know couples who "adopt" grandparents via close relationships with neighbors, friends, or fellow church members. Perhaps this could help fill the gap in your family.

Express some sentiment

I'd like to close this blog with a recommendation. If you enjoy the benefits of a multigenerational family, I encourage you to take a moment and think about a special way you can express some sentiment to the grandparents who love your kids and provide you backup. Even better, involve your kids! I offer this suggestion to you because I am a grandparent who was on the receiving end of something truly special that my five grandchildren gave me recently. They worked together and painted a mural that depicted self-expressions. My son-in-law added an amazing C.S. Lewis quote he painted in calligraphy. I proudly display it in my office. I'll end with the quote...

Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work. C.S. Lewis

How to keep your me when it becomes we

donald — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 01:55:05 +0000

Have you ever felt like this person? She feels overwhelmed and somewhat disconnected from herself. In a brief moment to ponder she asks, What happened to me when it became we?" This happens to a lot of people when they marry and start a family. It's not gender-specific. Men have questions too. "What happened to the guy who liked to laugh, blast music and work out all the time?" "Losing me" happens without warning. Expectations of raising a family mount rapidly. Before you know it, your life is completely wrapped up in tasks: spouse, parent, worker, etc... These are very fulfilling roles. However, if you're not careful, you can lose a sense of self. Personal margin can be reduced to a sliver. [Tweet "One of the biggest challenges facing couples today is balancing personal needs with family responsibilities."]

Obstacles to finding time for me

One of the biggest challenges facing couples today is balancing personal needs with family responsibilities. The mental obstacles are often the toughest to hurdle. Here are three of the toughest:

Time obstacle - never seems to be any left over for me
Perfectionism obstacle - If I want it done right I might as well do it myself
Guilt obstacle - it would be selfish of me to abandon my family

Finding time for me benefits we

The reason why most people don't take time for themselves is because they think that it will harm the family. So, they suck it up and dig in to the daily grind of doing for others and neglecting self. The problem with this approach is that you're personal tank runs on empty. This often results in high stress, poor attitude, and quick temper. I think you will agree, this does not benefit your spouse or kids. Establishing "me time" in your week "helps", not "hurts" your family. Finding margin to fill your tank will have a positive effect on everybody. You will likely have less stress and a more positive attitude when your personal tank is fueled.

Healthy relationships balance me and we

Before you married and started of family you were an independent person. You had personal interests and pursuits--these are things that connect you to your inner self. Later you added an interdependent self when you formed a committed relationship to your mate. This process of change is challenging because it requires accommodating each other without losing a sense of your self. Achieving a balance of independence and interdependence is a key to healthy relationships. Couples get quickly out of balance when they start a family. Many over focus on the needs of children. Kids' needs are important but taken to an extreme is not good for them or you. The most important thing you can do for your kids is be a healthy parent. This is also true in marriage. Giving attention to "me" generates a healthy "we".

how to keep your me when it becomes we

Here are 7 tips to help you keep your me.

Accept responsibility to take care of me - you owe it to yourself first and your family second to take care of you. Your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health matters.
Own your right to have time for me - advocate for your "me time" to your family. Help your spouse and kids understand that this is important. Don't give in when they whine or complain.
Start with something that is reasonable and achievable - it may be a morning walk or a soak in the tub with a novel. The key here is to find traction. You can establish rhythm later.
Reintroduce things you stopped doing that you enjoy - I went back to work-outs and playing basketball. I've been doing it for 15 years. What is your retro hobby or activity?
Try something new - my daughter started hot yoga. A mother a five can definitely use this as a stress reliever!
Establish quality alone time - disengage from media and be alone with your thoughts. Go for a walk. Take time to reflect. Connect with nature. It adds premium fuel to your tank!
Be kind to yourself - we can be our own worse critics! For this reason, many avoid spending time alone. I say change the channel. Make it a point to be kind to yourself. Think positive thoughts.
BONUS TIP: connect with your faith - by far, the most significant way I connect with me is through my faith. Who knows me better than my Maker? Here I find the virtues of unconditional love, grace, and kindness. Inner peace is found in the solitude of one's time with God.

Here are some resources

I offer a free guide to everyone who subscribes to my blog. It's called, "The Guide to Remarkable Relationships: 5 Steps to Become a Healthier and More Present Partner". If you are not a subscriber, you can fill out the form on the right. Very soon I along with my good friend Amanda Berlin, are launching "The All About We Podcast". We address relationship topics for couples and parents. We will unpack this blog much deeper as Amanda and I really get into the challenges we face finding balance. Several episodes are done and we are days away from broadcasting on iTunes and on my website.

Now it's your turn

Are you challenged to find your me in we? What strategy have you found that works for you? Feel free to post a comment below or on one of my social media sites.

3 Subtle Reactions that Threaten Your Marriage

donald — Sun, 17 Apr 2016 13:27:37 +0000

[powerpress] I noticed a reaction in me the other night that caught my attention. At first it was subtle--a little difficult to detect. But the more it played out in my mind, the stronger it felt. I was annoyed with my wife Marian. It wasn't like she did something major to annoy me. In fact, it was something occurs almost every night when she goes to bed. Marian asked me to bring her a glass of water. Internally I started complaining. "Why didn't you ask me earlier when I kissed you goodnight?" The problem wasn't her request. It was my reaction. I was annoyed because I was finally relaxing at the end of a long day and I just wanted some "me time". Her request didn't take much effort on my part, yet on the inside it felt like she asked me to draw her water from a spring in Fiji! This was a critical moment. I knew I had to get a grip on my attitude right away. My annoyance could have gotten me in trouble. Worse, it could form a pattern of thinking that could threaten our marriage. Unchecked negative attitudes form subtle reactions that threaten marriage. Here are 3 common reactions I observe among couples. [Tweet "Unchecked negative attitudes form subtle reactions that threaten marriage."]

Resistance

Why is a simple request like placing the coffee cup in the dishwasher not honored? What's the big deal? You ask. Your spouse agrees. Yet, the cup remains on the counter. Can it be chalked up to forgetting every time? Or, is their another subtle reaction going on? Resistance is a reaction that forms in marriages around the interplay of power between individuals. Like kids, we resist being told what to do. A request is heard like a command from a parent. The odds are in favor of non-compliance. This frustrates the spouse and can lead to one of many arguments. As you know, conflict is exhausting--which leads to the next subtle reaction.

Avoidance

In my work with couples, I usually start with a check-in. I want to know how the marriage fared between sessions. Sometimes I will get this response. "It was a better week, we didn't fight at all." When I inquire further, the answer I often hear is, "We were busy and didn't interact much." This is generally code for "we are avoiding getting into a fight". The avoidance strategy may help reduce conflict but it also increases distance in a marriage. Couples may find they are going through the motions minus the heart. This coping strategy serves short-term purposes (avoiding conflict) but it does long-term damage to the relationship. Getting close after months/years of avoidance is very challenging. [Tweet "Patterns of resistance and avoidance weaken the heart of the marriage."] Patterns of resistance and avoidance weaken the heart of the marriage. A lack of caring permeates the relationship and contributes to the third subtle reaction.

Resentment

Generally speaking, resentment forms differently for men and women in marriage. Women often say, "I don't think I matter enough to him." On the other hand, men complain, "No matter what I do, it's never good enough for her." These mantras contribute to the subtle formation of resentment. The build up of resentment will threaten your marriage. Resentment weakens the will to try. The heart of the marriage is failing.

Three Things You Can Do To Avoid These Reactions

You don't have to succumb to these subtle threats. Here are three things you can practice that will help you serve each other more honorably.

Monitor your attitude

When my wife asked me for a glass of water I had to deal with my attitude. She wasn't trying to deny me time alone. It was a simple request that held a special meaning for her. "I matter to him and he cares for me." Before you react with annoyance or resistance, get your attitude in check. We are supposed to take care of each other. If your wife asks you to put your cup in the dishwasher view it as an act of love, not control.

Adjust your approach

Sometimes resistance is a reaction to your approach. Think about your tone. Is it harsh, demanding, or critical? If so, you activated your spouse's resistance. You may need to adjust your approach. Power struggles often occur over little things when couples don't communicate well. You may want to address this in your marriage. Say something like this, "We are not doing a good job communicating about this. I'm not trying to control you. I am sorry if it came across that way. It means a lot to me when you put the coffee cup in the dishwasher. Believe it or not, but it reduces my stress level. I know that's important to you. It also makes me feel loved."

Act for the welfare of your marriage

Stubbornness does not serve your marriage. It's a poor use of time and energy. If you are stubborn, your spouse will likely reciprocate. Two stubborn people produce a boring marriage. Act for the welfare of your marriage. Respond to the request for help. Perform acts of kindness for your spouse. Develop a positive attitude. This can shift you out of an avoidant pattern and breathe new life into your marriage.

Now it's your turn

What is one subtle reaction you can work on changing for the next 7 days? Feel free to leave a comment below or on one of my social media sites.

All About We: Episode 00 About US

donald — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 00:09:28 +0000

[powerpress] Welcome to the first episode of ALL ABOUT WE, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful. With, the relationship expert you may know and love, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and relationship coach Don Olund, and co-host communication expert and self-improvement devotee Amanda Berlin. In this episode, we wanted to take the time to share with you our stories. We are going to dive into some serious, gritty relationship questions. And you're going to hear our personal, and professional, positions when it comes to these issues. So, we thought it was pretty important to give you some background on who we are and how we came around to doing what we do today. In this episode: We try to answer the questions "Who are we?" "Why are we doing this?" and "Why should you trust us?" Let us know if you're satisfied. Also, learn some details about our upbringings and personal pasts that we think really drove us to do what we are doing today Leave comments and questions here and any ideas you may have for future shows. If you have time, leave a comment and review for us on iTunes.

All About We: Episode 01 Why Try Saving a Relationship

donald — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 01:09:54 +0000

[powerpress] Welcome to All About We, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful with, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and relationship coach Don Olund and communication expert and self-improvement devotee Amanda Berlin. In this episode, we are talking about why we should even bother trying to save a relationship that feels like it's dying. Learn more about: The psychology behind our "need" for relationships What we need to do to really come together as a couple to work on repair Why "not" working on the relationship leads to more energy drain than sticking where you are P.S. There are a couple audio snafus in this one that we're aware of. Keep listening. Audio quality in future episodes is better. Sorry!

All About We: Episode 02 Why You Need to Lower Your Expectations

donald — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 19:33:28 +0000

[powerpress] Welcome to All About We, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful with, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach Don Olund and Communication Expert and Self-Improvement Devotee Amanda Berlin. This episode, we're diving into expectations, and why, maybe, you should consider lowering yours. A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, "Should Spouses Be Expecting Less From Marriage?" shows that the key to not being disappointed in your relationship could be lowering your expectations, and communicating clearly about what you really need and want. In this episode, we talk about: Relationship perceptions and stereotypes you should leave at the door to avoid having too-high expectations How to articulate your expectations so your spouse can hear them (and not zone out or get defensive) and act accordingly How to really stand behind your wants, needs and desires, and why SELF-respect is essential in this process Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear what you have to say. And please tell us what topics you'd like to hear us cover in the future. Finally, leave a comment or review in iTunes. We'd be ever-so-grateful!

All About We: Episode 03 What to Do When Your Woman Cries

donald — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 18:08:49 +0000

[powerpress] Welcome to All About We, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful with, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach Don Olund and Communication Expert and Self-Improvement Devotee Amanda Berlin. Today we are talking those salty things that come from the corner of your eyes when you're sad...or angry...or frustrated...or happy...or -- you get the point. Some of us wear our emotions on our sleeve. And, some others among us don't always get that or know what to do with it. Today we're talking about what to do when your partner is showing [maybe you'd call it extreme] emotions and you're not quite sure how to respond. You'll hear some tidbits on: How the ways we've been nurtured contributes to a misunderstanding of tears What to do when all your spouse can do is say "What can I do to make it stop?!?!" What to do when you're confronted with a crier (i.e. how to make it stop) How to ask for what you need in those emotional moments This is an issue near and dear to Amanda's heart -- hear her personal experience of dealing with being labeled "a crier." Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear what you have to say. And please tell us what topics you'd like to hear us cover in the future. Finally, leave a comment or review in iTunes. We'd be ever-so-grateful!

All About We: Episode 04 What Happened to ME When I Became a WE?

donald — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 18:11:04 +0000

[powerpress] Welcome to All About We, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful with Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach Don Olund and Communication Expert and Self-Improvement Devotee Amanda Berlin. Today we are talking about ME! Well, not me, really. You, but you, in your relationship and what happened to all the things that make you YOU when you became a WE. We fulfill a lot of different roles in our lives, professional and personal. Employee, boss, spouse, parent, child, sibling, cousin, aunt. When roles shift the world can feel off-kilter. So when we enter into a committed relationship and become part of a couple, it's no wonder there's an adjustment period. We need to reexamine who we are as individuals and as an individual as a partner in a relationship. In this episode learn about: How we found our ME in the first place How do we hold sacred the ME when we become a WE What happens to us when we feel lost and how we can reclaim peace and ease Don and Amanda's own ME evolutions, including some quirky habits and epiphanies in aloneness Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear what you have to say. And please tell us what topics you'd like to hear us cover in the future. Finally, leave a comment or review in iTunes. We'd be ever-so-grateful! P.S. Here are Amanda's favorite This American Life picks!

Amanda's All-Time Faves: (so many good ones. these are the ones that most readily came to mind)

What I Learned From Television

Nice Work If You Can Get It

Return to the Scene of the Crime

Home Alone

Allure of the Mean Friend

How to Rest in Peace

About relationships:

The Break-Up

Infidelity

Life and Health and Family Dynamics:

Big Wide World

Switched at Birth

Dr. Gilmer and Mr. Hyde

Chicago Relevant:

Harper High Part One

Harper High Part Two

10 Steps to Move Past the Past

donald — Sun, 24 Apr 2016 09:29:25 +0000

[powerpress] "Oh, that's water under the bridge." This is a statement some make who think you cannot change what has happened in the past. Is moving forward as simple as that? Hardly, but it is the approach some take when they don't know what to do. "Can we move past the past?" I am asked this question often in my work with couples. It's complex. No easy answer here. In the end, it is really up to the people involved. Can couples move past the past? The short answer is "yes". I see it happen often. It requires a mutual effort. Not an easy task. Nonetheless, you must work at it together. Most couples I know want to move past the past. It's not an issue of "want to", but "can do". As you might imagine, I see a myriad of marital problems in couples counseling. Some marriages have complex problems. Therefore, some couples navigate their past more easily more easily than others. Here's three likely outcomes of dealing with the past.

Couples remain hopelessly mired in the past together.
Couples move past the past together.
One person chooses to move past the past alone.

I wish I could say it is easy to move past the past. As you know, it's not. But I can say it is worth it if you do. I see some couples end up with stronger relationships because they are forced to work harder and stop taking each other for granted. As painful as it may be working through the past, they are not defined by it. Instead, they collaborate on a new script for their marriage, something that is honest and caring. If you are in a relationship that feels stuck by problems in your past let me offer 10 steps you can take to move past your past.

Step 1: Have the courage to face your past.

You cannot erase your past or bury it somewhere. It is a factual part of your history. If you try to suppress the past it will leak out in some other form. Feelings of hurt, betrayal, or resentment can manifest in unrelated areas. Painful events in your history must be confronted if you want to move forward. It requires courage by both of you to do this. Your outlook on your marriage can improve as you work on this together.

Step 2: Own your part of the past.

Ownership is a critical component in resolving issues in the past. You must accept personal responsibility for your actions without blaming others. Not only this, but you need to articulate how your action(s) specifically hurt your spouse.

Step 3: Seek to understand the extent of harm from the perspective of your mate.

Here is where the relationship has the greatest potential of surviving the past. When the person whose actions inflicted harm treats the wound carefully. It's not as simple as putting a bandaid over it. You have to ask questions of a physician. "Can you tell me where it hurts the most? To what degree is your pain?" The answers may be hard for you to hear, but you cannot follow the rest of the steps without this important information. Empathy for your spouse is critical at this juncture.

Step 4: Repair the wound to the best of your ability.

A simple "I'm sorry" statement is not enough. A confession includes being able to state an awareness of the extent of harm your actions caused. Healing is contingent upon your ability to address the problem from the perspective of your mate. In other words, your spouse needs to feel a sense of true remorse. Here is my 5 step plan to repair harm.

Admit you are at fault.
Accept responsibility for your actions without blaming others.
Acknowledge how your actions specifically hurt your spouse.
Ask for forgiveness.
Agree that you will work on changing the behavior that caused harm.

Step 5: Allow time to heal the pain.

Wounds properly treated heal over time. During this period, the relationship may not feel as close as it did before. This is normal. Safety returns as emotions heal. Closeness will return as you establish security. Don't try to rush this process or become impatient. If so, you can expect a setback in recovery.

Step 6: Resist the impulse to relive the past in order to punish the offender.

Toxic couples form unhealthy patterns of recovery that keep them in triage. One I see often is when the wounded spouse repeatedly relives the event(s) in order to punish the offender. This interplay of power is used as a means of control to prevent future harm. Unfortunately, the dominating pattern does not heal the marriage, but hurts it further.

Step 7: Learn from your mistakes to become better people.

Offenses in marriage can serve as a wake-up call to the couple. I see this a lot. As couples peel back the layers they often come to realize that they were taking their marriage for granted. Culpability on some level is mutual. Neglect leads to drift, which left unchecked exposes the marriage to potential risks. You get the picture. If you decide to learn from your mistakes you can become better people. Two people committed to working on themselves have the potential to change their marriage too. Do you know your mistakes? Are you committed to change them?

Step 8: Develop healthier relationship patterns.

The couples I know who move past the past, develop healthier relationship patterns. They don't avoid problems, they confront them. These couples are more aware of their feelings and honest with each other. Furthermore, they prioritize their marriage by giving it the time and attention it needs to grow. So yes, they do regular dates, find time to get away, etc... Most importantly, they learn to communicate better, listen to one another, and accommodate in order to meet each other's needs.

Step 9: Show respect when triggered by the past.

Some events are traumatic. Memories are triggered, often unexpectedly. It can be confusing, especially if you feel like you are recovering. Triggers are normal. Don't react negatively when they occur. Show respect toward each other. Repeat step 4. It will likely subside and you will be back on track.

Step 10: Reframe how you view the past.

Reframing the past comes much later as the relationship heals, trust is rebuilt, and intimacy is restored. It is the ability to look at a painful event with fresh eyes. "The worst time in our life marked the beginning of our journey to discover the best time." This sounds much better than, "It's water under the bridge."

Now it's your turn

Are you having difficulty moving past your past? Review the 10 steps. What step(s) do you want to work on?

7 Things Your Kid Wants From You But Will Never Ask

donald — Sun, 01 May 2016 03:39:48 +0000

You dream of being a parent one day. Then it happens. Your firstborn arrives and is carefully placed in your arms. As you gaze upon your infant, indescribable joy floods your heart and tears fill your eyes. "I am a parent, and you are my baby." Thus begins the journey of life together. Ahh, such wonderful bliss... Fast-forward a few years and bliss is swept away by a blizzard of activity with no end in sight. You fund the endless list of resources while making sure you never miss an event. As you drive, your kid listens to music, fights with a sibling, and orders you to stop at a drive-thru. At home, your kid has mastered the art of making a mess. Homework is contest of wills. Chores are an allergy that one must avoid at all cost. Rules mean nothing. Rights mean everything. Kids rule. Parents serve. Welcome to parenting in the new millennium. Does your dream of a happy family sometimes feel like a nightmare? You're not alone. Hierarchy is inverted in our culture. Kids today do not respect parents as authority figures. It's not their fault. It's ours. Ask the average parent what he/she thinks kids want from them and they describe things: expensive clothes, gadgets, or money. On the surface, this is true. Kids are materialistic. Yet, deep down inside they want things from their parents they don't vocalize. It's a kept secret. Let me unlock it for you. Here are 7 things kids want from parents but will never ask, nor admit for that matter. Be prepared to be surprised.

Your kid wants you to get control over the family

Kids can gain control over a family easily. Mood, attitude, and behavior are a few ways they manipulate parents. When you give in to avoid conflict they view you as weak. Veiled threats mean nothing to kids. They know how things play out. In the end they get their way. Guess what? Deep down inside they don't want to be in control. They prefer you have it. Kids want to know that you are stronger than their emotions and willful behavior. They want you to be the leader and set the tone for the family.

Your kid wants you to set limits

Kids crave power, but too much of it scares them. As mobile toddlers, they love their newfound independence, however when they fall or get lost in a room, who do they come crying to? It's no different as they progress through the stages of development. Kids still need their parents for security and safety. I learn a lot from the teens who come for counseling. Some indict their parents for being too soft and easily to manipulate. Imagine a teen complaining to me in counseling that he resents his parents for not setting limits! It's happened more than once in my counseling office.

Your kid wants you to enforce consequences consistently

Kids function better when they know what's expected of them. Structure with limits and consequences help them navigate their world. If limits are weak and consequences unenforced, kids take advantage and do as they please. This results in resistance, disrespect, and power struggles in which the outcome usually favors the kid. Parents cave in way too much. Kids feel safe when you establish limits and enforce consequences. It may not seem that way on the surface. But it is what they know they need. You won't agree with what I say until you do it consistently and see the outcome.

Your kid wants you to trust him/her to learn from their mistakes

The worst thing you can do for your kid is to give him/her a soft landing on a problem they create for themselves. Do this repeatedly and it establishes an unhealthy pattern. Several years ago I worked with a family who had a teenage son that punched holes in the wall when he was angry. His father patched them and repainted the wall. When I heard this I asked, "So you punch the holes and dad, you patch them. How's this arrangement working?" This teenager was given a soft landing until dad decided to enforce consequences and allow his son to learn from his mistakes. Later the dad taught his son how to patch the holes and made him do the repairs. As you can imagine, the teen learned from his mistakes and found a better way to deal with his anger.

Your kid wants you to love him/her unconditionally

Kids see the disappointment on a parent's face and conclude they are not loved. It is hard to be loving after your son or daughter lashes out verbally or acts in some disrespectful manner. They think love is tied into performance. "When I do what you want, then you feel love for me." It is important that you communicate to your kids that your love does not fluctuate on a behavior barometer. They need to know you love them as much when they behave poorly as you do when the behave well. Performance-based love is hard to live up to. Unconditional love motivates kids to reciprocate with respect.

Your kid wants you to know what's going on inside of them

This may be hard to believe, but your kids want you to know what's going on inside of them. However, they are afraid of your reaction. Kids want to be heard and understood. However, when parents over-react or correct their kids, they feel judged and shamed. If you want your kids to tell you what is going on inside of them then you need to do a couple of things.

Be calm in your demeanor.
Listen with the intent to understand.
Validate their thoughts and feelings.
Commend them for their maturity to talk.
Offer advice or guidance at the end.

Your kid wants you to spend fun time with him/her

I remember when I was a kid some friends talking about how their dads came out to play baseball with them and afterwards they had a bonfire. My dad worked a lot and did not spend much time with me when I was little. As a teen we played pingpong a few times a week. I enjoyed it. When my boys were young we played basketball in our drive way with all the other kids on the block. Today parents watch their kids from the bleachers. I'm not opposed to this but I think kids are in too many organized sports and activities. Families do not have enough down time to play board games or have squirt gun fights in the backyard. Adult kids are more likely to have memories of you playing together than sitting on the sidelines watching them perform.

Now it's your turn

So now you know what your kids want but will never ask. If you look over the list of seven and think about your childhood it may ring true. On the surface, I didn't like how my parents set limits and enforced consequences. But I knew it was good for me. Looking back, I appreciate that they gave me what I needed. So, how do you fare in giving your kid what he/she wants? What do you think you need to focus on today?

All About We: Episode 6 Part 2 How to Move Past the Past

donald — Thu, 05 May 2016 21:05:47 +0000

[powerpress] Today we tackle the second 5 steps in how to get past the past. For the first five, check out part 1 of this episode in this article, Ten Steps to Move Past the Past. As always, tell us what you think. We’d love to hear what you have to say. Leave a comment here. Tell us what topics you’d like to hear us cover in the future. Find us on iTunes, take two seconds to subscribe and leave a review.

How to Be the Leader Your Kid Needs Now

donald — Sat, 07 May 2016 18:35:44 +0000

[powerpress] The response to my last blog, 7 Things Your Kid Wants From You But Will Never Ask, was enormous. Scores of people shared it on their social media sites. So, a big thank you! It seems prudent to follow up with a blog to help parents get at some of the things your kid wants but will never ask. I am not going to barrage you with a list of things to do. Instead I want to focus on one simple concept. Being the leader your kid needs now. Deep down inside, your kid wants you to be 3 things: loving, firm, and fun. Do you possess all three on a consistent basis? If you waver in these areas your kid will react negatively in one way or another. They need you to be the leader who sets the tone for the family. Every parent can be a leader by taking control in these 5 areas. [Tweet "Deep down inside, your kid wants you to be 3 things: loving, firm, and fun."]

Taking control over negative beliefs about your parenting

One of the places many parents get stuck is in their head. Guilt and fear are primary negative beliefs that drive their decisions. Here are a few examples of guilt scripts. "I am not doing enough for my kid... I'm not around enough for my kid...I'm not giving my kid what he wants..." Fear scripts may sound like this. "I fear my kid will fail... I am afraid I will ruin my kid... I am afraid my kid won't like me... I am afraid my kid is making me look like a bad parent...I am afraid I will fail as a parent..." Negative beliefs contribute to defeatism. Beliefs inform behavior. Parents on the run repeat patterns based on fear and guilt hoping that somehow things will improve down the road. It is important to change your script. Your parenting approach will change accordingly. Here are a few examples of positive scripts (beliefs). "I live in a world of imperfect parents. Therefore I choose not to beat myself up." "I choose love over fear as the primary motivation for my decisions." "If I say no it's not the end of the world. My kid will get over it." I have a special offer! For this week only, everyone who subscribes (free) to my new, "The All About We Podcast" with co-host, Amanda Berlin, will receive a free copy of "How To Rewrite Negative Scripts". Click here to subscribe.

Taking control over your negative attitude toward your kid

When conflict patterns develop in parent-child relationships negative attitudes develop. This forms a posture for future interactions. Brains form default attitudes that activate when a scent of conflict is in the air. "I can't stand being around her. She always pushes my buttons." "He is just a defiant kid. No matter what I say, he's not going to listen." Kids can detect the negative attitude. It reinforces their own mistaken belief that they are not loved. If you want to be the leader your kid needs now you have to get control over your negative attitude. Your "button-pushing" kid is looking for attention. Try giving it to her in a positive manner. Your defiant son is willful and being assertive. Perhaps these are positive traits, simply taken a little too far. Changing your attitude will shift your interaction from negative to positive. Again, be the leader who sets the tone. Be loving and firm, and your kid will comply. More on tone in a moment.

Taking control of your emotions and reactions in the heat of battle

Before you can expect your kid to exercise emotional control, you must get a grip on your's first. Emotional control is developed early in infancy and childhood through interactions with a parent. This process continues into adolescence and matures in adulthood--hopefully. When you are in conflict with your kid, it is crucial that you control your emotions and reactions. In this podcast I walk you through some simple steps. I use these personally and coach them to my clients.

Taking control of establishing a tone of respect in the family

Who sets the tone in your family? We are talking mood, type and quality of interaction. Work on your tone being positive, loving and firm. Do not allow your child's negative mood to hijack the house. Coach your child into working on changing his mood. This is accomplished by you maintaining your tone of respect. In my book, "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without Conflict" I go in depth on how parents can establish a tone of respect in the family. It begins with showing respect to your kid even when you're buttons are being pushed. Establishing boundaries on how people talk and act toward each other maintains a tone of respect in the home. If someone is out of line, the parent needs to step in and address it right away. This calls for leadership. This is what your kid wants from you now.

Taking control of your calendar to create more time for family fun

I am deeply concerned about what I call the "modern day runaway train". It is the family calendar. It is moving down a daily track at high speed with no one manning the control. Activities are plugged in without consideration of the overall impact on the family. Entire households are on the run from dusk to dawn. Weekends are spent running from ballfields to rehearsals. [Tweet "I am deeply concerned about what I call the "modern day runaway train". It is the family calendar."] I hear the complaints, the worries and concerns from parents about their busy schedules. Yet, from week-to-week, month-to-month, and year-to-year nothing changes. Everyone is stressed to the max, on edge, and on each other's nerves. Very little margin is left for fun and relaxation. Chores, homework, or work tasks stare you in the face. What you're missing is fun, pure fun. When is the last time you had unplanned, spontaneous fun with your kid playing a board game, squirt gun fight, or hide-n-seek? (Netflix doesn't count.) Your kid needs to experience fun with you. These are the things they will remember years from now. By taking control of your calendar to create time for family fun you will be the leader your kid needs now.

Now it's your turn

5 things you can do to be the leader your kid needs now. What is one thing out of the 5 you can do work on now? Leave your comment below or on one of my social media sites.

How to Own Your Stuff Without Beating Yourself Up

donald — Sun, 15 May 2016 00:32:04 +0000

Do you find it difficult to relax? You work from sunrise to moonlight, exhausted as you collapse in bed, yet finding it difficult to sleep because you are worried about how to tackle tomorrow's agenda. When someone pays you a compliment, do you have a hard time accepting it? Your inner critic blocks it by silently reminding you of several things you did earlier in the day that were subpar. Is it hard to admit when you are wrong? You work so hard to avoid mistakes because to fail is unacceptable, a sure sign you are a unsuited for the job of spouse, parent, or worker. If you said "yes" to one or more of these questions you probably beat yourself up---a lot. Guess what? You're not alone. You belong to a huge tribe of secret self-punishers. Beating yourself up sounds extreme doesn't it. That's because it is. Look, we all make mistakes or have habits we want to break. It's "our stuff". Owning it is important. However, there are more respectful and effective ways to go about it. You can own your stuff without beating yourself up by making 5 clever decisions

Get to the root of the problem - your faulty belief system

Your main problem is not your stuff--it's how you think about your stuff. If you're beating yourself up regularly then it is very likely you have some rigid standards about performance. In other words, you operate by a high bar. High bar people have to be perfect, can't make mistakes, and if they do, others are not permitted to see them. To avoid a beating of the self, some people use denial and blame to deal with "stuff". When that doesn't work, one is forced to accept responsibility. The underlying belief system doles out the punishment. Let the beatings begin. If you want to do a better job owning your stuff, it begins by getting to the root of the problem--identifying your faulty belief system. Here are some examples. "I have to be perfect. I cannot make mistakes. I cannot show weakness." This is a faulty belief system. "If I make mistakes or do something wrong it is unacceptable and I deserve to be punished." This too is a faulty belief system. If you want to own your stuff without beating yourself up, you have to change your faulty belief system.

Take an honest look at the impact of your faulty belief system

How do you look after you beat yourself up? Look at the emotional bruises. Some people actually punish themselves physically with cuts and bruises. What is the status of your self-esteem? If you feel worse, feel ashamed, depressed, or think only negatively, you have done great harm to yourself. Think honestly about your relationships. How are they impacted by your faulty belief system? Are you extremely defensive? Are you rigid in your thinking? Do people have to walk on eggshells around you? Do you have intense battles because you resist owning your stuff? If your faulty belief system is causing you and those you care about harm, then it is time you do something about it. Again, the main problem is not your stuff. It's how you think about your stuff. [Tweet "Your main problem is not your stuff--it's how you think about your stuff. "]

Introduce yourself to a new way of looking at your stuff

It's time to change your faulty belief system. Easier said than done. I know, I understand. However, it's time to make some introductions to a modified belief system. Relationships begin with an introduction. Repeated encounters develop a stronger relationship. You currently have a relationship with The Constant Critic. This is the belief system that tells you how things should be and beats you up when you fail to meet the standard. It's time for a new relationship. Introducing The Compassionate Coach. Here are some of the traits of the Compassionate Coach.

Believes your inner core is good
Does not expect perfection
Does not judge you or show approval based on performance
Confronts problems honestly with empathy
Identifies teachable moments to promote personal growth

Confront the Constant Critic

Rather than beat yourself up, why not take on the Constant Critic? This is the voice in your head that is causing all the problems. The Constant Critic is the high bar setter, the weapon handler, the negative drum beater. It needs to be silenced! When confronted with "your stuff" the Constant Critic starts the chatter. Refuse to cower. Confront the Constant Critic with courage and set your boundary. "I refuse to give you attention. You're intent is to punish me by making me feel bad about myself. I will listen only to the voice of the Compassionate Coach." Having drawn a line in the sand, rehearse the messages of the Compassionate Coach. "I am not a perfect person. As a fellow human being I will make mistakes. I can own them without shame. I can take responsibility for my actions and learn from my mistakes to grow as an individual."

Show yourself some compassion

People with high bars have a shame core and tend to lack empathy for themselves. Instead they will be harder on themselves in order to avoid future mistakes. This highly negative and punitive approach may be a motivator to work harder but it doesn't make one feel good about themselves on the inside. The core remains shameful. If you want to be able to own your stuff without beating yourself up you will need to show yourself some compassion. Extend yourself some grace. The Constant Critic needs to be silenced again, and the Compassionate Coach can speak some healthy truth to your stuff.

Now it's your turn

Are you a former self-punisher? Share your secret in how you learned to own your stuff without beating yourself up. Leave a comment below. Do you beat yourself up over your stuff? Share one thing you plan to do today to stop this pattern.

How to ask for what you need...and actually get it!

donald — Sun, 22 May 2016 12:55:44 +0000

It shouldn't be that complicated right? After all, you're not asking for a lot--maybe just a little help from him with the kids. You want her to cut back a little on spending. By the reaction it might seem you were asking for their right arm! Why is it so hard getting my partner to meet my needs? That's a loaded question. If you are a frequent reader of my blogs you're learning that couples develop patterns. Earlier in the relationship getting needs met was fairly simple. You were eager to do things for each other. Somewhere along the way you two got away from "feeding the need meter". I'll explain what this means. You can actually get needs met in your relationship by developing these 5 habits.

Feed the need meter

Marriages are interdependent. Strength of a couple bond is determined in part by servicing needs. Let's face it--men and women are needy, but not in a weak way. We seek basic needs from each other. Needs for attention, support, understanding, etc... Couples must regularly feed the need meter. How would you grade your meter feeding habit? Answer honestly. If you're good at feeding the meter then it will be a lot easier to get your needs met. If you haven't developed this habit you cannot expect much. You need to get moving and feed the meter now. To be clear, feeding the need meter is not doing what you think your mate needs. Guys, a dozen of roses are nice, but she may need you to help her with the kids. Ladies, he doesn't need a new shirt, he needs a smaller Visa bill. So, before you think about how you can actually get your need met be sure you're feeding the meter too.

Choose the right time to ask

Take a look at the infographic above. What do you notice? The couple are in a coffee shop, sipping cappuccinos, and holding hands. They are out of the home environment, away from distractions, focused on each other. I get the sense they are treating themselves to well-earned time together. If you want to increase the probability that your partner will hear and respond to your need, choose the right time to ask. Often we ask in frustration during the heat of battle. "Can I get a little help over here???" Communication gets distorted by our filters--how things are said and heard. Negative patterns form quickly when couples communicate on the run. To break this pattern you will need to choose a better time and place to have a conversation.

Choose the right tone to ask

"It's not what you say, but how you say it." Have you heard this before? The tone we use in getting our needs met is a key factor in outcome. If the tone is critical or disrespectful then you will likely get resistance. If you get compliance it comes with resentment. I want you to understand the effect tone has in relationships. The tone of voice. The non-verbal tone of actions. The huff or rolling of eyes sets a negative tone. Sitting across a table holding hands sets a positive tone. It conveys a message--"We are here for each other." Before you present a need to your spouse, rehearse your tone. I recommend you begin with a compliment, an acknowledgment of something positive about your partner. This sets a respectful tone. Follow-up with your request.

Answer the why question

Why is this important to me? You may know the answer, but your spouse may not. Consequently, it may seem as important therefore ignored or dismissed as trivial. Or your partner may draw wrong conclusions about the intent of your request. Answering the why question avoids misassumptions about your intention. Answering the why question about your request for help with the kids has to connect with your need. "Because you're their father!" is a criticism at his parenthood. "Because it allow me to focus on getting dinner on the table without distraction" conveys how it helps you. Again, explaining this over a cup of coffee is more effective than during the heat of battle in the kitchen.

Explain how it will benefit both

"What's in it for we?" Do you like the sound of it? I do. In The All About We Podcast, I help couples focus on how to think and act in terms of mutual benefit. If you can balance "me" with "we" in how you think about your relationship, you will do better at getting your needs met. When you plan to make your request, think about how it will benefit your partner too. This will increase the probability of buy-in followed by effort to deliver. Here are some examples of explaining how it will benefit both. "Helping with the kids de-stresses me and I have more energy in the tank for you later tonight." "Paying attention to the monthly budget de-stresses me and I can put some money aside for a weekend getaway with you." How to ask for what you need encompasses more than what is happening in the moment. Bad habits form when couples communicate on the run. I recommend you carve out time, get together for a latte, have some positive conversation, then make your request using this format. Make this a habit.

Now it's your turn

What is your main takeaway? How will you take action? Leave your comment below.

Hey Parents! How to avoid a mediocre marriage

donald — Sat, 28 May 2016 21:15:09 +0000

[powerpress] The other day, an article caught my attention in the Guardian, a United Kingdom publication. It is entitled, Want to Save Your Marriage? Don't have kids. Please don't read it until you finish my blog. Trust me, it will help! Honestly, there was nothing new in the article I did not know. Several years ago research found that marital satisfaction declines once couples start a family. I've written about this too. Let's face it, you don't need experts to alert you to this. Marital satisfaction decreases once kids come along. It happens to all of us. The key is not eliminating it, but controlling it. [Tweet "Marital satisfaction decreases once kids come along. It happens to all of us. The key is not eliminating it, but controlling it."]

Why the Decline in Marital Satisfaction?

The blessing and burden of raising a family is that everyone wants attention. Unfortunately, there's just not enough of you to go around! Kids, especially when they are young require a lot of time and energy. Marriages can quickly move to the back burner and simmer while you focus mainly on kids, work, and managing a household. Make sense? I see your head nodding. The article warns of the risk raising kids imposes on a relationship. I get it. You do too. It doesn't mean that having children is a mistake or a death sentence on your marriage. What it does suggest is that you need to consider how to balance these all important relationships. If you don't you can end up with a mediocre marriage. Who likes the sound of that? So, let's take a look at 5 things to focus on to avoid having a mediocre marriage.

Focus on your priorities on the expectations you have about marriage

Do you remember the vows you made to each other the day you married? I've conducted several weddings over the years and the key moment in the ceremony is the exchange of vows. Some people go traditional, while others author their own. These vows are public declarations of intent to love, cherish, support, invest and be loyal to each other "till death do us part". So, how are you tracking so far? If you regularly carve out time together, have quality conversations, pursue romance, and establish a rhythm of meeting each other's needs, then you're doing pretty good. If you're out of focus, I recommend you re-examine your priorities. Give your relationship some front burner time. I encourage you to spend some time together and revisit your vows and realign your priorities. Discuss your expectations about family life. What did you envision? Did it include a healthy marriage?

Focus on your relationship too!

Families today are over-focused on kids. I think this is an over-reaction to a previous generation that ignored kids and focused on chasing the American Dream. The over-attention kids receive is not good for them. Consequently, we see kids today who are more demanding and parents who are over-compliant. Divert some attention to your marriage. Don't worry, your kids won't suffer! In fact, kids function better under a healthy marriage. If you're not taking care of your marriage, your kids suffer. Is your marriage on the family calendar? I'm not talking family time or play dates for the kids. Make room in your calendar for romantic and play dates with your spouse. Guys, take the lead on this one!

Train your kids to focus on responsibility to the family

If you are an educated parent you know your child has to complete certain developmental tasks as a part of their human growth and development. Social responsibility is one. Industry is another. Train your kids how to behave socially in your home by how they communicate with you and each other. I cover this at length in my book Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without Conflict. Here, I also address the importance of training kids to have age-appropriate responsibilities. This teaches them how to be industrious while making a contribution to the family. Do you remember the word "chores"? It was a common term in families a few generations ago. Today it is hardly spoken. I recommend you reintroduce it so that your kids are trained for adulthood. When your kids are making a contribution it gives you time and energy to spend some quality time together as a couple.

Focus on supporting the breadwinner(s)

Providing for the family is a huge burden on the breadwinner(s). Most breadwinners are worried about having enough bread. You can support this person by being mindful of the family budget. Marital satisfaction is affected by the way couples approach money. If you do not respect the breadwinner, then expect problems.

Focus on supporting the isolated parent

A stay-at-home parent makes major sacrifices for the cause of the family too! This person, often the female, faces several tough adjustments. There is the loss of career focus, loss of contact with adults, and loss of identity needs. Soon, I will devote an entire blog to this subject, but suffice it to say, this parent often feels isolated and misunderstood. You can support the stay-at-home parent by accommodating her/his need for personal time. It could be as simple as a soak in the tub or as a big as going out socially with friends or to take a course. Being an advocate for your spouse will pay dividends in your marriage.

Check out the podcast

I take this topic on a deeper dive in the podcast with my cohost Amanda Berlin. I also list 5 benefits you get in your family by focusing on your marriage. You can listen to by clicking play at the top of this blog. For regular feeds, subscribe on iTunes.

Now it's your turn

Out of the 5, what is one area you plan to focus on right now? Post a comment below.

The One Thing You Need to Understand About Your Pregnant Wife...and 5 Ways to Deliver Support

donald — Sun, 05 Jun 2016 02:52:01 +0000

[powerpress] I remember watching a comedy show years ago when the main character dreamt that spores contaminated the water supply and impregnated men. It was hilarious watching guys struggle through pregnancy and deliver their dream baby: sail boat, sports car, and 4ft hero sandwich. It reminded me of how men don't fully understand what women encounter with pregnancy. Let's face it guys, when it comes to having a baby our job is fairly simple. We provide the male egg, wait for nine months, snap pictures with our newborn, pass out cigars, and go back to work. I know guys are getting involved more in the process and that is huge. However, in comparison, our women do the heavy lifting--and for that matter, the breathing too! In my professional work, I hear women express mixed feelings joy and worry about pregnancy. They face many challenges and adjustments. Women need their men to understand something big about having a baby. So guys, here is one thing you need to understand about your pregnant wife and 5 ways you can deliver support.

Your wife makes major sacrifices during and after pregnancy

Because we will never experience pregnancy, guys have a limited understanding of the sacrifice women make. Here are a few ways.

She sacrifices her body during pregnancy

Anatomical and physiological changes start soon after pregnancy. Perhaps you've witnessed "morning sickness" in the first trimester. Before long a "baby bump" appears and clothes no longer fit. This may not seem like a big deal to you since guys often get a pass on the "beer belly". However, women feel a lot of pressure to look attractive. Changes in body shape are profoundly significant throughout pregnancy. Your wife also has to pay close attention to diet since now she is eating for two. To accommodate she has to modify her eating habits, not to mention alcohol and use of medication. Hormonal changes appear throughout pregnancy which can be emotionally turbulent for your pregnant wife.

She sacrifices her active life

Further into pregnancy, your wife has to adjust her active life to accommodate the pregnancy. Some of the activities and social events she once did freely are put on hold during pregnancy. She may be able to attend some events but choose not to because she is tired or "feels pregnant".

She sacrifices her career

When pregnancy occurs in a family, men's careers are hardly impacted. We just go about our jobs. Women on the other hand have several things to consider. Among them, how long she will work, how much time she will take off, or in some cases, will she put her career on hold. If she does hit the pause button on her career, your wife faces the challenge of getting back into it and being up to speed on advancements in the industry.

5 Ways You Can Deliver Support

Now that you on some level understand the sacrifice your pregnant wife makes, here are some ways you can deliver support to her.

#1: Become an educated future dad on pregnancy

You know those pregnancy books piled on her nightstand? It might be good to pick one up and start reading it. If you really want to score points, read the books with your pregnant wife! The more you learn about the stages of pregnancy, the better prepared you are to support her.

#2: Get involved in the pregnancy

Now that you are informed because you're reading the books and doing the Google research, you are more prepared to be involved. In as much as possible, attend doctor's visits and ask questions. When morning sickness begins, be ready if she needs you. Rub her back, grab the bucket, hold her hair back when she vomits. Do what she asks without complaining. Also, be prepared on a moment's notice to run to the store and satisfy her food cravings! A woman feels more secure and prepared for pregnancy when she has your support. She will also feel closer to you. Your pregnant wife wants you to be excited about the process, not just the outcome.

#3: Provide emotional support throughout

Expect your wife's emotions to be erratic during the course of pregnancy. Hormonal changes do impact mood and emotions. Don't forget she is going through profound physical changes as well. She does not need you to fix her. Just listen, show empathy, and remind her that you will get through it together. Be prepared in the event your wife has postpartum depression, commonly known as "baby blues". You may be confused how she can be "down in the dumps" after having a baby. It may not seem rational to you but you need to respond on an emotional level with some reassurance. Coach her through it by normalizing her feelings and reassuring her they will subside over time. If they don't, together consult her physician.

#4: Express a newfound attraction to her as a pregnant woman

Women have a special attractiveness during pregnancy often called the "pregnant glow". Remember, your wife may be hyper-sensitive to her physical appearance during pregnancy. Avoid jokes about her body. Instead, reassure your wife about her attractiveness by commenting on how beautiful she looks outwardly and inwardly. When it comes to romance during pregnancy, talk about this with your wife. It is common for changes in sexual drive to occur over the course of pregnancy. The best way to navigate through this is to talk. You don't have to wait to have sex together until the baby is born, however you do need to talk about how to get your needs met.

#5: Share your thoughts and feelings about parenthood

Women love when men open up about their feelings. What better topic than parenthood. Surely you have been processing this internally. It will mean a lot to your pregnant wife if you share these sentiments with her. Hearing you talk about these matters draws her closer to you. It also makes her feel secure and supported in the pregnancy.

Now it's your turn

So there you have it guys. One thing your pregnant wife needs you to understand and five ways you can deliver on it. What can you add to the list of ways to support? Feel free to leave a comment below. If you are a future dad facing pregnancy, what is one thing you can focus on right now to support your pregnant wife?

How to Eliminate Negative Speech

donald — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 14:18:20 +0000

[powerpress] Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". I've experienced and observed a lot of insanity in family relationships. Some of the ways we communicate don't change anything. It goes in one ear and out the other. Yet we say the same things the same way over and over expecting different results. Guess what? It's not going to happen! In fact, there are certain phrases that guarantee a negative reaction. I used to say them a lot in my family when my kids were young. It rarely got me the response I was looking for. Now, I try to measure my words and monitor my tone when I talk. I've learned that negative speech will guarantee a negative reaction. [Tweet "Negative speech will guarantee a negative reaction."] Let me share with you 3 things you always say that never work.

Three words that never work - "You need to..."

“You need to get a grip on your emotions.” “You need to stop being such a jerk.” “You need to spend more time playing with your kids than playing video games.” "You need to get your homework done." “You need to pick up more around the house.” “You need to stop wasting money.” “You need to…” Sound familiar? Yeah, I've said the said the same things too. "You need to" makes the person less than enthusiastic to do what you say. If they do comply it's done with a bad attitude. Is that the end game you seek? Me neither. Let's look at one of the statements and see if we can fix it. "You need to spend more time playing with your kids than playing video games." Here are 3 reasons why "you need to" doesn't work.

It's a complaint delivered in a negative tone.
It's a directive, not a dialog. Comes across controlling. Doesn't respect the person's autonomy.
It often sounds like a "put down".

3 Tips on how to say it better.

Respect the person's autonomy. "I know you like to wind down after work by playing video games..."
Turn the complaint into a request. "...but, can you also carve out some time to play with the kids?"
Highlight the benefit. "They have been excited about you coming home and spending some time playing with them."

Notice how this modified approach shows respect while making an important request. I now want to draw your attention to two more things you say that never work.

Twin statements that never work. "You always..." "You never..."

“You never help in the kitchen.” “You always say stupid stuff.” “You never admit you’re wrong.” “You always have something to complain about.” “You never anything nice to say about me.” “You always have to have it your way.” If you want to draw an immediate negative reaction these dichotomous statements always work. Arm yourself for a battle, you just fired the first shot. Here are three reasons why the twin statements never work.

They are not factual. Really, never? Always? I'm sure evidence does not support your claim.
They negate times when the action is performed.
The statement is negative and will generate a negative reaction.

3 tips on how to say it better.

Start positive. "I know you are a busy person..."
Share your need. "...and I also have a lot on my plate and can use some help..."
State your request. "...so can you give me a few minutes of help in the kitchen?"

3 benefits you can expect when you eliminate negative speech

The person will likely perform the action you seek.
You respect the person's autonomy.
You avoid "locking horns" and draining your batteries.

One final piece of advice I'd like to leave for you. Instead of making "you" statements, start with "I".

Now it's your turn

Think of one person with whom you can work on eliminating negative speech. Try rehearsing how to turn your complaint into a request. Practice this approach. Give it time. You may be surprised by how well it works!

2 Things Most Dads Want But Will Never Admit

donald — Fri, 17 Jun 2016 11:58:29 +0000

[powerpress] Last weekend my son Justin married his beautiful bride Brandy. It was an extraordinary event. What made it truly special was having the honor of officiating their exchange of vows. That's right. My son and daughter-in-law asked me to perform the wedding ceremony. If extending me the privilege of marrying them was enough, Justin expressed this sentiment, "Everything it takes to become a man I learned from you. I love you, dad." In those two statements, he gave me what most dads want but won't admit. I'll get to that in a moment. Generally speaking, dads don't have a problem telling their kids what they want. "Respect your elders. Listen to your parents. Act responsibly. Obey the law. Do your chores. Get good grades." Most dads take the responsibility of parenting seriously. While not perfect, they do their best. They want their kids to succeed in life. Why? Because dads care about their family. You may not hear them say it, but it's true. So, on the surface its fairly easy to know what dads want from their kids. Yet below the surface, dads have deeper needs they don't express. Deep down inside, most dads want two things from their kids but will never admit.

#1: Dads want assurance they are having a positive influence

Many parents worry if they are screwing up their kids. Dads are no exception. We try to influence our kids with our words and how we act in the world. Our goal is to set a positive example. We're not sure if we always get it right or if we are getting through to our kids. I know I wasn't a perfect dad although I did my best to be a steady influence in my kids' life. This was especially important many years ago when I went through divorce. I was so concerned about the negative impact it would have on my children. Throughout the years I strived to be a constant presence while also being consistent in what I modeled for them. When my son told me how much I influenced his manhood in a good way it touched my core. It was a message of assurance that he got what I was trying to teach him. I savored his words for days. Dad, if you want to maintain a positive influence for your kids make sure your words and actions align. Practice what you preach. Share not only what's in your head but what's in your heart too. [Tweet "Dad, if you want to be a positive influence share what's in your head AND your heart."] Want a gift idea for dad that won't cost you a penny? Find a way to communicate to your dad that you admire what he brings to your life. It can be a homemade card, a letter, or a conversation. He may not be perfect, but he does care about you and wants you to be happy and succeed in life. Dads need this assurance but won't admit it.

#2: Dads want affection

Generally speaking, boys are raised from an early age to avoid softer emotions. We are being prepped for manhood, to be providers and protectors of our families. Adult men tend to be task-oriented and less tuned in to emotional stuff. We may not show it a lot, but most dads are suckers for affection. Dads like hugs and to hear their kids say, "I love you dad." For daughters, this is easy. Sons can learn to do this too! On the surface, my dad was not the affectionate type. He did not get any as a child growing up. My mom made up for that, but I could tell it didn't come naturally for him. I have two older brothers and a sister, plus one younger brother. As my oldest brother became an adult, he started to tell my dad he loved him. I could see it had an impact on him. The rest of us followed suit. Every time I talk with my adult kids I end with "I love you". They reciprocate. I also say it to my fifteen year-old grandson and he mumbles it back. I belong to a band of brothers, a small group of guys I hang with regularly. We do life together and have each other's back. These are deep friendships. Whenever we leave each other we hug and end conversations, verbal or text, with "I love you brother". It's heartfelt affection we share as men. Hey dad! Be sure to keep your emotional valve open. Let your family see your softer side. Look them in the eye and say "I love you" every day. Want a gift idea you can give every day? Give your dad the gift of affection. Hug him. Tell him you love him every day. Most dads crave this even though they don't admit it. Try it out. See if it has a positive effect on your relationship. I suspect it will.

Check out the podcast link above

In the podcast, my co-host Amanda Berlin and I do a deep dive on this topic. I talk about my experiences growing up and as a father with my kids. Amanda poses questions to me like, "What advice can you give to someone whose dad is undeserving of honor?" Check it out by clicking the link at the top of the blog.

How to Overcome Your Fear of the Unknown

donald — Sat, 25 Jun 2016 13:26:46 +0000

[powerpress] Many years ago when I was going through divorce, followed by a career change, I had no idea how things were going to work out. The unknown was intimidating to say the least. I was afraid that I might make a wrong decision that would threaten not only my future, but my kids as well. No doubt, it was a dark period for all of us. Have you ever been in a dark place? Perhaps you're there right now. Your darkness may be a career loss, an illness, a death of a loved one, or a failed relationship. I understand your fear of the unknown. I was there too. Maybe like me, you realize that remaining stuck in a dark place is not good. The longer you're in it, the more it can feel permanent. The effect of the darkness can eat away at your soul. You feel like you're dying on the inside. Residing in a dark place is not good. You may be at risk for problems like depression, anxiety, dependency on drugs, alcohol, or some other form of impulsive behavior. These things compound the problems you already face. By far, the greatest risk is a loss of self. You can become disconnected to your true self. I know I was there when I was in my dark place. Fortunately, I did not linger long enough to compound my problems with poor coping strategies. Instead, I found the courage to enter a brighter future by following a different path. Let me share with you 5 steps into a bright future after a dark past.

Be sure to check out the podcast version by clicking the button above. I go deeper into my process by sharing how my faith played a key role in the 5 steps below.

See your circumstances as a temporary place, not a permanent residence

You have a choice about how you look at your past or present circumstances. Are you planning to live in it? Or, are you going through it? If it is a permanent residence the future may be dim. On the other hand, if you choose to put distance between your past, plan for brighter days ahead. You don't have to remain stuck. Consider your past a chapter, not a finished book about your life. [Tweet "You don't have to remain stuck. Consider your past a chapter, not a finished book about your life."]

Pack up the lessons you learned because you will need them for the future

Dark periods in life are difficult. Yet they also offer lessons to learn. I learned a lot about myself when I was going through divorce. It was clear to me that I had to change things about me if I wanted a brighter future. Being a people-pleaser was not as admirable as I thought. Going through difficult times affords you the opportunity to learn what matters to you. What lessons have your learned in your experience of hardship? Pack these up and take them with you as you move forward to a brighter future.

Muster the courage to leave your past so you can enter your future

Some people stay in a dark place thinking that it will eventually become brighter. Circumstances don't usually change on their own. You have a decision to make. Is your circumstance a permanent residence or will you choose a new path? Fear of the unknown is often a deterrent to action. "What if I find I made a wrong decision? How do I know it will work out?" Sound familiar? I can relate too. One of the things that helped my decision was a statement by Dr. Richard Dobbins, a prominent psychologist.

People change when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.

Pain is an informant. It tells us something is wrong. If the pain of remaining stuck hurts more over time, maybe it's time to do something about it. Muster your courage to act. Face your fear of the unknown.

Consider the opportunities a bright future holds for you

Dark events are often a prelude to future opportunities. Losing a job may be a stepping stone to a new career for you. I know someone who experienced a painful loss of an untimely death of a teenager. She is going back to school and plans to establish a career in mental health working with families. One of the bright spots of my journey is entering a new career. Some of the things I achieved were not on my radar screen. Understand this. Within every person is untapped potential: latent skills, abilities, and passions. When you muster the courage to step into a brighter future, this part of you is activated. Be prepared for new experiences, opportunities, people, and places.

Face forward, move your feet, and don't look back

Once you choose your path forward, muster your courage, pack up your lessons, and step into your bright future. Feelings of fear are normal. Just keep moving your feet! Self-doubt and fear of the unknown will greet you on the path but you must proceed forward. The further you walk along the path to your future, the brighter it will become. Your confidence will grow as you problem-solve one decision after another. Your untapped skills and abilities will surface. You will meet new people to add to the group of those who already support you. Things will finally start falling into place and you will notice that the pain of the past hurts much less these days.

Now for what you may find along the path

Here are some things you may encounter along the path that confirms you made the right decision.

Peace about your decision
Confidence about your future
Serendipities that confirm you are on the right path
New people, places, and experiences
A sense of purpose and deeper meaning
The ability to influence and inspire others to authentic living

Now it's Your Turn

Are you stuck in a dark past? Is your present circumstance a permanent residence of emptiness? Look over the 5 steps to a bright future. What's your next step?

7 Deadly Sins of Divorce

donald — Sun, 03 Jul 2016 02:47:35 +0000

[powerpress] If you come from a Judeo-Christian background or watch the anime series on Netflix, you've heard the term "seven deadly sins". The concept originated in the 3rd century by a religious monk, Evagrius Ponticus. It is featured in literary works including the Canterbury Tales and Dante's Inferno. The seven deadly sins are: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, anger, and sloth. Lately, I have been working with individuals who are either going through divorce, or dealing with post-divorce problems. Having experienced divorce several years ago, I understand it on personal and professional levels. Divorce is an emotionally painful process. It is something you want to avoid if possible. Here are some of the challenges divorced couples face.

Death of a marriage.
Facing the unknown.
Negotiating transition.
Impact on the children.
Dealing with residual anger and hurt.
Transition of home, in-law relationships, friends, etc...
Financial matters.

If your marriage does end, don't make your life harder by falling prey to the seven deadly sins of divorce. Giving in to these temptations will hinder your recovery and have a negative effect on you and your children (if you have them). [Tweet "If your marriage ends, don't make your life harder by falling prey to the seven deadly sins of divorce."]

The deadly sin of envy or gloating

I call these the "combo sin" because they tend to go hand-in-hand. Being envious of your former spouse's life post-divorce does you harm. Gloating in their misfortune has little value. Yielding to these temptations will have a negative effect on your self-esteem. Envy makes you feel bad about yourself. Gloating is feeling good at the expense of your ex. I'm sure there are more healthy ways to feel good about yourself.

The deadly sin of bitterness

Entertain envy too long and it morphs into bitterness. Once this sin gets a grip on you, it puts your future on hold. Unchecked bitterness commandeers your head and heart. It robs you of the happiness you deserve. Furthermore, bitterness gives your former spouse passive control over your life. He/she may be moving forward but you are lagging behind holding on to something that is only hurting you.

The deadly sin of vengeance

If you've ever seen the movie, The War of the Roses, you have an idea of the destructive nature of vengeance. Attempting to get payback on an ex-spouse is dangerous on multiple levels. It may give you temporary pleasure to embarrass or shame him/her publicly, but it can also make you look bad too. Vengeance is a distraction from moving forward. It elicits more drama and makes you look weak. In more extreme cases, I know people who sought vengeance end up facing legal troubles or incarceration. If your ex-spouse treated you wrong, and you want justice, let karma take care of it. Or as the Bible states, "Vengeance is mine says the Lord."

The deadly sin of indoctrinating children

Hopefully you understand the deadly effect unchecked sins have in your life. Now let's take it to an even deeper level. Indoctrinating your kids into your view of the ex-spouse is a deadly sin. They did not divorce a parent. You divorced each other. Your children cannot handle the weight of your emotional burden. Please do not put this on them! Telling kids your version of the story or allowing them to be within hearing distance of you talking to someone else is harmful to them. It is psychologically and emotionally damaging. Furthermore, it pressures them to choose their loyalty. I know some may argue that the ex-spouse was abusive, addicted, or did other harmful things that destroyed the marriage and family. Kids may have a fairly accurate picture but they don't need your emotional baggage added to the weight they already carry. Take them to a professional counselor so they have someone to talk to about their struggles.

The deadly sin of alienating children

Some parents use their kids as a weapon to express their vengeance. They take indoctrination to another level by blocking unwarranted access of their kids to the ex-spouse. In many cases, the ex-spouse has not done anything wrong. However they are being vilified unjustly and the kids are being manipulated to go along with the story. This is poisonous pattern of alienation is psychologically abusive to children. I witness the damaging effect this has on the alienated parent and their children. It is heart-wrenching to say the least. If you are alienating your children from their parent, heed this warning. You will likely pay a heavy price later when your kids become adults and decide for themselves. As they reconstruct the past, they may alienate you from their life. For more on this subject I recommend you read the book: Divorce Poison.

The deadly sin of abandoning children

You may have divorced your spouse but don’t include your children. No matter how difficult life is after divorce, your children need you to be a positive presence in their life. If you have issues get professional help. The worse thing you can do to your kids is to promise to be in their life but not show up. You have a decision to make. Be either in or completely out of their life. Ambiguity is not good for kids. Abandonment is more strongly felt when you promise but don't deliver on it.

The deadly sin of unforgiveness

Individuals who divorce have two people to forgive. The have to forgive their ex-spouse and they have to forgive themselves. Living in a state of unforgiveness does not change your past. Penance will not make it better. You have to find a place of forgiveness so you can move forward in your life. The difficulty of forgiving a former spouse occurs when this person shows no remorse, accepts no personal responsibility, and blames you for the failed marriage. It's hard to forgive a person like this. Forgiving him/her is not for their benefit. It's for yours. You can do it privately. I've developed a tool for it called "Forgiving From A Distance: How to move past someone who has hurt you but won't repair it." If you would like a copy of it, go to my contact page and request it.

Now it's your turn

If you are divorced or going through it now, are you guilty of one or more of the deadly sins? If so, what do you plan to do change? [vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Check out the podcast version of this blog by clicking the link above. I go deeper into this subject by addressing 7 reasons why the 7 sins of divorce are deadly. I also offer 7 benefits when you avoid them.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Can I Resuscitate My Dead Feelings?

donald — Sun, 10 Jul 2016 03:51:43 +0000

[powerpress] Here is a common story I hear from women in an empty relationship. "I tried so hard to make this relationship work. It often felt like I was doing the work of two. I guess it was okay at first because I figured he'd come around. But when he didn't I started feeling concerned. Every time I talked to him about my feelings I was never taken seriously. Rejection set in. Later it morphed into resentment. For awhile I just dealt with it. I tried to ignore my feelings hoping things would get better on their own. But it didn't. Then it happened. Something inside of me shifted. My feelings died. I started grieving the relationship. I stopped trying to make the marriage work. Instead, I began thinking about how my life could be better without him in it. I decided to tell my spouse that my feelings are dead. Our marriage is about to be over. Suddenly, he is alarmed. He wakes up. Now he wants to save the marriage. Everything I asked for in the past is now his top priority. He is "all in" to prove he can be "that guy" again. In fact, he announces that he is willing to go to marriage counseling. It feels like too little too late. I can't feel the love anymore. Can I resuscitate my feelings?"

The Straight Answer

The straight answer is - maybe. I know it's not a definitive yes or no. When it comes to a person's heart it is a subjective process. So many factors come into play. I see individuals who were successful in resuscitating feelings. Sadly, I also witness those who could not. If your heart has any hope of resuscitation it's going to take a lot of work and time to recover. So, what does it take? Here are 5 key decisions.

It takes a willingness on your part to allow your spouse a chance to earn his way back in

This is hard because it may feel like you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and rejection. I know it is a risk, but you won't know if your heart can open up again unless you try.

It takes a commitment by your spouse to focus primarily on your heart

Attempts to by your spouse to win your heart will not be easy. He will have to work hard and long to resuscitate your heart. Some guys give up early when they realize it will take a lot of work. Many are not capable of weathering the resistance they will likely face from you. If your guy stands a chance of winning your heart back he must understand what you endured all these years. He needs to focus on your heart and exhibit sustained empathy. Now for the confusing part. As he starts giving you attention, it may make you angry and resist it. Why? Because he waited until you shut down before he decided to work on the relationship. Suddenly, he starts doing all things you begged for before and expects you to be happy. When you resist his effort he feels rejected. If your heart stands a chance of being resuscitated he can't give up.

It takes set timeframes to see if resuscitation is working

So much is at stake here. A willingness on your part. A commitment on his. Now you need a set timeframe to see if the heart can respond. When I work with couples in situations like this I suggest a timeframe of three months to start. We measure progress along the way. Rebuilding of trust takes time. Here's my formula. Trust = behavior over time. Is your man consistently showing you love and attention? Does he show thoughtfulness and flexibility? Has he met resistance with consistency? If the answer is yes then you may decide to go another three months. If resuscitation is not working, accept the reality that your feelings are unrecoverable. You tried but it wasn't enough. Your marriage is dead. It's time to grieve and end it. On the other hand, if the process is working and it is clear he is truly changing, you have another decision to make. Here's what it will take.

It takes a risk on your part to open your heart again

The heart moves slower than the head when it comes to trying. Use your head to acknowledge his effort. This signals to him that you recognize he is trying. Yet, let him know that your heart moves slower and needs time to feel safe. "I see the effort you're making and it shows me how much our relationship means to you. However, my feelings aren't back yet. Please understand, my heart moves slower than my head." This will be another test for him. He has to remain loving, patient, and consistent. If he does, it may signal your heart that it is time to open up some. Why? Because the pattern of his behavior appears more authentic. It's not scripted or rehearsed to get what he wants. Rather, it becomes about you and what was lacking in the marriage.

It takes time to fully recover

There are four seasons in a year. If you show progress in each season over the course of a year the probabilities of recovery are good. This will not come without setbacks. As you start feeling close it may be followed by distancing on your part. Vulnerability will trigger fear of rejection. Don't be too alarmed. This is normal in recovery from emotional pain. Try to remain open to his attempts to express love. Over time, the heart should recover. The marriage may become stronger than it was in the past. Hard work pays off.

Now it's your turn

As you can see, resuscitating dead feelings is not easy work. Unfortunately, the probabilities of recovery are low. In the end, it takes two people committed to the process over a long period of time. Your chances increase when you seek help with a professional couples counselor. If your heartbeat is low but you want to see if it can recover, reach out for help. I can be reached on my contact page.

Before the Affair - What Puts Your Marriage at Risk

donald — Sat, 16 Jul 2016 23:54:20 +0000

[powerpress] A few years ago Marian and I decided to remodel our kitchen. We chose to do a complete demolition down to the studs and rebuild with upgraded materials, appliances, and furnishings. To chronicle the project we took "before and after" pictures. Comparing the photos highlighted the dramatic transformation. Needless to say it was well worth the time, energy, and investment to have something we truly enjoy! Marriages need updating. Do you know what I mean? Keeping the same look and feel without modification, can look old and outdated--as if you took a careless approach to life together. Often couples come to see me immediately after the exposure of an affair. As I listen to them share the heartbreaking story, I ponder two questions, "What did the marriage look like before the affair?" and "What will it look like after?" Like my kitchen, I wonder if they need a complete overhaul to the studs. Or is this a wakeup call for some updating. No doubt, infidelity can wreck a marriage, damage kids, and affect extended family and friends who care about you. It is not a pleasant moment to witness the involved partner look into the eyes of the injured partner who has been crushed by the confession of an affair. My hope is that I can help them walk through a process of recovery that will not only heal the current pain but give the relationship a new look, one better than the "before picture".

7 Common Factors That Increase the Risk of an Affair

Over the next two weeks I will give you a look at marriages "before the affair" and "after the affair". First, let's start with 7 common factors that increase the risk of an affair. I will follow with 5 affair-proofing strategies.

#1: Lack of attention to your relationship

Couples who move marriage to the back-burner to focus on kids, work, and household responsibilities neglect the key health component in the family--their marriage. Consequently, their "couple identity" connected around fun, adventure, and romance slowly evaporates. [Tweet "Couples who move marriage to the back-burner to focus on kids and work, neglect the key health component in the family--their marriage."]

#2: Over-Involvement in kids, work, household tasks, etc...

For a variety of reasons I will not address here, couples today over invest in kids, work, and the pursuit of the American Dream. They are trying to create the idyllic picture of a beautiful home and well-bred children. To achieve this they move at a speed that outpaces Superman! From dawn to dusk, couples expend energy in these tasks to the exclusion of the marriage. Which leads to the next risk factor.

#3: Marital drift

When marital needs are neglected, a slow imperceptible drift begins. A spouse may alert the other of concerns about the marriage, but nothing serious is done to address it. Over time, as the intimacy needs in the marriage go unmet, vulnerability exists for one or both partners to seek intimacy elsewhere.

#4: Poor communication and conflict resolution patterns

Communication ranks high in the area couples report as a cause for marital dissatisfaction. Lacking the ability to resolve conflicts, many couples stockpile them for ammunition in future arguments. To cope, these couples often go into a "cold war", not talking for hours or days until they are ready to reengage the relationship. Some stop talking about important subjects just to avoid an argument.

#5: Marrying for the wrong reasons

Some people marry before they are ready for it. They have not figured themselves out and are compensating by getting married. Others, give up a part of themselves in order to make the marriage work. Later, they feel something is missing. They feel trapped in roles that define them. If their partner does not understand and support their need for personal development, resentment may form. Feeling no way out they often escape into an affair.

#6 Power differential in marriage

One of the biggest contributors to an unhappy marriage is when one spouse wields more power than the other. This power imbalance leaves the other feeling controlled and resentful. This is not a gender-specific dynamic. Women can feel over-powered and men can feel emasculated. Emotionally wounded spouses feel vulnerable to someone who gives them attention.

#7: Chronic physical or mental health problems

Chronic health problems can cause wear and tear on a marriage. Individuals who do not invest in a personal health regiment can develop chronic physical and/or mental health problems. The health issue becomes front and center in the marriage leaving little room for fun or romance. Untreated mental health problems cause marriages to become toxic. Unhappy spouses are at risk to seek intimacy needs outside marriage.

5 Affair-Proofing Strategies

Now that we have identified 7 factors that increase risk of an affair, let's focus on 5 things you can do to limit the risk.

#1: Give your marriage front burner time

Marriages often end up on the back burner. They need front burner attention. This is no time for excuses. You make time for the things that matter--like kids and work. Your marriage matters. Put it on the front burner by establishing regular dates and alone time together where you can connect, have fun, romance, and take a break from the other role hats you wear.

#2: Manage your personal health concerns

If you haven't yet, it is time to get serious about taking care of yourself. Are you careless and self-indulging about your health? Do you neglect yourself? Are you avoiding getting help with a mental health problem like depression, anxiety, or attention deficit? This is not good! You will lose attraction and respect from your spouse if you neglect yourself. Do something about this now! See #5 below.

#3: Slow down your pace of life

Maybe it's time to pump the brakes. Look at your calendar. What does it communicate? Does it reflect your values? If not, you need to slow down an re-evaluate what is important. Talk to your spouse. What can be eliminated or modified to slow the pace of your life down so you have more energy to devote to your marriage? Do this and you may avoid a collision with infidelity.

#4: Avoid alone contact with a person with whom you feel a mutual attraction

If you feel unhappy in your marriage and starving for affection you are vulnerable to an affair--no matter how strong you think you are. An affair can happen quickly. If you find a mutual attraction, you are in a danger zone. I recommend you avoid alone contact or any form that sets the pattern in motion. Once it starts, it is very difficult to stop it. You may be in over your head before you know it. See my blog Sound Advice From Ashley Madison to learn how stressful an affair can become.

#5: Seek counseling to address issues that cause personal and marital distress

There are two approaches to counseling I want to highlight: personal or marriage. If your marriage is drifting it is probably a good time for you to seek couples counseling together. You can learn how to communicate, resolve conflict, and improve ways to connect romantically. If you have personal issues that get in the way of your marriage, individual counseling can be a helpful process to give you ways to manage things, especially mental health issues. Do you go to the doctor or dentist to address physical illnesses? Doesn't it make sense to see a professional to treat mental health concerns? Perhaps you've tried to work on your marriage. You've pleaded with your spouse to work on it too. No matter what you've tried, it hasn't worked. Your spouse is unwilling to do his/her part. Do not seek an affair as a means to exit the marriage. Instead, see an individual counselor. Choose an exit plan that honors your integrity. Do not allow an affair to indict you for something you could achieve with your dignity.

Now it's your turn

Do you see factors that put your marriage at risk for an affair? If so, I know it can be scary. Look at the 5 affair-proofing strategies. What do you think might be a good next step for you?

After the Affair: Can We Recover?

donald — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 12:00:49 +0000

[powerpress] In recent years, we've witnessed our fair share of natural disasters. Perhaps you experienced one firsthand. Watching the news I try to imagine what it is like for people who see their homes leveled by a tornado, earthquake, or some other calamity. It's painful to watch the tears streaming down their face as they sift through the debris, picking up the few things that were unharmed by the catastrophic event. An exposed affair can have the same kind of effect. The physical house may remain intact--but not the foundation of the home. The marriage received a massive hit. Everything in the house looks the same but feels different. The family pictures, master bedroom, everything that symbolizes a happy marriage and family feels like a facade. As couples assess the damage they wonder, "Can we recover?" If recovery is possible it will require some awareness and effort by the involved spouse and injured spouse in the following areas:

Effect of the affair on both partners
Effect of the affair on the injured spouse
Effect of the affair on the involved spouse
Repairing the betrayal wound
Rebuilding the trust
Restoring the intimacy

Effect on Both Spouses

First, let's take a look at the effect an affair has on the married couple. Afterwards, I will share the unique effect it has on each spouse.

Profound loss of security in the marital bond

The secure base is suddenly missing. Trust has been breached by betrayal. The foundation of the marriage is unstable. Both partners are reeling from the effects of the disclosure.

Alarming concern about the status of the marriage

Suddenly everything in the home is stained by an awareness of the affair. Rooms, pictures, and people look different. Do the kids know? What do we say to our family and friends? Will all this change? Can we recover?

Tendency to act quickly to minimize the damage

To cope with the situation, one or both partners may act in a manner that lessens the severity of the situation. Extreme attempts to reestablish security are made. Couples may have sex, go on dates, etc...

Intolerable emotional pain

As the reality of an affair sets in, emotions intensify. The injured spouse experiences waves of anger, sadness, and fear. The involved spouse may have intense feelings of guilt, shame, and in some cases anger too. This anger is often self-directed, but may also be at the spouse for reasons that were unaddressed previously in the marriage.

Massive breakdown in communication

As emotions intensify, communication can deteriorate into outbursts of anger, further accusations and threats about the future. A couple who could normally resolve their differences now have a hard time being in the room together.

Difficulty in managing daily routines

After an affair is discovered the normal rhythm of life is changed. Daily routines are difficult to manage. Couples often report that they feel like zombies, totally numb as they navigate daily tasks.

Effect on the Injured Spouse

Traumatic aftershocks of the event

Uniquely troublesome to the injured spouse is the re-traumatization that occurs for a long period of time--at least one year. Aftershock triggers emotionally catapult the injured spouse back to day one when the betrayal was discovered. These aftershocks are common and challenging for couples to manage. It can muddle their perception of progress toward recovery.

Plaguing thoughts about the nature of the affair

Injured spouses are plagued with thoughts and questions about the nature of the affair. They have a litany of "why? and what?" questions. They want to know what was wrong in the marriage. Details about the nature of the affair, type, quality, frequency of sex may plague their minds. At the point they think they've had all questions answered, a new list appears.

Intense feelings of anxiety and mistrust toward the spouse

When trust is breached the injured spouse may no longer look at her partner the same way. They may worry if the spouse is lying, still in the affair, or if it will happen again down the road. This anxiety may lead them to monitor their spouse's behavior and interrogate them. They hate being in this position and may become more angry at their partner.

Tormenting thoughts about the affair partner

Probably one of the most troublesome effects on the injured spouse is the mental comparisons they go through ritually. The want to know what the affair partner has that attracted their spouse. Inwardly they struggle with insecurities. "How do I measure up to that person?" These thoughts torment them throughout the day, especially in the early stage of discovery.

Enormous pressure in deciding how to move forward

If contending with the affair isn't enough, injured spouses have decisions to make that will not only effect them, but also their children (if present in the marriage). This additional burden places enormous pressure on the injured spouse. In many cases they want to leave but they are worried about the impact on the kids. Consequently, they face not only the pain of betrayal, but feeling stuck with a spouse they don't want to be with any longer.

Effect on the Involved Spouse

Myriad of feelings about the disclosure of the affair

Involved spouses are faced with complex feelings of guilt, shame, and anger toward self. There may also be a sense of relief that they no longer have to live in secrecy. In some cases, the involved spouse is angry at the injured spouse because this person did not listen to their earlier cries for help in the marriage.

Confusion about how to manage the situation

Involved spouses are in unchartered waters when it comes to managing the situation. Some want to fix things right away. Others may continue to have feelings toward the affair partner and are confused about where they want to be. Either way, the involved spouse is unsure of how to handle the situation without making it worse.

Deep concern about the effect of the affair on the spouse and others

Most involved spouses feel deep concern about the effect of their behavior on others. They worry about the effect on their spouse. They also worry about their children, extended family members and friends. Finally, some spouses are also concerned about the wellbeing of the affair partner. These compounded worries may cause the involved spouse to become overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed.

Fears about the future

The damage of a discovered affair can be widespread. The marriage is at high risk for divorce. Furthermore, it can severely damage relationship with children, extended family, and mutual friends. Work can also be adversely impacted if the affair happened in this environment.

3-Step Plan for Recovery

Statistics indicate that 70% of all marriages survive infidelity. Almost 50% of these couples construct a marriage that is healthier than it was before the affair. If a full recovery is possible it will come with hard work. First of all, you have to be aware of the effect it is having on everyone. This is why I started the blog with awareness of effect in each area. Next, you have to commit to a process of recovery that involves three areas.

Repairing the wound

Full recovery is impossible without treating the wound. A bandaid will not suffice. Repairing requires a pattern of wound dressing. Not once, but several times over the course of treatment. You will have to listen to the emotional pain expressed by your spouse and validate her/his feelings. Next, you will have to express true remorse over your behavior and offer reassurance of fidelity in the marriage going forward. This treatment approach over time can heal the wound. If you cannot do this, your spouse will not heal.

Rebuilding the trust

Rebuilding trust is a reciprocal process. The involved spouse has to demonstrate trustworthiness. The injured spouse has to dispense some trust. This process takes a long time. Get used to it. If you follow my blogs you know my formula for trust: Trust = behavior over time. If you were the spouse involved in the affair, your words and actions have to be congruent. Do what you say. It will take more time than you wish. If you are the injured spouse, dispense the trust in a measure equivalent to the effort of your partner. Not too much or too little. Remember, it takes time.

Restoring the intimacy

As wounds heal and trust rebuilds, couples are in a stronger position to restore intimacy. This delicate process happens at the pace of the injured spouse. Re-traumatization often happens as couples move toward intimacy. This is normal but must be handled delicately. You may wonder as a couple how you can get through this process alone. Most cannot. If you want full recovery, you will need the help of an experienced marriage counselor to walk you through this process. Having done this multiple times, I witness many couples not only recover, but construct a marriage more satisfying than it was before the affair.

Now it's your turn

If you are suffering following the discovery of an affair my heart goes out to you. It is painful for both partners. You do not have to face this alone. Reach out for help. It may be out of your comfort zone, but it can be the first step towards healing and possible recovery.

8 Agreements of Partners In Parenting

donald — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 23:24:55 +0000

[powerpress] A week ago, I spent a week traveling the east coast with my daughter and 5 grandkids. We visited my son-in-law Joshua at his army base. We had a wonderful trip! I had the opportunity to observe a military couple operate as partners in parenting. I was very impressed to see how they function on the same page when together or apart. It's not easy, but they find a way to make it happen.

Being on the same page is not easy!

Couples often struggle getting on the same page when it comes to parenting their kids. They have differences about parenting styles. One might believe his/her approach is better. A power struggle for control over parenting develops. Criticism, interference, overruling, or undermining behaviors divide parents even further. Kids observe the division and use it to their advantage. Bedlam results. Sound familiar? How do couples end up on opposite sides? Several factors contribute to the struggle. Let's take a look at some of the things that cause parents to be on a different page when it comes to raising kids.

Family background

Family-of-origin contributes significantly to how most people parent their kids. We often repeat patterns we learned growing up. Some adopt approaches quite the opposite of their parents. They vow that they will not allow their kids to experience the hardship they did by poor parenting.

Expectations about roles

Couples often approach parenting with unspoken expectations about roles. Assumptions are made about who should be doing what and how it should be done. One's cultural background may play a key role here. If you come from divergent backgrounds you may argue a lot about how to raise the kids.

Gender differences

Males and females have different lenses by which they look at raising children. A father may view the mother as being "too soft", while she may view him as being "too harsh" in parenting approach. Questions about who is the primary parent, who will sacrifice career, etc... can come under the umbrella of gender expectations about responsibilities.

Attachment styles

How parents attach to children may be different. One may have a more nurturing attachment style. The other may be more detached. These often emerge from family-of-origin types of connection or ways of expressing sentiment.

Fears about parenting

All parents experience some fear in parenting. We are afraid we will screw our kids up! Some experience exaggerated fear. Consequently, they put a lot of pressure on themselves and their kids to be perfect. A less anxious parent may argue that the other is overly-focused, controlling, and stressing the kids out.

8 Agreements of Partners in Parenting

When parents fight they function more like opponents than partners in parenting. Kids don't feel safe. Therefore, you have to find a way to come together. Here are 8 agreements partners in parenting make when it comes to raising their kids. [Tweet "When parents fight they function more like opponents than partners in parenting. Kids don't feel safe. "]

#1: Agree to stop criticizing the negative and compliment the positive

Criticizing each other only fuels the power struggle. Knock it off! Do what partners in parenting do. They start by complimenting the positive things each other does. If they have to address a problem, they do it respectfully.

#2: Agree to learn your partner's narrative on parenting

We have stories about growing up. These experiences shape how we see the world and how we view family life. Do you know the positive and negative experiences that influence your partner's view of raising kids and what it means to be a mom or dad? I think couples can do a great service to parenting by taking time to listen to each other's story. Listen without judging or correcting the faults of their family-of-origin. Your job is to listen and understand.

#3: Agree to work on synthesizing your stories into a working narrative in your current family

Each of you may bring something of value that can be woven into the fabric of your family tapestry. For example, you may want to adopt the nurturing approach your wife gained in her family. You can also integrate the concept of chores your husband learned growing up.

#4: Agree to stop correcting each other in front of the kids

Correcting the other parent in front of the kids is undermining their authority. You are teaching your kids to lose respect for him/her. If you have a problem have a sidebar discussion away from their eyes and ears.

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. Robert Fulgum

#5: Agree to use your power to influence, not control

Offer perspective and suggestions. Agree to be open to the influence of each other. Avoid criticism.

#6: Agree to have each other's back when facing oppositional behavior from kids

Kids will attempt to manipulate parents, getting one to go against the other. Partners in parenting are on to this strategy and don't take the bait. Stand united. If a parent is making a mistake, deal with it afterward together.

#7: Agree to be patient with each other

Getting on the same page doesn't automatically happen just because you make these agreements. Synthesis takes time. Be patient with yourself and each other.

#8: Agree to establish regular time to talk about parenting concerns

This is not a gripe session. You want to begin by focusing on what's working, where you see improvements, and how you're doing getting on the same page. Then focus on areas to improve. Use this time to talk about what's going on with the kids that you both need to pay attention to.

Now it's your turn

If you want to learn more about how to become partners in parenting check out my book: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict. What suggestions can you offer to add to my list of 8 agreements? Leave a comment below or post on my social media sites.

How to Focus on Work When Your Personal Life is in Shambles

donald — Sat, 06 Aug 2016 22:52:29 +0000

[powerpress] Many years ago my personal life was in shambles. At the time I was going through divorce. I faced many challenges: concerns about my kids, establishing new housing, paying bills, and several other difficult adjustments. If this set of problems wasn't enough, I had to deal with a myriad of emotions that surfaced throughout this phase. I had some rough days on the job too. Can you relate? Here are some of the personal struggles that can put your life in shambles.

Serious breakup or divorce
Discovery of an affair
Major behavioral problem with one or more of your children
Family member in the throes of an addiction
Chronic health condition
You can add your own problem to the list

Is your personal life in shambles? If so, I understand how difficult it may be for you right now. Containing personal problems as you work through them is not easy. It can leak out into your public life. Trying to keep it together at work can be extremely difficult since so much of a waking day is spent on the job. When your personal life is in shambles it makes everything harder. The world doesn't stop because you have an issue that drags you down. Nor can you freeze frame the planet until you get it together. Personal problems can play like a soundtrack in your head throughout the day. Co-workers may notice something different in your demeanor. Perhaps you find yourself making mistakes, missing deadlines, getting to work late, or stuck on personal calls. Like the woman in the picture, it's hard to focus on your job. You can do a better job focusing on work by adopting these 5 strategies.

Adopt a "going through" versus "living in" mindset

"Living in" your personal problems can feel permanent. You may feel stuck. "Going through" has movement--a beginning and an end. While your life may look like a disaster zone remember this. After a tornado has swept "through", people rebuild. Consider the difference in internal dialogue and decide what attitude you prefer to adopt. Living in attitude

It will be like this forever
Nothing will ever be the same again
I'm stuck now for the rest of my life

Going through attitude

It's hard now, but it will get better
Things will change eventually
I can do something little today to move my life forward--like going to work

When you adopt a "going through" mindset you are more likely to find a way to "get through" the day at work and be productive.

View work as a temporary distraction from your problems

Your mind needs a break from your personal problems. Dwelling on them throughout the day can make it worse. By focusing on work, you can get your mind off negative thinking and onto processing tasks that yield positive and productive results. This is really effective if you truly love your job.

If appropriate, have a brief conversation with your boss

Many work cultures are safe and supportive. Having a brief conversation with your manager (if you have one) may be helpful. It's not necessary to go deep into your personal life. The key is to inform this person that you "going through" some personal struggles currently. Most employers/managers are understanding and accommodating in these types of situations. Be clear on the following:

You do not want your personal problems to hamper your work
You are working through the problem(s)

Establish boundaries about dealing with the problem during work hours

Hit the pause button on your personal problems. Limit interactions with others associated with the problem. Don't field phone calls unless it is an emergency. If necessary, schedule time during your break to address the problems. Establishing boundaries is good for your mental health. By not allowing your personal problems to invade every area of your life you demonstrate good coping skills. Remember, manage your problems or your problems will manage you.

Have a plan outside of work to address your personal problems

Do you have a good support system? What about coping strategies? Have you figured out a plan yet to work through the shambles? Here are some suggestions on how to establish a good plan.

Establish a small network of trusted people with whom you can rely on as a support system and sounding board to address your problems.
Consider individual counseling as a safe place to unpack the problem, develop coping tools, and devise a plan to "get through" things.
Develop daily routines/habits to help you release stress and process internal reactions
- Exercise
- Journaling
- Massage
- Music
- Art
- Reading
- Your preferred choice...

Now it's your turn

So there you have it. Five approaches you can adopt that will help you focus on work when your personal life is in shambles. Do you have other suggestions? Feel free to leave a comment below.

How to Support Hero Parents of Kids with Mental Illness

donald — Sat, 13 Aug 2016 16:15:52 +0000

[powerpress] Get the picture? It's not easy for parents or their kids who suffer with mental illness. If you follow my writing you know I refer to mental illness disorders as "intruders". Conditions like depression, anxiety, or ADD, intrude in a person's life, not to mention the family too. It's not easy on anyone! Parents who raise kids with mental illness are heroes. Plain and simple. They have been placed in charge of helping kids navigate a world that is not in sync with their brains. General parenting books do not work in this household. They read more complex books dealing with developmental problems such as neurological compromises, attachment disorders, emotional and behavioral dysregulation, impulse control, and sensory or social integration problems. Depending on the mental illness, adapting in a social environment comes with it’s own unique set of challenges. Kids may display unruly or oppositional behavior. They don’t readily listen to direction and may defy parents or act out publicly, often creating an embarrassing scene. Because this behavior fails to meet social norms, kids with mental illness and their parents are often misjudged. All parents fear failure. Parents of kids with mental illness experience this exponentially. They wonder what’s wrong with their approach and why it appears to be so much easier for other parents. They eventually come to understand that kids with arrested development need a modified approach in parenting that fits with their unique needs. Most of all they worry if their kids will successfully launch as independent adults. It takes courage and consistency to be a hero parent. Most importantly, it requires a boatload of unconditional love. So, if you are a friend, neighbor, or relative of these hero parents, here are a few things they need and don’t need from us.

They don’t need us to fix them.

Do not offer unsolicited advice. You may have good intentions, but do not take it upon yourself to give them parenting advice. Parenting is not a “one size fits all” skill.

They do need us to understand them.

The best way to understand them is to get to know them. Listen and be open to learn about the world they live in. Their story is unique and deeply personal. Making an effort to get to know and understand them will give you insight and empathy--not sympathy.

They don’t need us to judge their parenting.

Hero parents don’t feel heroic on the job. They are hard on themselves. They feel our eyes on them and their kid. The disapproving look, roll of the eyes, or whispered comment to a friend, don’t go unnoticed. Judgment on their child or parenting is based on ignorance and is unfair. Please don’t do it.

They need us to accept their family.

Acceptance is a fundamental social need. Families with mental illness crave acceptance too! They do not want to be marginalized in social events. Please don’t avoid them. Have them over to your home.

They don’t need us to feel sorry for them.

Feeling sorry for parents of kids with mental illness is veiled judgment. It’s as if your saying, “Your mentally ill child is the cause of your struggles. Your life would be so much better if he/she was normal.” These heroes are not victims. They are fellow parents who struggle just like you. It just so happens their role is more challenging due to the intruder of mental illness.

They do need us to support them.

They don’t need your sympathy. They need your support. Adapt to their social needs and do the best you can to help. Learn about the mental illness and how to modify your approach interacting with their child or providing back-up to the parent.

Here are a few practical ways you can meet their need.

Spend time with their family. Have them over to your home.
Give them a night out by watching their kids.
Offer practical support, and extra set of hands when they are dealing with an episode.
Add humor to their life.
Listen, offer a shoulder to cry on, a friend to lean on.
Pray for their family

Now it's your turn

If you are a hero parent of a kid with mental illness I'd like to hear from you. What can you add to the list of things you need or don't need from family, friends, or the community? Please leave your comments below.

7 Back to School Tips to Help Your Kids Start & Finish Strong

donald — Sat, 20 Aug 2016 19:32:54 +0000

[powerpress] Okay, take a deep breath. You can do this. This year does not have to be a repeat of last. You can break the power struggle with your kids over school. You're not alone, many parents dread the start of the school year. Getting kids back in the mindset of school is not an easy task. Keeping them focused throughout the school year is tough.

Old Habits are hard to break

Parents and kids form habits about the school year. For some, it works well, with kids staying on track and performing well. If that's you, then you can skip this blog and find another topic to explore. However, if you've developed some bad habits with your kids about school, you need a new approach. Recently, parents scheduled time with me to develop a new strategy for the school year. We talked about three things:

What they did that doesn't work.
How to get on the same page.
How to construct a new plan for their kids.

After a few sessions the kids joined their parents. We accomplished three things:

Dad and mom shared the plan and the kids could only listen.
The kids provided feedback, sharing their ideas,
After some tweaking the entire family bought into the plan.

Now they are prepared to go into the school year with new habits to form. Here are 7 tips every parent can use to help their student start and finish the school year strong.

#1: Start with a clean slate

Erase the memory of the past year. Empty the trash bin in your brain. Get the dread out of your head! If you begin with a negative attitude you activate the old habits. This is not time for a parent lecture either. Wipe the slate clean.

#2: Construct a new plan for success

If you are not on the same page then start here. Parents often schedule time with me so that they can learn how to get on the same page. It's not that hard when you have a third-party coach working with you. Share your hopes and expectations for the new school year. Establish a simple plan for homework that is clear and easy to enforce. Include an incentive plan and clearly defined consequences for non-compliance.

#3: Communicate plan to kids with some opportunity for input

Plan a back-to-school meeting with your kids and explain together the plan you have devised. Inform them that you will open the floor for discussion after you have laid out the plan completely. Allow your kids opportunity to give their feedback and suggestions. This encourages self-expression and will likely get buy-in if they feel they have a voice. Kids often come up with good ideas. Be clear that parents make the final decision. Make the plan visual. Construct a visual board in the kitchen. Put it in the daily/weekly family calendar on their electronic devises.

#4: Execute and manage all phases of the plan

Here is where many parents fail their kids. They do not follow-through on execution. Trust me, I hear this often from kids. They complain that parents don't hold them accountable--that they threaten but do not enforce consequences. Kids will test the integrity of the plan, looking for weaknesses. Expect this and be prepared to take action. Follow-through is critical to a strong ending of the school year. Be consistent in keeping the plan in place.

#5: Schedule a monthly family meeting throughout the school year

This family meeting time must be guarded at all cost. Establish a forum of discussion about the plan, how it's working and what needs tweaking. Encourage your kids to talk about the school year, what they like, don't like, and where they might feel stuck. Listen well and collaborate with the child how he/she can problem-solve the situation.

#6: Take full advantage of the portals of communication the school offers

Communicate early and often with teachers, especially if it is a class your child struggles in academically. If you utilize tutors, be sure your conversing with them regularly in order to stay apprised of your child's progress. By all means, be a frequent visitor of the parent portal many schools offer parents to monitor homework, assignments, etc...

#7: Celebrate success throughout the year

Establish incentives that motivate your kids to action they can achieve throughout the year. These don't have to be expensive incentives. Playing a game together at night after homework doesn't cost anything. Going out to eat after a major project is can be a fun way of celebrating goals reach or target behaviors accomplished.

Now it's your turn

Do you have a "back to school" tip you can add to the list? Share it with the community by leaving a comment below.

How to Support Your Spouse Following a Job Loss

donald — Tue, 30 Aug 2016 14:34:16 +0000

[powerpress] You are in a good rhythm. Family is going well. Bills are being paid--on time. Life is not perfect but your content. The week ends and you're looking forward to wind down together for family night with pizza and Netflix. Your spouse pulls into the driveway, enters the house with a distraught look on his face and announces that he was laid off his job. At the sound of those words the relaxing weekend went down the drain. Forget about going out for dinner tonight. We are staying home and having Ramen noodles. Have you ever had that sick feeling? You’re not alone. A few months ago my wife announced she was being laid off from a job she held for 21 years due to a corporate restructure. The writing was on the wall earlier in the year, but based on her performance we thought she would survive the cut. When it became official it was devastating. As her husband I wondered, “How do I support Marian during this difficult time following her job loss?” I was in unchartered waters and did not want to make it harder on her. Some things I did worked, others not so well. Here are 6 ways you can support your spouse following a job loss.

Focus first on how your spouse is doing

A job loss impacts both of you. While you might initially be aware of how it affects you, hit the pause button and focus on your spouse. This is a time to support your partner as he/she processes the initial reaction to the situation. Sometimes they are in shock. It may feel catastrophic, or they may act upbeat to show they can handle the situation. The initial reaction is often short-lived, however you want to listen as they let out their reaction. They may feel angry, betrayed, fearful, guilty. These are normal reactions that need a safe release point. Be emotionally supportive and validate their feelings.

Convey your support to get through it together

Wedding vows come to mind here. “...in good times or in bad…” Your spouse may feel like a failure and might be too hard on him/herself. Normalize the experience. “You are not the only one going through this. We will get through it together.” It may take a while for your spouse to get through the loss. Depending on the significance of loss your partner may experience a season of grief. Marian worked for her company for over two decades and managed several teams. It took time to recover from the loss of relationships she treasured.

Share your reactions to the job loss

This can be a little tricky because you just emotionally propped up your spouse and now they are going to hear how the job loss affects you. Think about the timing in sharing your reactions. If your spouse is not emotionally ready, delay it for a few hours or a day or two. You may have similar emotions of anger, betrayal, or fear. In my case, I was angry at the company. Marian was a hard-working, dedicated, and caring individual who gave 100% effort. I felt she deserved better treatment. Some spouses have a difficult time being supportive when job loss is a pattern based on poor performance. If there is a pattern of job loss you may need to express other concerns.

How this pattern causes mistrust
The need for a protocol to address factors contributing to the pattern
Are there coach able issues
Are there underlying issues that need counseling focus

Collaborate on a plan to modify budget

Financial pressures increase following the loss of employment. Your spouse's worry about being a provider is compounded by loss of income. This is a time to come together and discuss finances. Find ways to cut fat out of the budget.

Be a sounding board to provide input into their plan to find a new job

Give feedback on job hunt, resume writing, career focus, etc… Be careful about your boundaries regarding the responsibility to solve the problem of the job loss. Avoid the polar extremes of enmeshment or complete disengagement.

Try to remain patient and positive from beginning to end

Job loss can be an emotional roller coaster with no definitive end in sight. Nagging, criticizing attempts to motivate generally don’t work. Nor does being emotionally cold and distant. Your best approach is patience and a positive attitude. Don’t focus on the negative. See the positive no matter how little it is, and punctuate it. Bite your tongue. If you have to share a criticism in his/her approach or attitude, be sure it is constructive and communicated respectfully.

Now it's your turn

If you've been through this before what did you do to support your spouse that worked? What didn't work?

How to Recover from a Major Argument

donald — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 01:39:47 +0000

[powerpress] Marian and I were on our way home from a family event. We had a great time and were really excited because the next morning we were leaving for vacation. For some strange reason we got into a heated argument over something stupid. Because we were both exhausted we hit the pause button and went to sleep. In the morning before we packed our bags, we unpacked the problem. We've developed a strategy to manage conflicts that make it easier to recover from a major argument. Needless to say it came in handy. No way this petty fight was going to ruin our vacation. As I reflected on it, I decided to share our approach with you. So, here are 5 things you can do to recover from a major argument.

Start with a cease fire

If you are having a knock-down, drag-out fight, it's not solving anything. It's only doing more damage. So do this:

Put your weapons down
Take time to cool off
Give each other some space--emotionally and physically

Assess the damage

This has three parts:

Inventory the damage inflicted upon you - how did your spouse specifically hurt you?
Inventory the damage you inflicted on your partner - where did you cross the line?
Inventory the damage done in the family - did the kids overhear? Who was caught in the crossfire?

Repair the harm together

Start by owning the damage you inflicted. Marian and I follow a 5-step plan. I use it with couples and families in my practice. If you would like it please request it on my contact page and I will send it to you. The key here is to be able to own what you did wrong and apologize for your actions. Equally important is being honest with your spouse about how you were hurt in the argument. By taking turns owning and repairing conflict, a fair exchange of apologies can aid the recovery process.

Allow time for the relationship to heal

Major blowups may take a few hours or days to recover, depending on the offense and degree of harm. People who compartmentalize things tend to get over arguments quickly. However, others who process emotionally take more time. Here are two suggestions:

Do not to push your spouse into getting over it.
Do not drag your feet in recovery.

Feelings of rejection may surface when one is reaching out to connect and the other is not responding. If you need more time to recover you can say something like: "I appreciate you trying to connect. I'm working on recovering from our fight, but I'm not quite there yet."

Revisit the issue to bring it to closure

Exchanging apologies is important but it doesn't necessarily resolve the original problem. I recommend you revisit the issue by taking a different approach to guide conversation.

Take turns talking about it.
Agree to be open to listen to each other's perspective.
Give consideration to your partner's point of view.
Seek compromise if at all possible.
If your spouse has a better perspective or idea, acknowledge it

Finally, two things Marian and I do that decrease the frequency, intensity and duration of major arguments. First, we talk about what we learned from the argument that we want to work on. For example, we talked about how we were feeling run down going into the vacation and not as tuned in to each other. One other thing we find helpful is identifying where we are improving in communication and getting through arguments better. By working hard at recovery together you can celebrate success turning a major argument into a major victory!

Now it's your turn

What do you do that helps you recover from a major argument? Add to the list of 5 I offer so readers can have more ready-to-use ideas. Feel free to share your comments below.

How to Move from Resentment to Respect

donald — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 14:30:44 +0000

[powerpress] Did you go into marriage vowing to resent each other as long as you both shall live? I didn't think so. Like most couples, you vowed to love, honor, and respect each other. You started on a path of mutual love and respect then at some point you lost your way. The Big 3: work, kids, and managing a household, sucked up a lot of your time and energy, leaving little for yourself or each other. Conversations were mostly task-oriented. You fought more than you fondled each other. I think you get the picture. Now you're in a bad place. Respect has morphed into resentment. Resentment is a defense mechanism. It serves as a shield against future harm. A spouse can use it to create space and avoid being hurt again. Lingering resentment will suffocate your marriage. So, how can you move from resenting to respecting each other? You can do this together by making these six agreements. [Tweet " Lingering resentment will suffocate your marriage."]

Agree to look honestly at how resentment is ruining your relationship

As I indicated, resentment functions as a protector. It shields you from future harm. The downside of this strategy is that it prevents the opportunity for close connection. You miss out on intimacy. Ignored resentment is a predictor of an unhappy marriage.

Agree to own your resentment

Marital discord is less about the recent argument and more about the resentful pattern. Rather than locking horns on the latest dispute maybe it's time to talk about the resentment that sits between you. Own your resentment. "I purposely push you away with my resentment." Ask your spouse if they are open to listen and understand your resentment. If he/she is, then share it in a tone of respect. It will be easier to listen if your tone is respectful. Behind anger or resentment is hurt. Convey your hurt. It might be helpful to write it in the form of a letter you can read. Here is an example: "I am hurt by what you did (or didn't do) in our relationship. Resenting you became easier than feeling the hurt of rejection." I understand it is a risk to be vulnerable. You do not want to be hurt again. The next step is for your partner.

Agree to listen and understand your partner's resentment

This will take a level of courage on your part that matches that shown by your spouse when she/he owned their resentment. This is not a time to cross your arms and be defensive. You will kill a moment and destroy your marriage if you defend or blame. Be open and listen with fresh ears. Show some empathy, look your mate in the eye and convey that you care about their feelings. Validate your spouse's experience. "What I hear you saying is..." "I know this was not easy for you to share..." "I respect you for the courage to be honest with me..."

Agree to own and repair the offense

In previous blogs I introduced the concept of the Repair Kit. Without going into detail, here are the 5 steps.

Admit your offenses.
Acknowledge how your actions specifically hurt your spouse.
Accept responsibility for your behavior without blame.
Ask for forgiveness.
Agree that you will work on changing the pattern of behavior causing hurt and resentment.

Agree to start letting go of resentment

Letting go of resentment begins by accepting your partner's actions as a sincere attempt to repair. Mutually agree to consciously work on letting go. Be patient with the process and each other. Letting go takes time, but you must start working at it right away. You will also have to face your fear of future hurt. If you want intimacy in the marriage you must confront your fear.

Agree to work on mutual respect

Moving from resenting to respecting each other requires a different tone of interaction. Start by being considerate in little ways toward each other. Small acts of courtesy or kindness goes a long way. Baby steps become bigger ones soon. Finally, acknowledge the effort of your spouse with a "Thank you for..."

Now it's your turn

Are you tired by the weight of resentment you carry? Perhaps today is the start of losing it. Here are some next steps to consider.

Ask your spouse to read this blog and/or listen to the podcast (link above).
Follow up with a conversation to see if he/she wants to work on the 6 agreements.
If the two of you don't think you can do it together consider a couples counselor to assist.
Read my book, Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict

3 Lessons I Learned About The Empty Nest

donald — Sat, 24 Sep 2016 14:13:24 +0000

[powerpress] Raising kids to become responsible adults is every parent's dream. We hold our breath raising kids, dreading the nightmare of adult kids screwing up and expecting us to bail them out. In the empty nest stage, you can finally exhale knowing your kids have flown the coup and are navigating their flight into adulthood. I know the feeling now that all three of my kids are living on their own. 2016 has been an especially meaningful year for me as an adult dad. I stepped in as a parent in each of their lives in a manner that gave them the support they needed without taking control. Three years ago I wrote a blog When Your Kids Become Adults. It was based on a conversation I had with my youngest son Jordan, who shared his interest in moving to Arizona. In August, my wife and I visited him there and were impressed with how well he is doing staying on course with his plan. In June I had the honor of officiating my son Justin's wedding. We had some deep conversations on what it means to be an adult man and husband. Just two weeks ago we talked about a turbulent period in his young adult life that was tough on both of us. Tears of forgiveness flowed as two adult men hugged each other while we were hanging out in his backyard. Mid-July I travelled with my daughter Candace and her tribe of five to see her husband who recently returned to the military. It is not easy being a military family. Sacrifices are the norm. I witnessed the strength in their marriage as they support each other in the duties they perform. Candace told me several times what it meant to her to have me travel with them. It's a week I will treasure forever. My three kids are doing pretty good finding their way into adulthood. It's not perfect. They face challenges and hardships from time-to-time. But when they do I know my role. Here are three lessons I learned from my adult kids about the empty nest.

Adult kids prefer our presence over our parenting

They want to enjoy an adult relationship with us. It is their way of honoring us for a job well done! Sure, they may have problems to talk about, but they just want us to listen, provide some emotional support, and maybe a little advice--not too much. Here's why.

Adult kids prefer to figure things out on their own

They understand that in order to mature, they have to learn to problem solve. If you did everything for them earlier in life, this phase may be harder. However, as a parent you must learn when to step in and how to step back. Listen to the All About We Podcast episode (at top of this page) as I get into this process. One of the biggest lessons I learned from my three kids is that in hard times they just wanted to know that I was present to listen and that I had confidence in them to figure things out.

Adult kids prefer to hang out with us as adults

It is very important to your kids that you see them as adults. They want you to kick back and enjoy them and not worry so much. Things are never going to be perfect. Don't come over and tell them what they're doing wrong, how to do it better, etc... You get the picture. When you hang out, let them pick up the check from time-to-time. My kids enjoy doing this! It is part of the rite of passage into adulthood.

Now for a bonus!

During my recent trip to Arizona to visit my son Jordan, I recorded a podcast with my cohost, Amanda Berlin. The interview topic was based on my blog "When Your Kids Become Adults". I talk about the 3-Cs of parenting adult kids. You do not want to miss this podcast! Click the recording at the top of this blog.

5 Essential Ingredients in a Blended Family

donald — Sat, 01 Oct 2016 18:58:13 +0000

[powerpress] Your first marriage didn't work. As you enter a second marriage, you pray it turns out better. Not just for your sake, but for the benefit of your kids as well. Blended families are more challenging to unite than biological ones. Trust me, I know by experience! Like me, you began with a vision of your blended family only to discover not everyone is on board. Getting members of broken families to trust and respect a step family is not an easy task. If you are frustrated, confused, or have emotional bruises being a stepparent you are not alone. Blended families take time and patience to develop. Whether you are starting out or been going at it for some time, here are 5 essential ingredients to add to develop a healthy blended family.

Gradually introduce members of the blended family

Readiness is a key factor in starting a blended family. If you jump into a relationship right after divorce, this may be too much for your kids. Your kids need time to recover from their parents divorce. Maybe you do too! Before you introduce kids to a prospective married partner, make sure this relationship has matured. Talk to them about your partner before you make formal introductions. Do not force-feed your relationship upon the children. Remember, kids prefer the bio-family. A blended family is more of an acquired taste. Plan a series of activities the kids can enjoy. Allow time for bonding to occur before you discuss establishing a blended home.

Develop mutually understood expectations about the role of the stepparent

Once you begin establishing a bond with kids, you can get a better assessment of how they are attaching to the stepparent and step siblings. Talk with your mate about each child: age, temperament, attachment style, maturity level, how they cope, personal interests, etc... Be sure to include information about the strength of bond the child has with the biological parent. As stepparent, you can find a range of adult leadership that fits for each child and establish expectations about your role accordingly.

Establish a family forum for communication

When you decide to marry and blend families, plan a time to talk to the kids about it. Share your expectations about how the blended family will work. Listen and respond to their concerns. Establish a forum to talk about the transition. Discuss geographical layout--bedrooms, bathrooms, etc... Ask questions and get input from the kids about the transition. You want their buy in and this is more likely achieved if they have a voice and you exhibit some flexibility.

Show class by not bashing the kids' other family

Step kids live on two planets, not one. Keep this in mind at all times. The last thing they need to hear is your sentiments toward the ex-spouse. Show respect. If kids complain about differences in rules, validate their confusion and/or anger, then clarify how things run in your home.

Be consistent in love and limits

There is a temptation to lean to one side over the other. Some bio-parents feel guilty and may compensate by showing love without enforcing limits. Stepparents correct this problem by being overly strict. However, this alienates stepchildren. Creating a safe, predictable, loving and fun environment with limits provides a healthy environment where kids can flourish.

Now it's your turn

If you parent within a blended family, what are some things you do that make it work well? Feel free to leave a comment below or on one of my social media sites. If you are struggling in getting your blended family to mix well, what one of the 5 ingredients will you add?

Why Your Guy Struggles With Communication

donald — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 21:48:51 +0000

[powerpress] Sometimes guys get a bad rap from their female counterparts when it comes to communication. We can come across as being disinterested, insensitive, or clueless! Why is it that a guy can be so open with a girl when they first start dating and so closed after they marry? Confusing huh? (I'll get to that in a minute.) Women often tell me she thinks her guy doesn't open up because he doesn't care about her feelings. Or she may say, "I don't think I matter to him anymore." Truth be told, most husbands really do care about their wives, but struggle showing it in a manner that matters to her. This disconnect leaves her feeling sad, and him feeling frustrated. Your guy doesn't open up for reasons that are not that simple. Let's peel the scalp back and examine the male brain. Here are three common reasons why your guy struggles with communication.

He was raised to focus on one side of the brain

I'm not making excuses here. But let me explain why men have a hard time opening up to women. Historically, males are raised to focus on the left side of the brain. I call this the "thinking" side. Females primarily focus on the right brain hemisphere where "feelings" reside. Young boys are encouraged to express emotions of frustration and anger, but are taught to reject (suppress) "weaker emotions": fear, sadness, loneliness, etc... Male social development reinforces traits of strength, competition, courage, etc... so we can be providers and protectors of our family. This over-emphasis on "thinking" limits our capacity to connect on an emotional level. In early romance, the feeling and sensual side of the brain is activated in pursuit of the woman. Guys may report a sexual conquest to their buddies, but will conceal how he talks for hours with the girl on the phone. Meanwhile, she's telling her girlfriends how he opens up and is so sensitive to her feelings. After marriage, most guys deactivate the right brain and go back to left brain processing. This conditioned response promotes success in the workplace, but predicts failure at home.

He speaks one language - LOGIC

Women are bilingual. They can speak the language of emotions and logic. Let's be honest guys. We are outmatched! When a wife needs to talk about something, men respond with the language of logic. He doesn't know how to speak the language of emotions. So, he expects his wife to speak logic. This doesn't help her at all. It usually makes matters worse!

He tries but it's never good enough

Men try to speak the language of emotions but we're amateurs. I know this is frustrating for women, especially knowing we did it during early romance. Guys get frustrated too because we were not raised to attend to feelings. When it comes to communication, most guys resort to logic and foreplay. We fix problems, then seek connection through sex. Most women need emotional connection before they open up sexually. See the disconnect? A pattern develops where the wife criticizes the husband's lack of communication and he shuts down because no matter what he does, it's never good enough. So, guys retreat and focus on what they are successful at - fixing problems at work, around the house, etc... A wife feels lonely and unimportant.

How to Make it Easier For Your Guy to Open Up

Fixing a guy's problem with communication is primarily his to address. Guys we are raised to fix problems. If you don't know how to express or respond to emotions, this is your job to fix. You can start by learning Emotional Intelligence. Many receive this training in the workplace. Why not apply it at home? If you need help, seek out a coach. Ladies, you can make it a little easier on him by doing these three things.

Cut him some slack

Knowing his right brain is under-developed, you may want to lower your bar of expectation. Remember, he was not raised bilingual as you were. Have a little empathy knowing he was likely raised to focus on his thinking brain. Remind yourself that he does care, but for now, he shows it differently.

Before you talk, preface what you want from him

You may have to adopt the mindset of an emotional coach. If you need to open up, prep your guy on what you need from him. Here's what you might say.

You don't need to fix anything right now. It would mean a lot to me if you just listened and try to understand what I would like to express.

After you talk to him, ask him if he could tell you what he understands you're saying.

Give him some props for his effort

Most guys I talk to are not interested in compliments, they just want some acknowledgement of their effort. Your guy just wants to know you see he is trying. This positive feedback loop will inform him to keep it up. Say things like, "Thank you. It really helped me when you listened and told me you understood how I felt. That's all I needed." Remember, guys have a fixer mentality. If you say listening helps, then he thinks he's fixed the problem. Make sense?

Now it's your turn

What did you learn about your guy that will help you in trying to connect with him going forward? If you're a guy, what do you plan to do to work on the right side of your brain? Listen to the All About We Podcast in the link at the top where I dig deeper on this topic.

What Women Can Do When Gas-lighted By Men

donald — Sat, 15 Oct 2016 16:46:14 +0000

[powerpress] The second presidential debate shed light on the issue of how women are treated sexually by men. When it comes to their questionable sexual behavior, some male politicians become sex educators. They teach lessons on "locker room talk" or variations on what the meaning of the word "is" is. Concern over the abuse of power by men toward women, whether in politics, business, or any social arena begs serious attention. Yet when we hear leaders "gaslight" their behavior what message does it send to women? How does it influence the sexual attitudes of young boys toward girls? The term "gas-lighting" comes from the 1938 play Gaslight. The main plot focuses on a husband's methodical attempt to convince his wife and others she is insane. He does this by manipulating her to question her perception of events. One way he accomplishes his goal is to secretly dim the gaslight in the room. When she comments that the room is getting darker, he tells her that the light intensity has not changed-"It's just your imagination." The objectification of women by men ignores their equality. It dims the light on their right to be treated respectfully. "Boys will be boys" gaslights women's reactions to inappropriate talk or touching. Tell me, is this fair treatment? What if the tables were turned guys and someone exploited you sexually? Here are three actions a woman can take when being gaslighted by a man.

Turn the light up on his behavior

Do not allow his version of the facts of his behavior to become your version. Hold your position. Use your firm voice and tell him that his actions are inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Hold him accountable for his behavior.

Set a firm boundary with him

Gas lighting men are not safe! If your guy is pushing your boundaries, ignoring your "no" and trying to manipulate you to go along, drop him. End the relationship. He will make you feel guilty for every problem he brings in your life. Gas lighting men do not deserve you.

Only choose men who meet your standards

You deserve a man who is attracted to your heart, who admires your intelligence, and treats you with respect. A guy who is not intimidated by your power and encourages the expression of your voice. Keep your gaslight burning brightly. If he respects you he will not mess with the dimmer.

Finally, a message to men

Open your ears and listen guys. Women deserve nothing short of our respect. Period. Remember this the next time you encounter a woman. Think before you speak. Keep your hands to yourself--unless they are used to open her door. Let women observe you being a “gentleman".

How to Raise the Comfort Level in Communication

donald — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 23:17:54 +0000

[powerpress] Most couples come to see me for help in communication. When asked to describe the problem, I often hear... "When we fell in love opening up was effortless. We could talk for hours! Now when I want to have an important conversation I feel a lump in my throat. My words are jumbled. I start doubting myself, worried about my spouse's reaction. If I say how I really feel will I be taken seriously? Suddenly, I avoid topics. We speak on the surface. Why am I afraid to talk to my spouse?"

So what happened?

I think we get careless as we get comfortable in relationships. Negative patterns form like criticism, defensiveness, or judgment. This dynamic disrupts communication, lowering the comfort level. [Tweet "I think we get careless as we get comfortable in relationships."] When we expect a negative reaction, we are less likely to open up to a spouse. So, how do we raise the comfort level in communication? Here are 5 steps that help.

Label the "lump in the throat" that blocks communication

Do you fear your spouse's reaction--criticism, dismissiveness, blame, rejection? Some feel like they are not taken seriously, that what they say "goes in one ear and out the other". Is the "lump" an insecurity based on low self-esteem? "I'm not smart. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm making a big deal out of this."

Determine if it is a "me" problem, "we" problem, or both

If it is fear based on the repeated reactions of your spouse then it is a "we" problem. Something is happening in the pattern of interaction that lowers the comfort level. On the other hand, if you struggle with self-confidence or low self-esteem then you primarily have a "me" problem to address. If this is you, don't fret! There are ways to increase self-confidence.

Raise the concern with your spouse without blame

To raise the comfort level you cannot conceal the lump in your throat anymore. You will have to talk about this with your spouse. I know, I'm prescribing the problem. Sounds like you need a safe place to start, right? Sometimes the best way to start the conversation is in written form. Crafting a letter to your mate gives you a format to organize your thoughts and communicate your concerns in a respectful manner. You can send it by email with a request to talk about the contents later in the day. This gives your spouse opportunity to read and listen with an open heart. Be sure to write it as a "we" problem. For example you may start by writing, "I am concerned lately about a problem we have communicating. Maybe you are frustrated too."

Explore together how to raise the comfort level

After your expose your "lump in the throat" your spouse may also want to talk about what lowers the comfort level for him/her too. Show respect by being open to listen to your partner. If it's a "we" problem, discuss ways you can make it easier when you talk. Marian and I have certain cues we use to alert each other when we want to raise the comfort level. Notice the picture above? This is one of the ways we choose to talk when we want to increase safety. Trust me, it works. Here are a few tips I suggest:

Take turns speaking and listening.
Summarize what you hear your spouse saying before you speak
Use "I" and "we" statements. Avoid "you" statements. They can be inflammatory.
Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt that they genuinely care about your needs

[vc_row][vc_column][mk_message_box]Check out my interview on this blog on the All About We Podcast by clicking the the play button above![/mk_message_box][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Practice the approach and modify as needed

Changing patterns takes mutual effort over time. Be patient with each other. It won't be fixed because you had one conversation. Follow-up with each other. Make modifications as necessary. Marian and I learned new things we can do or say that make it easier to talk. We add these things to our repertoire of tools we use to raise the comfort level.

Celebrate as you raise the level

Change is more likely achieved when you celebrate the minor victories. Look for the slightest effort and acknowledge it. This will create a positive feedback loop. Establishing a positive pattern of communication motivates you to do it more. Lumps leave. Comfort increases.

Now it's your turn

So what's your next move? If it's a "me" problem, maybe you can read a book on self-confidence or see a coach or counselor. If you identified a "we" problem what will you do next? Write a letter? Have a conversation? One final recommendation. If you're spouse comes to you to talk about the comfort level of communication in your marriage, be open. Do not be defensive. Give your spouse the respect to be heard. The comfort level can only go up from here.

#1 Viral Epidemic Threatening Your Home

donald — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 12:47:11 +0000

[powerpress] As a mindful parent you do everything within your power to establish a healthy environment where your kids can thrive. No way will you allow anything infectious to creep into your home. You scour the internet seeking solutions to anything kid related. When it comes to your kids, you are on the ball! No doubt, parents feel pressure when it comes to meeting the needs or demands kids present. It can be exhausting! You are the "Siri" to every kid problem--including boredom. Millennial kids are infected with a virus of entitlement. Many believe it is the responsibility of adults: parents, teachers, coaches, etc... to make life as easy and fun as possible. Kids expect much from adults and little from themselves.

How the Entitlement Virus Entered Our Culture

The entitlement virus did not appear over night. It slowly creeped into our culture. Here are three conditions that contribute to the problem.

Reaction to authoritarian parenting style

In the post-Depression, WWII Era, parents vowed that their children would not suffer the hardships they endured growing up. They wanted their kids to have things they were not afforded. Consequently, parents were diligent in pursuit of the American Dream. Parenting styles were fashioned after the military stressing the importance of authority, discipline, and responsibility. Kids new what was expected of them: beds made, chores done, homework completed, and tardiness to school unacceptable. Punishment for non-compliance was swift. It often came in the form of groundings, spankings, and extra chores. Parents ruled, kids obeyed. If a child dared to question a parent's demand, they could expect to hear "because I said so!". [vc_row][vc_column][mk_message_box]I offer solutions to this problem in my book "Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict". See link on the right.[/mk_message_box][/vc_column][/vc_row] The authoritarian parenting style was successful in raising responsible kids. However, the notion that kids "are to be seen, not heard" was extreme, not to mention some forms of punishment. Future generations sought to correct this problem. Unfortunately, the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. We've gone from "police parenting" to "passive parenting".

Dual-income households

Parents in successive generations continue striving to give their kids more than what they had growing up. This sparked a new movement toward dual-income families. Women entered the workforce. The phenomena of daycare centers and "latch key children" followed. Balancing two careers with managing a household put a lot more pressure on parents. The amount of energy required on a daily basis takes it's toll. Many parents feel stressed and overwhelmed. Furthermore, they feel guilty that they are not around enough or doing a good job in parenting. To compensate, parents started expecting less of their kids and doing more for them.

Media influence

Consider how much media permeates our lives. A few generations ago kids listened to radio and went to the movies. Today children have access to media in multiple forms: TV, computer, smartphones, and tablets. Kids are influenced by entertainment, advertisement, and social media to believe they are entitled to have the best in life. They are also lead to believe that adults exist to make it happen.

Dangers of entitlement

Some argue that entitlement is good for kids. "Giving kids more than what we had is a good thing. What's the harm?" Making kids the center of attention all the time is not good for them. It gives them more power than they are prepared to wield. You can see it by the way some kids order their parents around, have tantrums in the store, or win tug-of-war battles over homework. It seems no matter what parents do, it's not enough to satisfy entitled kids. They want more attention, more things, and more, and more, and more... Here are four ways an entitlement virus affects the health of a family.

It stunts your child's growth

I am not talking about physical growth. Entitlement stunts their development in these areas.

Cognitively - parents who do too much for their kids, inhibit the development of their problem solving skills.
Emotionally - giving in to a child's emotional outbursts inhibits their ability to develop emotional control or frustration tolerance. It reinforces impulsivity. Not good for kids.
Socially - kids who are allowed to act out with you will struggle keeping friends. Children need to develop social awareness and understand how to properly interact with others.
Autonomy - kids who do not develop the skills above will struggle when they transition into adulthood. We see this happening already on campuses and in the workplace where millennials struggle to perform.

It fosters an attitude of disrespect

Children who have an over-inflated view of themselves will likely treat others poorly. I see this often in my work with families and when I'm in social situations. It doesn't help that entertainment encourages kids to disrespect adults either. Disrespect will destroy happiness and unity in a home.

It breaks down the family unit

I witness the virus of entitlement creating adversarial relationships. Kids fight with each other over things they feel entitled to. They can also be demanding of parents and will fight to get their way. No one is happy after war--except maybe the kid who got his/her way.

It places undue pressure on parents to perform

Parents in a culture of entitlement feel pressure on all sides. They feel it from their kids. They feel it from other parents who boast about the latest thing their kid is in. They also feel it from advertisers who bombard them with the latest thing their kid needs. And if you didn't see the commercial, your kid did and you will hear about it.

Good news!

Hopefully you can see the concerns raised by the presence of this virus in our culture. However, I have some good news for you. There is an antidote for the virus of entitlement. It's called "empowerment". I will address it in my next blog/podcast. Stay tuned!

What to Empower so Your Kid Can be Successful in Life

donald — Sat, 05 Nov 2016 19:50:06 +0000

[powerpress] Last week I wrote about entitlement, the viral attack on kids today. I traced the origins of this virus and the negative effect it has on the family, especially kids. You can check it out here. I vowed not to leave you hanging and promised this week to prescribe an antidote to entitlement.

The Antidote is Empowerment

If you want to protect or heal your kids from the virus of entitlement give them daily doses of empowerment. The definition of empower is - "to give or delegate power or authority to; to give qualities or abilities to." The antidote of empowerment is giving your kids "age-appropriate" authority to master their world. It involves a two-step process I outline in my book Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict. It's easy to remember:

Step in to instill confidence and train your kids to perform a task.
Step back and empower them to perform.

Repeat processes 1 and 2 until your kid establishes it as a habit. The key here is to understand your kid has power. It can be used to control or manipulate as means to get their way. Or, it can be used to increase their autonomy and respect for others. In short, empowerment is fostering the development of the human will in a positive direction.

Empower kids to think, feel, speak, and act for themselves
Express their will in a benevolent manner.
Use power to benefit me and others.

This is what sets empowerment apart from entitlement and why it is the perfect antidote! Your kids can become successful in life when you empower them in these four areas.

Empower their minds to think for themselves

Kids benefit when parents encourage the use of their problem-solving, creativity, and imagination skills. A key method is to instill confidence in their ability to think and find solutions. Parents who figure things out for their kids establish a dependency dynamic in the relationship. Allow your child time to figure things out. If they're struggling you can guide, but by all means, don't think for them! [Tweet "Kids benefit when parents encourage the use of their problem-solving, creativity, and imagination skills."]

Empower their voice to express themselves

Kids today text to talk. Consequently they do not fully develop the ability to communicate. I recommend you introduce your kids to the practice of conversation. Every day make time to converse with your kids. I'm not talking about the tasks that need to get done, but about topics that help you connect. Adopt a position of natural curiosity and talk about their day, their thoughts/views on what is going on in their world. Empower your kids to voice their feelings. You may need to coach them on intensity, but they need to say how they feel without being judged. It is important that kids develop their voice so that they can learn how to set boundaries with others. Finally, teach your kids how to interact with others. Coach them how to greet people, look them in the eye, and pay compliments.

Empower their hands to be productive

Your kids need to learn basic life skills. One of my earliest memories is my mom teaching me how to fold my clothes and make my bed. At age 7, my dad taught me how to take out the garbage and it became my chore. As I grew, more followed. Teaching your kids age-appropriate skills is crucial to healthy development. It builds self-confidence, self-esteem, and promotes autonomy. It also helps kids understand that one of the primary ways of belonging in a family is to make a contribution.

Empower their hearts to care for others

Entitled kids focus primarily on themselves. When they do for others it may have selfish ends. Why? Because their hearts do not have an outward focus. Our job as parents is to empower the hearts of our kids to care for others. It begins by teaching them to show parents and siblings respect. Make this a rule in your home. Model it first. Require it next. Establish consequences when it is not shown. Again, you can learn more about how to do this by reading my book. Teaching your kids to care for others develops their empathy skill. Without empathy kids will struggle to develop close relationships in childhood through adulthood. However, if you empower their hearts, your kids will be successful in life.

Now it's your turn

I identified the virus of entitlement and delivered the antidote of empowerment. Think about your kids. Do one or more suffer from the virus? Where can you begin today to apply the antidote?

Hey Spouse! Here's your wake up call

donald — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 05:39:18 +0000

[powerpress] Have you ever felt like your spouse doesn't get it? You try expressing your concerns that the marriage is struggling but it falls on deaf ears. Or maybe you get a paltry answer like, "things are fine" or "you worry too much". So you lay awake worrying while your mate sleeps in oblivion. In some marriages, one is asleep to the reality of how bad things are in the relationship. They assume things are copacetic. They claim you are hard to please. Yet what's ignored is the fact that things are not as good as they think. In some cases, it's far worse. How can a spouse so close to the situation be so clueless? Why do some partners adopt an ostrich "head in the sand" approach to marriage?

Every marriage can benefit from an early wake up call

Marriage is often taken for granted as stable enough to endure strife or unhappiness. Some claim, "No marriage is perfect. We'll be fine." Be careful! This misassumption can put your marriage at risk for failure. An "early" wake up call can save your marriage if:

you're starting to drift from each other
your spouse says she/he is lonely
there is an uptick in the frequency of conflict
there is a decrease in frequency of sex

If you experience one or more of these symptoms, your marriage is in trouble. You need an early wake up call. I'll give you some suggestions shortly but first let me warn you. If you wait too long you may be jolted by a late wake up call.

A late wake up call is a jolt to the system!

In the 1999 movie, "The Sixth Sense" Bruce Willis portrayed Dr. Malcom Crowe, a child psychologist working with a boy who describes his problem, "I see dead people." Throughout the movie we see Dr. Crowe struggling to reach this boy. Meanwhile at home he also cannot seem to penetrate the loneliness his wife experiences. However, his real problem was within. He was dead and didn't know it. Sadly, I find this to be true with some couples. Their marriage is dead and only one knows it. The reality comes in the form of a late wake up call that jolts their spouse.

A late wake up call happens after you discover your lonely spouse is having an affair. You failed to take your partner's cries for attention seriously. Someone else now meets that need.
A late wake up call happens when your mate follows through on her/his threat and you are served divorce papers.

An early wake up call can save your marriage

You can be an ostrich with your head in the sand or a lifeguard perched on a tower watching over the shore of your home, making sure your marriage is safe. An early wake up call:

Clears your head - "Things are worse than I imagined."
Clarifies your vision - "I don't like what I've become and want to change."
Can stir you to action - "I accept responsibility for my part in this marriage and am committed to change my attitude and behavior."
Can mark a moment of lasting change - "It took this to wake me up so going forward I am determined to live an authentic relationship. No more pretending or making excuses."

What you can do to avoid a late wake up call

My hope for everyone who reads this blog or listens to the podcast above is that you never have to suffer the pain of a late wake up call. Here are 4 alarms to set for an early wake up call.

Pay close attention to your marriage. Be the lifeguard, not the ostrich.
Give serious attention to your spouse's voiced concerns. Tell her/him you are taking them seriously now.
Modify your approach to marriage to address these concerns. You will have to shift your priorities to invest time in the relationship.
Get some coaching or counseling to develop or improve your relationship skills. No excuses anymore. Help is out there. Get it!

Now it's your turn

So what is it for you? An early or late wake up call? If early, what is your next step? Look over the list of things to do and take action. If you got the late wake up call, what have you learned?

Don't let THIS spoil your Thanksgiving Dinner

donald — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 00:01:09 +0000

[powerpress] If there's one thing that can spoil Thanksgiving Day, it's a bad turkey. Come to think of it, there are a few more things that can spoil TD that have nothing to do with food. Let me explain. Thanksgiving Day is a national holiday where families across America enjoy a traditional meal together, giving thanks for the blessings we enjoy in our free country. While this may be the intent when we gather around the table, there are no guarantees it will go well. Stuff happens when families gather that can spoil the turkey. I'm not talking about the stuffing in the turkey. I mean the stuffing in the family! It's the stuff inside people bring that can spoil the event. Here's some stuff that can spoil Thanksgiving:

Heated conversation about the recent election!
Members who help themselves but don't lift a finger to help out
Out-of-control alcohol consumption
Negative comments made by a parent you can never please
Not being on the same page with your spouse

Over the course of the past two weeks I have listened to sadness of some and jubilation of others impacted by the outcome of the recent presidential election. I am concerned that relationships are wounded over sentiments expressed. Amanda Berlin recently shared an article with me about a guy whose "best man" unfriended him on Facebook after he posted that he voted for the President-elect Trump!

Activate your spoiler alert system

I listed a few things above that can spoil a wonderful occasion. Perhaps you can think of others that pertain to your situation. The important thing is to activate your spoiler alert system and be prepared in advance. Here are some things you can do early in advance of Thanksgiving Day.

Identify what you are anxious about as you approach the holidays.
Talk to your spouse about your concerns.
Have a "let's get on the same page" conversation together.

Deal with your spoiler ahead of time

In a couples session last week, a couple discussed what to do if the topic of the election came up during Thanksgiving. They came up with a plan on what to do if the discussion got out of hand. Another couple discussed how they were going to deal with the issue of alcohol since it has become a problem in the marriage recently. Both conversations were productive and the couples feel more confident going into the holidays. Here are some tips on how to deal with your spoiler ahead of time:

Make time to de-stress before Thanksgiving Day.
Establish realistic expectations about the day and people who trigger you.
Envision what you want the day to be like for you.
Be clear on the boundaries you want to set around "spoilers".

10 ways you can keep the day special for you

Start the day with a positive mood. Listen to your favorite music, go for a walk, soak in the tub. Find what works for you and do it.
Do not allow others to hijack you mood. Stay positive. Take deep breaths. You are the boss of your mood. Don't give it away to a grumpy spouse or badgering kids!
Do a mental rehearsal of how you want the day to be for you. Think about the people you want to connect with and the fun you imagine you'll have with them!
Do a check-in with your spouse before you gather with the family and later in the day so that you start and stay on the same page. Check-ins keep you focused together.
Prepare how you will respectfully handle a situation when conversations about the election heat up.
Unclog your ears so that negative comments flow in one ear and out the other.
Instead of complaining about the unhelpful relative, try politely asking him/her for help. "Uncle Joe, would you mind helping me clear the table? Afterward we can serve the pumpkin pie I know is your favorite!"
Monitor your own alcohol consumption, not your spouses. This is not easy in marriages where one has an alcohol dependency, but do your best. Remember you cannot control others or manage their sobriety.
Focus on people who don't need fixing. Enjoy the company of people who bring out your smile.
Make time to express thanksgiving for the blessings in your life. In my family we take turns around the table, expressing gratitude for one new blessing in the year.

Now it's My Turn

This is normally where I challenge you with a call to action. Today I want to take a moment to say thank you to the loyal readers of this blog and followers of the All About We Podcast (see link above). It gives me much joy and fulfillment knowing what I deliver is making a difference in your marriage and family. I am moved by the kind words I receive on a regular basis from you. May you have a heartwarming Thanksgiving Day with your family and friends.

I found the perfect gift for you

donald — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 15:35:48 +0000

As I write, I am wedged between Black Friday and Cyber Monday. The delete button on my laptop is getting an all day workout emptying my mailbox! Maybe your done shopping by now. I haven't started yet. Wait, let me take that back. I started my gift giving on Thanksgiving. Weird huh? We have a tradition in our family that allows us to give our best gift first. The gift of our voice. After we eat our thanksgiving meal, we take turns sharing what we are thankful for in the year. The sentiments shared brought laughter and tears. More importantly, it reminded us how fortunate we are to have each other.

I found the perfect gift for you

The perfect gift is inside you. It's your voice. The expression of your true self. Others need to hear your voice. You need it too. Many of us struggle using our voice. I know I do. Sometimes the negative voice in my head gets in the way. I think people won't find me interesting, that I am not smart, etc... The only way to fix this for me is to get out of my head and into my heart-- to get back in touch with my true self. Within this space I find my voice again, then look for opportunity to express it.

Your voice is a gift to yourself

The perfect gift to yourself is owning your voice. Not the voice others expect that you feel obligated to speak. I'm talking about your authentic voice. Giving expression to your own thoughts, ideas, and intentions. Being free within to be in touch with emotion and sentiment, then giving it a voice.

"The human voice is the organ of the soul." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Your voice is a gift to your family

What my 82 year-old mother said to her children and grandchildren was priceless. We also listened as my oldest brother, facing retirement at the end of the year expressed gratitude to his wife. With tears in his eyes he shared how he is looking forward to the next season of life with her. This is a small sample of what was shared around the table. Think about how your voice can be used as a gift to someone special in your family. Do you have someone in mind? Okay, then give this person the gift of your voice today.

Your voice is a gift to others

The term "hate speech" is prominent in our society today. The news is fixated on televising anger between people, giving rise to further division in our country. We need a fresh voice--not anger about our differences, but respect about our uniqueness. To tone down the anger, join me in a different approach. Use your voice to show respect to others. Respect their voice too! Listen to understand. Suspend judgment. Find commonality. Think about the people you will interact with this week in person or on social media. How can you use your voice as a gift to encourage, inspire, or thank others? Give the perfect gift of your caring voice.

Your voice is a gift return

If you are a spiritual person you know where I'm headed. Your voice is a gift of God. Use it to return thanks to God for the blessings in your life. My faith is central to my being. I do my best to use my voice to bless others and praise God. So in return for the gift of my voice I give you thanks God!

Now it's your turn

Did I find the right gift for you? If so, I encourage you to open today. Don't wait for the holiday. How do you plan to use your gift today?

Your holiday relationship survival guide!

donald — Sun, 04 Dec 2016 03:19:19 +0000

[powerpress] Most of my childhood memories of Christmas are pleasant. I was fortunate to belong to a close family. But one holiday my parents got into a huge argument. It shook me up. I cannot recall what it was about, but I imagine it had to do with being stressed out. Hey, raising 5 kids is no easy task! As a spouse and parent I have pleasant and painful memories too. Seeing the look on my children's face when they rip open the Christmas wrap to discover their wish has come true is priceless! Yet, missing the moment because it's not my holiday with the kids this year was a harsh reality of divorce I later endured. I imagine you have your happy and sad memories too. We all do. Nobody has a "Hallmark greeting card" holiday every year. It may look like that on the outside, but don't let the decorations fool you. In many homes the holidays are stressful. In some cases, dreadful. The holiday season is about embracing faith and family. Sadly, it is commercialized to an extreme. Black Friday, Cyber Monday ignite shopping mania! Events, parties, pageants, and a slew of activities fill the calendar. Buckle up. The December run has begun!

Your Holiday Relationship Survival Guide

No worries, I have your back! I am releasing "Your Holiday Relationship Survival Guide". It will begin on December 11th. You can receive the FREE guide by clicking here. For 12 consecutive days you will receive a short video that will help you address one of the many challenges of the holidays. My cohost, Amanda Berlin on The All About We Podcast and I talk about the things that add stress during the holidays. I offer some practical tips you can use to keep the happy in the holidays. Each video is 10 minutes or under. Easy and on-the-go! Take a quick look at the topics the Survival Guide will cover.

Managing expectations: your family’s, your friends’ and your own!
Materialism and obligations: the things that sap the true meaning of the holidays
Grief: the crushing sadness that sometimes permeates the season
Family drama:the nagging, the passive aggression, and the downright insulting stuff that makes you want to stay away all together
Spending: the financial pressure of the season
Loneliness: deal with feeling disconnected during the “most wonderful time of the year”
Overwhelm:so many demands, so little time
Exhaustion: the pressure to spread ourselves too thin
Self-Esteem: managing temptation with indulgence
Travel: finding peace during the most volatile of all holiday experiences
Estrangement: learn to repair or deepen bonds with meaningful people in your life
Kid craziness: enjoy the holidays through you kids’ eyes, instead of living in fear that they will misbehave

Think about how happier your holiday can be when you not only have all the gifts wrapped, but you have your head and heart in a good place too! Imagine working as team, like Mr. & Mrs. Claus above. I have solutions to your stress. Solutions that work!

Sign up Now!

It's free. No strings attached. The Holiday Survival Kit is my gift to you! What do you have to lose? More importantly, what will you gain when you invest in less than 10 minutes a day to gain perspective and get proven strategies. Sign me up for the Holiday Survival Kit!

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Spending

donald — Sun, 11 Dec 2016 14:33:48 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 1 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide we tackle the topic of spending. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I discuss how to make gift-giving a meaningful experience without breaking the bank! Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Guide to Feeling Overwhelmed

donald — Mon, 12 Dec 2016 12:54:44 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 2 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide we tackle the topic of feeling overwhelmed by the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I discuss how deal with stress and share some specific steps to take to reduce feeling overwhelmed. Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Managing Expectations

donald — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 13:47:36 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 3 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide we about managing expectations in the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I discuss how deal with stress and share some specific steps to take to manage expectations of others and your own. Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Travel

donald — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 12:41:48 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 4 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide we unpack traveling in the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I discuss how deal with travel stress and share some specific steps to take to help you and the kids be at your best on the road or in the air! Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 10 minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Grief

donald — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 14:31:25 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 6 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to cope with grief during the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about how you can also support others who recently experienced a loss. Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Dealing with Family Drama

donald — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 12:48:14 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 7 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to deal with family drama during the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about 5 ways you can deal with family drama during the holidays. Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Loneliness

donald — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 14:56:54 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 8 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to cope with loneliness during the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about 3 things to do to manage feelings of loneliness during the holidays. Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Self-Care

donald — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 15:40:37 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 9 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to give yourself a gift of self-care during the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about 5 practical ways you can be kind to yourself this holiday season. Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Repairing Relationships

donald — Mon, 19 Dec 2016 02:16:29 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 10 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to be open to repairing relationships during the holidays. Seeing someone in a family gathering with whom you have a strained relationship can be unpleasant. You may want to repair things. The other person may or may not. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about 3 ways to approach the holidays seeing someone with whom you have an impaired relationship. Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 10 minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Kids

donald — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 13:46:07 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 11 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to help your kids keep their happy during the holidays. The pace of the holiday season can take a toll on your kid's mood and attitude. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I share practical tips to help your kids navigate holiday events. Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 10 minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide on Finding Meaning

donald — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 12:34:22 +0000

[powerpress] The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 12 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to find meaning during the holidays. For many, Christmas is more than a gift-giving event. It is a celebration of the birth of a Savior. Others have their own religious traditions. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I share how to embrace the meaning of the holidays and pass it along to your kids. Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 10 minutes or under! Click the link above. You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

5 Breakable Habits to a Better Marriage

donald — Sun, 01 Jan 2017 15:56:08 +0000

[powerpress] For a guy who spends the better part of his day focusing on clients, listening with intent to every word they say, and giving them some feedback that ensures they are being heard, I have a bad habit at home. You guessed it. Sometimes when I'm focusing on something I don't hear a word my wife says. It's a bad habit that sometimes irritates Marian. I get annoyed when she leaves an arsenal of shoes in the foyer. It looks like Nordstrom's half yearly sale! Okay. Deep breath. Truth be told, we have a better marriage in part because we work on breaking bad habits. Here's what we discovered. It doesn't take too much time or energy to listen or pick up shoes. We remember a small effort matters in a big way to the other person. Every couple can have a better marriage by changing at least one of these 5 breakable habits.

Breakable habit #1 - Doing things you know irritates your spouse

Leaving clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink or other messy habits stresses out your spouse. Or maybe your the one who makes everyone wait. Your bad habit can ruin the event for both of you. Bad habits add stress to a marriage. Why not change one? Breakable solution #1 - Do the opposite behavior for 21 straight days. Put your plate and glass in the dishwasher. Get ready 5 minutes earlier for the event. Do this for 21 days in a row and you will form a new habit.

Breakable habit #2 - Keeping score

This is a bad habit most couples get into from time-to-time. Keeping score on the things your spouse is doing wrong. Keeping score on the things you are doing right. No one wins using this strategy! Here's a win-win solution. Breakable solution #2 - Keep score of the things your spouse is doing right. Did you know people are more motivated to repeat an action when they get positive feedback? Turn a complaint into a compliment. This is what works in our marriage. When we both agreed to work on breaking a bad habit, we cut each other some slack. Instead of complaining, we complimented each other when the new action was performed. "Thank you for putting your shoes away. It de-stresses me when I walk through the door." "Thank you for stopping to listen to me. It makes me feel important."

Breakable habit #3 - Habit of blaming

During conflict couples can get caught up blaming each other. Being defensive and turning the problem back on your spouse is a bad habit that can wreck your marriage. It also reflects some insecurity within you about owning your stuff. Here's a better approach. Breakable solution #3 - Own your faults. Nobody is perfect, including you. Embrace this and it will make a big difference in your marriage. It's as simple as saying, "You're right. No excuses. I shouldn't have said/done that..."

Breakable habit #4 - Habit of jumping to conclusions

This bad habit gets spouses into trouble time and again. Assuming you know what your partner is thinking. Rushing to judgment about his/her motive. More often than not these are misassumptions. I see this often in my work with couples. Try this habit on for size. Breakable solution #4 - Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Rather than assume you know, why not check it out first? Ask clarifying questions like "Help me understand what you meant by what you said." Marian and I will "check-in" with each other if we sense something is wrong or one of us is upset. It goes like this. "Hey I want to check in with you. Is everything okay with us?" Doing this with a respectful tone works well every time.

Breakable habit #5 - Habit of putting your marriage on the back-burner

In my opinion, of the 5, this is the worst of all. Sadly, it is the most common bad habit I see today. Nonetheless, it is a breakable habit. I understand the pressures of work, raising kids, and managing a household. Been there - done that. It's challenging. I've heard (and made) all the excuses too--tired, no money, take a rain check. [Tweet "Forming this one habit made a huge difference in my marriage."] Breakable solution #5 - Give your marriage some front-burner time. Front-burner time doesn't take too much effort. Here are some simple ways to get moving.

Start and end the day by connecting - morning kiss, ask about your day, cuddle time, etc...
Do a "check-in" during the course of the day to see how it is going
If you are spiritual, pray with or for each other
Establish a regular date night on your calendar as a repeating event (weekly, bi-weekly, monthly)
Plan on couple overnight or weekend getaway
Make a list of things to do this year and place it in a visible area

Now it's your turn

Think about one breakable habit you want to change this year. Enter the starting day in your calendar and commit to the new habit over the next 21 days.

3 Signs Your Marriage is at Risk

donald — Sun, 08 Jan 2017 02:59:19 +0000

[powerpress] It doesn't feel right. "We are not connected." You convince yourself it will get better. "We're just busy. A lot going on. Everyone else seems to have their struggles too. Maybe I just need to adapt to the way things are now. Note to self - Don't be so uptight!" Sound familiar?

Frog in the Kettle Syndrome

If you've had similar thoughts you may be experiencing the "frog in the kettle" syndrome. This metaphor is based on an alleged study in the 19th century. Scientists placed a frog in a pot of water and very slowly raised the heat. The frog's body temperature adapted to the environment, unaware of the risk. Having waited too long to act, the water reached a boiling point. Lacking leaping ability the frog was boiled to death!

Are you adapting to a substandard marriage?

I've observed a trend in marriages. Couples are settling for less. Many have traded romantic partners for roommates. They complain about the toils of working, raising kids, and keeping a house. Their marriage receives minuscule attention. Harried couples are just trying to keep the family on track. Research indicates that marital satisfaction decreases during the child-bearing/rearing years. Makes sense. Couples have to invest time in kids. But how low will you settle for before your marriage reaches its boiling point? Here are 3 danger signs your marriage is at risk and what you can do to stop it.

Neglect - you're doing okay but you're not spending time together

This happens in the first year or two after you become parents. You have the new job. Bought the house, car, etc... Now you bring home your first baby. Everything is so new and exciting! But you're busy. Busy. Real busy adjusting to this new family. Here's where couples begin thinking the marriage will just have to adapt. You think, "Well, we're not spending as much time together, but we'll get to it. Heck, everything is going pretty good for us." Most couples go through this. It's normal. However too much neglect sets you up for risk #2.

Emotional Drift - you're fighting more and not getting your needs met

Too much neglect increases conflict. You fight over roles, expectations, and assumptions about who is supposed to be doing what. Unresolved arguments fuel emotional drift. Attempts to connect are often missed or rejected based on what is going on. Hurt feelings perpetuate the drift. Nonetheless, the couple continue to adapt to the situation thinking it will get better on its own. This is a mistake and it sets couples up for the 3rd risk.

Avoidance - you're in a state of co-existence and neither of you are trying

Couples who don't find a way to drift back together get accustomed to the distance. They end up avoiding the marriage. Tired of fighting to get their needs met, they look elsewhere. It could be work, kids, or separate social lives. Some seek connection in an affair. Expecting your marriage to adapt too long is dangerous. Like the frog in the kettle your relationship can reach a boiling point. For some it's too late. Marriage doesn't have to end in tragedy. You can do something to stop it. Here are 5 tips you can follow right away. Tip #1 - Stop adapting to a substandard marriage.

Avoiding is no longer a solution. Take some action.

Tip #2 - Frame things as a "we problem" to solve

If your problem is neglect - "We seem to be doing well as a family, but we are neglecting our marriage."
If your problem is emotional drift - "It feels like we are drifting from each other and it worries me. I'm starting to feel lonely. How about you?"
If your problem is avoidance - "I'm sure would agree we are struggling. It seems all we do now is avoid each other. Maybe we need to get some help before it gets worse."

Tip #3 - Adapt your busy life to your marriage

Take a look at your calendar. What is occupying too much space?
Perhaps you can trim some fat off of your work schedule.
Consider eliminating one of the kid activities/sports programs.
Get your marriage some premium time on the calendar.

Tip #4 - Get some couples coaching/counseling to get on track

Smart couples invest in marriage.
Smart couples see the value in professional support.
Smart couples reap the benefits of renewed companionship and romance.

Tip #5 - If your spouse refuses to work on your marriage then work on you

You don't have to sit in a pot waiting for it to boil.
Take responsibility for your quality of life.
Unpack things with a professional.

Now it's your turn

What state of existence is your marriage in? Neglect? Emotional drift? Avoidance? Are you tired of simply adapting while everyone and everything else gets priority attention? Review the 5 tips. Which one do you plan to take action on now?

3 ways to slow down and enjoy your life

donald — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 14:03:30 +0000

[powerpress] We were vacationing in Washington, D.C. I didn't have the energy to walk for than a hundred yards before I had to sit down. Later that evening in a cold sweat, I was taken to Georgetown University Hospital. The next morning the doctor and I had a long conversation about my busy life. He said, "Don, you're 30 years old with young kids. Do you want to enjoy life, see them marry and be a grandfather? If so, you have to slow down your pace. You're moving way too fast." I spent a week in that hospital recovering from a virus that completely sapped my energy. The bedside chat with the doctor was a wakeup call that saved my life. Today I continue to slow down and enjoy a full life with my adult kids and grandkids! Don't wait for a crisis to get your attention. Here are 3 simple ways you can slow down and enjoy your life.

Slow down your pace

Do you live a hectic lifestyle? If so, you are not alone. Stressed out parents reach out to me on a regular basis seeking help to cope with a myriad of mental health and relationship problems. These are symptomatic of a chronically busy life. Spending my vacation in a hospital gave me time to think about how to slow my hectic pace. Clearly I needed to make time for relaxation and enjoyment with my family. I focused on two things: stress management and increasing margin for family time. One of the decisions I made that worked well was setting up a basketball court in our driveway. I played ball with my kids and their friends. Eventually some of the dads joined us. Reflect on what you can do to slow down your pace a little. Here's some food for fodder.

Cut back an hour or two of work
Eliminate one of the kid's activities and use this time to play together
Limit volunteer and/or committee work
Establish a "down time day" routine and relax cuddling on the couch (see pic above)

Slow down your thoughts

In a fast-pace world we have a tendency to operate our brains at high speed. Multitasking all day long while moving from one event to the next is not good! Slowing down your thoughts is about being more self-aware. Being present with yourself. Monitoring your thoughts and feelings in a given moment. In his book, "Thinking Slow & Fast" author Daniel Kahneman talks about two thinking systems:

Automatic thinking system based on the subconscious mind and emotions is fast.
Deliberate thinking system based on conscious mind using logic is slower.

Kahneman argues that we rely too much on system one thinking and it can get us into trouble. Slowing down (system 2) increases self-awareness and affords the opportunity to think things through more clearly. Here are some suggestions on how to slow down your thoughts

Spiritual reading and prayer
Taking 5-20 minutes a day to meditate
Deep breathing and stress relaxation exercises
Going for a walk outdoors without use of electronic devices
Taking a few minutes before the start of the day or an activity to deep breathe and reflect on how you want to be present with others

Slow down your reactions

This is about managing yourself in a social world--especially in your family. One of the measures of emotional intelligence is self-expression and interpersonal relationships. You can enjoy your life and relationships more if you can slow down your reactions to people by being more thoughtful and deliberate in how you act. Slowing down helps you manage impulsivity in stressful situations. It increases stress tolerance. Slowing yourself down allows you to execute a respectful response toward others. This is especially important in stressful situations. Here are a few slowing down practices:

Take deep breaths and count to ten
Paraphrase what you hear someone say before you respond
Ask clarifying questions to increase your understanding of the other person
Speak slowly

My "go to" when I need to slow down my reaction time is a verse of scripture I memorized.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

Benefits you can expect when you slow down

Here are 5 benefits you can expect when you slow down.

More control of your life.
Shift from a hectic pace to a healthy pace.
Increase in happiness.
Increase in satisfying relationships.
Improved health (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually).

Now it's your turn

Don't be like me and need a bedside chat with a doctor to get your attention. You can relax and enjoy your life today by taking action in one or all three of these areas. Which one will you choose right now?

How to use a time-out when an argument gets out of control

donald — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 11:59:19 +0000

[powerpress] You're just trying to get dinner on the table so the kids can eat, finish homework, take baths, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. But the kids aren't cooperating and your spouse is stuck on the phone dealing with a client problem. Things are heating up--and I'm not referring to what's on the stove. The phone call ends. You glare at your partner and say, "You know, I can use a little help over here." You're spouse snaps back, "I just walked through the door and was on the phone with an irate client. Can you cut me some slack here? Stop being such a pain in my butt!" You know how this act goes. War breaks out. Dinner is a disaster. Kids' misbehavior adds more fuel to the fire. The two of you end up sleeping in separate beds---again. This could've been avoided had someone called a time-out.

What a time-out is and is not

Relationships can benefit from a time-out when an argument is getting out of control. When I share this with couples they often reply, "We tried that and it doesn't work." When I ask the "why?" question, the response I often get is, "Well, we go our separate ways and never resolve the argument." This is when I politely inform them, "That is not a time-out. It's called withdrawal." What a time-out is not

it is not ending an argument abruptly
it is not withdrawing from a partner
it is not controlling the argument or your partner

What a time-out is

it is a time limited break in an argument
it is for the purpose of lowering emotional intensity
it is used to maintain mutual respect while working through a conflict

Here's my definition of a time-out.

A time-out is an effective communication tool designed to regulate emotional intensity and maintain respect in an argument. ~ Don Olund

5 Situations when a time-out will help.

When you feel yourself becoming too angry and cannot control it in the moment.
When an argument you're having is heating up fast.
When the timing of an argument is not suited for discussion.
When the argument is already out of control and going nowhere but down.
When your partner is amping up on you and it doesn't feel safe or respectful.

How to Execute a Time-out Effectively

The time-out allows you to manage your emotional intensity. It helps to maintain respect in the relationship when you’re at odds with each other.

Rule #1 - When one partner calls for a time-out the other partner has to honor it

The goal here is to manage the conflict together
Either you manage your conflict or the conflict manages your relationship
View the time-out as a friend to your relationship
Never use the statement - “You need a time-out!”
Option #1 - I need a time out.
Option #2 - I think we need a time out.

Rule #2 - Use the time-out to cool off in separate space

Go to an area where you can cool down
Do not follow your partner around
Do not try to dictate or control where your partner goes to cool down.

Rule #3 - Use the time-out to regroup and gather your thoughts

Distract your mind from the argument to allow your emotions to cool down.
Once you have cooled down, think about how to get your point across in a more respectful manner.
Consider what your partner was trying to say.
Think about how you plan to give your partner the respect to be heard.

Rule #4 - The person who calls the time-out is responsible to re engage the conversation.

Express to your partner that you are ready to talk.
Check in with your partner to see if he/she is ready to talk.
If your partner is not ready then he/she now owns the time-out.
When your partner is ready this person needs to re engage the conversation.

Rule #5 - Agree together to give each other the opportunity to speak without interruption and consideration of position or opinion.

Paraphrase what your partner says to you
Seek to understand your partner.
Use “I statements” when you express your thoughts and feelings.
Seek points of agreement.
Be flexible with each other in order to find compromise
Admit your faults when you realize you are wrong.

Back to the Kitchen

The couple in the heated argument would have been well-served by taking a time-out. Arguing while trying to get dinner on the table and dealing with kids' antics is poor timing. Here is how a time-out would be effective. "Look, I cannot handle an argument with you right now. I need a time-out. Can we take 5 minutes to chill and try coming together again?" In Rule #1, the spouse honors the request. 5 minutes or so later the spouse who called the time-out informs the other that he/she is ready to talk and asks the other if he/she is ready too. If so, they can defuse the conflict more effectively together.

Now it's your turn

So what's your plan for the time-out tool? For more on this topic, listen to the All About We Podcast at the top of this page. Listening with your spouse is even better!

10 Things Smart Couples do to Keep Their Love Alive

donald — Sat, 28 Jan 2017 23:45:40 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] I carry multiple licenses. Some for personal use. Others related to my profession. Each required competency testing to determine if I met a standard of qualification before issuance. Except one. A marriage license. No courses to take, books to read or tests to take. Shoot, all my fiancé and I had to do was show proof of identification and pay a $30.00 fee! With the divorce rate hovering around 50% you'd think states would require a basic level of preparation before they issue a marriage license. Family courts require couples to attend mediation and parenting classes as a pre-requisite to divorce. Sounds backwards doesn't it?

Smart Couples

Have you ever observed a couple in public and notice something special between them? Their gaze. How they talk to each other. The subtle attention they give. It's an aura that makes you wonder, "How do they do that?" They're doing something right--something that works. Something that keeps their love alive. They are a smart couple. I see smart couples in my office. They are doing the best they can but they're stuck. Instead of avoiding the situation, they reach out for help. Sometimes they need a little coaching to get unstuck. Other times, a smart couple needs to do a deeper dive in counseling. Either way, the couple is smart enough to know that they need help to get unstuck. Over the years I have logged several thousand hours of couples counseling/coaching. I am not only an expert on relationships, I also remain a student too. My clients continue to teach me. So does my marriage. Here is my take on smart couples. 10 things they do to keep their love alive.

10 Things Smart Couples Do To Keep Their Love Alive

Below is the list of ten things. I will share a point or two about each one. If you want to get more check out the All About We Podcast link above. I do a deeper dive on each of the 10 points with my co-host Amanda Berlin.

#1: Smart couples work on bringing the best version of themselves to the relationship.

This is about working to improve yourself regularly. If you don't love yourself, how can you love your mate.

#2: Smart couples grant each other the right to live authentically without judgment.

I'm referring to accepting your mate for who he/she is and not judging or trying to change them. It's important to give each other space to breathe in the relationship.

#3: Smart couples are students, learning from each other and the experts on how to nurture the relationship.

Never stop being curious about your spouse. Needs change as we age. Listen well. Take mental notes. Adjust accordingly. Read books. Seek coaching/counseling from the experts.

#4: Smart couples keep their relationship a priority make sure they spend time together alone on a weekly basis.

Smart couples don't make excuses why they can't spend time together. They can offer several reasons why they choose each other first over other things. SCs plan time and find pockets of time to connect.

#5 Smart couples tend to be fun and adventure junkies.

They enjoy playing, laughing, and seek new experiences together.

#6: Smart couples work through problems together.

Neither are afraid to own up to their faults and apologize. SCs work on changing negative behavior if it poses a problem to the relationship.

#7: Smart couples engage in intimacy regularly by being kind, affectionate, and romantic.

Intimacy is a rhythm in a smart couple relationship. They keep it going throughout the day in ways that connect well. Romance and sexual intimacy is mutually satisfying.

#8: Smart couples function as partners in parenting.

SCs know that if you're not working as a team it will damage the marriage. They strive to have each other's back when dealing with kid challenges.

#9: Smart couples support each other's individual aspirations.

They respect each other's personal pursuits and accommodate accordingly. SCs support each other's careers.

#10: Smart couples share a common bond in spirituality.

They are joined by a similar belief system. SCs rely on their faith as a guide on their journey in good and bad times along the way.

Now it's your turn

How many of the ten are working in your relationship? Do you have something to add to the list? Leave a comment below. What is one thing you want to do now to help keep your love alive? [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Click the link above to listen to the All About We Podcast on this topic![/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How to Out Smart Your Kid's Obsession with Smartphones

donald — Sat, 04 Feb 2017 16:06:48 +0000

[powerpress]

"Everyone here has the sense that right now is one of those moments when we are influencing the future." Steve Jobs

Ten years ago Steve Jobs set things in motion when he introduced the iPhone. His goal was to create a device that formed a bond with the user. In his own words, "I want to make a phone people love." Soon other tech companies caught on and an explosion of smart devices (phones, tablets, watches) expanded across the globe. Statistics report over 2 billion people now own a smartphone. It is safe to say Steve Jobs achieved his goal to make a dent in the universe.

A Device Obsession

Smart phones and tablets make connecting to a social world virtually effortless. Young and old alike are attached to their devices. For some it's an obsession. Common Sense Media conducted a poll. Here's what it found:

50% of teens believe they are addicted to their devices
59% of parents also think their kids are addicted to their devices

[Tweet "Devices that connect to a social universe disconnect us from the people closest to us--our family."]

The Impact of a Device Obsession on Kids

I recommend every parent watch the movie "Men, Women & Children". (It's free on Amazon Video if you are a prime member.) It will give you a sobering look at the impact social media has on family relationships. Here are 5 areas a device obsession negatively impacts your kids.

Impact on family relationships - parents and kids spend less time interacting with each other and increased time interacting with their devices.
Impact on development of social skills - kids rely on their devices to communicate with others. Many lack basic social skills of communication.
Impact on identity development - in a social universe kids are exposed to ideas and trends that influence how they see themselves. Many suffer from low self-esteem.
Impact on social relationships - kids enjoy the ease of making and connecting with friends via social media. Unfortunately, many suffer hardship by the harmful tactics some kids use to "unfriend" or bully others.
Impact on mental health - an increase in depression, anxiety, impulse control and obsessive-compulsive disorders are associated with kids who spend too much time on their devices.

How to Outsmart your kid's obsession

I see a growing concern among parents about their kids' obsession with devices. "Her iPhone is attached to her body!" one parent exclaimed. Another parent expressed worry about her teen's reaction if she tried to set limits. "I'm afraid of the meltdown my kid will have if I take the phone away." When I was young, kids feared their parents reaction. Today it seems the opposite occurs. I'm calling for a parent revolution. It's time to get back control over your kids. Every parent can outsmart their kids obsession with smartphones by following 5 action steps.

Step 1 - Before you give a device to your kid establish a purpose and rules.

Internet-based devices are powerful instruments. They connect your kids to a global community. Gone are the days when your kids' "friends" could only enter through the front door of your home. Now they sneak in the back door social media portals. It is important to establish age-appropriate rules about the purpose and use of devices. Do you give them smartphones because their friends have them? Or do they serve a purpose in your family? Before you distribute the device, establish rules and communicate them to your kids. Be sure you follow through on the rules or you will feed your kid's obsession!

Step 2 - Schedule "device detox" time in the family.

Establish times during the day when the family goes offline on devices. Three times of the day that make sense.

The morning before going to school.
At dinner time.
At bedtime.

Step 3 - Use the detox time to connect as a family

When devices are off (including TV) you can spend time talking over dinner, playing a board game or in the yard. The kids may grumble and complain initially. If you withstand the resistance they will eventually come to enjoy it.

Step 4 - Establish security controls to monitor device use.

Devices give kids have access to dangerous sites. Parental controls protects them from exposure to harmful material and/or people. Parents often complain that their kids ignore orders to shut off their phones and refuse to hand them over. Now you can restrict your kids from smartphone use without physically taking them away. Apps are available to help you monitor your kid's access to the internet and to lock their phones remotely if they ignore your calls/texts.

Kidtrol child lock app allows you to disable third party apps from your device.
Ignore No More is a parent control app that allows you to lock your child's phone remotely.

Step 5 - Create experiences for your kids to connect organically.

Busy families spend a bulk of time in school and sport activities. Kids spend travel time on their devices. What they often lack is time outdoors enjoying nature. During a "device detox" take your kids outdoors and enjoy nature. This is not a time for Pokemon! Hike forest preserves. Go to a local park. Buy a sled and head for the nearest hill. Create experiences that foster connection with each other in the beauty of nature.

Now it's your turn

What do you do to outsmart your kid's use of devices? Share your strategy in the comment section below. If you are currently being outsmarted by your kids, what action step are you prepared to take to get the control back?

What to do when you accidentally trip your spouse's emotional triggers

donald — Sun, 12 Feb 2017 12:54:22 +0000

[powerpress] Everything seems to be going well between you. You're having a good day. Suddenly you say or do something rather benign and your spouse explodes or overreacts emotionally. You're wondering, "What just happened?" Guess what? You accidentally tripped your spouse's emotional trigger.

What are emotional triggers?

Here are a few things you should know about emotional triggers (ETs):

ETs are universal - everyone has one or more
ETs are unique - each person develops an ET based on personal experiences
ETs are usually formed in early childhood and embed in the unconscious mind
ETs develop when basic needs are not met in a predictable fashion
- (Basic needs: belonging, acceptance, security, freedom, love, recognition)
ETs are activated by a "perceived" threat to personal well-being or safety

Types of emotional triggers

Here are 7 common emotional triggers that activate in couple relationships:

Abandonment - you will leave me or I cannot depend on you to be there for me when I need you.
Harm - your actions toward me are intended to hurt me emotionally or physically.
Guilt - you always think I am at fault and blame me.
Shame - you think I am bad in my core
Rejection - you don’t think I am good enough
Anger - you want to control me and I won’t let you.
Inadequacy - you criticize me because you don’t think I measure up to your expectations/standards.

What happens when ETs go off?

The brain's "fight-flight" system is activated. Your spouse will either attack with intense anger or retreat in fear. You are viewed as an adversary. This happens because your spouse's perception of you is distorted by an apparent threat to their sense of well-being.

7 ways to respond when your mate's emotional trigger is activated

Here are seven sequential steps you can take to respond to your spouse and effectively disarm the trigger.

Do your best to stay calm. A knee-jerk reaction is to return fire or get defensive. It will only make the matter worse. Your best move is to take deep breaths and find your calm.
Do not be defensive. Easier said than done, but done nonetheless it must be!
Respond with a soft tone when you speak. Rehearse in your mind how you want to speak your words. Get the tone right and you will lower the emotional intensity between you.
Label and validate the emotional your spouse is expressing. Labeling emotions helps neutralize them. "I can see you are upset right now..."
Apologize for the "unintended harm" your actions caused. You may think you didn't nothing wrong, why should you apologize. This is not a time to defend your actions. Empathy is what your spouse needs. "I am sorry that what I said/did upset you..."
Clarify the intention of your actions. Here is where you can address the accusation more effectively. "I did not mean to make you look bad. I was trying to help you solve the problem."
Reassure your spouse that you care about him/her. "I understand how you feel and want you to know that I love you and care about you."

The Benefit to Your Relationship

Following these 7 steps will help you deal with an emotional trigger without losing your cool. Your spouse will feel safe. Here is another important outcome. The emotional wound begins to heal. It may not happen the first time. But the more you follow this approach the greater likelihood it won't happen as often.

Now it's your turn

Go through the list of emotional triggers. Can you identify your own? Which one(s) can you identify in your spouse. For more on how to manage your emotional triggers check out these two blogs I posted: http://www.donolund.com/recognizing-emotional-triggers http://www.donolund.com/master-emotional-triggers

How to Create a "Wow Effect" in Your Marriage

donald — Sat, 18 Feb 2017 14:32:45 +0000

[powerpress] Yesterday morning while laying in bed my wife Marian brought me a cup of coffee. Nothing unusual. It's part of our morning routine. Until I looked in the cup and noticed she made a mistake. "Sweetheart, you gave me your cup of coffee." (I drink my coffee black.) "Oh no Big Boy." she replied with a cute smile. "This is your coffee. I added a splash of Baileys." "Wow! Thank-you babe!" I responded. Marian created a "wow effect". This small, thoughtful gesture brightened up morning. It also set the tone for the remainder of the day AND gave me the inspiration to write this blog!

What is a "Wow Effect"?

The Urban Dictionary defines a "wow effect" as a special state of mind that occurs when you are surprised by something wonderful or really great. Oprah Winfrey, the Queen of the "wow effect" occasionally dazzled her audience with an unexpected lavish gift. Steve Jobs, the King of the "wow effect" ended his developers conference presentation by saying "Oh, there is one more thing..." Then he wowed the audience with an introduction of an amazing product. Check out this YouTube. A few years ago I wowed Marian when I booked a junior suite at the Woodlands Mansion in Summerville, just outside of Charleston, SC. It was a converted mansion with only 18 guest rooms. When we arrived the Concierge politely informed me, "Mr. Olund, the Governor's Suite is available and with your permission we prefer to upgrade you at no extra charge." I call that a "double wow".

Marriages deserve an occasional "wow"

Relationships often get mired in the routines of life together. Every day can be a repeat of the one before. I call it the Groundhog Day Syndrome based on the 1993 classic comedy featuring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell. Are you tired of your relationship running on autopilot? Does your marriage need something to liven it up? If you answered "yes" to these questions then you need a "wow effect". What a "wow effect" communicates:

It demonstrates thoughtfulness.
It creates the element of surprise.
It makes the recipient feel important or cared for.
It fosters positive sentiment in the marriage.
It is likely to be reciprocated.

How to Create a "Wow Effect"

To break the Groundhog Day Syndrome, stop complaining and do something about it. In the movie, Phil decided he was going to do random acts of kindness for people. Basically, he had a change of heart. So, here's where you begin. Start from your heart. Choose to be kind and do thoughtful things without expecting anything in return. This is called "unconditional love". To prime the pump of your creativity, let me give you some easy-to-do "wow effect" suggestions.

Do a household task that you know your spouse wants done without waiting to be asked
Take extra care of your wife when she is sick (I got this one from a client who boasted about all the really cool things her husband did while she was in bed sick for four days)
Send a sentimental card to his/her office (I use the ThankyouPro app. It does everything for you, including sending a gift card)
Get dressed up real nice when you go out together for the day or on a date
Do a year-in-pictures album or video (easy to do on most photo apps)
Give her a "spa day" just because you know she needs one
Give him a "lazy day" to do whatever he wants
Spice up a night of romance
Wash and detail her car
Buy him a Car & Driver magazine and leave it on his bedside

The success of the "wow effect" is the element of surprise. Here's a few things to remember:

Don't announce what you're going to do
Don't make a big deal about it
Don't make it about you
Make it about your spouse
Do it without expecting something in return (base it on unconditional love)
If you don't get a response don't conclude it failed and give up (this is especially important for distressed couples)

What to do when you've been "wowed"!

If you are on the receiving end of the "wow effect" your response is important. If I kept my response to the cup of coffee to myself it would have weakened the effect. Expressing "wow" to Marian established a positive connection to start our day. Make sense? Here are some things to do when you've been wowed:

Make a big deal out of it in the moment!
Remind your spouse later how much it meant to you. Be specific. For example, “Thank you for washing and detailing my car. I have so much going on driving the kids back n forth. I know it gets messy and I can never find the time to get it done. I was relaxed driving the car today.”
Think and act positive toward your spouse.
Find a way to reciprocate that day or later in the week when he/she least expects it. That’s the wow factor!

Now it's your turn

What is one thing you plan to do this week to create a "wow effect" in your marriage?

5 Naughty Habits in a Hot Marriage

donald — Sat, 25 Mar 2017 12:15:52 +0000

[powerpress] In the course of the week my wife is going to look me in the eye and with a sexy voice say, "You naughty boy". It's not because I've done something wrong. Au contraire, I succeeded in a flirtatious way to get her attention! It's one of several naughty habits we know fuels a hot marriage. The term "hot marriage" conjures up various images. For me, I boil it down to one word: passion. I want a heart-pumping, passionate relationship. So, let me share with you 5 naughty habits Marian and I do to fuel a hot marriage.

The habit of flirting

Yes, it's true. We are both flirts. It's a naughty habit. But we do this only with each other. Flirting takes on various forms during the course of the week. It is intended to keep the hunt active in our relationship. "The hunt" is what activates a romantic relationship. Think about when you first met your spouse/partner. How did the relationship start and what fueled it in the early days? Was it not the hunt? Generally, speaking men love to hunt and women love to be hunted. The pursuit and capture is passionate and romantic. What generally happens once couples settle in? That's right, they give up on the hunt. They start chasing the American Dream and neglect each other. If you want to have a hot marriage, develop the naughty habit of flirting--with each other.

The habit of name-calling

In May we will celebrate our 17th anniversary. Over the course of time we developed the naughty habit of name-calling. We still do it today. It's totally hot. The names are code language that conveys a sentiment we are feeling at the time. Some are cute and silly as my wife would say. Name-calling is also erotic, signalling the "you turn me on" message. If you want to fuel passion in your marriage do some name-calling. Make sure it conveys a positive sentiment. Negative name-calling is a "sure fire way" to fuel an argument.

The habit of speaking your mate's love language

Do you know each other's love language? More importantly, do you speak your mate's language? In 1995, author Gary Chapman released a ground-breaking book, The 5 Love Languages: How to express heartfelt love to your mate. Over 11 million copies of the book have been sold, helping couples learn how to discover and speak each other's love language.

Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch

Often couples speak their language when expressing love to their spouse. The response may not be as exciting as they expect. Why? Because your spouse may not share your love language. Learn your spouse's love language. Get into the habit of speaking it. Doing it daily keeps the flame of passion glowing in your hot marriage.

The habit of saying "I'm sorry."

Every marriage has a "hot seat". You sit on it when you've done something wrong. When you're on the hot seat own it. Don't make excuses, blame, minimize, or change the subject. Just own the hot seat. Follow it up with "I'm sorry." I can honestly say that forgiveness occupies large space our hot marriage. We make it comfortable for each other to own our faults and repair them. The benefit here is that it shows respect to your spouse. Furthermore, it prevents the formation of resentment, a residue that clogs the portal of intimacy. Here is my five step "Repair Kit" for forgiveness:

Admit your offense.
Acknowledge how it specifically hurt your spouse.
Accept responsibility without blame or excuses.
Ask for forgiveness.
Agree with your spouse that you will work on changing the negative behavior.

The habit of going to bed together

This is a relatively new habit in our marriage. Our work schedules differ. During weekdays I return home later in the evening. Marian goes to bed early. Often when I come home she's asleep. So my routine was eat a late dinner, watch some TV and fall asleep on the couch. Later, I would crawl into bed. Lately, I tweaked this approach and go to bed right after dinner. I usually have my iPad in bed, but I am close nearby my sleeping beauty. She will reach over give me a kiss, lay her arm on my chest for awhile and go back to sleep. On the weekends, we always go to bed together. I find that the habit of going to bed and waking together establishes a good rhythm in marriage. Going to bed also gives you time to connect. We have some of our best conversations laying in bed where we can relax. As this pattern forms, it also increases intimacy and can increase activation of the sex drive.

Now it's your turn

So, I shared some naughty habits about how we maintain a hot marriage. Maybe you have some habits of your own you would like to share. Feel free to leave a comment below or on one of my social media sites. I only ask that you keep them PG for the sake of our audience! Perhaps you're relationship is not so hot. If it has cooled off, what is one naughty habit you plan to try?[vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" google_plus="https://plus.google.com/102055073409420077319" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/in/don-olund-37519219"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Super Easy 7 Day Couple Connection Challenge

donald — Sun, 26 Feb 2017 14:12:24 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] Busy, busy, busy. Pulled in several directions at the same time! Describe your world? I know it can get real crazy between work, kids, and keeping the house looking halfway decent. If you follow this blog, you've heard me address the "back burner syndrome" many couples experience. No matter how much you say you need time together it rarely gets front burner attention. Something more pressing gets in the way.

Back Burner Syndrome is Bad on marriage

Marriage cannot tolerate neglect too long before it suffers. Here are symptoms of back burner syndrome.

more talk on tasks to be done
less talk on connecting with each other
personal and relationship needs lack attention
conflicts over expectations increase
emotional drift sets in
walls are built

Neither spouse is happy hiding behind a wall. It just feels safe. Fewer arguments. Lower risk of rejection. You may be wondering. "How long do we hide behind our walls? Can we find a way to connect again?" [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Listen to my interview on this topic in the All About We Podcast link above.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How to give your marriage front burner time

Couples are quick to admit they want to spend more time together. I hear this daily in my office. Moving into that space is difficult. When I ask, "How do you want to do this?" I get a "deer in the headlights" reaction. Couples are afraid to act. Fear of disappointment creeps in. "Will my partner put in the effort?" Don't allow fear to keep your relationship stuck on the back burner! Here's how you can begin to move toward the front.

Make this your mantra: "Our marriage deserves front burner time."
Make a promise to move into front burner space.
Get over the awkwardness of trying.
Take my super easy 7 day couple connection challenge.

Super easy 7 day couple challenge

To move your marriage to the front burner this week we need to break the awkwardness of trying. This is especially important for couples who have been hiding behind walls for a while. Each activity can be done in as little as 6 seconds (although this might be the toughest) and no longer than 7 minutes. Not too difficult right? So let's begin the challenge!

Day 1: Ask and answer these two questions.

What was one of your favorite songs in high school?
What did you like about the song?

Be curious. Don't judge each other's music! No negative comments. Show a genuine interest. You might learn something you didn't know about your partner.

Day 2: Listen to each other's favorite song together.

This can actually be a fun experience. You can listen together to one in the morning and the other in the evening. Crank up the music! Bring the air guitar out of the closet. Sing and dance if you're in mood.

Day 3: Watch this YouTube Video together (1.5 minutes long)

This video is hilarious! After watching take another minute to talk about it. Share one takeaway you get about yourself from the video. Avoid commentary about your spouse! Instead, poke fun at yourself. https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

Day 4: Share a favorite couple photo

Dig into the archives and find a photo from the past. Share why you chose this particular photo, what you like about it, etc...

Day 5: Write a positive note and leave it in an unexpected place

Nothing better than a handwritten note that conveys something positive about your spouse. Here's a few samples:

You're great at your job. Have an awesome day!
That high school song you like is playing in my head right now. I'm thinking good things about us today.
I've taken you for granted for some time. But not today. I am lucky to have you in my life.

Day 6: Share a 6 second kiss

The shortest time in the 7 day challenge is the 6 second kiss. No excuses here. If you've been up to the challenge so far, this could actually be very nice! Now for some, this will be easy. You kiss regularly. For others who have been hiding behind walls for a while this might be the most challenging activity. Do your best. If you feel uncomfortable, try a 6 second hug or kiss on the cheek.

Day 7: Take 7 minutes to answer these 2 questions

What did you like most about the super easy 7 day couple challenge?
What would you like to do next week to keep the connection going?

Now it's your turn

The challenge is before you. If you're reading this alone, I recommend you do the following:

Forward the link to your spouse.
Ask him/her to read it.
Move into the awkward space of asking if he/she is up to do the challenge with you.
Select a day and get a head start by picking songs and photos so you're more prepared.
Go for it!

5 Signs it's Time to Occupy the Co-Pilot Seat in Parenting Your Adult Kid

donald — Sat, 18 Mar 2017 17:51:27 +0000

[powerpress] I’m writing this blog in the Phoenix airport. In about an hour I will be leaving 90 degree temps in route to Chicago where I'll be greeted by snow and cold. That’s not why I am unhappy right now. I just left my son Jordan after a week-long father/son journey. My daughter Candace joined us for part of the trip. Unfortunately my other son Justin was unable to attend. After a few days of travel up the gut of the state to Sedona, Candace returned home. Jordan and I drove to San Diego with one mission in mind--learn how to surf. I booked a lesson with Pacific Surf. Our instructor David is a real surfer dude! (Check out the picture above) Mission accomplished. I got up two times but could not keep my balance to ride the wave. Jordan--he caught on rather quickly and caught some wave action. Here's a picture I took. Jordan had another mission in mind for San Diego. He wanted to scope out the area as a potential next destination to live. Jordan didn’t come out directly and say that he wanted to move. He hinted that he wants to live out there one day. Years ago he did the same about Arizona where he currently resides. What does a father do when his son wants to move further from home? Do I assume the pilot seat and control his path? Or do I move over to the co-pilot seat and offer support?

I’m a huge believer in giving adult kids the pilot seat when it’s time.

I know, it’s a scary proposition. A parent’s worse nightmare is giving their kid permission and something goes terribly wrong. Fear makes it hard for a parent to give up control of the pilot seat.

Fear of harm
Fear of failure
Fear of change

A parent’s fear of outcome often interferes with a child’s opportunity to take control of his or her life when it’s time. Listen, throughout the course of your kids' life there are times they need to be the pilot. You need to recognize it, move over and occupy the co-pilot seat. In the early years you are in the pilot seat the majority of the time. Kids are not ready to take that seat although they may think so! However, there are times even when they’re young that you can let them practice in the co-pilot seat. This is also important during adolescence. You can be there to step in if they are being reckless, etc… just don’t squash their curiosity. Step in to teach or coach. Step back and let them try to figure it out.

5 Ways to Prepare Your Kids for the Pilot Seat

Encourage their curiosity.
Allow them opportunity to “scratch their itch”.
Give them age-appropriate responsibilities. (Fosters autonomy)
Reframe experiences of failure as opportunity for learning and growth.
Encourage their problem-solving skills by letting them figure things out.

5 Signs It’s Time to Occupy the Co-Pilot Seat

If you’re preparing your child for independence by allowing them opportunity as a co-pilot to take the controls, it will be a lot easier to exchange seats when they enter adulthood. If you don’t prepare them, your adult kids may expect the privileges of flying but leave you with the responsibility of upkeep on the plane. Here are 5 signs that indicate it may be time to occupy the co-pilot seat.

When “Father Time” says it’s time.

Chronological age is an important determining factor. When your kid reaches adult age you really have to discuss changing seats. Discussion is intended to wean them off your financial support.

When they drop you hints that they are ready.

Listen. Pay attention to repeated declarations. Jordan dropped hints about San Diego long before our trip.

When you see them flying like a pilot (acting like an adult).

Watch how they handle things, make decisions, problem-solve their life. Consider what others tell you about your kid’s maturity. Other adults--neighbors, employers, teachers, or relatives often voice perspectives we don't see but manifest outside the home.

When they fight you for control of their life.

If you lock horns with your kids often you will experience turbulence when they reach the age of adulthood. They will do the opposite of what you want if they feel you don’t have confidence in their ability to figure things out. As a parent, you have to risk “perceived failure” and exchange seats. If you hold on too long you will produce an adult who never leaves home or one who moves far to get away from your control.

When you realize it is in their best interest that you exchange seats.

It’s time to let go and let your kid grow up. Allow them to struggle. Take that final step back so they can step up into their adulthood. They will feel good about themselves as they handle the responsibility of the pilot seat. Jordan and Candace insisted on picking up restaurant checks occasionally when we traveled. It's a rite of passage into adulthood when you hear them say, “I got this.”

1 thing to get on Spring Break

donald — Sun, 26 Mar 2017 15:36:18 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] So you're on spring break. Woo hoo! Hopefully your planned vacation or staycation is going as planned. Whether your plan is to soak in the sun or get some home projects done, I hope you do 1 thing different this spring break. I did this with my son Jordan and daughter Candace when we spent time together on his spring break. Then it happened again Wednesday night with my siblings and mom when we went to see her favorite country singer--Kris Kristopherson. We listened to his music religiously as teens growing up in my family. Now in their 80s, voices cracking, it was magical listening to mom sing along a short distance from her country music idol. Get this 1 thing on spring break

Here's the 1 thing

Take time to reflect on how fortunate you are to love and be loved by the people in your life.

Take time to reflect on your marriage

Many who read this feel fortunate to share love with a spouse. Some feel pain because love is not returned. If you are in a wounded relationship or divorced you may prefer to move on to the next section. No need to trigger your pain. If your marriage is great or could use some work, one of the ways it can improve is when you take time to reflect on the good. Too many couples focus on the negative or take each other for granted. Taking time to reflect on how fortunate you are to share love keeps things in perspective.

Take time to reflect on your family

Spring break is a great time for family fun. It can also be very stressful making sure everyone is getting along! Being busy on vacation can get in the way of connecting in your surroundings. I say slow things down. Take a walk on the beach with a kid in hand and talk. Make it a time to connect. As you do, think about how fortunate you are to have a kid with whom you can share love.

Take time to reflect on your close friends

This past week I got a call from a close friend who informed me he is going through divorce. He received support from me and a few other guys in our band of brothers. Later I got a call from another friend who wanted to meet later in the evening. During the day I wondered what he might be going through too. When we met, he and I just hung out. He did not have an issue to talk about. He said, "I was thinking about you earlier in the day and I thought how cool it would be just to hang out." Later that evening I reflected on how fortunate I am to have close friends. In the course of the day, I gave love to one and received love from the other. Who are the friends in your life you are fortunate to know? [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Click the All About We Podcast button above and listen to me relate 5 snapshots in my recent past that reminded me of how fortunate I am to love and be loved by the close people in my life.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Here's 1 thing to do with the 1 thing

Now that you've taken some time to reflect, here's 1 thing you can do with the 1 thing. Tell the people in your life that you love them. It's that simple. Don't let spring break go by without telling your spouse, kid(s), or a close friend how fortunate you are to love and be loved by them.

What you can do to prevent sex from becoming an endangered experience in your marriage

donald — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 17:37:45 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] The bald eagle, a symbol of American freedom was an endangered species. Once a thriving population, it's numbers dwindled from 500,000 to 412 pairs in the 1950s. Action taken to protect them from being hunted, combined with a ban on the use of DDT, saved the bald eagle from extinction. This may sound strange but I observe a trend among many couples today. An absence or infrequency of sex. I wonder. Is sex is becoming an endangered experience in marriage?

3 common threats to sex in marriage

Environmental Threats to Sex Couples are busy meeting the demands of raising kids, managing a household, and work. When it comes to relationships, couples are more likely to focus (or over-focus) on kids. This means less time for marital needs. Tired couples are more likely to choose media devices to veg out. Sex gets a raincheck. Interpersonal Threats to Sex Busy couples interact mostly about the tasks of managing a family. Unmet needs create a wedge between them. This increases the frequency of arguments and blame game. When deep hurts or betrayal wounds inflict one or both partners, sex may be off limits. Unhappy couples develop patterns of avoidance where certain topics are no longer discussed. They co-exist, but not as intimate partners. Compensatory Threats to Sex So if couples are not having sex what do they do about their sexual drive? Some couples compensate by seeking sexual satisfaction apart from each other. Masturbation is often the solution. For example, pornography is a substitute more often engaged by men to seek sexual gratification. Women may prefer sexual toys in privacy. Sex outside of marriage is a solution people seek today. Hook-ups, pay-for-service, or a full blown affair are ways unhappy partners compensate for a sexless marriage. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Check out the All About We Podcast where I discuss this topic and answer questions from my cohost Amanda Berlin. Click the play button above.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

A sex deprived marriage is symptomatic of a bigger problem.

Couples are becoming more disconnected from each other on an intimate level. Many are exchanging romantic partnership for roommates. Here are some familiar patterns I observe among couples today.

An increasing number of couples are not sleeping together. Nearly 1 out of 4 married couples sleep in separate beds according to a recent survey in the National Sleep Foundation.
- While some legitimate reasons contribute to this trend, a pattern of geographical distancing in the home puts couples at risk for diminished intimacy, including sex.
Couples allowing kids or electronic devices to occupy space once meant for each other. In many cases, this is used to create a buffer against intimacy.
Couples are redefining marriage to exclude sex as a primary need. Expectations about sexual intimacy are lowered accordingly.
Couples are settling for co-existence. They get along by avoiding problems, focusing on kids and themselves, but not their marriage.

What you can do to prevent sex from becoming an endangered experience in your marriage

Sexual intimacy is a key factor in marital happiness and longevity. If it is not nurtured it is an endangered experience in your marriage. Here are 4 things you can do to prevent extinction.

If it currently gets “front-burner” attention maintain that habit

Early in marriage couples tend to have more frequent, satisfying sex. They don't have the competing needs of kids to consider. If this is where you are currently, here is some advice. Make an agreement now to keep romance a priority in your marriage after kids arrive. Develop good habits around connecting. Disconnect your devices and have some "organic" FaceTime!

Communicate regularly and respectfully about your sexual needs

Note the two key words: regularly and respectfully. Talking about sexual needs is very personal. If you want a healthy sex life, make your partner feel safe when she or he talks about their needs. As you talk, discover your similarities and differences in what you like and don't like. Don't assume your partner knows your needs. Communicate them. Talk regularly about the current state of your libido. Various things can increase or decrease sexual drive. Check in with each other. Explain to your spouse what "gets you in the mood". Have conversations about the barriers to intimacy for you. Talk about ways you can spice it up! Don't settle for autopilot sex.

Learn from the experts how to have a great sexual relationship

Experts in the field of sexual intimacy are a great source of information. Here are a few options.

Read books together
Watch educational videos on sexual intimacy
Meet with a sex therapist or doctor (especially if you’re having problems)
- Mental health conditions that impede libido
- Sexual dysfunction problems in males/females

Give your marriage good quality care

The most significant factor in developing a healthy sex life is the care you give to the marriage on a daily basis. Establishing a rhythm of mutual care will keep the portals of intimacy open. Here are some ways you can do this.

Check in at least 3x a day
Be friendly toward each other
Step in to support (whatever this means to your partner)
Work through problems, resolve disputes, settle your arguments
- Make it a habit not to go to bed angry at each other
- If you can’t do this, seek professional help

Now it's your turn

Is sex in your marriage thriving or in danger of extinction? Review the 4 steps and decide what action to take next. By all means do not avoid the problem. Taking action saved the bald eagle.

How to Make Letting Go Easier on You

donald — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 11:36:42 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] Every day I help people who find letting go of something difficult. I get their struggle. I've been there too. Some things in life are hard to let go of.

Loss of a loved one
Hurt or betrayal
Resentment toward someone
End of a relationship
Acts of injustice toward you
Disappointments from others who let you down
Personal failures

Letting go may sound like simple advice from others, but really difficult to do. Something makes it hard to let go. It's important to figure out what that is. Here are 4 steps to make letting go easier on you. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Click the play button above and listen to the All About We Podcast on this topic. My cohost Amanda Berlin interviews me on how this process works.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

#1: Identify What Makes Letting Go Hard

When I observe a client struggling to let go of something I ask a question. "What makes letting go difficult for you right now?" The answers vary based on the event, but here are some common reasons:

Fear of what happens after letting go
Feeling responsible
Fear of having to trust again
Fear of the future
Feeling lost
Holding out for justice
Need to punish offender
Pride
Loss of control
Concern about how it will affect others

I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with is accepting the outcome. You're holding on hoping for something you're not going to get.

Your loved one won't return
Justice is not forthcoming
You're not getting an apology or restitution
Life is not going to be restored to how it was before

Now that you know what makes it hard to let go, let's take a look at how it impacts your life now.

#2: Understanding How Holding On Negatively Impacts You

This is not easy to look at but can be a motivator to letting go. Holding on to something too long can start to have a negative impact in your life. Here are some common responses I hear when I ask the question, "How is holding on getting in the way of your life?"

Being stuck in life
Controlled by negative emotions
Impaired relationships
Prolonged feelings of grief or depression
Health problems
Jaded view of life
Loss of my true self

A common concern for people who struggle letting go is wasting time by holding on too long. As the Steve Miller song says, "Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future." Perhaps it's time to let go.

#3: Deciding It’s Time to Let Go

Coming to terms with the impact of holding on to something too long is key to letting go. So far you have done two things:

Identified what makes it hard.
Understand the negative impact it has on your life.

Now you have a decision to make. It requires two bold statements. "I am no longer willing to remain stuck in time." "I will muster the courage to act." Now, let's get into the act of letting go.

#4: Getting Into The Act of Letting Go

Letting go is not as catastrophic as you think. In fact, it can feel liberating! Letting go is a normal process every human being encounters in the course of life. Here are 10 action steps that will help.

Consider the benefits. How will my life be better?
Treasure the lessons you learned.
Letting go does not equate with letting bad people back in your life. Set healthy boundaries.
Remind yourself: "Life is not always fair!"
Accept that you are not getting what you hoped for or think you deserve.
Follow spiritual practices of letting go: releasing everything to God and trusting for a better future.
Write a letter or journal.
Release a balloon as a symbolic gesture.
Remember the good. Release the bad.
Involve a trusted friend, family member, spiritual leader, or professional counselor to support you.

Letting go and holding on can coincide. Let go of the person who will never come back. Hold on to the fond memories you have of life with the person. Carry their legacy.

Now it's your turn

What are you holding on to that is time to let go of?

7 Ways to Keep Money From Messing Up Your Marriage

donald — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 19:33:02 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] It's income tax season. Stressful time for many households. It often sparks arguments over money. If only money was not a problem in marriage. We fantasize how great things will be in our marriage and family if we

won the lotto
get the huge promotion
somehow struck it rich

Is the solution to your financial challenges simply more money? Or how you deal with it as a couple? Many assume more money means less stress and fewer arguments. If only it were that simple. Here's the deal. Statistics on people who win the lotto:

About 70 percent of people who suddenly receive a windfall of cash will lose it within a few years, according to the National Endowment for Financial Education.
Marriages and families are often destroyed.

Statistics on American debt in 2016:

Average credit card debt for American households who carry debt is $16,048.00 at an average interest rate of 16.1%
At a minimum payment of 1.5% it would take 14 years to pay off the debt, totalling $40,200.00 of combined balance and interest payments.

How Money Can Mess Up Your Marriage

Money is not good or bad. It is neutral. Our relationship with money can make your marriage work well or it can mess it up ! Consider what the Bible has to say about the topic of money:

500 verses on prayer
fewer than 500 verses on faith
more than 2,000 verses on money.
15 percent of everything Jesus ever taught was on the topic of money
“The love of money is the root of all evil.”

Having a family is a significant financial investment.

Average cost to raise a child from birth to 18 years old is $300,000.00

How couples communicate about money will determine if it’s manageable or a mess. Let’s look at 3 pitfalls to avoid that can mess up your marriage.

Money Mismanagement

The problem may lay with one or both spouses. Some families spend more than they earn - living beyond their means. Before long, high balances are reached on one or multiple credit cards. Couples who lack of rules about spending or no clearly defined budget are at risk for problems. Not just financially, but also in the relationship. Arguments erupt over spending habits, large purchases that were not discussed, or late notices. Before long, retirement plans are in jeopardy, as couples are forced to dip into IRAs. Some couples assume they will meet financial expectations eventually. This is referred to as "magical thinking” getting results without a plan, according to Forbes.

Deception or Betrayal

Some marriages are wrecked when one partner is lying to the other about their handling of finances. Lies may include income, spending, credit card debt. Individuals with spending or gambling addictions can rack up enormous debt under the radar. Intentional non-disclosure of debts, risk investment loss, or other activity that threatens the financial security of the family is a form of betrayal that damages trust in marriage.

No Unified Approach

Here are a few of the problems that occur when couples do not have a unified approach to money matters.

Arguments over the differences in attitudes and approach to finances.
One carries the full weight of management.
Power struggles over spending.
Financial health is at risk.

Potential risks of not dealing with the mess

Digging deeper into debt.
Poor credit rating, higher interest rates
Potential loss of valuables: home, car, dreams of future, etc…
Effect on health
High risk of divorce

7 Things you can do to get out of the mess

#1: It starts with good communication If you’re starting out, begin an ongoing conversation about your values, attitudes, and habits around money. The goal is to understand each other and come to compromise. If you are in the pit you have to stop arguing or pointing fingers. Agree you have to come together and mutually work at finding and following a plan. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column][/vc_column][vc_column][/vc_column][vc_column][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]I dig deeper on how to communicate about money in the All About We Podcast. Click the play button above.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row] #2: Agree to not spend more than you earn during an average pay period Develop the skill of saying "no" to yourself if it falls out of the parameters of what you agreed together to spend. #3: If necessary, meet with a financial planner to establish a budget If you cannot figure it out together or if you're in a an endless cycle of conflict you need a third party to help. Don't put it off. You will feel much better when you have a collaborated plan! #4: Deal with your demons If you have an addiction to gambling or spending get some help. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can stop on your own. If you lied or betrayed your spouse, own it and repair it. #5: Make allowances for allowances Couples work hard to earn income and provide for a family. As I said earlier, kids are expensive! Be that as it may, I recommend you make allowances for each of you to have an allowance on spending. This is non-discretionary money you can spend on yourself. Amounts should be discussed and based on your budget. #6: Create a line item budget for marital investment Notice I underscored investment. Your marriage needs time for enrichment. Allocate money for dates, activities, and occasional getaways. #7: Think microscope (hear and now) and telescope (long-term future) Years ago I worked with a couple who had some challenges in their views about money management. She was always worried about the current budget. He worried about the future. I said you have a microscope and telescope view. They agree both were important and needed equal "viewing". I like their approach.

Now it's your turn

Is money making a mess out of your marriage? What steps are you willing to take?

10 ways to stop walking on eggshells

donald — Sun, 23 Apr 2017 04:00:14 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] People walk on eggshells in their marriage or family relationships. Occasionally it happens when someone is having a bad day. That's normal. But when it's a pattern, it's a problem. Here's some examples. Some spouses are in constant dread that the other will

push their buttons
blame them for their mood or behavior
make them feel bad about themselves (shame, guilt, disregarded, rejected, unattractive, incompetent, inadequate)
be erratic, attacking, and disrespectful

Some kids can create an eggshell environment with negative mood, emotion, or behavior.

You feel it when they come out of their bedroom
Their attitude sets a negative, adversarial tone in the home
They can go off on a sibling or parent over something minor they turn into a major offense

Eggshell spreaders can be…

An alcoholic or drug addicted member of the household
A person with an untreated or poorly managed mood or anxiety disorder
A person with a personality disorder
A child or teen with emotional dysregulation challenges.

What it is like walking on eggshells.

Feel anxious-- you don’t want to set them off
Feel responsible--for their moods and behavior
Feel guilty--like you did something wrong
Feel resentment--you don’t like how you’re treated but don’t feel like you have a voice
Feel unsure of how to act--second guess yourself
Feel a pit in your stomach

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Check out my interview on this topic in the All About We Podcast. Click the play button at the start of this blog page.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Clearing the eggshells

Eggshells do not promote a healthy environment for family living. Ignoring them is not a good strategy. You cannot afford to keep making excuses and denying the severity of the situation. Yet, why is so hard to clear the eggshells?

What keeps you walking on them?

The unhealthy attachment - you keep getting drawn into a double-bind. "When things are good--they're really good. When things are bad--they're really bad. I'm tolerating the real bad for the real good."
Your need to fix. "I can love this person into changing."
Guilt. "It must be something I'm doing wrong."
It’s my role or I’m obligated. "After all, I am the spouse and/or parent. I'm stuck."
Low self-esteem, lack of self-respect. "It must be true. I deserve it."

10 Ways to stop walking on Eggshells

Get out of the pattern of rescuing the person or taking responsibility for their problem. Ask yourself the question: “Whose problem is their mood or behavior?”
Stop trying to fix the person. Allow them a chance to learn from their mistakes. If they won't learn then they will have to live with the consequences.
Own the pattern you have to break within yourself. By your response to poor behavior you teach the eggshell spreader how to treat you. If you refuse to confront and let things slide the message is "go ahead and treat me poorly, I can tolerate it."
Get back to your authentic self. Live from the center. Go with your gut. If something doesn't feel right, confront it respectfully. Use your active voice.
Detach with love. This is an Al-Anon concept. When the disrespectful behavior starts detach yourself from the situation. Loving the person does not equate with tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior.
Accept the person for who they are, not what you want them to be. Once you realize you cannot change them, you can modify your expectations and adjust your boundaries accordingly.
Set boundaries with the person. You don’t have to accept their rude behavior. Sticking to your boundaries over time will likely result in more respectful behavior toward you. You have to stick to your boundaries though.
Get out of the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt of your emotional triggers. Do not allow FOG to direct your reaction to eggshell behavior. Check out: “Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier (1997)”
Memorize the 3Cs:
1. I didn’t cause it
2. I cannot control it
3. I cannot cure it
Establish a support system of trusted people who can help you to not lose site on reality. Walking on eggshells on a daily basis can take a toll on your ability to judge what is happening. Trusted people can help you get and maintain perspective.

Here are some book recommendations on how to deal with eggshell relationships.

Now it's your turn

Are you tired of walking on eggshells? What can you do today to empower you to stop walking on them?

5 things you should NEVER have to give up for your spouse in marriage

donald — Sat, 29 Apr 2017 14:45:23 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] I think it's important to draw a line with your spouse in marriage. Don't be confused by the picture above. This blog is not gender specific. It is for males and females. I write a lot about couples adjusting to marriage and the expectations they bring to the relationship. It is a give and take process, with both sides needing to be open and flexible with each other. Yet, there is area that is untouchable. It is off limits. You should NEVER have to give this up for your spouse. If you give it away your marriage is doomed to failure. Once you give it away, it is hard to get back. Not impossible--but it will take hard work on your part. What is it? It is your inner core--your center. Your SELF-IDENTITY. When it comes to your self-identity it is important that you draw a line with your spouse. [Tweet "When it comes to your self-identity it is important that you draw a line with your spouse."]

Are you in a symbiotic relationship?

A symbiotic relationship is one in which one person’s identity is absorbed by the other. This amounts to a loss of self and a one-sided relationship. You should never feel obligated to give up who you are to make your mate happy. You own this space. Under no circumstances should you be expected to surrender your core self to your spouse. I deal with this subject at length in my book:Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Listen to the All About We Podcast. I share the most powerful way you can draw a line with your spouse. Click the play button above.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row] Here are 5 things you should never have to give up for your spouse.

Never give up your boundaries in marriage

Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves or with others to feel safe and be healthy. Here are two examples:

Personal limit: food and alcohol intake to maintain good health.
Interpersonal limit: holding to your "no" with others in a matter of personal concern

Maintaining personal boundaries is about self-respect. How you want to be treated. You have a right to exercise personal boundaries when a conflict with your spouse elevates. A respectful partner will honor your need for emotional and physical space when requested. Personal boundaries include a level of comfort in sexual activity. You have a right and responsibility to express to your spouse what you like and don't like. Exploration of sexual experiences must have mutual consent to proceed. A spouse's "no" must be honored at all times. Violation of sexual boundaries is abuse.

Never give up your personal interests

Personal interests are part of your self-identity and seek expression. Pursuit of personal interests keeps your life interesting. One of the best things you can do for your spouse is support his or her personal interests. Many of you know one of my favorite personal interests is playing basketball. I play twice a week. The other day I was driving my buddy home after playing when my wife called. She was on the speaker phone so he could hear our conversation. Here's what he heard her say: "Hey big boy, how was basketball today? Did you dominate?" Some spouses who do not share the personal interests of the other may feel threatened by them--and as a result try to guilt the person into giving them up. Control over personal interests should always remain with you. If your personal interests are getting in the way of your marriage or family life then it is important to examine it and either pair it back or put it on hold till later. Sometimes a spouse is not trying to take it away but to get their partner to manage it better. In situations like this, be open to feedback.

Never give up your personality

Personalities are formed early in life. They are somewhat fixed. If you’re an introvert, you should not feel compelled to become an extrovert. Differences in personality can contribute to a healthy relationship. We seek in others what we lack in ourselves. We need to feel comfortable in our own skin at all times. A spouse who constantly criticizes the other about the way the express their personality is lacking in acceptance. Acceptance and tolerance of differences can go a long way in building a healthy marriage.

Never give up your close relationships

Many of our closest relationships pre-date marriage. Some marriage partners feel threatened by family and or friendship ties. Spouse's who attempt to form a wedge in these relationships are infringing on personal boundaries. Your partner does not have a right to dictate your relationships. Do not allow this! Likewise, do not allow your close relationships to interfere in your marriage. Boundaries go both ways. The only exception is if your family and friends are legitimately concerned that your spouse is pulling you away, then you may want to consider what they’re saying.

Never give up your personal values

Moral, ethical, and spiritual values are in your domain of control. Do not think you have to give them up to a spouse who doesn’t agree. Your values about money, politics, social issues, or any other subject is deeply personal and should be respected. Dialog about values can be healthy and modifying your beliefs is normal. However, you should never feel pressured to change your values because your spouse doesn’t agree with them. Sometimes the best choice is to agree to disagree.

Now it's your turn

How are you doing protecting your self-identity? Are you giving away control of your life in one or more of these five domains? Maybe it's time for you to start drawing a line. Choose one area to act.

How to Bring Respect Back to Your Relationship

donald — Sat, 13 May 2017 20:56:55 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] The image above describes it. This couple is tired of fighting and acting ugly. Disrespect is getting old. It's time for a change. So, they make a decision--together. Let's shed the ugly costumes and act nice. Going forward, let's show mutual respect.

Bringing respect back

Isn't it time we bring respect back? There appears to be a void of respect in society. Differences are expressed in contempt. As I wrote in my book Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict, 'Our society has lost respect for respect." [Tweet "Our society has lost respect for respect."] Society aside, does respect permeate your family relationships? How about your marriage? Do you exhibit self-respect? The image above headlines chapter 4 in my book. The couple has been through a lot of marital and parental issues. They realize pointing fingers at each other only makes matters worse. Furthermore, it is causing significant problems with their kids. The couple decides to call a truce and start showing some respect. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Check out the All About We Podcast where in an interview I break down the 6 steps in the Dance of Respect. Click the play button above.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How to bring respect back to your relationship

Bringing respect back is easier said than done--BUT done nonetheless it must be. So where do "we" begin?

#1: We begins with me.

If you wait until your spouse/partner shows you respect before you reciprocate it may never happen. Two people waiting on the other are two people stuck together in a dance of disrespect. Are you proud of how you act toward your spouse? Do you show her/him respect on a regular basis? Or are you critical, rude, bossy, indifferent, defensive or dismissive? If you are not proud, then it is time you act by disrobing the disrespect and learn the dance of respect. This 6-step approach I cover in chapter 2 of my book.

#2: Start doing little things that show respect.

No need to make a big announcement. Actions speak louder than words. Think about your demeanor when you interact with your spouse/partner. Focus on respect. Think: "How would I like to be treated?" Here are some ideas about little things you can do:

When your mate speaks, look him/her in the eye. Show warmth. Look interested.
Give compliments and show appreciation for what they do.
Lend a helping hand. Do things without waiting to be asked. Try: "Anything I can help you with?"
Have your spouse's back when the kids act disrespectful toward her/him.

#3: Ask your mate to join you in a dance of respect.

This step won't work if you are not willing or attempting to do the first two. One of the biggest barriers to talking to a spouse/partner is pride. Relationships mired in disrespect are adversarial. You want to come bearing an olive branch. You might say something like: "This is not a gripe about you, but a problem with us--the way we treat each other. I'm tired of it. I want us to bring respect back. How about you?" I recommend you choose a time to make the request when you can have each other's undivided attention.

Power down devices
Go to a restaurant, coffee shop, or bedroom to talk
Don't start talking about specific issues
Focus on the negative pattern of disrespect you want to change

#4: Focus together on 3 basic things you can do to get started

Don't try to overhaul your relationship at once. Focus on three basic things you can do to show mutual respect. Here are some ideas:

Be kind when interacting during the day
Pay compliments and say "thank you" for acts of kindness
Show eye contact when conversing and agree not to talk over each other
Listen well and paraphrase what you hear
Agree to be patient with each other
Own mistakes and apologize

Respect is an attitude of the heart. It conveys a strong caring disposition toward the other person. I encourage you to get back to the heart of it.

Now it's Your Turn

4 basic things you can do to bring respect back to your relationship. It begins with you, not your spouse. (If your spouse is reading this, he/she is getting the same message!) Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Disrespect is insane! Why not try the dance of respect. For more on the dance, check out my book.

3 Moves to Bring Respect Back in Your Family

donald — Sat, 20 May 2017 14:19:11 +0000

[powerpress] It's a standoff between parents and their two kids. Kevin and Heidi have finally come together to bring respect back into their marriage. Now it's time to get Brandon and Stacy on board. However, the kids remain defiant, in mocked attire. The picture above is taken from chapter 5 in my book that discusses how to bring respect back into your family. I'll get to how these parents changed the family culture a little later. For now, let's focus on a major problem in families today.

Families are upside down!

The structure in many families is inverted. Kids have more power than parents. In the past, kids feared disappointing their parents. Today, parents fear their kids disliking them! Kids control relationships in the family. They say the nastiest things to exert their power. What's more disturbing is how parents tolerate this rude behavior.

How did families flip?

Why do kids today get a pass on behavior that would never fly in past generations? Is it that we have evolved as families into something more democratic? Or have kids usurped the authority of parents? I can devote an entire blog to analyze the flip. Instead, I'll focus on two primary culprits: fear and guilt. These negative emotions are primary motivators of current parenting styles.

Parents fear their kids failing.
Failing kids translates to failing parents.
Busy parents feel guilty they are not giving their kids enough of themselves.
Kids push the guilt button to get what they want.

Fear and guilt project weakness to kids--and they seize the opportunity to gain power and rule the family. Kids are not mature enough to wield adult power. It is critical that parents flip the family right side up again! How do you do this? Here are 3 moves Kevin and Heidi made to bring respect back into their family.

First Move: Parents Model Respect with Each Other

You cannot expect from others what you don’t give. “I’m your parent, show some respect!” - is not a good approach. Establishing respect lies squarely on the shoulders of parents. You don't demand respect. You command it. The difference between “demanding” respect and “commanding” respect

Demanding is words and threats
Commanding is actions that make others feel safe and respected - based on how you treat people in all situations

Now the first move is to model respect in your marriage. I covered this in the blog last week. Parents model respect to their kids in the manner in which they interact with each other.

How they communicate: words, tone, non-verbals
How they work together to lead the family
How they handle problems, support each other
How they resolve conflict when it occurs in front of the kids

If you're not good at this move, then I suggest you work on this. If you don't get this down, it will be harder to get your kids on board.

Second Move: Parents Show Respect to their Kids

If you want to command the respect of your kids you must give it to them first. You don't do it by caving in to their demands. Here are some target behaviors you want to show your kids.

Love your kids unconditionally. Don't base love on behavior.
Set a positive tone when you interact.
Maintain emotional control in tense situations. Do not come unglued.
Listen with the intent to understand your kid.
Be firm in your position, maintaining control when they react negatively to limits you set.

If your kids don't respect you, don't expect it to turn on right away. This was a problem Kevin had to face with his kids. If you have been absent or too harsh it will take time and consistency of respectful behavior on your part to win their hearts.

Third Move: Parents Set the Bar of Respect for the Family

Kevin and Heidi got the first two moves down. Now it was time for the third. They had a "sit down" with their teens. In this meeting they set a bar of respect for the family. It was a simple rule. "Rudeness out. Respect in." No longer were Brandon and Stacy allowed to be rude to each other or their parents. If they had a problem they it had to be addressed respectfully. The parents accomplished this by doing a two-step dance. The kids were expected to do a one step dance.

Parents: step in and step back
Kids: step up

Doing the two-step dance: stepping in and stepping back

#1: Stepping in to teach your kids a rule or expectation you have about respect

Teaching the rule - "rudeness is not tolerated in the family"
Linking the rule to a value - "we value respect in our family"
Explaining the consequence (+ or-) ahead of time - "if you act rudely you will restrict yourself from (fill in the blank) for the rest of the day."

#2: Stepping back to observe the kids behavior about the rule

Looking for kids' compliance
Being patient as they learn through testing limits

Kids do a one-step dance: stepping up

Now that they know the rules about showing respect it is up to them to step up their behavior.
It will take time for them to learn
Expect them to challenge the rule and test your leadership

#1a: Stepping in again to shape behavior

Initial warning that their behavior is leading toward a negative consequence
Enforcing a consequence when child refuses to show respect
Complimenting child on respectful behavior
Rewarding respectful behavior

In the book, Kevin and Heidi stand united against the opposition of their kids and hold to the rule of bringing respect back into the family. You also see Brandon and Stacy finally catching on and making the shift to get rudeness out and respect in.

Now it's Your Turn

Is your family upside down? Tired of the disrespect? You've got three moves to bring respect back to your family. What's your next move going to be?

How to Help Your Kids Cope With Tragedy or Loss

donald — Sat, 27 May 2017 15:12:58 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] We witnessed tragedy unfold this week in Manchester, England when 22 concertgoers, many of them kids, were killed in a horrifying terror attack. This is not a first occurrence. Sadly, it is becoming more common. Our world doesn't feel safe anymore. Coincidently, we are entering a Memorial Day holiday weekend here in the USA. It kicks off the summer season of picnics, barbecues, and outdoor fun. The holiday was established to commemorate soldiers who died in active duty. We live in a time of war. Many of our citizens bear the emotional wounds of loved ones who died on the battlefield. My thoughts and prayers are with them at this time.

Kids Are Confronted By Tragedy and Loss

Kids encounter loss and in some cases tragedy, as we witnessed in Manchester this week. Coping with loss of any type is difficult for adults. For kids, it can be feel more harsh. In recent days I sat with a family horrified by discovery a loved-one was murdered. The children are minus one parent. On a personal level, two of my grandchildren suffered the untimely death of a parent when my son-in-law died at 30 years old. I also had a nephew die at 22. Helping kids cope with tragedy or loss is a primary concern of parents. [Tweet "Helping kids cope with tragedy or loss is a primary concern of parents."] Two primary areas where loss impacts kids (and adults):

Sense of safety and security - "This makes me feel unsafe. How will I get through this?"
Sense of vulnerability - "Will it happen again?"

Kids who learned of the Manchester massacre may be afraid of going to concerts or other public events. People close to the event may develop PTSD. Whether it's loss by tragedy or untimely death, kids need help coping with loss. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Listen to the All About We Podcast interview on this topic. Click the play button above.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How to help your kids cope with tragedy or loss

#1: Restore a sense of safety

When loss or tragedy occurs, a child/teen’s sense of security is shaken. They have questions.

What will happen to me/us now?
Will more bad things happen?
Will someone else die?

At times like this kids need to feel safe. They need adults to restore a sense of security. Reassure your kids that you are here to create a safe environment. Remind them of the circle of support they have with family members, relatives, friends, school, church, etc..

#2: Normalize their experience by validating their thoughts and feelings

Create safe space for them to process what's happening. Give them permission to express thoughts and emotions. Depending on the loss, the intensity can be low or extreme. Do not try to suppress their feelings. Neither should you attempt to minimize what has happened. They will get through the loss sooner if you create a safe environment for emotional release. An effective approach is to be an emotionally-coaching parent. Adopting a posture of calmness and reassurance, will have a direct effect on regulating the intensity of kids' emotions. Explain that grief doesn’t have a timeline. I often say to my clients who worry if their grief will ever subside, "Sadness will pass, but not today." Recognize and normalize the stages of grief at an age-appropriate level. Depending on the age of your kids you can validate their feelings and respond to their confusion by observing what stage of grief they experience.

Denial - "This cannot be happening!"
Anger - "Why is this happening? Who’s fault is it?"
Bargaining - “Can we make a deal here to bring my loved one back?”
Depression - “I’m too sad to go back to my life.”
Acceptance - “I’m at peace with my loss.”

#3: Maintain routines as best as possible under the circumstances

The world does not stop when loss or tragedy strikes. Kids' school and activity schedules roll along. Your kids may not be ready to return to social activities right away. However, getting them back into routines at some point helps kids cope with loss. Adhering to a routine structure helps reset their baseline of security. Inform school officials, coaches, etc… and discuss transition plan back to school.

#4: Discuss coping strategies they can use to get through the loss

The sooner your kids utilize coping strategies, the easier it will be to get through the loss. If they are old enough, I suggest you take a collaborative approach to finding ways to cope.

Starting a new activity, joining a club, something that gets them interacting with other kids
Art, music, journalling, photo album
Talking to friends, relatives, or other people they trust

Kids may be worried that they did something wrong to cause the loss. Blame is part of grieving, especially in the anger stage. Advise kids to avoid blaming themselves. Explain that some things happen in life that we cannot control. Encourage your kids to take it easy on themselves. For awhile, life will go slower, things may be harder to do. Be prepared for your kids to struggle, perhaps in school or other activities. This is normal. Consider talking to a professional if they show no signs of recovery within a few months.

#5 Help them keep the loved-one alive in their own way

Loss is a part of the cycle of life. Assimilating a healthy integration within families is key to help kids cope. Memories and legacy does not have to be buried with the departed. Helping your kids find a way to keep the loved-one alive is important. Here are a few ideas:

Keep a memento
Re-live special moments, lessons learned, happy times
Celebrate special occasions
Scrap book, videos, special clothing, jewelry

Further Reading

Now it's your turn

What have you done to help kids cope with loss? Perhaps you have an approach that may be helpful to other readers. Share your thoughts in the comment section or on social media.

7 Kid-Safety Rules for Divorce

donald — Fri, 02 Jun 2017 12:17:15 +0000

[powerpress] Couples in broken marriages want out, but what often keeps them in is fear over how divorce may impact their kids. “Our marriage is broken but do we want to break up the family?” So they work hard to repair the marriage. In some cases too much damage is done and it cannot be fixed. Divorce is imminent. Now the concern is: “How do we do this and minimize harm inflicted upon the kids?” The answer is perspective.

Divorcing couples need a shift in perspective

Don’t look at the transition purely from an adult lens. See divorce through the eyes of your child.

7 Kid-safety rules for divorce

These rules make sense from a kid’s perspective and should guide adult behavior. The 7 rules are an acronym spelling DIVORCE.

#1:Don’t put your kids in the middle

Kids face enough pressure adjusting to divorce, don't add to it by putting them in the middle. Here are 3 "no-no" behaviors:

choosing sides
relaying messages
dumping your feelings

#2: Interfering in their relationship with the other parent is off limits

Consider it a crime against your child’s human right. Interfering is psychologically harmful and in some cases abusive. It can take the form of weaponizing your child to harm your ex. Be careful, it can come back and bite you in the butt when your kids are older and understand what you've done.

#3: Venting feelings is for kids only

Kids need to process their reactions to the divorce. Give them the freedom to vent without judgment or guilt. If their angry at your ex-spouse, don’t encourage it. Simply validate it. Make them feel safe to be angry at you too. Do not vent your feelings about your ex to your kids. You can talk in general about how divorce is hard but don’t seize the opportunity to unload negative sentiment you have toward your ex on your kids. Find another outlet to vent your feelings. [Tweet "Kids need to process their reactions to the divorce. Give them the freedom to vent without judgment or guilt."]

#4: Operate better as co-parents than you did as spouses for their sake

You may be relieved you’re out of your marriage but you are not out of your obligation to parent together. Your kids need you to function respectfully as a team It’s time to put on your adult pants and work together. If it is hard perhaps you can get coaching from a family counselor. If your ex-spouse is unwilling to participate then operate from this position -

“For the sake of our kids, I will operate respectfully and peacefully. I will not engage in uncivil conduct toward the other parent.”

#5: Reassure your kids that the divorce is not their fault

Kids may mistakenly assume it is their fault that the divorce happened. Reassure them that decision to divorce was a marriage problem, not a child-problem.

#6:Civility is standard behavior in front of the kids at all times

One of the most psychologically and emotionally damaging effect on kids is parents who are uncivil toward each other in front of the kids or in public settings. Make child transitions peaceable for their sake. Do not allow them to be caught in the crossfire of angry sentiment. Compose yourself.

#7: Encourage the relationship between your kids and your ex-spouse

You divorced each other. Your kids did not divorce anyone. Consequently, their relationship with both parents must remain intact post-divorce. Here are some things you can do to encourage their relationship with your ex-spouse:

Make the transition positive. "Today dad is looking forward to take you to his house for the weekend. I hope you have a great time!"
Speak positively about the other parent. "Mom packed your favorite stuff animal. Mom always does cool stuff like that!"
Encourage your ex-spouse in their relationship with your kid(s). "You're a great parent to our kids."
Remember to take a positive approach when a new mate or step-parent is introduced into your kid's dual family.

Now it's your turn

Looking at divorce from the perspective of kids will make you think twice about how you approach parenting them through the transition. What rules are currently working? Which one(s) do you need to do a better job following?

10 lessons I learned about being a dad from my dad

donald — Sat, 17 Jun 2017 16:38:02 +0000

[powerpress] My dad died 23 years ago. I still miss him. Even as I typed that sentence, I got choked up. So much of my adult life I didn't get to share with him. I feel robbed. But then again, I also feel blessed to have him in my life. In honor of Father’s Day I want to share some lessons I learned from my him. Much of it was caught. Dad was a man of few words. Some of the things I learned he did not model. These are things I wish he did differently. So I include them here too.

5 Things I Learned to do from my dad

#1: Develop a good work ethic

Dad was an electrician and worked for the railroad his entire career. I don't recall him ever calling in sick. He often worked overtime. For much of his career my dad worked 3rd shift. When I was a little boy, he introduced me to the term "chores". My first chore was taking out the garbage. I still remember how he walked me through the entire process until I got it right. Dad made it very clear, "In our family everyone makes a contribution. You're old enough now to do your part. Work is a part of life."

#2: Be responsible with money

In the sixties, my parents were a prototype of dual income earners. That's another reason why chores were important. Everyone had to pitch in. We were a middle-class household and my parents made sure we had what we needed. I got an allowance and my dad taught me the value of saving. When I bought my first car, I was short a few hundred bucks and he lent me the remaining amount from money he had stashed in a coffee can "in case of emergency". After he died, we found a few more of those coffee cans! By the way, he charged me interest on the loan--not to make money, but to prepare me for adult life.

#3: Make marriage a priority

One of many things that impressed me about my parent's marriage is that once a week they went out alone together. Usually it was in the afternoon and afterward they'd bring some food home for us. Date night and morning walks are two of the ways Marian and I stay connected.

#4: Spend quality time together as a family

Saturday nights after dinner our family would gather in the living room. My dad played a ukulele. My parents would teach us sing-along songs: country, bar room, spirituals, and 60s music we listened to like the Beatles and Monkeys. Dad was the happiest when he had his kids and grandkids gathered in our home.

#5: Be willing to sacrifice for the family

My dad grew up during The Depression. His parents split up and his father left with the oldest son and moved out to the northwest. Without any means of support, as a young boy, my dad was in a parentified role. He had to hustle and beg to get food for the rest of the family. He didn't have a childhood. In adult life, dad often worked overtime to make extra money for the family. He did not want us to experience the suffering he did. Later, when his mother had a stroke, dad invited grandma in our home and we were her caretakers until the day she died.

5 Things I Learned Not Do From My Dad

As you can see there are things my dad did that had a positive impact. Yet, there are some things I wish he did differently. Here some lessons I learned from what was missing in his life.

#1: Don't be ruled by fear. Be willing to take risks.

One of the things that I didn't understand about my dad was his "play it safe approach". He worried about a lot of things. We never traveled further than Indiana on vacation. This is one example. Now I understand my dad. His childhood experiences caused anxiety. He battled it his entire life. Worry was an obstacle. In my early adult years I made a decision not to be ruled by fear. I prefer to face it and take risks to try new things. Needless to say, I have ventured far beyond the Indiana border and have made career choices that take me out of my comfort zone.

#2: Don't be silent. Encourage your kid's potential.

As a boy, one of the things I wanted from my dad was validation. I wanted him to see my potential and encourage my path. Because my dad did not have his dad around, he had to rely on himself. He didn't get validation either. As a dad, I make it a priority to encourage my kids and grandkids to reach their potential.

#3: Don't be emotionally disconnected

Dads who emerged from The Depression and World War II were not very good at being emotionally tuned in to their kids. From a young age my dad had to suppress his feelings and focus on taking care of his mom and siblings. From what I know he didn't get any emotional support until he married my mom. As a dad, I strive to be emotionally connected to the people around me. I do my best to open up and share my feelings with others. Near the end of his life my dad and I had some deep conversations I treasure.

#4: Don't be socially isolated

I don't recall dad having buddies. He talked about guys he knew in the Navy. However, I never seen him go out socially with friends. He spent his time with mom and his kids. Early in my adult life I was so occupied with family and work responsibilities I didn't make time for friendships. Eventually, I decided to fill this void with quality male relationships. I belong to a "band of brothers" who do life together and have each other's back.

#5: Don't ignore your health

The first time I ever saw my dad address a medical problem was when he was 63 years old. He died later that night. He had retired about a year or so earlier. Had he taken his health more seriously, no doubt he would have been around much longer. Lesson for me--don't ignore your health. I do annual check-ups and address health concerns immediately. Exercise is a staple in my life. I follow a moderation plan with food and alcohol.

Now it's your turn

These are things I learned from my dad that have benefited my life immensely. How about you? What have you learned from your dad? Leave comments below.

4 Benefits You Can Expect By Setting Boundaries

donald — Fri, 23 Jun 2017 21:12:32 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] Feeling exhausted? Is your calendar running out of empty space? The excuse "it's that time of year" no longer fits. This is the story of your life. Do you feel like you're always giving to others but get little in return? Always giving in but rarely getting your needs met. Tired of the drama drain some people bring? If you answered "yes" to this series of questions then you can benefit from setting boundaries. If you want a healthy life and remarkable relationships set boundaries with others. Next week I get into how you can get better at setting limits with others. For now let's look at 4 benefits you can expect when you do. [Tweet "If you want a healthy life and remarkable relationships set boundaries with others. "]

#1: You can expect more respect

Respect is a byproduct of good boundaries. Respect comes in two forms:

Self-respect: you feel good about yourself because you are advocating for your rights.
Respect from others: most people will honor your boundaries and respect you for being clear with them on your limits, or how you prefer to be treated.

#2: You can expect your needs met more often

Often the cause of our complaints about not getting our needs met is because we are not strong advocates. An assertive voice is missing. If you’re not using your voice how will others know what you need from them. Setting boundaries is being clear with others about:

What your limits are in a given situation
What you can do - “Here’s what I can do about…”
What you can’t do - “I'm sorry, but I am unable to…”
What you’re needing in the moment - “I just need some space right now”

Here is an example of a couple setting a boundary with friends about a social activity that competes with their need for rest. “I know you would like for us to attend the event today, but we are exhausted and can really use some down time. We are going to take a pass this time.”

#3: You can expect less drama in your life

People with poor boundaries experience a lot of drama. Chaotic people create drama. Compliant people absorb drama. Once you set boundaries with chaotic people you will have less drama. You will feel more calm and live in a more peaceful existence.

#4: You can expect more meaningful connections

Boundaries have the opposite effect than one might expect. It actually draws people closer to you! Not the chaotic people. They may cut you off. Or at least you can live within a safe emotional distance from them. On the other hand, people who respect your boundaries will likely admire you more and enjoy your company. Spouses who honor your boundaries will show you more respect. It can even increase attraction!

Now it's your turn

4 benefits that await you. Next blog I will help you learn how to be good at boundary setting. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Check out the All About We Podcast to learn more about the benefits of setting boundaries. Click the play button at the top of the page.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

4 Simple Steps to Set Boundaries

donald — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 11:51:41 +0000

[powerpress] If you want to get good at setting boundaries you've come to the right place. In my previous blog I highlighted 4 benefits you can expect by setting boundaries. Here I'm going to give you 4 simple steps to do it. Let's check out the first one.

#1: Listen to your gut

This is slightly different than “go with your gut”. It's a bit slower and keeps you from acting impulsively. Your gut alerts you that something does sit right with you. Listen to what your gut is saying. Your gut activates your boundary system. Check it out. Answer the question: What am I feeling? It feels like…

an intrusion of my personal space
an imposition of my time
an expectation is being placed on me that only accepts “yes” for an answer
I’m being told what to do
I’m expected to just go along
my voice is not being heard, considered
guilt. If I say “no” I will disappoint others.
fear. I don’t want people to be mad at me or stop liking me.

So if your gut is alerting you something is not right about the situation then you want to think it through before you act. Here's your next step.

#2: Move to your center

Your center is that internal quite place where you can listen to yourself. The purpose here is to silence the chatter in your head. Moving to the center gives you time to slow down your thoughts and emotions. Furthermore, it allows you to process your gut reaction more thoroughly. You can decide for yourself:

Is the expectation from other doable? Yes/no
Does the expectation interfere with my plans?
Does it cross a personal, moral, sexual, etc… boundary?
Does it feel intrusive, or insensitive to my needs?

By moving to center and processing thoughts and feelings you are more likely to make a decision that honors your boundaries. Operating from center, feelings of guilt, fear or insecurity are more easily managed. Decisions are more likely to be thoughtful and responsive, than emotional and impulsive.

#3: Use your active voice

A passive voice is weak and submissive. An active voice is strong and respectful. It combines the ability to respectfully validate others intentions while holding your position on a matter. Here are a few examples of how an active voice sounds.

“I can see you are in a jam here and I wish I could help but I have a prior commitment.”

“I am attracted to you too, and perhaps we could be a good match, but I’m not ready for a romantic relationship at this time.”
“I get that you’re angry and I want to work this out with you, but in order to do this it would help if you to lower your voice.”

#4: Contain the story about your decision

When you first begin setting boundaries you may hear some chatter in your head. "Maybe I did the wrong thing. What if the person stays mad at me? Am I being selfish?" It's important that you contain the story in your head. Stop catastrophizing the outcome. It's not the end of the world. Don't allow false guilt to rule your mind. Neither should you ruminate in worry about potentially damaging a relationship. Which leads me to a second area of containment. The story in your head about what's being reported out there. Most people will respect your decision and adjust accordingly. A few might take offense. Base the rightness of your decision on what you think, not others. Never forget this. You own the story of your life. Don't allow others to control the narrative. For that matter, never give your pen away!

Now it's your turn

Do you own your story? Or, do you find yourself following the script others write for you? If you always give in to the expectations of others and rarely stand firm on for what you need, then it's time for you to set boundaries. Get your pen back!

3 totally free organic ways to connect

donald — Sat, 08 Jul 2017 13:37:30 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] People with a healthy mindset go organic. They don’t want genetically modified organisms (GMOs) in their food products. Healthy people will pay extra to ensure what goes into their bodies is natural, organic and contains no toxins. Relationships can also benefit from going organic too. We spend most of our days in the web of technology and work, busy and disconnected. Developing organic habits can detoxify your marriage and family and build healthy connections. Now here's the kicker--you don't have to spend a lot of money to connect! Here are 3 totally free organic habits to try once a week. [Tweet "Developing organic habits can detoxify your marriage and family and build healthy connections."]

#1: Go for a walk together

Nature is organic. Going for walks connects you with nature and for many this has a settling effect. Under normal weather conditions nature is calm and it’s sounds are soothing. If your marriage is stressed, take it on a nature walk. Here are some benefits that come from a walk together:

A casual walk is relaxing--it relaxes relationships.
A casual walk is a form of exercise.
A device-free walk detoxifies your brain.
A casual walk is non-threatening--you can focus on nature, not on problems.
A casual walk is adventurous--things you discover in nature.
A casual walk can form deeper, more meaningful marriage/family connections.

One-on-one walks with kids can be a relaxing, non-threatening way to connect. Be sure you leave devices in the car!

#2: Go to bed together

At least once a week, develop the organic habit of going to bed together. Back in the day, this is what families did. Remember the TV series "The Waltons"? "Goodnight John Boy." One behavior that reinforces the disconnect between couples and family members is a pattern of not ending the day together. This has a longterm negative effect on relationships. Currently, if you don't have this habit, try ending the day by going to bed together one day a week. The symbolism of retiring at the end of the day suggests:

We are united, not divided.
We are together, not alone.
We share comfortable space together.
We are one.

Going to bed together affords time to connect. Creates a moment for casual conversation. You can read a book together or share something interesting from one you’re reading. Why not cuddle up and watch a tv show together?

#3: Go to church or place of worship together

This may not be an organic appetite for everyone, but for those who espouse spiritual values it is a healthy habit to develop or get back to if you've drifted. Problems raising a family can be overwhelming. Getting spiritually-centered, is key to a healthy home. Going to church is an organic way to connect. The habit of going to a place of worship to connect with your faith and spirituality is important. Check out these benefits:

You have a spiritual presence in your family.
You can turn to your faith for strength and guidance
You can integrate the principles and values of your faith into how you function as a couple or family.
Deeper connections with God contribute to deeper relationships with each other.
Faith forms a deeper and more firm layers of security and harmony in the family.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Get more on this topic by listening to the All About We Podcast with my cohost Amanda Berlin. Click the play button by scrolling to the top.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Now it's your turn

What can you plan to do this week to go organic and connect?

Starting Over: How to Know When You're Ready to Begin a New Relationship

donald — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 14:26:21 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] Starting over is not something we think about going into romantic relationships. Yet not all relationships go from “wire-to-wire” where the couple stay together the rest of their lives. Endings can happen in any stage.

Early romance
Broken engagement
Cohabitating couples who call it quits
Divorce
Untimely death of a spouse

Individuals in a committed relationship that ends face a future with the prospect of starting over with someone new. One of the biggest questions asked is, “How do I know when I’m ready?”

The key word in title is “ready”

Here are two problems you want to avoid:

Jumping in too quickly.
Waiting too long.

So, how do you know when you're ready? Only you can answer this question. But to help you figure it out, here are 3 signs that signal you’re ready to start over. The key word in the 3 signs is “time”. Being “ready” takes “time”.

#1: When you’ve taken time to heal from your loss

Endings are emotionally painful. When you invest your heart in someone and they are no longer going to be in your life, you need time to process the loss. You may suffer emotional wounds or grief. Routines of life together come to an end. You also may lose ancillary relationships like in-laws or mutual friends. Healing takes time. While it may feel painful, give yourself permission to heal. Do not avoid the pain by jumping too quickly into another relationship.

#2: When you’ve taken time to learn your lessons from your past relationship

Twenty years ago I experienced divorce. It was a difficult season in my life. Not only did I take time to heal, I also took time to reflect. I knew I had lessons to learn from a failed marriage. It's easy to point out the faults of others. But how about our own? Part of this process was answering questions I posed for myself.

What did I contribute to the marriage that didn't work?
What do I need to change about myself?
What kind of person doesn’t work for me?
What type of person is a good fit for me?

You are not ready to start over if you have not taken time to learn your lessons.

#3: When you’ve taken time to decide what you want in a relationship going forward

One of the things I was not good at earlier in life was setting boundaries. My people-pleasing habit needed changing. I took time in-between relationships to really work hard on myself. So going forward, I only wanted to be with someone who was independent and also had good boundaries. Starting over, consider the following:

How you will be different in a good way?
What type of person will you avoid?
What type of person will you seek?
What type of relationship do you want to be in?

When you’ve taken “time” in these 3 phases your heart will likely signal that your “ready” to start over.

Now it's your turn

Are you thinking about starting over? Before you do, take some time and sit with these 3 questions.

Have I healed from my past relationship?
Have I learned my lessons?
Do I know what I want going forward?

If you feel good about your answers, it's a good sign you may be ready. If not, you have some more work to do. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Listen to the All About We Podcast on this topic. Click the play button at the top of this page.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Help For the Heartbroken Over A Loved One’s Addiction

donald — Sat, 22 Jul 2017 13:31:43 +0000

[powerpress] Addiction is a disease that breaks hearts. It has a profound adverse effect on everyone. Spouses, children, extended family, and friends, suffer heartbreak. Addiction damages and in some cases destroys relationships. Feeling utterly powerless while watching someone you care about self-destruct is painful. Addiction is one of the most difficult relationship patterns to treat in couples or family therapy. Relapse is a constant threat. When relapse occurs, it can wipe away any progress made in relationship recovery. [Tweet "Addiction damages and in some cases destroys relationships. "] The most troubling aspect of addiction is that it breaks hearts. Here is a sample of heartbreak that some people report:

anguish
fear
betrayal
sadness
powerlessness
hopelessness

You cannot change the heart of an addicted person. But what can you do about your heart? You can guard it from being destroyed by collateral damage.

“Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23

Here are 5 things to do to protect your heart from being permanently broken.

#1: A broken heart needs treatment

Often we focus on the addicted person needing treatment. Support here is limited. What often gets neglected is the person or people who are directly affected by the presence of the addiction in the home. You need support--and if you have children include them too! Family members often fake feeling good. Behind the mask are painful feelings. Masks have to come off in order to treat the heart. So, what's next?

#2: Establish a trusted support system for yourself

Addiction survives in secrecy. You cannot afford to keep silent. Neither can you go through this alone. It will take some courage, but you will feel much better when you open up to others for help. Establish a small group of trusted people you can rely upon for support.

key family members
trusted friends
support group like Al-Anon or Al-Ateen
spiritual leader
counselor

#3: Become a student of addiction

Learning about addiction will have a profound effect on how you deal with it in your family. Becoming a student will help you understand the nature of the disease and the effect it has on the person. The addicted suffer in ways we cannot fathom. You will also learn how it affects family members. This information will provide an accurate lens to deal with the problem. Read books. Do research. Join social media support communities.

#4: Clarify your boundaries around addiction

Family members often struggle feeling responsible for the addiction. To compensate they work harder to control it in their loved-one. Remind yourself of these three realities:

I did not cause it.
Nor can I control it.
I cannot fix it.

Clarify who you are responsible for:

I am responsible to protect my heart.
I am responsible to protect my kids.

When addiction manifests enact boundaries with the person so that you and your kids are protected. #5: Live within your limits around addiction Repeated cycles do severe damage to the heart of loved ones. To combat relapse, hyper-vigilance governs the relationship. Power struggles intensify. Walls of resentment build higher and wider with each episode. Broken hearts become cold, then callous. The effect on children can become severe resulting in mental health and/or behavioral problems, low self-esteem, self-identity, and/or poor psycho-social development. When addiction reaches this level some partners reach a limit. They cannot subject themselves or their children to the toxicity harming the family. A decision to stay or end a relationship damaged by addiction is deeply personal and is more likely achieved when the individual has a healthy support system. Some find a way to make it work. Others cannot due to the severity of toxicity in the home. If you decide to end a relationship it is not a statement of failure. Rather, it is a choice to survive.

Now it's your turn

How is your heart? Is it broken? Mending? If you are suffering under the toxic effect of a loved-ones addiction then it's time to give help to your heart. Look over the 5 areas. What are you currently doing? What can you do next?

6 Reasons Why Bad Moms are the Best Moms

donald — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 00:58:55 +0000

[powerpress] One night last week before I was about to go to bed, the 2016 comedy Bad Moms was on TV. Five minutes into the movie I was hooked. It addresses pressure many mothers feel being “all things to all people”. The central character Amy, a wife, mother of two, and career person, lives in a Chicago suburb. In her harried life she moves through her day trying to meet the needs of everyone in her life, except herself. Struggling with chronic guilt, she defines her greatest achievement is “being late all time”. As you watch Amy frantically attend to daily demands it is apparent she is reaching a breaking point. The coup de grace in Amy’s inevitable meltdown is the high school PTA president, Gwendolyn. She sets the “perfect mom” standard, all women privately despise, but publicly aspire to. Tired of working so hard to achieve perfection with no support or gratitude, and exhausted by judgment and guilt, Amy checks out. Along with her two new friends Kiki and Carla, they join forces to fight the stereotype of “super mom” by becoming “bad moms”. During their revolt, the characters go a bit extreme in their behavior, but the movie does drive home some important lessons. I don't advocate you go extreme, but I do recommend you consider another way to look at your role as a mom. I extracted some important messages from the movie. So, here are my 6 reasons why bad moms are the best moms.

#1: Bad moms don’t set unreachable bars for themselves or their kids

Supermoms feel compelled to excel at everything in their role. They think their duty is to expose their kids to multiple outlets that set them up for success in life. Consequently, they over-monitor:

Academics
Activities
Health - food, exercise, rest
Social life - friends, play dates, social circles, etc…

Failure to clear the bar is unacceptable. Supermoms put pressure on themselves and their kids. They have a tendency to “should all over themselves”. “I should do this…” “I should’ve done that…” Bad moms set realistic bars for themselves and their kids. They strive for growth, not perfection. Pressure is appropriate to the situation. They are not interested in seeking approval from others, therefore they do family life their way.

#2: Bad moms don’t overreact to mistakes

A key moment in the movie is when a self-unmasking occurs among moms in a PTA meeting. Tired of hiding shortcomings, one-by-one, women talk about their struggles and mistakes. Bad moms are the best because they are authentic. They don’t mind owning their mistakes and create an environment for their kids to do the same. It’s a “no shame zone”. By owning they can work on changing their behavior to something that works better.

#3: Bad moms do selfish things for good reasons

Supermoms consider it selfish to do things for themselves. It’s alway about putting their family first. Bad moms understand that taking time for themselves makes them better. Mothers deserve a break to recharge their batteries, have fun, and take off the parent hat for a few hours.

#4: Bad moms don’t judge, they support

Supermoms judge. Bad moms support. That’s why they are the best. They are open with their own struggles. Nor are they inclined to judge others. Instead, they show support.

#5: Bad moms let their kids grow by doing some things for themselves

When Amy stepped back in some areas, her indulgent kids had to step up and do things on their own. Her son learn how to cook a frittata and made breakfast for the family. Bad moms are the best moms because they foster age-appropriate responsibilities in their children.

#6: Bad moms spend quality time with their kids

In one scene, Amy takes her stressed out daughter for a spa day. Supermoms might consider this a waste of time that could have been spent on a developmental task. Not Amy. She knew her daughter needed a break and do something to de-stress. Her mom provided an outlet they could do together without the distraction of people or devices.

The big lesson

Stop killing yourself by trying to be supermom. It’s unrealistic. You are not in a competition. Set your own expectations. If it’s bad to make mistakes, take time for yourself, support others, or let your kids be kids, then that’s a good thing. Perhaps it's the best thing a bad mom can do.

3 Ways to Keep the Happy in the Holidays

donald — Sun, 24 Dec 2017 02:00:56 +0000

[powerpress] The holidays are kicking in high gear. Are you ready for it? Do you have your "happy face" on? Yeah right. For some the holidays are more harried than happy. While others complain that the holidays are simply horrible. Yet when the day arrives we say, "Happy Hanukah", "Happy Holidays", or "Merry Christmas". Why is it that we feel less than happy as we enter the season? The answer to this question is complex. Some folks are sad over recent losses that occurred. Others are trying to cope with major health problems. While many are happy about their year-end bonus, some people were handed a pink slip. One common theme I hear-- "family relationships can be really trying during the holidays." Over the years I have had my share of unhappy holidays. Being divorced with kids was tough, especially navigating schedules and expectations. I remember feeling anguished when my kids were absent at family events. Boy, did I have to work hard to keep the happy in my holidays. It wasn't easy. I'm relieved those days are over! The holidays are meant to be happy occasions. Here are 3 simple ways to keep the happy in the holidays.

Take a little time to reflect on your blessings

"Hustle and bustle"once described the holidays. Now it reflects daily life. People are busy 24/7. We need time to pause and reflect on the good things in life. One good thing about the holidays for most people is the extra time off you have from work. A few extra days off work allow you time to rest and give more attention to the things in life that matter. Your life may not be perfect, but I am sure you can find plenty of things to be happy about. If you want to keep the happy in the holidays take time to count your blessings. Make a list. You may be surprised how really good things are in your life.

Take a little time to give thanks

Once you count your blessings you will find plenty of reasons to be thankful this holiday season. A grateful heart makes a happy person. It is interesting to me that the happiest people I meet are not the ones who have everything they need. Rather it is the people who have gone through hardship and learned to appreciate the little things they used to take for granted. If you want to keep the happy in the holidays show gratitude to the people in your life you take for granted. You can even find something nice to say to family members who try your patience. Infusing a happy attitude in the holiday setting will rub off on others. Try it for yourself!

Set yourself an expectation to be happy and don't allow others to ruin it

Holidays are a time for family members to connect. Young adults return from college. Married kids travel with grandkids in tow. Relatives arrive from out of town. Expectations are high for a good time. In a perfect world things work out. I haven't found the perfect world yet. Don't base your happiness on meeting the expectations of everyone in the family. You will feel miserable! Nor should you go into the holidays preloaded with a negative attitude. Instead, choose to be happy as your way of enjoying the holidays. People react to negativity. Yet they also respond to positivity. If you choose your attitude no matter what others do, you can keep the happy in the holidays. Count on some to push your buttons. Choose not to give in. Focus on those who share your goal to be happy. If you have a happy attitude it will bring most, if not all of your family together.

Now it's your turn

What do you plan to do to keep the happy in your holiday? If you don't know where to begin, I recommend you make a list of the things for which you are thankful. Go to one or more of the people you are grateful for and thank them for the good they bring in your life. If you have ideas to contribute to the discussion on how to keep the happy in the holidays I welcome it! Feel free to comment below or on one of my social media sites. [vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" google_plus="https://plus.google.com/102055073409420077319/posts" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/public-profile-settings?trk=prof-edit-edit-public_profile"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How to Connect With a Disconnected Teen

donald — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 11:42:37 +0000

[powerpress] Raising a responsible teenager is a parent’s dream. Living with an irresponsible teen is a parent’s nightmare! The task of raising teens today is challenging for some and frightening for others. Cyber-culture youth are exposed to multiple streams of information that shape identity and influence behavior. Media devices are often used to connect with peers and disconnect from family. Worried parents often wonder, “How do I stay connected with my disconnected teen?” To answer that question, let’s begin by looking at what’s going on during adolescence. It boils down to one word: change. Here are 3 types you can expect.

PHYSICAL CHANGES

Teens undergo significant and rapid change during puberty. Physical and hormonal change seem to happen overnight. In addition to the physical transformation is the emergence of a sexual identity.

IDENTITY CHANGES

So, not only is the teen body in a state of flux, the identity is too! Throughout adolescence teens try on different “identity hats” to see what fits. Watch this process unfold by observing them experiment with different clothes styles, hair styles, music tastes, peer groups, etc… Independence is a teen mantra. Don’t be too alarmed when they question your rules or challenge your authority. You may even notice changes in your relationship. It may feel like they are pulling away from you. Actually, this is a normal process in identity formation.

SOCIAL CHANGES

Finally, another unsettling change you may notice in your teen is a shift to peer identification. Suddenly, they want to spend all their time with their friends. At home you may find them on their cell phones or text messaging the friends they just left minutes ago! WARNING SIGNS INDICATING TOO MUCH CHANGE Now, let’s examine the warning signs that indicate your teen may be pulling away too much.

Isolating from family - If your teen spends an inordinate amount of time playing video games, watching TV, talking on the phone, or bunkered down in their bedroom, with very little interaction with family members, it signals a disconnect.
Preoccupation with friends - If all their free time is spent connecting with friends and minimal interest in spending time with the family it’s a sign they are drifting.
Academic or behavioral problems - Teens who pull away tend to show their opposition to their parents by doing poorly in school or by defying household rules.
Risk-taking behavior - Finally, if you notice a pattern of risk-taking behavior such as drug and/or alcohol use, staying out all night, or other signs of poor impulse control, you have a problem on your hands. If a teen is out-of-control, it is important for parents to take control of the situation.

Now, let's get some answers to the initial question--"How do I stay connected to my teen?"

SPEND TIME TOGETHER ONE-ON-ONE ON A REGULAR BASIS

Your job is to dismantle the wall of disconnect between the two of you. To reduce tension and increasing connection, start with simple activities.

Establish a regular routine of spending an hour or more together
Go to breakfast, etc…
Disconnect from devices and make it your goal to have fun

SPEND SOME TIME IN THEIR WORLD

START WITH LISTENING

Your kids can quote your speeches. They’ve heard them a thousand times. Yet, you do not get the change you’re expecting. Exhausted yet? Try doing some listening.

ASK CURIOSITY QUESTIONS

Notice I said “curiosity” not “interrogation”. Curiosity questions have a neutral tone of showing interest or concern. It’s about understanding what is happening from your teen’s point of view. Curiosity questions require you to be open, not reactive or defensive. The key is to present yourself in a manner in which your teen will feel comfortable opening up to you. Here are a few examples of curiosity questions.

"Who's your favorite artist right now?" "What do you like about their music?"
“I can see you are upset right now. Can you tell me what it’s about?”
“You’ve been distant lately. Is there a problem?”
“It seems like nothing is going your way lately. Care to talk about it?”

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE YOU RESPOND

Basically, what this means is try to convey back to your teen what he/she is saying. Here’s an example.

“Sounds like you’re upset because your friend was being rude to you.”
“So you’re saying your distant because you think mom and I treat you like a child.”
“What you’re saying is, nothing is going the way you planned and you feel terrible.”

KEEP YOUR COOL IN YOUR RESPONSE

You may not like, nor agree with what you hear. That’s okay. What happens next is very important. Keep your cool. If you can’t then don’t say anything. Take a break. Address it once you calm down. If you are calm, speak with respect. After you convey an understanding of where your teen is coming from, address the situation from your point of view. Give reasons to support your decision. They don’t have to like or agree with them, but they also need to understand you too. One of the best ways to connect with your teen is to identify with their experience. Did you struggle in your friendships? Ever make mistakes and get into trouble? If so, it might be helpful to relate your own experiences. "I remember having similar problems when I was your age. One time I..."

USE WORDS THAT INSTILL CONFIDENCE

Validate good behavior. Make statements that support your belief in your teen to be successful in life. Let them know you have confidence in their problem-solving skills and ability to figure things out.

BALANCE LOVE & LIMITS

An imbalance of one or the other is not good for parent-teen connection. Nor is it good for adolescent development. Teens don’t need parents do be a friend. Nor do they need them to be gestapo! Do not connect your love to their behavior. Love them unconditionally. When you set limits, enforce them. Try making them last one day. Let every morning be a fresh start on improving behavior. Avoid grounding or taking away privileges for an extended period of time, unless of course the bad behavior warrants it.

STEP IN WHEN THEIR BEHAVIOR IS OUT OF CONTROL

If your teens behavior is alarming. If you see a pattern. By all means, step in. I tell teens, “If you don’t control your behavior, your parents will, and you probably won’t like the outcome.” Teens with behavioral problems need intervention. This is a time for parents to step in and do whatever is necessary to get them back on track. Intervention may require the assistance of mental health professionals who are experts in helping families. Wise parents take advantage of the support counseling services provide.

Now it's Your Turn

Teenagers want to connect with their parents even though they don't show it. They're looking to you to take the lead. Don't react to the wall they put up. Teens want space but they don't want to be disconnected from you either. So, what's your next move?

How to Help Your Kid Survive a Bullying Culture

donald — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 20:52:34 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] Have you ever been bullied? Me too. As I child I often experienced bullying behavior as a white kid in a community turning black. It was during the civil rights movement in the sixties. I was confused because we lived peaceably with our black neighbors. Later as a teen, the first and only time in my life I was the bully. At the provocation of my friends, I hit a black kid in the back with a stick who was riding his bike in our white neighborhood. While my friends laughed, inwardly I felt ashamed. I never acted the role of a bully again. Bullying is a toxin in our society. No longer is it isolated to the playground. Forget the persona of the big kid at school with bigger problems at home who takes it out on others. Today, bullies are everywhere. Here are few examples:

Institutions: academic, government, business,
School - 1 out 5 children experience bullying behavior
Workplace
Internet: cyber bullying
In families: abuse

Bullying is a social epidemic. Within the past year I watched 3 programs that depict the severity of this toxin. I highly recommend you watch these:

Types of Bully Behavior

Kids in school are exposed to bullying 24/7. Bullies act alone or in groups. In a cyber culture it can infect the masses as kids align with power sectors in schools. If you want to fit in, mock the latest target of attack. Bullying comes is various forms. Here are four common types.

Verbal
Physical
Social/Emotional
Cyber

Impact of bully behavior on kids and teens

Bullying has a profound negative effect on child and adolescent development. Here are 7 areas it can impact your kid:

Self-identity/self-esteem harm
Formation of mental health problems - anxiety, depression, panic disorder, PTSD, suicidality
Social development
Academic development
Health problems - chronic stress, somatic symptoms
School avoidance
Family disturbance

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]Check out the All About We Podcast on this topic. Click the play button at the beginning of this post.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

How to help your kid survive a bullying culture

Let's take a look at some things you can do to prepare your kid to thrive in school and handle situations when confronted by bullying behavior.

Create a safe and respectful culture at home

Does your home contain a bully toxin? Do you tolerate bully behavior? Here are two areas to examine in your home:

Marriage interaction
Sibling behavior

Modeling, teaching, and coaching respectful behavior is paramount to surviving a bully culture. Often bullies in social settings act out what is exhibited in the home. If your home is not a safe zone you need to address this problem otherwise you teach your kids that bullying is normal behavior that one either tolerates or exhibits without consequence.

Build your kid’s self-confidence by promoting healthy social behavior

Teach them basics of healthy social behavior: friendliness, kindness, sharing, supporting, loyalty Teach them the basics of social boundaries:

respecting yourself - setting boundaries
Being assertive when others push on or cross personal boundaries
treating others with respect - honoring boundaries
Repairing offenses
Choosing friends who respect boundaries too

Monitor your kid’s acclamation to the school environment

Pay attention to their mood and behavior when they come home from school. Notice any change over time? Pay attention to patterns:

Moodiness
Withdrawn
Irritability
Isolation
Acting out on others
Physical signs - bruises, marks, cuts, etc…

Step in and begin a dialogue with your kid

Be calm and do not over-react. Keep your emotions in check. Speak with a tone of curiosity not inquisition. Describe the pattern you’re observing and do a check-in about adjustment to school. You want to convey:

A non-threatening, non-judgmental, nor over-reactive posture
An intent to understand
Not take matters into your own hands, but work as a team to solve the problem

As they open up to disclose the bully behavior they are experiencing do the following:

Remain calm, keep emotions in check, and listen
Convey and understanding and validate emotions
Ask curiosity questions to get as much detail as possible (you want to document the incident(s))
Reassure them they did the right thing disclosing the bullying and that you are proud of their courage

Collaborate with your kid on problem-solving solutions to deal with the bullying behavior

Promote and reinforce concepts of self-respect and setting boundaries that ensure well-being and safety.
Help them understand in an age-appropriate manner the basic elements of power being displayed.
- Bully power is about control.
- Respectful power is about co-existing.
- Reinforce the importance of not giving away power to someone trying to control you.
Discuss ways your kid can express respectful power by using an assertive voice to confront bully behavior.
- Disarming the power responses. (See quick scripts below)
- Confident eye contact with the bully.
- Holding your position.
- Walking away.
Consider the power of a friend to silently stand by your kid’s side when they confront a bully.
If pattern continues involve teachers or other school administrators.
1. Encourage your child to talk to the teacher
2. Have a meeting with the teacher
3. Inquire about the school bullying policy
4. Support groups, school campaigns, etc..
5. School social worker
6. Discover what your state’s policy and laws state to protect people from bullying
Discuss options for choosing new friends or social groups to join.

Quick Scripts in Response to a Bully

“I don’t accept being treated this way. If it continues I won’t hang with you/play with you anymore.” “Your words make you feel tough but they do not make me feel weak.” “That’s your opinion. I don’t share it.”

Now it's Your Turn

What to you do to equip your kids to survive a bully culture? After reading this blog, what steps do you want to take to help your kids live confidently and respectfully?

How to Prevent Your Insecurity From Hurting Your Relationship

donald — Sat, 02 Sep 2017 18:46:09 +0000

[powerpress] “Can we have a talk? I want to share something with you that may make you angry and I am asking that you listen and try not to overreact.” Marian's tone was respectful and disarming. I agreed and listened. She was right. I was angry. But, I kept it under control and tried to understand her rationale. I wasn’t on board but I didn’t own the decision. She did. [vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]If you want to know more details about the conversation and what I had to deal with check out the All About We Podcast episode. Just click the play button above.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row] Marian suspected that her decision albeit non-criminal to our marriage, might trigger an insecurity within me. She was right. It did. I had a choice. Put pressure on her to change her decision. Or, put pressure on myself to confront my insecurity. Over the next 24 hours as we discussed the issue, I vacillated between getting her to reconsider and getting my courage to face my fear.

I had a choice. Put pressure on her to change her decision. Or, put pressure on myself to confront my insecurity.

I told her that I don’t own the decision and that if this is what she wanted to do I have to accept it. Marian saw how much anguish I was in and decided not to go forward with her decision. She did it in a very compassion manner. Afterward, I felt a mixture of relief and guilt. The guilt troubled me. I felt like I had manipulated her with my insecurity. I also felt like a hypocrite. In my work with clients I talk to them about the importance of disarming our insecurities by confronting them. After some thought I approached Marian and said, “Can we talk?” I told Marian that I want her to stick to her original decision and that I would support her. I also told her that I trust her. As far as my insecurity is concerned, I said that I needed to own it, confront it, and not be ruled by it. Marian reacted in a most gracious manner. She thanked me and later told me that she feels so much closer to me because I trust her character. Since that conversation, I have felt a surge of confidence and the insecurity is shrinking. Had I chosen to emotionally manipulate my wife into changing her decision it would likely hurt our marriage. Inwardly Marian could have felt hurt or disappointed that I didn’t trust her or have confidence in her decision. I would have also reinforced the power of the insecurity by caving in to it. Sometimes relationships struggle when the activation of insecurities form a negative pattern of mistrust. It is especially troubling when a partner lives under the scrutiny of another unjustifiably. Their actions are innocent yet they are judged untrustworthy. Patterns like this are spawned from insecurities formed by early childhood wounds. You can prevent your insecurity from hurting your marriage by following these 3 action steps

Own your insecurity instead of it owning you

This is an issue of control. Do I control my life? Or, does my insecurity control my life--and relationships? Do you know your insecurities? Or do you deny you have any? If you know them you are one step closer to owning them. On the other hand, if you deny them, they own you--period. People owned by insecurity live in fear and mistrust. They control other’s behavior to avoid being triggered. Owning includes:

identifying insecurity
working on controlling it

Purpose to not manipulate others with your insecurity

The easiest way to deal with an insecurity is to avoid it. However, this gives it more power to control your life. You in turn will likely control others by getting them to act in a manner that appeases you. But it does not consider their interests or needs. This is selfish and inconsiderate behavior. If you care about your spouse you want to consider her/his interests. If it triggers your insecurity you have a choice:

Manipulate my partner
Manage my insecurity

Being purposeful not to manipulate your spouse will point you in the direction of dealing with your insecurity. Confronting fear, mistrust or other unpleasant emotions is not easy. However, if you are going to own your insecurity and diminish its power in your life you have to confront it.

Confront your insecurity when it reels it’s ugly head

Emotions that surface from insecurities are often irrational. Irrational fear, mistrust, rejection, or abandonment are examples. In the moment they feel real. Projecting mistrust on a partner who has not done anything to justify the feeling is harmful to the relationship. The partner always feels like she/he is on the hot seat. In order to break this pattern, the person has to turn attention off their spouse and on to their insecurity. Confront it when it reels it’s ugly head. You can say something like this: “My spouse is not the problem. My fear about being hurt is the problem.” By owning your insecurity, not manipulating your partner, and confronting your insecurity when it reels it’s ugly head, you will successfully diminish its control. You will feel more confident, secure, and trusting of others. The negative pattern in your relationship will weaken and you will feel safe and close to each other.

Now it's your turn

Everyone has insecurities. Do you know yours? What can you do to work on getting better control over it?

What Happens When Trust is Broken in Your Relationship

donald — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 12:43:38 +0000

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][powerpress] From the start you feel really good about this relationship. Your new found love checks all the boxes.

✅ Attraction

✅ Compatibility on values, morals, spirituality, lifestyle, etc...

✅ Emotional connection

✅ Romantic

✅ Adventurous

✅ Independent

✅ Health minded

✅ Financially responsible

✅ Stable family background

✅ Wants kids

So you decide to go to the next level. You enter a monogamous relationship. Perhaps you marry or move in together. Either way, you feel really good about sharing your life with this other person. Things are going real well. Sure, you have your occasional argument but you work through it. The love is still there and you're building a dream life together. But then your heart is broken. For some it is a major event like some form of betrayal. While in other cases it is a series of disappointments in your spouse that question their reliability to honor a promise or keep their word. Trust in your mate's willingness to care for your needs is suspect. Maybe even broken. It begs the question, "What happens when trust is broken?" Before I answer this, let's define the term in a couple relationship.

What is trust in a couple relationship?

Trust is a sacred exchange between two people devoted to care for each other. Includes the following:

Belief in the honesty and reliability of the other person
Confidence in the other person’s ability to show up in the relationship
Certainty in the person based on a congruent pattern - their actions and words match

Trust is a belief in the benevolent character of the other person. Knowing their intent is to do good and avoid doing harm. In a committed relationship a couple forms a bond based on love and trust.

We are in love with each other
We are going to do life together
We establish a monogamous relationship
We promise to do good and avoid doing harm to each other
We open up and share our hearts with each other
We protect each other’s heart

When couples establish a relationship at this level of trust there is a deep sense of security in their bond.

What happens when trust is broken?

Based on what happened to violate trust the damage may be minor or catastrophic. The epicenter of casualty is the couple bond. Mistrust forms. Love feels vulnerable to more hurt. Distance forms between the couple as a safety measure against further harm. Freedom to express love or be vulnerable feels unsafe. Mistrust forms an anxious bond in the relationship. Communication breakdown and conflict patterns increase. Health and viability of the relationship is at risk. None of this sounds good, does it? So, now let's get to the question...

Can a relationship recover from broken trust?

The short answer is "yes". However, getting there is challenging and complicated. Let me explain. Depending on the level of damage, recovery is hard work over a period of time. In previous blogs and in my book, I describe a formula for rebuilding trust: Trust = behavior/time. Recovery from catastrophic damage is difficult but possible. This requires long hard work. It takes both individuals working together to recover. Sometimes one partner is unwilling or too broken by the harm to work on it. Rebuilding trust requires a mutual effort. Each person has a role in the rebuilding process. Couples who go through the arduous process of rebuilding trust often have stronger relationships. I see this often in my work. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_message] In the fall, I will be launching a membership site called The University of We. In the videos and workbook I walk you through the process of rebuilding trust. Click here if you want to get on the notification list for the launch of UofWe. [/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Now it's Your Turn

What are you doing to maintain a level of trust in your relationship? If you broke it, what are you willing to do next to rebuild it?

I was applauded by strangers in a restaurant!

donald — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 13:27:18 +0000

The unexpected happened in a restaurant yesterday. I was applauded by all the customers. It caught me by complete surprise. You see, I didn't know anyone in the restaurant except my wife! It wasn't my birthday. No special event. Just lunch with Marian. We did an overnight in Northbrook so we could eat at one of our favorite restaurants and visit the Chicago Botanical Gardens the next day. Our plan was to eat at the restaurant Friday night and have lunch there again Saturday after a walk at the botanical gardens. Everything went as planned. It was a pleasant trip--that is, until lunch. We were enjoying a nice salad and a glass of chardonnay. An entree of their outstanding chicken cutlets was to follow.

Then it started.

In the back of the restaurant, a table of 10 women were talking and having a good time. I can't tell you what they were talking about because I was too far away. But every minute or so a roar of laughter would erupt. One woman in particular had a loud shrilling tone that could break glass! Heads were turning among tables throughout the restaurant. People were shaking their heads complaining to each other. We asked for the hostess to come by our table and requested that someone ask the women to tone the volume down. Instead, the hostess offered to move us to the bar area for more quiet. Really? I politely said "no" and stated that I would go to the women and make the request myself. At which point the hostess said she would have the owner of the restaurant do it. The owner came out of the kitchen peaked around and went back in. The executive chef also walked out and shook her head and returned to her work. Meanwhile, the laughter continued with elevated pitch and frequency. It was out of control!

That's when I stepped into action.

I walked over to the table and interrupted the conversation. With a polite tone I said, "I can see that you are having a lot of fun here together. However, it is extremely loud and disturbing the other guests who are trying to enjoy their lunch. Would you please tone it down a little?" The response from the group was very apologetic and compliant. As I turned and walked away, a group of six elderly couples who were seated near the women, smiled at me and said "thank you". Then it happened. I started receiving applause from every table in the restaurant! It was unexpected and a little embarrassing. I felt like I was some celebrity or a local high school football coach whose team just won state championship. Here's the sad thing The owner of the restaurant or the hostess should have received the applause. Not me. A person in charge could have acted before things got out of hand. You can serve outstanding food and provide service to match. However, if you don't give equal attention to ambience it will ruin the experience. It likely damaged the restaurant's credibility.

3 Lessons I took from being applauded.

After I sat down, I related some thoughts to Marian about what this experience taught me.

Don't be that loud table that ruins it for others. I regret times I have been out with my buddies and we were too loud and insensitive to the other guests of the restaurant. Have fun but be mindful that others may be negatively impacted by your volume and intensity.
Don't be afraid to act when it is in the best interests of others. The owners should have taken charge. I'm a business owner and on occasion had to step into situations in our waiting area when the actions of one were disrupting the comfort of others.
Be respectful when you confront a problem. I took a deep breath, used a respectful tone, started with a positive statement, then addressed the problem, followed by a request. Most often this approach works.

Two major elements in emotional intelligence are self-awareness and social-awareness. The ability to monitor self-expression and tune in to the needs of others. This was lacking at the table of women yesterday. Leadership was also missing. The restaurant management team did not take charge. In the end, I received the applause they would have, had they done their job.

The Power of an Extra-Mile Marriage

donald — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 01:03:40 +0000

[powerpress] I asked my friend and mentor, Steve Warner to be a guest writer on my blog. He published a book called Mile 2: 31 Extra mile secrets for an extraordinary life. You can also listen to our interview with him in the All About We Podcast above. Steve shares insights on how to go the second mile in marriage. Enjoy the sage advice of my good friend. Recently I wrote a book entitled "Mile 2: 31 Extra Mile Secrets for An Extraordinary Life". The foundational principle is that no one is born as an extra miler. We all emerge from the womb with similar attitudes – and none of them particularly altruistic. We want what we want when we want it. We are forceful, demanding, and egocentric. It doesn't matter that mom and dad want to sleep! Babies want to be served, not serve. “Get up and take care of me, now!” they seem to scream! This is normal, at least during infancy and early childhood. Babies and toddlers cannot fend for themselves. Understandably, they need special care. The problem emerges when, with increasing maturity, a person still has the attitude "it's all about me". Such a person is a bona fide, card-carrying, stuck-in-the-mud "one miler". However, some people make an amazing discovery somewhere along the line. They realize that in the years since they were kicking the slats out of the cradle their philosophy of life has changed! It isn't any longer about them, but about others. The goal is no longer to walk one uneventful mile, but to go the Extra Mile.

What does an Extra Miler look like?

Well, they come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. They are distinguished by their actions, not by appearance. Simply stated, Extra Milers go over and beyond, anticipate needs, are generous and caring, cheerful, compassionate, and grateful. They don't wait to be served – they serve. They don't need the carrot or the stick to get moving. They are fueled by an inner dynamo, fueled by kindness as its own reward. [Tweet "Simply stated, Extra Milers go over and beyond, anticipate needs, are generous and caring, cheerful, compassionate, and grateful. "]

What does going the second mile look like in a marriage?

Most parents are pretty good at going the Second Mile for their children. Rides to soccer practice, money for school, trips to the emergency room – no problem. That's why moms and dads on the earth, right? But many of these acts of service for our offspring are done at the expense of becoming one milers within the very marriages that produced the children! Which brings us full circle back to this statement: "The best thing parents can do for their kids is to love and respect their child’s father or mother." My wife and I have been married for 48 years. We have four grown children and seven grandchildren. Frankly, there were times as the kids were growing up when we had to remind one another of our first priority – us. We didn't want to raise a great tribe at the expense of our own relationship. So, while going the Extra Mile for our children (and now our grandchildren), we insisted on going the 2nd Mile for each other. What did that look like? It included...

Setting aside time to talk to each other – to listen – with eye contact.
Identifying each other's love languages – and acting upon that knowledge.
Helping each other when sick, under pressure, or when a bit discouraged.
Engaging in mutually loved sports – such as kayaking, biking, and hiking.

A few Christmases ago we realized that we were rushing through the holidays. While we cherished the Christmas season, we also both serve as pastors at a busy church. So, making the holidays enjoyable for others, while commendable, caused us to act like one milers toward each other. We were often rushed, cranky, and a bit resentful. That's when we decided to have our own "Twelve days of Christmas". Here's how it works… The 25th of every month is circled in red. The day before the 25^th I pull out our only monthly decoration, a “Christmas penguin” appropriately named Mary Christmas. At each monthly Christmas celebration, we play carols, exchange small gifts, have a special meal, like candles, sing carols, and read the Christmas story. In this way, we put God and each other first. Sometimes we invite others to join us for the celebration. It has become a staple on our monthly agenda. In this way, if days leading up to December 25 are hectic, we still had – and will still have – Christmas eleven more times scattered throughout the year!

Finally, in an Extra Mile marriage is important to accept one another.

We can't force others to go over and beyond. A 2nd Mile that is enforced gives credence to the old saying: "Discipline without desire leads to drudgery." Going over and beyond is only fun and real when it comes from the heart. My job is to monitor myself – and my wife's assignment is to do the same in reference to herself. In sum, the above is one example of how the Extra Mile can be fleshed out within a marriage.

What do I do when my parent is making my life a living hell?

donald — Sun, 05 Nov 2017 06:17:05 +0000

[powerpress] "What do I do when my parent is making my life a living hell?" I get asked this question a lot. You're doing your best to be a dutiful son or daughter, but never seems good enough for your parent. Instead you hear complaints, criticisms, or negative comments that get under your skin. Do you often feel a pit in your stomach when your mom or dad calls? You brace yourself, not knowing what's coming next, but certain it will disrupt your flow. Some parents are masters in manipulation. Guilt is a primary means to get their way. They also have a knack for spoiling a day by acting selfishly. These types of parents are:

demanding
inflexible
self-centered
entitled
inconsiderate of others

Adults who fit this pattern often have traits of a personality disorder. Common types include narcissism, border-line, or histrionic. So in response to the leading question, "What do I do...?" let me share some things that will help.

Lower your expectations

A common mistake adult children make is expecting a parent to behave nicely all the time. They keep expecting their loved-one to change. Unfortunately, personality disorders are generally fixed and resist change. It takes a longterm commitment to therapy and most individuals with this form of mental illness avoid counseling. In order to co-exist with a parent with a personality disorder you have to accept the person for who they are, not what you want them to be. To cope you have to lower your bar. Don't expect them to behave nicely or demonstrate reciprocity on a regular basis. They may do it occasionally. However, for the most part they are self-centered. This may be difficult to accept. You may need to grieve the relationship you wish you could have with your parent. By lowering the bar you protect your heart from hurt over unmet expectations.

Set limits with your parent

One of the first things you need to do to set limits, is get comfortable using the word "no". The days of dropping everything or changing your plans are over. Use a polite but firm "no" when the occasion calls for it. Weather the guilt storm and hold your position. Your parent may pout, but he/she will eventually get over it. Set limits also on rude or disrespectful behavior. You don't have to listen to it if you don't want to. Here's an example of what you might say. "Mom, I am asking you to please stop with the negative comments. If you can't I will have to end our conversation."

Show respect and dignity to your parent

Your parent raised you from birth. Surely you have some positive memories about this relationship. Don't lose sight of them. Hold on to the good! Maintaining respect is key. One of the ways you can do this is by separating the person from the personality disorder. Do your best to love your parent. Keep negative emotions in check. Try to avoid cutting a parent out of your life. Instead, maintain contact with healthy boundaries. As your parent ages, do your best to show dignity by being kind and caring.

Now it's your turn

Is your parent making your life a living hell? Review the 3 ways you can cope better. Try working on them. If you need more support I encourage you to seek counseling.

My Top 3 Parenting Tips You Can't Afford to Skip Over

donald — Sat, 11 Nov 2017 15:33:32 +0000

[powerpress] My top 3 parenting tips are likely to surprise you. You won't find them listed in best-selling books on the subject. In fact, you might argue that they have nothing to do about parenting at all! Be that as it may, I routinely find myself sharing these tips with parents I coach. I'm going old school on you today. Parenting is a lot different now than when I was a kid. Parents today invest way more time, energy, and money into their kids with less results. From dawn to dusk parents are focused on making sure their kids have what they need to succeed in life. Nothing wrong with this right? The amount of attention and the battle for control between parents and kids is exhausting! Parents today struggle

Getting their kids to go to school or at least get there on time
Getting their kids to do homework without their supervision
Getting their kids to and from multiple activities (school programs, sports, music, etc...)
Getting their kids to do basic chores: picking up after themselves, making bed, etc...
Getting their kids off electronic devices
Getting their kids to bed on time

Contrast this to earlier generation of parenting.

Kids were expected to go to school
Absences were not allowed unless child was truly sick
Homework was child’s responsibility to complete with minimal parental assistance
Participation in sports/arts was limited
Kids had chores
Kids had considerable unstructured time to play

So, what is different between the generations? In one simple term--leadership. Parents established and maintained authority over their children by balancing love and limits. They set expectations and enforced consequences. Kids learned to obey and respect their parents. What was the result?

Fewer power struggles with kids
Kids had more autonomy
Parents had more free time
Less stress, more connection in the family

Kids are looking to their parents for leadership. They want you to be in control and this starts with yourself first. Kids react to parents who are routinely stressed out. They will push your buttons. Deep down they want you to lead your family out of the chaos. So, how do you bring leadership to your family? Here are my top 3 parenting tips you cannot afford to skip over.

Parenting Tip #1: Get control of your family calendar

Families on the run is a crisis in our society! It is tearing families apart. A typical family today is on the go, moving in different directions, stressed out, and disconnected. Over-involvement in activities is not healthy for your kids or family. You need more evenings and weekends at home to replenish your energy and connect with each other. Parents want to pour into their kids things that that will help them succeed. The most important thing to pour into them is you—building a relationship with them. You cannot do this sitting in the stands. Cut back on the amount of activities you schedule for your kids. Reduce the amount of work you bring home. Have dinner together at home. Go for walks. Play board games.

Parenting Tip #2: Invest time in personal growth and self-care

You must pour into yourself before you pour into them. If your tank is empty you have nothing of quality to give your kids. A stressed-out parent produces stressed-out kids! Time invested in personal growth and self-care will help you stay connected to yourself. This allows you to give the best of yourself to your kids. Give yourself one or two activities you do for personal enjoyment, to de-stress, and develop your inner self.

Parenting Tip #3: Invest time in your marriage

Kids are negatively impacted by a distressed marriage. Their base of security and development is correlated to the health of their parent’s marriage. The most important parenting skill is building a strong marriage. Once you get control of your calendar (tip #1) it will free you up to invest more time in your marriage. Think in terms of “pockets of time” and “planned time” together. If your marriage is in a bad spot, invest time in marriage counseling/coaching. I find this often helps couples get back on track. [Tweet "The most important parenting skill is building a strong marriage."]

Now it's your turn

Trust me, these are parenting tips you cannot afford to skip over. They establish your leadership in the family. What are one or two things you can do right now to get control over your calendar?

3 Reasons Why Expressing Gratitude in the Not-So-Good Times is Good For You

donald — Sat, 18 Nov 2017 19:27:48 +0000

[powerpress] Sometimes gratitude is hard to find. Consider what's happened in America and along our southern border in 2017:

Hurricane Maria in the Dominican Republic
Hurricane Irma in Florida
Hurricane Harvey in Texas
Earthquake in Mexico
Fires in Sonoma, CA
Shooting attack on lawmakers playing baseball in Washington DC
Vehicle attack in Charlottesville, VA
Shooting attack in church service in Antioch, TN
Sniper attack in Las Vegas
Vehicle attack in NYC
Shooting attack in church service in Sutherland Springs, Tx

Maybe you were not directly impacted by these events but were you touched by one of these problems?

Financial disaster
Relationship ending, divorce
Death in family or friendship
Suicide
Overdose
Loss of employment
Serious or terminal illness
Serious injury or impairment

I know what it's like to go through hardship on a holiday. Twenty years ago on the eve of Thanksgiving my first marriage collapsed. Major events or problems can have a serious negative impact on your life if you allow it. Hardship can rob you of happiness, or general contentment. It may lead you to worry excessively. Or maybe it leaves you with a jaded your outlook on life. For some it causes depression. Relationships also suffer. An antidote to cope with hardship is expressing gratitude. Here are 3 reasons why expressing gratitude in not-so-good-times is good for you. [Tweet "An antidote to cope with hardship is expressing gratitude."]

#1: Gratitude loosens the grip a problem has on your life

A major problem or catastrophe can get a firm hold on your life and occupy your thoughts incessantly. It can bleed into all areas of your life making everything difficult. Finding gratitude in tough times is not simple, it takes effort on your part, but when done it can loosen the grip a problem has on your life. “We loss our house and all our possessions. However, I am thankful we did not suffer loss of life. We have our family and we will rebuild on this land.” Expressing gratitude prevents tunnel vision from jading your perspective. You can see light at end of the tunnel. Renewed hope can shift the power your way and give you better control over the problem.

#2: Gratitude renews an appreciation for things you take for granted

If you live in America, consider yourself blessed in comparison to third world countries. We have a meltdown over poor internet connection while people in Venezuela wonder if they will have food today. I recently joined Charity Water and sponsor building fresh water wells in impoverished areas. One of the ways to combat the negativity that comes with major problems is to focus on the positive things in your life that you take for granted.

You’re divorced from your spouse but your kids remain in your life
You didn’t get a promotion but you still have a job
You’re health is good
You have a place to live and food to eat
You have a great family and friends

Gratitude for things we have makes the problem we’re going through less threatening.

#3: Gratitude presents opportunity for growth and a new perspective

Every problem we face presents an opportunity for growth. It is important that we adopt a learning mindset. There is a difference between “being thankful for a problem” vs “being thankful in a problem”. Nobody asks for problems. To be thankful for a problem sounds fake. Being thankful in a problem suggests that one’s attitude going through it is to find good in the not-so-good. It is learning about yourself, learning about others, and learning about life. Gratitude shifts focus from pain to a new perspective and clearer path for your life going forward.

Now it's your turn

What is a not-so-good thing you are going through? Using the 3 reasons, how do you want to express gratitude this Thanksgiving holiday? Here are some ideas. Journal your reflections. Share it with family or friends on Thanksgiving Day. Or, leave a comment below.

3 Reasons Why an Attitude of Gratitude Makes Your Life Better

donald — Sun, 26 Nov 2017 13:13:04 +0000

Today, Amanda Berlin, my cohost on the All About We Podcast shares this timely blog on gratitude. Have you ever white-knuckled gratitude? I have. Have you ever sat there, sleepless in your bed at night, eyes open staring at a ceiling you can’t quite see, trying to remember the things that are going RIGHT in your life, and coming up empty? Have you tried to focus on gratitude because you know you should or you read some pithy or soulful quote one of your annoyingly optimistic friends posted on Facebook? Have you had to pull those things you’re grateful for out of you-don’t-want-to-say-where because “Gosh, I’m so spoiled to be feeling this BAD about my life since so many people have it so much worse?” I get that. What if we were able to come at gratitude from a place of greater understanding and appreciation (get it?) for gratitude’s benefits in our lives and in the lives of others? Today, on this weekend of Thanks, I have for you three reasons why gratitude is important...and none of them have to do with “shoulding” all over the process. (i.e. I know I SHOULD be grateful.)

#1:Gratitude can help you make someone else feel good

I recently talked with my community about replacing the word “sorry,” (which women say all too often in inappropriate context that have nothing to do with apologies) with “thank you.” When you say “thank you,” you are giving the other person the opportunity to, yes, feel appreciated. You are also telling them that you see and honor who they are, what they are doing, and how they are showing up in your life. Thank you is a gift for the person to whom you’re saying it.

#2: What you appreciate appreciates

When you take a minute to feel gratitude for even the most simple thing in your life, like, say, the scent of fresh brewed coffee wafting from the kitchen every morning, you’re waking up to the presence of that scent and the feeling of gratitude. When you wake up, you’re more aware, and when you’re more aware, you start seeing more and more of these little moments for which you can be grateful. Soon, it’s a gratitude avalanche and you’re overwhelmed (in a good way!) by these little moments of beauty and they seem to happen all the time. When you start to appreciate the little things, the little things take on bigger meaning and they are amplified in your life.

#3: Gratitude changes the way you feel in your life

An attitude of gratitude comes with its own energy profile. Someone who embodies this attitude is happy, soulful, magnetic. They are just more fun to be around. And when you ARE the person who adopts that attitude of gratitude and you get to live in that energy of happiness you feel better in your life. You can rest comfortably and confidently in the fact that you’re showing up as a positive source of energy, which is a blessing to those around. You might even hear them say, “Thank you!” for that.

3 Lessons People in Power Can Learn From MeToo

donald — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:04:09 +0000

[powerpress] The look in this coworker's eyes really disturbs me. It reflects the fear many individuals described in MeToo tweets in recent months. No one should ever be subjected to the sexual advances from a person of power in the workplace. #metoo is empowering individuals to come forward and report sexual harassment and abuse in the workplace. Perpetrators of harm are on notice that a day of reckoning has come and victims will be silent no more. Beginning with Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein, an unmasking of sexual predators within media and government institutions is bringing a heightened awareness of the epidemic of sexual harassment in the workplace. Victims are primarily women, although a few men have also reported assault. In every case exposed thus far, the perpetrators have been men in positions of power. No institution is safe to work in. Sexual harassment, abuse, or pedophilia in churches and schools is happening daily. 800,000 children are missing each year in America and many are being trafficked in the black market. Sexual exploitation is an insidious virus infecting our society, doing great harm to innocent, vulnerable individuals. My hope is that the current purge in mainstream media will serve notice to all who hold positions of power that abuse in the workplace will no longer be tolerated. It cannot be ignored or covered-up. As a business owner, I am in a position of power. A staff of 8 counselors work under my direct supervision. Additionally, I have clients who expect me to provide a safe space for them to talk about their personal problems. On occasion, clients disclose incidents of sexual harassment or abuse in the workplace. The emotional scars they bear is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. If you are in a position of power listen closely. With power comes great responsibility. See how the mighty have fallen! It could happen to anyone of us. To avoid this, let me share 3 things people in positions of power can learn from #metoo.

#1: You have a responsibility to make the environment a safe place to work.

People are looking to you for leadership, not lordship. The use of power to manipulate or control people for selfish purposes is actually a sign of weakness. Your position does not give you unlimited rights over your workers. Instead, use your power to create a safe and healthy environment that fosters growth. Set clear expectations about respectful behavior in the workplace and take the lead in modeling it for your team.

#2: Be aware that entitlement may over-inflate your ego.

People in positions of power are usually called upon to perform important or difficult tasks. They are often applauded by others and given recognition. Entitlements also come in positions of power. Perks, like a priority parking spot, corner office, or company car, etc... can quickly inflate your ego if you're not careful. How one handles success is very important. If you let it get to your head then it can become an Achilles heel that will eventually ruin your career. On the other hand, if you maintain a true sense of yourself, you will have greater positive impact on others.

#3: The greatest use of your power is in servant leadership.

Perpetrators of harm believe others exist to serve their needs. They use their power to manipulate or coerce others to fulfill their pleasure. The environment they create is unsafe and others secretly fear them. Servant leadership focuses on the safety and welfare of the workers. They are not predators. Rather, they protect you and act swiftly to rid the environment from them. Servant leaders also focus on meeting needs, and providing opportunities for growth for workers. Their mindset is: "It's not about me. It's about we." People respect and want to work harder for leaders who serve. Therefore, servant leaders have longevity and low turnover among workers.

Now it's your turn

What other lessons can people in positions of power learn from #metoo? Leave your comments below.

One thing parents do that kids hate and never get used to

donald — Sat, 09 Dec 2017 14:30:14 +0000

[powerpress] I hated this when my parents did it. My kids hated it when we did it too. When I talk with kids in my office, this is the one thing they dislike the most about their parents. Constant fighting.

Conflict is normal

Conflict is normal. How it is expressed, resolved, and managed determines the level of effect it has on kids growing up in the environment. Parents who resolve conflict quickly and respectfully model positive behavior on conflict-resolution, which is actually good for kids to see. If you constantly fight it creates instability in the family environment. Whether it’s in front of the kids or not, they will detect it and will feel distress. Destructive fighting - screaming, threats to leave, name-calling, physical aggression, and cold war tactics all are extremely damaging to kids. Cold war (non-verbal) and other forms of avoidant behavior in couples have even more negative effect on kids. Hostility they can see. Avoidance indicates something is wrong but they don’t know what it is, but they feel it and it scares them.

How does constant fighting impact kids?

Parents who fight often place strain on family relationships. Kids may not say much, but don't think for a moment that it doesn't affect them. A 2002 UCLA study found that kids who grew up on a home with constant fighting had more physical, emotional, and social problems in adulthood than kids in a control group. Here are 10 ways constant fighting impacts kids:

Kids become distraught, anxious, and worried about the marriage.
Some kids disengage, withdraw, and isolate from the family.
Some kids try to get in the middle as ref or peacemaker.
Other kids may act out in disruptive behavior on parents, siblings, or in social settings.
Physiological reactions to stress increase sickness.
Psychological problems impact health and developmental growth.
Higher cortisol levels (stress hormone) in kids in high conflict homes than kids in peaceful homes.
Impact on academic development due to worry, inability to concentrate, depression, etc..
From infancy to late adolescence the effect of constant fighting harms kids.
Constant fighting is “indirect child abuse”.

In a book on the effect marital conflict has on children and teens, author E. Mark Cummings wrote “kids don’t get used to it” (Marital Conflict and Children: An Emotional Security Perspective)

What you can do about this one thing

#1: Acknowledge together that it is damaging your kids

This is the “come to Jesus” moment in your marriage that what you’re doing is causing severe harm to the children you love dearly. You need to have a sobering conversation taking mutual ownership. No more finger-pointing. Identify how you specifically see your kids affected.

#2: Agree together to stop the pattern of constant fighting

Take action right away. Wave the white flag and agree to be civil. Develop a few simple rules of engagement to keep conflict from getting out of control. [vc_row][vc_column][vc_message]To learn more on how to create rules of engagement, listen to the All About We Podcast on this subject. Click the play button above.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row]

#3: Admit your faults to your kids and make yourselves accountable to address the problem

The “elephant in the room” is your constant fighting. Own your fault by admitting to your kids that this constant fighting is wrong and that you plan to address it together. Make yourselves accountable to the kids to do something about it.

#4: Accept responsibility for changing your behavior in front of your kids

This is time to be clear on what you vow to work on changing. Here's a few examples to get you thinking. “Going forward, I will watch my words and tone of my voice when I disagree with you in front of the kids.” “I will stop criticizing you in front of the kids.” Going forward, I will stop when you say ‘Let’s take a break.’” “I will get help with anger management.”

#5: Ask for help

Don't allow pride to get in your way. Knowing constant fighting causes indirect abuse to your kids, it is imperative you reach out for help. Personal counseling can help with anger or stress management. Marital counseling or coaching can help you develop communication and conflict-resolution skills.

Now it's your turn

Is this one thing a problem in your family? Now that you know the impact, what will you do next?

5 Things to Talk About Before You Get Married

donald — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 19:57:25 +0000

[powerpress] You can find yourself in unnecessary conflict after you get married. For example, have you ever been in trouble with your spouse and not sure what you did wrong? Confused right? This happens a lot, especially to guys. “How can you expect me to know what you want when you don’t tell me in the ﬁrst place? I’m not a mindreader! Or suppose you end a long work week and look forward to a romantic evening with your new husband. So you leave work early to prepare a surprise candlelight dinner . However, he’s looking forward to hang with the guys, something he’s done every Friday night for the past few years. He arrives home, greeted by a passionate kiss and led to the candlelit dining room. The look on his face is not what you expected. He’s frustrated. “You know it’s my night out with the guys!” You’re crushed. “I thought Friday night would be our date night.” Who’s wrong? Neither. They were operating oﬀ assumptions. Both. They did not discuss expectations. One of the early pitfalls of marriage is starting oﬀ with a set of expectations you assume your partner shares. To avoid this let’s look at 5 things to talk about before you get married.

#1: Talk about what you envision for your life

You may not be able to sketch every detail of your life from now until you die, but what about the larger brush strokes? What do you envision for yourself? Reﬂect on two levels. ◉ As an independent adult ◉ As an interdependent spouse Who do you want to become? What do you want to achieve in life? These questions address your expectations as an independent adult. How does my personal ambition mesh with being married? What do I want a spouse to understand about me? These questions address your expectations as an interdependent spouse. Once you are clear with yourself on what you envision, share this with your fiancé.

#2: Talk about what you want out of marriage

Be clear with yourself ﬁrst what you want out of marriage. You’d be surprised how many people don’t take the time to reﬂect on this. Most of us have a collection of expectations stored in memory by simple observation. We watch our parents, relatives, neighbors, friends, and movies about marriage. From this collection of images we form opinions about what we want and don’t want out of marriage. Talk with your fiancé about what you don't want out of marriage. Clarify for him or her what you do want.

#3: Clarify your expectations about roles and responsibilities in marriage

Once you envision what you want for your life and are clear what you want out of marriage it is time to clarify with your partner your expectations about roles and responsibilities. This is a series of conversations that begins when you ﬁnd someone you hope to marry. When the relationship enters a monogamy stage it’s time to open up with each other about what you want. These conversations will explore the degree of compatibility in your relationship, to determine if you are a good ﬁt. Moving into engagement it is important you talk about roles and responsibilities you will encounter in marriage. Here the goal is to collaborate and negotiate expectations that are mutually beneﬁcial.

#4: Communicate your values about money and how you manage it

Money is the number one thing couples argue over. One of the major reasons why this happens is because couples do not discuss values and approaches to managing money. Before you become engaged have conversations about money. Why? Because you don’t want to be surprised by concealed debt or poor money management that will cause problems at the onset of marriage. Be honest with each other about how you manage your ﬁnances. If you’re good at it, great! If not, open up about your struggles and discuss strategies that can be taken to learn how to manage money. The goal here is to tackle problems ahead of time.

#5: Discuss intimacy needs and expectations

Intimacy is a subjective term. Deﬁning what it means and how you experience it is a personal matter. Understanding what it means to your partner is equally important. Conversations that help you both deﬁne intimacy and express your expectations and needs is ongoing throughout the life of your relationship. The goal is to be mindful of what each of you need to experience intimacy. This will help you achieve mutual intimacy on a regular basis.

As needs change so do expectations

While you may plan your life to go a certain way, life has twists and turns. The unexpected happens. Also, as you grow older your needs change. Circumstances change, so do needs. Plan to have conversations about expectations the rest of your married life. Smart couples prepare for change by having ongoing conversations about expectations and needs. Doing this will help you ﬁnd answers to the question, “What do you need from me?”

The Complexities of Answering a Career Call

donald — Sun, 31 Dec 2017 15:05:49 +0000

[powerpress] Normally on the All About We Podcast, my cohost Amanda Berlin interviews me on the content of my latest blog. This week we did a role reversal and I interviewed Amanda about her career journey. Read what she has to say about this topic and listen to the interview by hitting the play button above.

The Complexities of Answering a Career Call

When I got let go from my last corporate job (nearly six years ago), I instantly knew I wasn’t going to go and find another job just like the one from which I had been [mercifully] freed. I knew I was “meant for” something different...something better...I felt CALLED to do something new, something all my own. At the time, I had been working in corporate publicity and I was disenchanted with my role helping big companies be louder than their competition. And I was also totally demoralized by the corporate culture. But as you’ll hear in our podcast episode for this week, in which I’m interviewed by Don, my self-employment journey wasn’t a straight line or a clear path, by any means. I wanted to talk about my effort to start my own business and create the offerings I extend today because many of us are going to start 2018 promising ourselves we aren’t going to finish 2018 in the same job we’ve hated for years. And, 2018 promises to be a really big year of change...so I imagine many of us will be experiencing challenging career decisions that could be met with fear...or empowerment. I hope we can choose the latter. In our interview, Don and I talked about:

How I existed in my corporate job in a veritable limbo.

I employed a “three-pronged approach” for dealing with dissatisfaction at work. Acceptance, forgiveness of myself and others, and an attitude and energy of “being the light” in a workplace that was plagued by poor morale -- these were unconditional approaches to how I could make it through until I figured out my next move. I knew I had to figure out how to be someone I could be proud of despite the fact that the workplace felt like it was sapping my soul.

How I navigated complexities with family when it came to this new professional trajectory.

I had to deal with improperly (or un-)communicated expectations. This was my failing. In retrospect, I made a mistake: I had one understanding of what it meant when I was going out on my own. And I didn’t communicate that to my partner. This is lesson in remarkable relationships that Don and I talk about over and over again. If only I had Don on speed dial back then. Live and learn. I would have taken a more straightforward stance in communicating with my partner. Don even gives me a script for how I could have handled this differently in our recording. Love those “quick scripts.”

How you feel can tell you a ton about what you should do with your life...and what you shouldn’t.

Over and over again in this conversation, Don and I uncovered the theme of discomfort as a catalyst for change. This can also be extremely valuable as you uncover your calling. What makes you feel super pumped and energized? And what feels like a clear, “No!”

How to figure out what you are “meant to do.”

Finally, we dove into practical tips for figuring out what you should be doing with your life. It boiled down to a few simple questions: What do people ask you about all the time? What FEELS good to you? What brings you alive? And, what are you really proud of yourself for accomplishing or overcoming?

Now it's Your Turn

We’d love to hear from you. Tell us what you do to stay positive at work. What do you feel called to do? Have you answered the call yourself? How did you know it was time to heed that internal or higher direction? We wish you courage and confidence as you follow your dreams in 2018, and we will be right here beside you along the way!

Finding a way to survive your storm

donald — Sun, 07 Jan 2018 12:28:48 +0000

In recent days I've encountered several storms. Two days ago I delivered a eulogy for my dear cousin Howie who died on Christmas day. While spending time supporting fellow family members grieving this tragic loss another storm is brewing. Late at night in my hotel room, I receive a group text from one of my closest friends John who asks for immediate sustained prayer. His teenage son who was diagnosed with leukemia a few months ago is having an allergic reaction to a blood transfusion and his blood count is extremely low. While all this is going on my dear mother is at home, dealing with multiple health issues which made it impossible for her to join us in Houston for the funeral. Mom has been in the hospital a few times over the past couple of months. My siblings and I are giving her around the clock care. In the course of a day, I step into multiple storms as clients disclose heartaches, troubles, betrayals, or tragedies of some sort. They want to survive the storm and are looking for ways to cope. Here are 5 things you can find to help you survive a storm.

Find courage to face your storm

When storms come people seek shelter. Our survival instinct is to hide and wait until the storm blows over. Some storms are unavoidable. You have to face them. Recently, I witnessed my client encounter the storm of ALS. Doug found the courage to face this disease head on. The remainder of his days were lived on his terms. How did Doug do it? He found all these 5 things you are reading. In November, I delivered the eulogy at his funeral. It was a highlight of my life.

Find faith in God to stand with you in your storm

I have faced a few major storms in my life. At times, I didn't know if I would survive. Without a doubt, finding faith in God gave me the courage not only to face my storm, but to stand strong in it. I am a Christian and find faith in conversational prayer and reading scripture. Journaling is also a way I converse with God. If you are currently in a storm, I encourage you to explore your faith. You are not alone. God is standing near.

Find people you can lean on for support in your storm

My buddy John did not hesitate to send the text thread out for prayer support for his son. We are his "band of brothers". He knows he can lean on us for support. Immediately he had guys responding. We in turn, asked others to pray for his son. One of the guys in our group lost a son to a tragic car accident a few years ago. He leaned on us too during his storm. See how it works? All this was going on while my family and relatives were leaning on one another while grieving the loss of my cousin. I encourage you to find people you can lean on for support in your storm. If they love you, it will not be a "burden" but a "blessing" to stand by your side.

Find others you can support in their storm

My cousin left behind a family, relatives and friends. He also left behind a company he built with his partner that had an international footprint. The outpouring of people at his memorial service was a testimony of his greatness. Howie was an exceptional person and through his generosity supported victims of Hurricane Harvey and the homeless. After I delivered the eulogy, people stood and gave personal accounts of the impact he had on their life. I witnessed people hugging and comforting one another. There were tears of sadness mixed with laughter and joy. No doubt, healing was taking place among the guests. Some storms bring people together to support each other. If you are in a storm one of the ways you can get through it is to find someone else you can support who is going through one too.

Find meaning in your storm

My client Doug found meaning in the storm of ALS. Every day was a gift he did not take for granted. He squeezed as much life as he could out of each day. I remember the last day he was at my office. By then he was using a cane to walk. As he was leaving the waiting room another woman was also exiting. Doug prayed, "God give me the strength to get to the door first so I can open it for the woman." He told me later that the prayer was answered and after he held the door open he felt like his life meant something that day. I flew home from Houston on Saturday. I checked on the status of John's son. His blood count was up and was hoping to come home later that day. Prayers answered... Reflecting on the events of the storm I was reminded of how fragile life is. We cannot take it for granted. Make each day count. "Carpe diem" I say. Storms will come. We have to find our way through. I hope these 5 things help you when your storm comes.

Now it's your turn

What do you find that helps you survive a storm? Share your comments below.

#1 Up n Down Struggle Between Couples

donald — Sun, 14 Jan 2018 15:13:09 +0000

[powerpress] I'll begin with a disclaimer. The #1 thing I address is not heavily researched. However, in my view it is the underlying element to the problems couples identify in surveys. Problems like…

Communication
Finances
Sex
Parenting

Can you guess what it is? Clues are imbedded in the title. Observe the couple. Can you solve the riddle? It's one word. POWER

Power up
Power down
Power struggle

The #1 up and down struggle most couples have is balancing power.

As water is to fish, power is to people: It is the medium we swim in. And it is typically just as invisible to us. Hara Estroff Marano

What is Power?

Power is your fundamental right to think, feel, speak and act on your own. Exercising your voice and choice. The expression of power is effective when it is done with respect toward the other person.

Respectful power brings influence.
Disrespectful power exerts control.

An underlying concern among couples is “will the expression of your power be helpful or hurtful?”

“Will he keep his promise to help with the kids?”
“Will she watch her spending?”
“Will he control his drinking?”
“Will she control her anger?”

[Tweet "The #1 up and down struggle most couples have is balancing power."]

3 ways you can maintain a balance of power in your relationship

Balancing power in couples' relationship is not as easy as one may think. Perspectives regarding roles may differ. Based on background, ethnicity, culture, or other influences individuals enter relationships with preconceived ideas about who is the de facto leader. Traditional views give the man the power up position. Feminist views advocate for the empowerment of women not to be reliant on men. Egalitarian views promote a balance of power among couples. When it comes to balancing power I advocate mutual respect. Inasmuch as you want to have your "voice and choice" be sure you give equal consideration to your mate. Here are 3 basic ways you can balance power as a couple.

#1 Accept your spouse as an equal partner in the relationship

Accept your spouse as an equal partner with a unique personality, traits and attributes that have a right to co-exist with you. Encourage and support your spouse to be his or herself. Don’t try to change them into a version more suited to you. This is a misuse of your power and a violation of their boundaries. When your spouse speaks, show respect by listening without interrupting. If you disagree, express it without being critical or demeaning. I like what psychologist and author Harriet Learner says about intimacy and power. “Intimacy rests on two people who have a capacity to both listen and speak up, who have the courage to bring more and more of their full selves into the relationship. Both need equal power in defining what they want and what they really think and believe. But you have to know you can leave a relationship. If you truly believe you can’t survive without a relationship, you have no power to really be yourself within it.”

#2 Affirm your spouse for the positive qualities they bring to the relationship

Be open to the influence your spouse brings to the marriage based on their knowledge, skill or previous experience that you don’t possess. This is a form of validation that says “you matter to me/us” and “add value to this relationship”. Notice the difference in this couple when they balance power.

“You are so intuitive. I admire how you seem to know how exactly what to do when our kids are distraught. You seem to be one step ahead and ready to deliver.”
“I notice how patient and calm you are under stress. How do you keep your cool when I feel so unglued in the situation?”
“Wow, you are a great planner! I tend to be scattered and I know it frustrates you. This vacation was awesome! If it was left up to me it would have been a disaster!”

#3 Accommodate your spouse’s needs by being flexible with each other

A spouse's needs can be squashed by their partner's power. It can come in the form of neglect, invalidation, or being dismissive. Rigidity is also a form of control that inhibits a spouse’s power. One person cannot rule a relationship or get their way most of the time. This imbalance of power forms a toxic pattern of passive-aggressive behavior in the relationship. The antidote for rigidity is flexibility, loosening control and accommodating your partner’s need. If your spouse is rigid you can use your voice (power) to advocate for your needs. Here are some examples.

“You’re great at managing money and I appreciate that we don’t have debt. We need to revisit the budget. Our kids are growing and we need more financial resources allocated to meet the demands.”
“I acknowledge I am not as knowledgeable as you are at parenting, but I need you to step back and let me step in. Please don’t correct me in front of the kids. My style is different but we share the same goal.”
"I don't have the right to dictate your life. Please understand your pattern of drinking is affecting our family. I know you love us. Therefore, I ask you to address my concern."

Flexibility is respecting your spouse's voice and accommodating by taking action. So what sets couples apart who balance power?

7 Benefits of Balancing Power

Mutual respect.
Increase in self-esteem.
Better communication.
Greater partnership.
Stronger connection.
Deeper intimacy.
Fewer conflicts.

How to Win the Battle Over Your Insecurity

donald — Sat, 27 Jan 2018 00:15:09 +0000

[powerpress] I've battled insecurity in one form or another my entire life. Feelings of fear, inadequacy, self-doubt, shame, and rejection are giants I engage in battle from time to time. These insecurities developed in my formative years and stood in my way on many occasion, taunting me like a playground bully. Deep down inside I believed I had a purpose, that I could do great things, but when it came time to act, I found ways to talk myself out of it. I surrendered to my insecurity. To compensate I focused on others, doing things to make people happy in order to gain their approval. I developed a pattern of being a people pleaser. This is not a healthy way to live. It masked my insecurities but they would surface time and again. In my late 30s, early 40s I hit a brick wall. I was emotionally spent. My identity felt fragmented. I decided it was time to face my giant and confront my insecurity. Here are 3 things I learned to do to win the battle over insecurity.

#1: Admit to yourself that you’re being controlled by insecurity

The first realization I had was how controlled I was by insecurity. It made me mad. How did I become so weak? Here's what I did and recommend you do. Stop making excuses about your insecurity. Denial, rationalization or other defense mechanisms cannot be your narrative any longer. Blaming others or circumstances for your unhappiness will keep you stuck. Don’t wait until you hit a brick wall like I did.

#2: Unmask your insecurity by opening up to others

Another thing I had to do was open up to a few people I trusted about my insecurity. An unmasking was necessary. You see, one of the ways people deal with insecurity is to put on a mask. Do you know it's hard work acting like you have it together all the time? I felt the pressure of being perfect, doing good all the time, setting an example. Deep down inside I had struggles. However, I feared shame and rejection from others so I kept a mask on. When I took off the masked by opening up I felt liberated! No judgment. Instead, people supported me and also shared some of their insecurities too. If you want to win the battle, umask your insecurity. Label them. Call them out. Open up to others about them. Remember, exposure weakens the power of insecurity and gives you more control.

#3: Confront Your Insecurity by taking some form of action

Insecurity was a giant in my life. For years, I was afraid to confront it. One day when I read the story of David and Goliath I was inspired by his faith and courage to face the giant. I decided it was time for me to go to battle too. Let me tell you something about fear. There are two ways to act.

Avoid the problem - which gives temporary relief, but the problem still stands in the way
Approach the problem - which initially increases anxiety at the thought, but has a rapid drop-off once you act.

My good friend and cohost of the All About We podcast, Amanda Berlin says for her "action relieves anxiety".

5 Smooth Stones Approach

In the David and Goliath story he fought the giant using a sling shot and five smooth stones he carefully selected. He only needed one to take down the giant. For illustrative purposes I have 5 mental stones I use to confront the giant of insecurity.

Self-affirmation (what I believe to be good about me)
Faith (my spiritual connection with God)
Support system (what others believe or say about me)
Courage (off with the mask)
Intolerance (unwilling to be controlled by insecurity)

Now it's your turn By winning battles over insecurity I feel good about myself. Furthermore, I accomplish more by living life fully. What is your giant? Are you winning the battle against your foe? Share what works for you in the comment section below.

How to be the storyteller of your amazing life

donald — Sun, 04 Feb 2018 13:46:00 +0000

[powerpress] Sometimes life can feel robotic. We get up every morning following the same script from the day before. Pressures of maintaining a household compounded by work demands seem to fill every waking hour. Days, weeks, months, and years are logged as events in the calendar, not experiences shared in the story of my amazing life. For many, their story can seem like it's been co-opted by others. You lost control of the narrative. Instead it feels like your spouse, kids, boss, or other people write your script. One may wonder, “Do I have control over the narrative of my life?” Now, that’s an important question. Or another way to ask it... “Do I own the pen? Or, have I left it for others to write my story?” To live a meaningful life you have to control the narrative. Here are some things to keep in mind to become the storyteller of your amazing life.

#1: Be the author of your story

You own the pen. The blank pages are for you to fill. Free will is about being self-directive. It's the essence of what it means to be the author. Your story will include contributing authors. These are likely key people with whom you share life. Their presence can draw you out and shape your narrative in some meaningful way. When you marry and have a family you will co-author these chapters with your spouse. This is a collaborated story. If you delegate the story to your spouse to write, you will lose control of your narrative and you act out the story he/she has scripted for you. Never give your pen away. Your story contains chapters of experiences and decisions you make that express who you are and describe how you choose to live. This includes roles as spouse, parent, professional, sibling, or friend.

#2: Your story will include events you didn’t plan

Human life has a natural progression. You’re born, you grow old, then you die. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always follow a straight path. People die early, disasters, hardship or some other difficult event happens in the course of life. You have no control over events. You cannot foresee what’s coming to avoid it or prevent it from happening. You simply have to deal with it. When unplanned events happen, especially ones that cause suffering or alter the course of life, you can feel a loss of control.

A parent dies when you’re young.
A child is born with a disability.
Your home burns to the ground in a wildfire.

Do not put away your pen. Chronicle your experience. Do not allow yourself to be defined by it. Hardship is a chapter, not the entire book.

#3: You control the narrative of difficult events

You may not be able to control what happens to you, but you can decide how you interpret it. For example, let’s say you experience the loss of a loved one at an early age. If you are defined by the event you might say, “I cannot allow myself to get close to people or they will leave me.” This narrative is a story of distant relationships and a failure to establish intimacy. An alternative narrative might be. “No guarantees for a long life, so I will make the best of my relationships while they last.” This story is one filled with close, meaningful relationships. A dark event can produce a multiple chapters of a disillusioned life. Or, it can result in chapters of recovery, meaning, and purpose. I witness couples recover from the hardship of adultery to co-author a narrative of forgiveness, restoration, and renewal of intimacy. Additionally, I see individuals escape from an abusive marriage. The horror of their story followed by chapters of survival, healing, and later discovery of love with a safe partner.

#4: Include chapters of self-discovery

Who are you? What do you like? How have you grown or changed over time? What did you learn about yourself that helps you be a better person? These are all great questions to reflect on or to write in a journal. Allow me to answer a few. I am a man of the people and get excited by empowering others. My passion is basketball and I push myself to perform at a high level at my current age. Over time, I learned to set boundaries so I have space to develop myself. Today, I continue learning to be comfortable in my own skin. What are you learning about yourself at this stage of life?

#5: Find meaning in the mundane

What gives you meaning? Can you find it in the mundane? In the movie, Family Man, Jack Campbell discovers that true meaning in life is not living isolated from others in his perfect self-crafted existence of wealth and success, but it is in changing poopy diapers, making his daughter chocolate milk and serenading his wife on her birthday. This is a great antidote to a robotic existence. The roles in life don’t have to be imposed scripts we roleplay. Instead, they can be a collection of stories about experiences with people near and dear who impact each other in positive and sometimes negative ways. Yet we work through the bad and savor the good, all the while thankful that this story feels real, and good, and just right for me.

Now it's your turn

Do you own your pen? Or, have you left your story for others to write? What's happening now in the amazing story of your life?

How to Cultivate Like-minded Love

donald — Sat, 10 Feb 2018 17:46:06 +0000

[powerpress] When I was a kid, I remember exchanging cards with classmates on Valentines Day. Everyone was your valentine! Later, when I fell in love and got married, I felt pressure like other guys to use this occasion express my heartfelt love and devotion. I remember the painstaking process choosing the perfect Hallmark card. Then there was flowers, chocolate, and dinner at a nice restaurant. Valentines Day can add to the pressure some couples already feel about their relationship. Couples living hectic lives mistakenly hope this day will magically jumpstart dormant romance. This "quick fix" attempt may last a few days, but there is a better approach. Cultivating like-minded love. The concept of like-minded love comes from my spiritual values. To set the table, let me share a passage that shapes my view on how to cultivate like-minded love with my wife, Marian.

Philippians 2:1-5 NIV If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

The love identified in this passage is unconditional. It's a love given freely. A choice to love not based on conditions—“If you do this...or meet my expectations...then I will give you my love.” Unconditional love is within the nature of God. It has no pre-conditions. This love is consistent even when we feel we don’t deserve it because of our actions. Unconditional love sees our blemishes but looks deeper within and finds intrinsic goodness trapped by shame. According to the passage, the effect of unconditional love is transformation. Self-worth blossoms. The recipient is petitioned to express unconditional love to others.

How to Cultivate Like-minded Love

Before I begin, let me clarify. The ideas I share come from my Christian orientation. Spirituality plays a powerful role in how I cultivate like-minded love in my marriage.

Allow God’s unconditional love into your life

You cannot give to your mate what you haven’t experienced yourself. God’s unconditional love forgives our failings. His love is tender and compassionate. With God's unconditional love, you can love others. I encourage you to explore your spirituality. Embrace unconditional love, grace, and tenderness—all elements of a personal relationship.

Approach your relationship with like-minded love

Give from your spiritual experience. Work on expressing unconditional love. Your spouse has faults just like you do. Your spouse also has goodness you can admire too! Expressing grace when imperfections surface is benevolent. A critical and judgmental attitude is unloving. Unconditional love toward a spouse is more likely to foster an openness to grow.

Develop an attitude of humility toward each other

Notice a warning in the passage against “selfish ambition and vain conceit”. This power-up disposition contradicts unconditional love. Like-minded love says "consider others better than yourself". What happens when both spouses take a power-down position? You have mutual care. Pride and fear are two major forces I observe that keep couples bound in polarized negativity. Conflict is expressed as a "he vs she" problem. "He never..." "She always..." Humility breaks the negative tension and conveys and openness to your partner. Conflict is understood as a "me and we" problem. "We don't communicate respectfully." "You're right, I can do a better job not interrupting you." "Thanks for admitting this, and I know I can be harsh with my words. I'll work on being softer."

Focus on the interests of your mate without losing interest in your own

Relationships become stale when couples lack things to do together. The complaint is: “We don’t like the same things, so we do our own thing.” I’m not a fan of dressage, but I go once a year with Marian to watch competition. She's not a huge sports fan but will on occasion join me at a sports bar to watch a game. Interests are not just activities. You can spend time talking:

About a book your spouse is reading
Or a hobby your spouse is working on
What’s going on in your spouse's social life with friends
Listening to work challenges or aspirations
Talking about personal or spiritual development

Like-minded love is not liking and doing the same things all the time. It is taking an interest in each other’s world and creating some space to engage it.

Be willing and ready to make sacrifices for each other

This passage closes with an admonition to have the same attitude as Christ who sacrificed himself on our behalf. Like-minded love is mutually sacrificial. It’s expressed in sacrificial acts that come when the situation calls for it. As I write my wife is sacrificing time away from me while I care for my aged mother. Friday night date nights are moved to another time so I can be with my mom. Sacrificial love is the essence of the vows we make when we marry. “In sickness..in hardship…”

Now it's your turn

Like-minded love is cultivated over the course of life together. You may be several years into your marriage without cultivating it but you can start today. You may have to remove some rocks and weeds, but unconditional love helps you begin this process. Like-minded love requires two people. One cannot do it for two. You have to do it together for it to work.

Date & Getaway Recommendations

If you live in the Chicagoland area and are looking for a great place to eat or a getaway with your spouse. Here are a couple new places Marian and I visited recently. Simply stated--AMAZING! Click the links below. Formentos Deer Path Inn

How to Stop Your Big But From Squashing Your Partner

donald — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 01:01:24 +0000

[powerpress] One of the issues Marian and I deal with from time-to-time is our big buts. No matter what we do to disguise them, our big buts have caused some problems. I mean, there have been times my big but has squashed my wife! Not good. She's done the same thing to me too! It's gets so bad, we find ourselves looking in the mirror to see what we can do to shrink them. Does your big but squash your partner? Here are a few big but squashing maneuvers I see in couple relationships.

I hear what you're saying, but...
You have a point but...
That might be true but...
Yeah, but...
I agree with you, but...

Did you know your big but can squash your partner? I see it all the time in my counseling/coaching profession. Sometimes I see it in the look in Marian's eyes. I realize I just squashed her. Do you recognize it in your spouse? It is the look of disappointment or hurt that squashes your partner after she/he says something important that you negate with your big but. The good news is you can shrink your big but! No joke. You can gain control over how you respond to your mate. Check out these 5 exercises you can do to stop your big but from squashing your partner.

Slow down your brain

Very often in a conversation with a spouse, we have a tendency to assume. Assumptions can lead you down a wrong path. I don't care how well you think you know your mate, listening through a filter of assumptions will get you into trouble almost every time. I recommend you slow your brain down and simply focus on your partner. You can do this by taking a few deep breaths. This will lower stress and defensive mechanisms. Next, quietly remind yourself to be patient and give consideration to your spouse's right to be heard. Look her/him in the eye as a show of respect. This act in and of itself will disarm any tension that may be present.

Activate your ears

Ears that understand are important in a quality conversation. You have to activate them to listen. I don't mean hear. I mean listen. Hearing is sound. Listening is concentrating with the intent to understand. Activate your ears with a question. "What is my spouse/partner trying to say to me?" Pay attention to thoughts and feelings. This is the subjective experience or view your spouse brings to you. This is important stuff! [Tweet "Ears that understand are important in a quality conversation. You have to activate them to listen."]

Open your mind

Remember what I said earlier about assuming? Opening your mind keeps assumptions from leading you down a wrong path. So often I observe couples heading down a rabbit trail because a spouse used a filter of assumption to listen. This can derail conversation rather quickly. I suggest you open your mind to consider what your mate is saying from his/her perspective. You do this by reflecting on the thoughts and feelings shared. Listen closely and think with an open mind.

Measure your words

This is when you finally respond to your partner. You do not want to expose your big but! Trust me, it will squash her/him. Instead, you want to measure your words with a technique in communication called "validation". You can learn more about validation in my previous blog. Validation is an "extended play" of conveying understanding to your mate. When I was a kid, songs had two versions. One was "short play", the other, an "extended play" was longer. I recommend an extended play when you validate your spouse. Let me illustrate the difference between "short play" and "long play". Short play - "I understand you are angry at me for staying out too late but I'm an adult and can take care of myself." Extended play - "I understand you are angry at me for staying out too late. I also hear you saying that you were worried something happened. You would have preferred that I called to let you know I was staying out longer. I get that." Notice that the extended play validated her feelings and concerns. The big but did not squash her. She felt validated.

Share your perspective

After you slow things down, listen well, open your mind, and validate, then you are ready to share your perspective. The big but is successfully shrunk. You can now share where you are coming from on the matter. To illustrate, let's look again at the previous illustration. Validation - "I understand you are angry at me for staying out too late. I also hear you saying that you were worried something happened. You would have preferred that I called to let you know I was staying out longer. I get that." Perspective - "I want you to know that I had a great time and did not act foolishly. The truth is I wasn't paying attention to the clock and didn't think about calling. My mistake. Next time, I'll give you a heads up if I plan to stay out longer, so you don't have to worry. I don't want you to have to feel anxious or be out of the loop." Validating the other person's feelings and clarifying what happened avoids the squash of a big but.

Now it's your turn

Does your big but get in the way? What do you think you need to work on to keep your partner from being squashed? Feel free to leave your comments below or post them on my social media sites. [mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/timeline/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" google_plus="https://plus.google.com/u/1/102055073409420077319/posts" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/public-profile-settings?trk=prof-edit-edit-public_profile"]

After Years of Unhappiness Can Couples Change?

donald — Sat, 17 Mar 2018 06:28:40 +0000

[powerpress] [vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]After years of unhappiness, can couples change? Before I answer the question above, let me pose another. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? The answer? One--but the lightbulb has to want to change. While we chuckle at the joke, there is some truth in the statement. As a couples therapist I find this to be true. After years of unhappiness couples can change. I see it often. It is a beautiful thing to behold. In fact, some who subscribe to my blog are "proof in the pudding". The difference in these couples is what I call the "mutuality factor". They make a mutual agreement to try together. It is not one doing the work of two. Both partners have two feet in. So what does it take for unhappy couples to change? Here are five things it takes that I see couples do.

#1 It takes some shared humility and forgiveness

Unhappy couples get tired of fighting and being isolated while living in the same house. Some split up. The couples who do not want to divorce have a choice. They can co-exist in their unhappiness or they can choose to be happy again together. The couples who choose to change, symbolically wave a white flag and surrender to each other. This is an act of shared humility. They stop pointing fingers and start owning up to their end of the problem. The act of forgiveness permeates interactions. "I am really sorry" is not a bandaid, but a balm over a wound once previously ignored.

#2: It takes some dismantling of walls

In unhappy marriages, walls are carefully constructed to protect a wounded heart from future pain. When couples agree to change together, walls are dismantled brick by brick. You see, when humility and forgiveness sets the tone of interaction, healing can take place. Safety and trust resurface. The relationship feels less threatening. Walls lose their purpose. One of the most difficult walls to dismantle is resentment. This one takes years to construct and is effective in maintaining a safe distance. Be that as it may, if you plan to be happy together again, you will have to bring down this wall. If your spouse has a wall of resentment be mindful of how you interact. You have some repairing work before you.

#3: It takes some showing of respect

A pattern of mutual respect in a relationship opens the door of endless possibilities. Respect of equal power is of utmost importance. Any form of control is disrespectful to a spouse. If you have a controlling nature, you will have to work hard on changing it. Respect is shown by affirming your spouse's right to think, feel, speak, and act for herself/himself. Judging, correcting, dismissing, or shaming a spouse is harmful and in some cases abusive. If you want respect in your marriage be open and willing to listen to each other. When you speak, convey your words with respect for your mate.

#4: It takes some persistence in effort

Fear and pride stand in the way of a better life. They make change seem so hard, when in fact it's not that difficult. Couples who make the change after years of unhappiness muster the courage. They agree to keep doing things like showing respect, keeping attitudes in check, and being patient with each other. They don't give up too quickly. Instead, they get back on the rails and stay the course.

#5: It takes some investment in "good times" together

Couples who are tired of fighting get rejuvenated by good times together. Rediscovery is a big part of the change that is happening. I hear this a lot from the couples I work with. Getting away for a trip, weekender, or fun activity can kickstart the motor. It is fascinating to me how many couples get reconnected by travel. It seems that getting away from the familiar environment and pressures allows couples to relax and focus on good times together. Often I hear couples say that they feel young again. So, if you want to change together, be sure you incorporate opportunities for good times together in your calendar.

Now it's your turn

After years together, are you an unhappy couple? Do you think you are both willing to work on changing things so you can be happy? I have shared 5 ways you can do it. Where will you start? If you'd like help getting on track, feel free to reach out to me on my contact page. I offer couples counseling and coaching depending on your needs. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][mk_social_networks size="large" style="rounded" margin="4" icon_color="#dd3333" align="left" facebook="https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/?ref=hl" twitter="https://twitter.com/DonOlund" pinterest="https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/" linkedin="https://www.linkedin.com/profile/public-profile-settings?trk=prof-edit-edit-public_profile"][/vc_column][/vc_row]

5 Habits of a Power Couple

donald — Sat, 10 Mar 2018 02:25:34 +0000

[powerpress] Are you a power couple? Do you even know what that question means? Hollywood carefully crafted it's definition featuring their poster couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, until they broke up. Currently, Tom Brady (football) and Gisele Bünchen (fashion) rank high among power couples. If you want to toss politics in the mix, a power couple whose ambition was to share presidential fame, Bill and Hilary Clinton fit the bill. Hilary lost in 2016 to Donald Trump. His daughter Ivanka and husband Jared Kushner are considered a power couple in business, and more recently politics. So, before you attempt to answer the question, let's see how dictionaries define a power couple. First, the Oxford Dictionary:

A couple consisting of two people who are each influential or successful in their own right.

Second, the Urban Dictionary:

A relationship between two people who are equally as cool as each other.

Do either of these definitions fit your imagery of a power couple? In my practice, I work with couples who fit the definitions above. They are movers and shakers in their respective professions. And yes, they are equally cool as each other! But does this make them a power couple at home where it really counts? Power dynamics in couple relationships is a fascinating study. I educate couples on the flow of power, including the importance of regulating it in marriage. Healthy couples respect the flow of power in their relationship. Here are my 5 habits of a power couple. As you read, ask yourself, "Do we possess this habit in our relationship?" [Tweet "Healthy couples respect the flow of power in their relationship."]

Habit #1: Power couples respect each other's right to speak and be understood

You have a voice. So does your mate. Do you make the effort to really listen to each other? Power couples do. They will slow down important conversations to give equal opportunity to speak and be heard. Listening to understand regulates the flow of power. They are not quick to add, "yeah but...". Instead, a curiosity question may follow--"What do you need me to understand right now?" The interaction slows to a pace that promotes self-expression, an act of mutual respect.

Habit #2: Power couples give each other space to grow

Personal growth is a lifelong process. You need to establish space in your relationship to foster this. Power couples balance independence with interdependence. They support each other's interest in personal pursuits: exercise, hobbies, friendships, and educational interests, to name a few. Yet, they also work diligently to meet the needs of the relationship. Again, it is a balance they strive to maintain, so they talk about it regularly.

Habit #3: Power couples influence each other carefully

"You complete me" was Jerry Maguire's declaration to his estranged wife Dorothy. She brought something to their marriage he did not possess on his own. Power couples get this. They acknowledge the unique qualities, intelligence, and experience each other brings to the relationship. Furthermore, they allow this power to flow as a form of influence that improves the quality of life together. Think about it. Each of you brings something unique to your relationship. Once Marian and I understood this, we opened up to what each other brings to our marriage. I admire her intuition. She values my reasoning capabilities.

Habit #4: Power couples regulate the temperature of their relationship

Relationships have an internal thermostat that regulates temperature. Power couples adjust the temperature according to the immediate need. If they are in a passionate mood they may heat things up. When an argument builds, they will cool it down. In general, power couples keep the temperature comfortable for both. Regulating temperature requires cooperation by both individuals. Power couples understand and use good communication skills to accomplish this. Over time, Marian and I have developed "code language" to help us regulate temperature in an argument. We send messages to each other about spending time together or cues for sex. Trust me, we are not perfect in execution, but it does make a huge difference.

Habit #5: Power couples integrate divine power

By and large, couples who have a shared spirituality exhibit the most dynamic power. I see this repeatedly in my professional work. Personally, I find this habit to be the most unifying element in our marriage. When we engage in spiritual dialog or worship together in church, Marian and I feel an impenetrable bond. It's as if we tap into a power that surpasses our human limitations. I find couples who integrate spiritual values experience a unique dimension of power. They are exposed to concepts of unconditional love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness. As these virtues are woven into the fabric of the relationship, couples experience a power that can endure just about anything they encounter. Furthermore, their shared spirituality provides a barrier from some of the common threats endangering marriages. It doesn't make them immune, but it does help them to develop healthy habits.

Now it's your turn

So there you have it: 5 habits of a power couple. Does this in some way define your marriage? Is anything missing from the list of 5? How do you fare in giving your mate freedom to express her/his power? I'd like to hear your comments or ideas in the section below or on one of my social media sites.

How to respond when your woman is becoming emotional

donald — Sat, 05 May 2018 15:26:43 +0000

[powerpress] Most guys don't know how to respond when their woman becomes emotional. It reminds me of a classic scene from the movie, "A League of Their Own".

“There’s no crying in baseball!”

In the movie, Tom Hanks plays a drunken, worn out manager of an all women baseball league. He does the typical angry manager reaction to a player who made a terrible play in the outfield. The problem is, she is a female who doesn’t respond well to in-your-face screaming. Her reaction is an outburst in tears, to which the manager reacts with a loud declaration (in red).

Men don't respond well to female emotions

Men do not know how to respond when women cry. Sometimes they react. “What’s your problem?” “Will you stop with the tears!” “Oh, here you go again…” “I can’t believe you're crying over this.” Some guys disengage, or have the “deer in headlights” look. Bottom line guys--none of these work for the woman in your life. What’s the problem with men? Do they lack a sensitivity chip? Do they care about a woman’s feelings? Are they afraid of weaker emotions?

The root of a man's problem

It’s not a difference male vs female “wiring”. Actually, it’s a difference in male vs female “rearing”. Sadness, fear, loneliness, are softer emotions often expressed by women through tears--crying. Guys are raised to avoid the softer/weaker emotions. “Big boys don’t cry!” This is a rule drilled into the minds of young boys as a means to socially engineer us for the expectations of manhood--to protect and provide--to conquer and achieve. “There’s no crying in manhood.” This places men at a disadvantage when it comes to forming deep, meaningful connections with women. In the early phase of romance guys are actually pretty good at expressing and responding to emotions. I think it is connected to the activation of the primal hunt to capture the woman. Most men are good in the short term in being emotionally available. Once they capture the woman, guys shift back to being guys. This is very confusing for women. “What happened to the sensitive and romantic guy who swept me off my feet?”

Men do care, they just show it different

Women look for emotional empathy and support. Guys are more likely to respond with cognitive (rational) empathy. In other words, they are going to try to fix the problem of crying. So your guy may try to get you to stop crying by saying, “It’s not necessary to get emotional.” Or he may try to do something for you or distract you from your emotions. His intentions are caring, but his approach doesn't work. He can come across as being totally insensitive. Actually, he is doing what he has been reared to do--avoid weaker emotions. This is not an excuse, it's an explanation. A man can learn how to respond when his woman becomes emotional. It’s not like we are ruined by how we were raised. Emotions are not categorized by male vs female. Emotions are human--guys are human--so these emotions are down there somewhere. They just need to be activated. For now, let’s just focus on how a guy can respond to his woman. Allow me to give our male readers a few tips on what to do when your woman becomes emotional.

How to respond when your woman becomes emotional

I often hear guys make excuses. "I can't respond the way she wants. I'm not wired like that!" Again, this is not about how you're wired, it's about how you were raised. You can learn how to respond when your woman becomes emotional. It's not rocket science. Let's break it down to 5 simple steps.

Start by normalizing her crying

You must start by normalizing crying. It is simply an emotional response that needs a release point. She needs you to be with her, not fix her.

Don't overreact to what you think is an overreaction

This is not a time to judge tears. Avoid saying things to stop the crying. It won't work. In fact, it will make her cry even more. Sadness mixed with anger toward you will make the situation worse. Don't go there!

Take a couple of deep breaths to find your calm

A few deep breaths synchronizes your mind and body in a calm and relaxful state, perfectly suitable to the situation. Your calm will be soothing to her emotions. You will come across strong and steady enough to help her process through her feelings and find her calm.

Validate her emotions

Validate her sadness. “I can see you’re upset.” Signal to your woman that it is okay to feel emotional. Tell her it is okay to cry.

Move toward your woman and hold her

Tender, physical touch is crucial to emotional release. Most women respond positively to this approach. If you are not sure, ask your woman if you can put your arm around her. Hold her until she let’s it out. If you use this approach, the crying will likely end soon because you have adopted a non-judgmental, calm and compassionate posture.

Receive your manly award

Men who handle women who cry get awards. Sensitive man award - awarded to the guy who can tune into female emotions. Strong man award - awarded to the guy who demonstrates strength in the midst of female emotional turmoil. Safety man award - awarded to the guy who holds his girl while she cries and makes her feel safe. Sexy man award - awarded to the guy who can balance being a “man’s man” and “his lady’s man”.

Now it's your turn

So, how do you respond when your woman becomes emotional? Perhaps you have a tip or two you can share with us that we can add to the list. Feel free to leave a comment below or on one of my social media sites.

How to Maintain Self-respect in Your Relationships

donald — Sun, 18 Feb 2018 03:23:50 +0000

[powerpress] Heidi lays alone in her bed completely exhausted. Her pillow drenched in tears. Curled up in a fetal position, she whispers, "I'm tired of being taken advantage of by people I care for." The consummate giver, Heidi goes the extra mile in her marriage, with her kids, and for her boss. What does she get in return? More requests, demands, and complaints, with little appreciation or support. Years of this pattern has taken a toll. Heidi feels disrespected by the people she relies on for support. Resentment builds. So does feelings of loneliness and a wish to escape. Heidi is vulnerable. Enter Tom, a guy she met at spin class. He is impressed by Heidi's aggressive workout and commitment to give her best. Heidi likes the attention and positive comments, something her husband Kevin doesn't give. Conversations over coffee, lead to lunch, and eventually to a brief affair. It ended when Tom lost interest. Lying in bed, Heidi ponders how she ended up here. Empty. Lost. Disconnected from herself, she wonders, "How did I lose my self-respect?" Was it the affair? Probably not. I'd say it began long before when Heidi lost connection with herself. A disconnect with yourself is a telltale sign you lack self-respect. Life out-of-balance. Perhaps, like Heidi you have not tended to your own needs. Nor have you been clear setting limits with others. Respect from others begins with self-respect. Here are four ways you can maintain self-respect in your relationships. [Tweet "Respect from others begins with self-respect."]

#1: Establish time to take care of yourself

Heidi spent all of her time taking care of others. She spared very little time for herself. Consequently, her tank was half-full. No wonder she was stressed out and exhausted most days. Later, when she finally started working out, Heidi was way out-of-balance. To maintain self-respect in your relationships it is important that you take care of yourself. It's time to invest in you. Doing things that fill your tank is self-gratifying. It increases a positive mental attitude and brings the best version of yourself to others.

#2: Set boundaries with others

When it came to setting boundaries with others, Heidi struggled in two areas. First, she was not firm in her expectations of others. Secondly, Heidi tolerated disrespect. If you are taking good care of yourself it is easier to set boundaries with others. Self-respect is a disposition that commands respect. People become alert to your power. How? It happens when you use your voice. I'm referring to being assertive in a respectful but firm manner on how you expect to be treated. "No" is a good boundary to start using. A polite, firm "no" is your way of saying to people that you have limits.

#3: Find a place where you have freedom to express yourself

Heidi did not find a place where she could be free from expectations of others. She needed a place to find her voice, a place to express herself. Later, she found it by seeking counseling. I find my place in some unlikely forms. For example, I belong to a group of fellow business owners who meet monthly to support each other in our personal and professional lives. I can open up and be vulnerable with a group of men who listen and support. This may sound weird, but I also find the basketball court to be a place of freedom. I enjoy the challenge of competition and the banter I share with the guys. On the court I can be comical and motivational. I can also hold my ground with the alphas in the group. Do you have a place to feel free just to be yourself? If not, I encourage to find it.

#4: Satisfy your need for connection

Heidi lacked meaningful connection in her life. Her husband and kids were takers not givers. When she sought it in an affair, it left her feeling more empty. We are hardwired to connect with others. Maslow describes it as a basic need for belonging. Deep within we hunger for deep meaningful relationships. Busyness robs us of connection. Electronic devices fills the empty space. The most important place for connection is at home. Set this expectation with your family. Create time to connect without media. Play a board game. Go on an adventure walk. Have a nerf gun battle. Go through picture albums together. Do a puzzle. Cuddle in front of the fireplace.

Now it's your turn

Think about the four ways. Which one do you need to focus on the most? What's your plan to begin today? To learn more about this topic and how Heidi found respect in her personal life, marriage, and family, read my book: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict

Why Marriages Struggle: getting to the heart of the problem

donald — Sat, 24 Feb 2018 13:39:38 +0000

[powerpress] Do you want to get at the heart of the problem why couples struggle? Let's figure it out and see if we can find a way to help couples soar. Ask the average couple the question, “Why does your marriage struggle?” You might hear… “We don’t know how to communicate” “It seems we fight all the time” “We never spend time together” “When we do talk we can’t agree on anything” “We don’t have romance” These answers seem plausible, but perhaps they are symptoms of a deeper problem. So, let’s get to the heart of the matter okay? You see, your heart matters. So does your mate. Some couples lose sight of taking care of each other's heart. Think back to when you fell in love. Perhaps like others, you felt a strong romantic connection. You had a lot of fun and could talk for hours. The bond you shared met a basic human need identified for love and belonging Marriages struggle when couples stop caring for each other's heart. Neglect is a subtle pattern that forms early in relationships once couples get involved in the tasks of raising a family. A marriage cannot tolerate this too long before other patterns emerge. Conflict, emotional distancing, and over-focusing on work, kids and household tasks can push couples further apart. Once a safe haven, marriage feels more like a battleground. The longer couples go without tending to the heart of the marriage, the more they struggle with each other. To break this pattern, it is important to get back to the heart of the problem. You must come together and tend to the heart of the marriage. Here are 3 simple ways you can do this.

Tune into the heart of your spouse

When you're struggling in marriage it is easy to complain about your spouse. You may have compiled a list of complaints and feel justifiably distant. But where does that get you? Do you know what is going on in the heart of your mate? It could be one or more of the following:

Worries about one of the kids
Pressures on the job
Aging parent
Health concerns
Disappointments in friendship

In order to “tune in” you have to “tune out” whatever else is going on in the moment.

Put down the cell phone
Let your guard down and listen
Try your best to understand
Validate
Give a word of affirmation or compliment
Do something thoughtful or caring (card, gift massage, draw a bath, etc…)

“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” Mark Twain

Open up your heart to your spouse

This is something women find easier to do than men. Be that as it may, it is important for both partners to work on. Guys often compartmentalize problems and do not think about opening up. Men don’t want to burden a spouse. Some think it is a sign of weakness and should be able to solve problems on their own. Men fail to understand that women want them to open up. It’s not a sign of weakness. Opening up your heart is really a strength in the eyes of most women. One of our biggest struggles is not knowing what to do with our emotions so men tend to suppress them. The problem is they leak out in other ways. A spouse will be less critical or make wrong assumptions when they get a sense of what is really going on in your heart. They are likely to be more compassionate and supportive if they understand what you’re going through.

Tend to the heart of the marriage in simple ways

Think in terms of three hearts: yours, your spouse’s, and your marriage. Both of you bear the responsibility of caring for the heart of your marriage. Think of one thing you can do today for your marriage. Here are some simple ideas to tend to the heart of your marriage:

Express “I love you” in the beginning, middle, and end of every day.
Surprise your spouse with a sentiment. A card with their cup of coffee.
Compliment, compliment, compliment!
Call or text each other during the day with a simple check-in.
Go on a well-deserved date.
Take a few minutes every day to decompress together.

Stop the struggling

If you’re turning on your heart and tuning into the heart of your spouse, you can establish a rhythm of caring for the heart of your marriage together. “The real act of marriage takes place in the heart—not the ballroom, or church, or synagogue. It’s a choice you make not just on your wedding day, but over and over again, and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.” Barbara DeAngelis

Social Media's Effect on Adolescent Mental Health

donald — Sat, 03 Mar 2018 14:27:17 +0000

[powerpress] Are you worried about your kids' obsession with their smart phone? Do you know what social media platforms they spend time on? Are you noticing any mood, emotional, or behavior signs that indicate they seem unhappy? A few days ago I read an oped in USA Today from a doctor who wrote about a disturbing increase in female adolescent patients cutting (a form of self-mutilation). While it saddened me, I wasn't surprised. Recent research in mental health indicates an increase in mental health problems among children and adolescents.

Mental health problems among adolescents is increasing at an alarming rate!

While a decrease in some at-risk behaviors is associated with adolescent use of social media, an increase in mental illness is particularly concerning. Here are some findings in a couple of articles on the subject. Psychology Today - It’s Complicated: Teens, Social Media and Mental Health (Sept 2017), Erin & David Walsh - Smart Parenting, Smarter Kids

Heaviest social media users experience the greatest amount of anxiety (FOMO - fear of missing out)
Young people report social media (sm) helps them feel connected with family and friends.
One out of five teens feel worse about their life based on what they see on social media.
Passive scanning of people who appear happy or successful can increase feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety.

Child Mind Institute - Smartphones and Social Media

Teens/young adults 16-24 yrs old are the most intense users of social media (90% use internet for social networking).
Overuse has negative impact on self-esteem, life satisfaction, and increases mental health problems (anxiety, depression, suicidality).
“Likes” activate the brain’s reward system.
Social media has resulted in a decrease in risky behaviors (drinking, illicit drug use, car accidents, teen birth rates).
Less than an hour of gaming can have positive mental health effects.
8th graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on sm are 56% more likely to report being unhappy, than those who spend less time.
Heavy users of sm increase their risk of depression by 27%.
YouTube is viewed as a positive force, but Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram increase feelings of anxiety as reported by teens.
Lack of sleep due to late night sm engagement has effect on mental health:
- Lack of sleep negatively affects, mood, ability to regulate emotions, cognitive processing, ability to react or get along with adults.
- Teens who do not sleep enough are more than twice likely to report higher levels of depression (31% vs 12%)
- Teens who sleep less than 7 hours a night are also 68% more likely to have at least one risk for suicide.
Negative impact of social media in girls vs boys
- 22% of girls vs 10% of boys reported being cyberbullied in the last year.
- Boys depression increased by 21% vs girls 50% between 2012-2015*

*Note in particular how social media has a greater negative effect on girls versus boys.

Mental health begins in the home

Let's examine how you can foster mental health in your family.

#1: Take time an reflect on the positive and negative effect electronic devices are having in your family

What are some positive uses of electronic devices in your family? Do any of these apply?

Helps us to stay connected and/or communicate during the day.
Ability to monitor the kids whereabouts.
Marking moments of shared family experiences.

Now, what about the negative effect? Notice any of these patterns?

Devices become a barrier to connect when we are at home together.
Withdrawal patterns in kids.
Signs of mental health problems emerging.

#2: Examine your relationship with electronic devices

Before you assess your kids, what about you? Think about what you model in the home as you answer these questions:

How often are you on your devices around your family?
Do you rely on devices to keep your kids occupied when your busy?
How consistent are you on restricting your kids' time on devices?
Does change need to begin with you? If so, what change?

#3: Look for signs that devices and social media are having a negative impact on your kids

Did you notice anything in the research that concerns you about your kid? Is your child or teen overly attached to their device? Any changes in mood, emotional stability, self-esteem, or social connections? Now, if you see a negative behavioral pattern, it is time to talk to your kid. “Be calm” and talk about what you observe and ask some non-judgmental, inquistional curiosity questions.

“You seem down lately, care to talk about it?”
“You have not been yourself. Let’s talk. I’m all ears.”

Here is an excellent cartoon from a New York City mental health course that illustrates how to do this with your kid.

#4: Introduce new family patterns to increase mental health in your home

How do you do this? Here are 10 suggestions to get you started:

Start by bringing the best version of your self out of the bedroom in the morning. Set your brain right. Think positive. Establish morning routines that put you in a positive mood.
Do not allow the negative mood of others to set the tone. Maintain your positive attitude, they will eventually follow.
If you have mental health problems address them. Remember, mental health in the home begins with you!
If your kid/teen has a mental health problem get them some help.
Establish device free or unplugged time in your home to allow you time to connect face-to-face. Morning and evening times are a good place to start
Set at least one segmented time a week for family fun and everyone is required to participate.
Establish boundaries on disrespect in the home. Promote healthier ways to work through conflict.
Have one-on-one time with your kids on a regular basis.
Give your kids chores.
If your home is chaotic do family counseling to get everyone on track together.

#5: Establish rules of engagement in your home about devices

To get help on establishing rules, check out my blog and podcast, “How to Outsmart Your Kid’s Obsession with Smartphones”

5 Things to Consider Before You Enter an Affair

donald — Sat, 14 Apr 2018 00:52:10 +0000

[powerpress] About 3 years ago an unmasking happened that rocked marriages. Someone hacked into Ashley Madison’s 37 million subscriber database exposing the identities of individuals seeking an affair. AM’s motto: “Life is short. Have an affair.” Karma struck. The business had a short shelf life. Beyond the breach, AM allegedly used fembots to interact with many male clients. Sadly, life is indeed short for some who were exposed.

A few committed suicide.
Marriages and families were torn apart by the Ashley Madison revelation.
Even the owner, Noel Biderman was discovered to have multiple affairs.

If you have been wounded by the exposure of an affair, my heart goes out to you. Ashley Madison’s advice: life is short, have an affair sounds rather hollow now doesn’t it? The reality is, life is hard after an affair. May I offer some sound advice from my work with individuals or couples rocked by the discovery of an affair? Here are 5 things to consider before you enter an affair.

#1: The Adventure Is Not Worth The Risk

The sense of intrigue and adventure is a lure for individuals whose relationships are lackluster. Attention from a coworker, neighbor, Facebook friend, a bartender or Starbucks Barista may be all it takes. Sexual attraction activates powerful sensual receptors in the brain. The rational part of the brain is in danger of being hijacked by the sexual impulses. Herein lays the risk. No matter what you do to keep the adventure covert, a risk of exposure always exists. The damage following discovery is heavy.

People you care about are hurt.
Reputation is ruined.
Future is bleak.
Life is hard for everyone impacted

Knowing this, ask yourself this question? Is the adventure worth the risk?

#2: Hiding An Affair Is Not As Easy As It Seems

Ask the millions of subscribers to Ashley Madison! Nor is it easy for anyone else. Some people get careless in affairs. Phone records provide evidence, as do text messages, emails, or other forms of social media. Subtle changes in behavior, allocation of time, or other nuances can signal something to a spouse or partner. There is also the risk of the affair partner getting caught by being careless. Before long, the thrill of adventure shifts to a tone of anxiety about potential exposure and the ramifications that follow. Managing an affair under the threatening cloud of exposure is not easy. It’s like living in an inter dimensional reality.

You live in one primary world with a set of expectations.
You escape into another world with developing set of expectations the longer you are in it.

The affair is no longer an escape from reality. It is a reality with a new set of problems.

#3: You may compromise core values

I use the word “may” here because not all people value monogamy in marriage. Some people do not consider it a violation of marital vows to seek sex outside marriage. Be that as it may, the majority of couples value monogamy and consider it a grave offense to discover a partner involved in an affair. Values of fidelity, honesty, and integrity meld relationships in a sacred bond that ensures security. Advancing an affair may take you into territory you know goes against your core values. You will likely be wrapped up in an internal battle of self-gratification and guilt. You are not congruent in your beliefs and actions. No matter what you do to justify your actions, a simple glance in the mirror signals you that you have lost your way.

#4: A Safer Approach is to Confront The Problems In Your Marriage

In my work with couples, I have found that several factors contribute to the risk of an affair. I won’t go into them here. Suffice it to say there are five dynamics I see that elevate risk.

Risk of an affair is increased in relationships where couples do not invest regularly in their marriage.
Risk of an affair is increased in relationships where emotional distance is a pattern.
Risk of an affair is high in relationships that lack intimacy.
Risk of an affair is high in relationships where couples do not confront their problems.
Risk of an affair is high in relationships where a partner ignores a problem addressed by his/her spouse.

#5: If Marital Issues Are Unresolvable Bring A Respectful End to the Relationship

It takes two people working together to resolve marital issues. You are responsible to do your part. You cannot do the work of two. If your mate is unwilling to make the changes necessary to repair the relationship then you have a decision to make. You can stay in a lifeless marriage. You can respectfully end the relationship. After you end, and take sufficient time to heal and grow, you are free to pursue a relationship that aligns with your values and expectations. An affair is not the solution to a dead marriage. Leave gracefully. Maintain your dignity. In time you will find what you’re looking for.

5 Easy Steps to Enforce Consequences

donald — Sat, 28 Apr 2018 15:12:26 +0000

[powerpress] A 16 year old client plops on my couch, noticeably angry. He informs me that his parents tried to do an “intervention” on him after a discovery of weed in his bedroom. He concluded the episode by saying, “The intervention was a waste of my time.” Then he looks me straight in the eye and says, “When I have kids, I’m not going to raise them like my parents do.” “What do you mean?” I ask. “They should’ve kicked my ass along time ago.” “Are you saying they should have hit you?” I ask. “No, I mean they never took control, never enforced the rules. When I have kids I’m going to enforce consequences.” There you have it, straight from a teen’s mouth. He’s not the first kid, nor the last who told me they wish their parents were more strict. Follow through on consequences ranks high on the mistakes parents make in shaping respectful behavior in their kids. It seems both parents and teens agree it’s important. Neither of them like the act. Parents don’t like delivering consequences. Kids don’t like receiving them. Yet again, they both know enforced consequences are important in parenting.

#1: Remember enforcing consequences is in the best interest of your kids

Basic rules that govern respect in the home establish security and harmony. Consequences for misbehavior serve to promote positive behavior. Kids want parents to lead. They want us to model love and respect. Kids also want parents to make the home safe and loving. Throughout their development toward independence, kids will test rules. If parents don’t enforce consequences on a consistent basis, their leadership in the home is compromised. Kids will take control over their parents with demanding and disrespectful behavior. This is not in the best interest of your kids. Love and limits is what they need.

#2: Get over your fear and get a grip on your guilt

Fear of damaging kids’ self-identity is common among parents. They also worry their kids won’t like them. This is irrational fear. If you want fear to be a motivator, imagine what your kid will be like if you don’t enforce consequences. That’s pretty scary. Just ask my 16 year-old client! Guilt is another emotion that gets in the way. In dual career homes, parents often feel guilty they are not spending enough time with their kids. They want quality time to connect. They don’t want to be doling out consequences. Parents today over-focus on giving their kids what they need to engage in sports or the arts, etc… They avoid giving their kids what they need to shape appropriate behavior. Because kids are accustomed to instant gratification, the power struggle over consequences is a battle weary parents tend to avoid. To be an effective parent, get over fear and guilt. This cannot drive your parenting style. It impedes your child’s development. Remember what is in the best interest of your child: love and limits. If they cross the line by breaking a rule, it’s time for you to step in and enforce a consequence.

#3: Keep calm in your delivery of consequences

Emotions like fear, guilt or anger can amp up on you real quick when your kid misbehaves or challenges you. This is a time to manage emotional intensity. Get a grip on your emotions. Go calm. Think about work or other social environment when an intense situation required a cool head to deal with it. You know how to do this. Now, replicate the technique at home.

Take deep breaths.
Mentally rehearse - "Consequences are in my child's best interest."
Think about how to deliver it swiftly and respectfully.

#4: Avoid getting into a debate over the consequences

Children begin exhibiting oppositional behavior in toddlerhood. It’s a normal process of practicing independence. Children will protest when you enforce a consequence, like taking away a toy. Kids will protest or bait you into a debate over consequences. They are challenging your leadership and attempting to strip you of your power. Do not get into a debate. You are the leader and enforcer of consequences. Your goal is compliance, not compromise. Here is where many parents fail. Kids push the guilt and fear buttons in an aim to wiggle out of consequences. Don’t get baited into a debate.

#5: Hold your position until the time of the consequence is up

When we were kids my parents would sometimes ground us for what sounded like ridiculous sentences. “You’re grounded for a year!” One of my favorites, “You’re grounded for the rest of your life!” Obviously, they didn’t follow through on these. But when we were grounded for a week, you betch ya! They held their position! I find a 24 hour consequence is sufficient for most offenses. It’s a position that is not difficult to hold and also gets the job done. For your kid, losing an electronic device for a day can feel like a year! Don’t allow them to talk you out of the consequence because they were acting nice for the last hour. Hold your position. If you are open to a compromise due to unique circumstances, make them do something to earn it, like cleaning the kitchen, or something with some hard labor. The aim here is for them to feel some restriction or earn through work an early release. The goal is for them to learn from the consequence to change a negative behavior and adopt a positive one.

1 Thing That Sets Connected Couples Apart

donald — Sat, 12 May 2018 18:12:06 +0000

[powerpress] What is the one thing that sets connected couples apart from others? It’s not just what they do per se. We’ve covered that in previous blogs. Things like:

good communication
mutual support
respect
date nights
teamwork

There is something unique about connected couples. It’s how they are toward each other. The one thing that sets connected couples apart is vulnerability. They are vulnerable with each other. When vulnerability is expressed by one, it is met with respect and compassion by the other. Take another look at the picture above. This is what connected couples do. Yes, guys too. Vulnerability breathes love and belongingness. It connects couples on a deeper level because it supports the free expression of self. Vulnerability is a pathway to mutual happiness.

Why is it so difficult to be vulnerable?

Here are three common barriers to vulnerability between couples.

Pride - I don’t want to be seen as weak or imperfect
Shame - you might not like me or judge me
Fear - you might reject me or punish me

What do most people do about vulnerability?

Suppress it - push feelings down, avoid expressing themselves
Reject it - I will feel worse. It won’t work. I will be judged.
Numb it - Brene Brown in a Ted Talk about the subject noted that addiction is a common way we numb unpleasant feelings.

Vulnerability is not easy for emotionally distant couples

They don’t feel safe
They don’t trust their partner
They don’t think it will make a difference

How to Cultivate Vulnerability

Couples become vulnerable with each other in early romance. They have no problem opening up with each other. Sadly, many couples stop doing this when they settle into the relationship. Married couples spend most of their time working, raising kids, and doing household tasks. Little time is invested in the relationship. Because the majority of their interactions are about tasks, they fight more than they love. Emotional distance sets in. Suffice it to say, it's not easy to be vulnerable with each other. Here are 5 ways to cultivate vulnerability.

Find a safe place to practice vulnerability

Couples counseling is one of the best settings for couples. A counselor can establish a safe setting for couples to open up and share their hearts. Here's another idea. Watch heart-warming movies together and talk about your reaction to the characters. Or try joining a small group that fosters close connections. You can practice opening up in a trusted group. You can also practice vulnerability by opening up to close friends you trust to protect your privacy.

Summon your courage to be real

Fear and shame inhibit vulnerability. Courage will help you break through these barriers. Find your center and be real. Don’t hold back. Be true to your real self. Some people are afraid to open up because they don't want to appear weak or be imperfect. Perfection is an illusion. Authenticity is what connects people.

Speak your truth with respect

The “keeping it real” notion of speaking the brutal truth is not effective. Vulnerability has a tone of respect. If you need to tell your spouse or partner how you feel in the relationship, convey your truth with respect.

Listen with an open mind

Defensiveness is counterproductive to vulnerability. It will cause your partner to shut down right away. Try to understand your partner. Ask curiosity questions to deepen your understanding.

Validate the vulnerability

The perfect pairing for vulnerability is validation. It conveys an understanding of your partner and makes him or her feel supported. When you spouse is opening up to you, don't judge or try to fix them. Simply listen and make them feel good about being vulnerable with you.

Now it's Your Turn

How long has it been since you were vulnerable with each other? What can you do differently to make it easier for your partner to open up?

5 Do's and Don'ts of Couple Communication

donald — Sat, 19 May 2018 14:12:50 +0000

[powerpress] When it comes to couple communication, here’s a request I get a lot. “Help us learn how to communicate right!” Sadly, many of the couples asking the question have been married for several years!By then they developed some awful patterns of communicating. In this lesson, I will address these common mistakes so you can avoid them as you are starting out. Did you know that the number one reason why couples seek counseling is because they do not know how to communicate? So, let’s look at the do’s and don’ts of couple communication.

#1: Don’t make assumptions about your spouse

Here are two major assumptions couples make that can derail communication quickly:

My spouse should know what I need
I know what my spouse is thinking

Let’s start with the first assumption: “If spouse loves me, he/she should know what I need..” One major faux pas in couple communication is assuming your partner knows what you need when you need it. The mistaken belief is that couples in love are always tuned in at a deeper level. The reality is that your spouse is not going to be tuned into you 24/7. Another major faux pas is when couples make assumptions about what each other is thinking without checking it out first. Acting on what you assume your partner is thinking is not a good strategy and often fuels conflict. Now, let’s examine how to handle assumptions.

Do check-out assumptions with your spouse

Mind-reading rarely works. A more effective approach is to check-out your assumptions with your spouse. Here's how it can work with the assumption: "My spouse should know what I need." Checking out assumption:“It’s been a rough day at work and I am overwhelmed with all the household work staring at me. Do you know what I need right now?" If your partner doesn't answer correctly you can say, "I could use a hug and a little help with the dishes.” Clarifying your need and asking your spouse for support is a reasonable request. It is not a sign of weakness on your part. Nor is it a bad sign if your spouse doesn’t know what you need at the time. Throughout married life we are students of each other. Students learn and get better at anticipating needs, but early on we all have to be taught.

#2: Do not talk over your spouse

Talking over someone is a clear act of disrespect. You have something to say too, but if you interrupt your partner, the conversation may get off the rails. Next thing you know, your mate is talking over you and the interaction escalates. Couples talk over each other for a variety of reasons:

when they feel really excited about something and want to share it, but can’t wait for their partner to stop talking
when they feel like the only way they can get a chance to speak is to interrupt
when they disagree with the facts of a story and feel the need to correct the narrative
when they feel something negative coming from their partner. This is a knee-jerk reaction to defend oneself.

Interrupting is rude and signals to your partner that you care more about your voice being heard than hers or his. Is this what you want?

Do listen with genuine interest

When you’re spouse is talking to you, show genuine interest. Stop what you’re doing, put down your device, and look her or him in the eye. This courteous act conveys respect. Sometimes you might not like or agree with what your spouse is saying. The temptation to interrupt is strong. Don’t do it! You’ll get your turn to talk. Hold back and let your partner finish talking. Slow down, be patient, and try to understand the gist of what he or she is trying to say. Doing this will help you both resolve the issue.

#3: Don’t use harsh language

Misunderstandings between couples can cause things to heat up really fast. Reactive dialogue has a rapid back-n-forth motion with a lot of talking and very little listening. When things heat up a couple is in danger of using harsh language. No one likes to be on the receiving end of this. Developing a pattern of harsh language will do serious damage longterm.

Do speak with respect

Think before you speak. Not just what to say, but how to say it. The difference between a complaint and criticism is the tone you use. A tone of respect conveys your message more effectively. Here are a few pointers that help you speak with respect:

Get a quick grip on your emotions
Take a few deep breaths
Don’t blame your partner for how you feel
Use “I” and “we” language when you speak
- Avoid saying, “You made me angry!”
- Instead say, “I am angry about what you said.”

#4: Don’t blame problems on your spouse

Among the furniture in your home is a hot seat. You can’t see it, but you will know when you’re on it. No one likes being on the hot seat. Yet, in every marriage one of you is going to be sitting on it! Mistakes, mishaps, and failures happen in every relationship. Because you are an imperfect person, with an imperfect spouse/partner, you have an imperfect relationship. Undoubtedly, you will do something wrong. Blaming your problems on your spouse is bad form! You have to own your faults and take responsibility for your actions. Assigning blame to your partner is a sign of weakness on your part and will build resentment in your spouse.

Do accept responsibility for your actions and repair the harm caused to your mate

Lies, diversions, or blaming others makes matters worse. Owning your mistakes is a sign of maturity that builds trust. When you are on the hot seat think repair. You want to repair the offense against your mate.

#5: Don’t try to win every argument

If you like to get your way all the time, you will have an unsatisfying marriage. Your spouse may give in to you, but he or she will silently resent you. More often than not a protest will come in the form of some passive-aggressive behavior. You may win an argument but you will lose on something else that likely would not have occurred had you been open to a discussion. One-sided relationships have a short shelf life.

Do seek win-win outcomes

When you have discussion about matters that have mutual interest, be open to what your spouse has to say. Give consideration to each other’s point of view. Try a collaborative approach in your communication, giving equal weight to each other’s point of view. Find compromise, seek win-win outcomes. Remember not to talk over each other. Listen well and summarize what you hear before you give your opinion. By taking this approach you are more likely to reach a mutually satisfying decision.

3 Critical Expectations You Cannot Avoid Talking About

donald — Sun, 27 May 2018 12:30:05 +0000

[powerpress] When it comes to expectations about married life this is a question in the minds of most partners. “What do you expect from me?” Have you asked this of each other? And—have you taken time to unpack your expectations about spending life together? You might be surprised at how many couples don’t take sufficient time to tackle the myriad of questions surrounding marriage and raising a family. A mutual discussion about topics like:

How do you envision your role in our marriage?
What about the division of labor when it comes to responsibilities?
Do you want kids? If so, how many? When do you want to start?
How do you see us keeping our marriage a priority?
What are your views about extended family relationships and how to blend our expectations about traditions, holidays, family get togethers, etc…
What are you thoughts about how to manage finances?

If you want to get started on the right foot together then get into the habit of discussing expectations. Here’s why. Talking about expectations is important in the beginning and throughout marriage Marriage, like life, does not follow a linear path. While you may envision your marriage, life events will occur that you are unable to factor in right now. The vows you make when you get married prepare you for “good times and bad, in sickness and health, etc…”. Setting expectations together help you define how to live together. It also increases the probability that you will have what you want as a couple. Why? Because when you clarify your expectations, you will work hard together to achieve them. [Tweet "Talking about expectations is important in the beginning and throughout marriage"] When new events happen, for example a job relocation, you will be able to navigate decisions more effectively because you have developed the skill of communicating your expectations with each other. The list of expectation questions above is a good place to start if you haven’t already begun to talk together. Keep in mind that expectation conversations are important to have throughout married life. Needs change, thus expectations change as well. There are three types of expectations to address:

Personal expectations - what I want you to know about me
Relational expectations - how we will connect as a couple
Transactional expectations - how we will function as a couple

Let’s take a closer look at these.

Personal expectations: what I want you to know about me

Do you know what you envision for your life? Not that you need to have it all figured out, but can you describe the larger brushstrokes? Being clear with each other about who you are and what you want in life is very important. Why? Knowing what to expect about your mate’s personal interests and life ambitions help you know how to support each other. Furthermore, it will help guide couple decisions so that both of you can live fulfilling lives. Couples who have ongoing conversations about personal expectations avoid future conflicts. They are more equipped to accommodate the aspirations each bring into the marriage. By doing this each partner feels respect and support.

Relational Expectations: how we will connect as a couple

What do you expect your marriage to look like? How will you be as a couple? This gets into talking about your connection as a couple. Being clear with your partner about how to be toward each other is important. A major problem with married couples is putting their relationship on the back burner after they start having kids. Unhealthy relational patterns quickly form and cause problems for the couple. You can avoid this pitfall by setting your expectations early on and holding your marriage accountable to connect regularly as a couple. Here are some examples of what couples expect from each other.

I expect you to treat me with respect at all times and in all situations
I expect you to have my back in tough situations
I expect you to learn my love language and speak it often
I expect you to own up to your mistakes and correct them
I expect you to be honest and loyal to me
I expect us to go out on dates even when life gets busy with kids
I expect us to keep the romance alive
I expect us to keep learning from each other and grow together
I expect us to resolve our differences and not hold grudges
I expect us to stay friends and have fun too

Now that we’ve identified some relational, let's look at transactional expectations.

Transactional Expectations: how we will function as a couple

Entering into married life together you are confronted with expectations about how you will function together in a home. If you plan to start a family, they will increase. Depending on your family background, culture, and/or religious values, your views on roles and responsibilities may not perfectly align. Also, in most households today both spouses work. Negotiating a division of labor in the home is important. Couples who don’t talk about transaction expectations ahead of time encounter problems because they are operating off of individual assumptions about the roles and responsibilities. You can avoid this trap by having ongoing discussions what you expect from each other in areas such as:

Household: cooking, cleaning, daily chores, weekly chores, etc…
Managing finances: paying bills, spending, budgets, saving, investments, etc…
Parenting: childrearing, education, medical, doctor visits, activities
Shopping: groceries, clothes, furnishings, auto
Repairs: house, auto, etc…

If you want less conflict and more connection then get into the habit of discussing these 3 expectations.

Now it's your turn

How do you fare as a couple talking about expectations. Is there a discussion in one of these 3 areas that needs some attention? Rather than avoid, why not take time today to touch base?

How to Heal When Love Hurts

donald — Sat, 02 Jun 2018 12:26:36 +0000

[powerpress] I see the pain of love everyday. Love hurts. I'm experiencing it right now as the failing health of my mom is a stark reminder that I will not have her with me forever. How can something that feels so powerfully good, feel so awful at times? In Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, he lists “love and belonging” as a fundamental human need for survival. Loving and being loved is a basic human longing. The most fulfilling life experience is to love and be loved. Love comes in various forms: familial love, friendship, romance, pets, etc… Relationships have a beginning and an end. Holding on feels so good. Letting go hurts so bad. The first jolt of pain hits most of us in our teenage years when we experience our first love. The inevitable reak-up really hurts. Love hurts not just at the end, but along the journey too. For some, the hurt can exceed the happiness. For example:

Disappointment - a pattern of negative behavior from someone you love hurts. Repeated broken promises is another disappointment that hurts.
Faded love - falling in then falling out of love. While one feels love, the other finds it has faded away.
Betrayal - from someone you love feels like a dagger in your heart.
Unanticipated Endings - terminal illness, tragic accident
Natural Endings - the natural course of ending after a life well lived.

The movie, Shadowlands portrays the story of author/professor, C.S. Lewis’ marriage to the American poet, Joy Gresham. Originally, the marriage was a transactional agreement to provide a pathway for Joy to secure citizenship in England. The couple eventually fell in love. Shortly thereafter Joy was diagnosed with a terminal illness that took her life. Lewis, struggled with the concept of love because of the pain involved. Here is an excerpt from the movie. Jack (C.S. Lewis): Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal. Joy Gresham: We can't have the happiness of yesterday without the pain of today. That's the deal. The pain of love is inevitable. We cannot have the happiness of love without at some point, experiencing the pain.

How to Heal When Love Hurts

When the behavior of someone you love wounds your heart it hurts. One may wonder, “Can I survive this?” “How do I cope?” Knowing that some pain is inevitable, how does one heal? And--is it worth it to love again? Tough questions. Here are 5 ways to heal when love hurts.

#1: Embrace the pain

Don’t try to suppress or avoid the emotional pain. You have to muster the courage to be present with your feelings. Release the hurt. Express the emotion. Let the tears flow.

#2: Express your pain to a supportive person

Sometimes you will be all alone when the hurt surfaces. Remember #1. You will also need a trusted person nearby to express your feelings when love hurts. A supportive person can offer you comfort, a shoulder to cry on. You will not feel completely alone.

#3: Allow healing to take it’s natural course

You cannot fast track your feelings. Avoiding, suppressing, moving on, not thinking about it, is not a healthy approach. Your pain will leak out in ways that do not serve you well. Take the pressure off yourself to get over it quickly. Nor should you go on mourning forever. If you follow steps 1 and 2, healing will likely follow a natural course.

#4: Treasure the good and forgive the bad

The journey of love contains memories and experiences that were deeply meaningful at the time. Or, it produced something that has lasting value. Treasure the good. Don’t discard it because of the bad. Find it in your heart to forgive the bad that occurred when love hurt.

#5: Purpose to love again

Because the pain of love hurts so deeply, some fear loving again. It’s akin to touching a hot stove. It hurts and you don’t want to experience that anymore. You can choose safety and be lonely. Or, you can take a risk to love again and experience the deep meaning that comes from love and belonging, understanding that ending is a natural part of the journey.

Now it's your turn

Are you feeling hurt by love? What can you do today to heal? Review the 5 areas and choose one thing you can do to address your pain.

How to work through major problems

donald — Fri, 08 Jun 2018 22:58:01 +0000

[powerpress] All couples encounter major problems from time-to-time. You are not going to get along 24/7. Problems don’t disappear once you adjust. Expect occasional conflicts throughout married life. This is normal. Problems may be minor or major depending on the circumstances. Most couples can manage to get through minor problems. All of us need help navigating our way through the major issues that flare up. One of the biggest traps I see couples get into is stockpiling their problems instead of resolving them. You definitely want to avoid this trap! [Tweet "Don’t stockpile your problems. Work through them together."]

#1 Focus on the problem, not the person

In conflict, a knee-jerk reaction is to focus on your spouse as the problem. A disagreement can flare quickly. Soon, the problem is not the problem. It is your partner’s view. We can react to an opposing view by saying:

“You’re absolutely wrong!”
“You’re crazy!”
“You don’t have a clue!”
“I cannot believe you see it that way.”

Notice how the spouse is now the problem? Why? Because he or she doesn’t see things your way. Couples can quickly move into a power struggle over who is right and wrong. This back-n-forth interaction shifts attention from the problem to a person. For example, take Jon and Kaylee. Jon wants to get rid of his clunker and buy a new car. The couple did not factor a car payment into their budget. Kaylee thinks Jon’s idea won’t work financially and voices her opposition. Jon is upset with Kaylee’s response and the following argument ensues. Jon - “I cannot believe you don’t agree with this idea. Do you expect me to drive this piece of junk forever? Whenever it comes to things I want, you’re not on board. It’s not fair Kaylee, I bend backwards to support what you want!” Kaylee - “Jon you are so impulsive. How do you expect us to pay for a new car? Where do you think we are going to get the money? I can support an idea that makes sense. You keep coming up with these stupid ideas that don’t work. Sorry dude, I’m not on board.” Notice how the conversation shifted from the problem (car purchase) to a person? Jon views Kaylee’s inflexibility as the problem and she sees Jon’s impulsivity as the issue at hand. They are quickly off topic. To work through major problems you have to see your spouse as an ally, not an adversary. You may see differently on how to resolve a problem but to find a solution you cannot make it personal just because you disagree. Let’s see how Jon and Kaylee would stay on topic by focusing on the issue of the car. Jon: “I know we did not budget for a car and we may not afford it, but I think it is an important purchase.” Kaylee: “True, it’s not in our budget so I cannot see how we can afford a new car. How do you propose we pay for it?”

#2: Keep your emotions in check

Jon wants to feel supported. Kaylee wants to feel secure. If your spouse’s reaction to the problem triggers an emotion, it may intensify spontaneously and manifest in your response. This is what caused this couple to come off the rails so quickly. So, how do you keep your emotions in check? Here are some tips:

Take a few deep breaths from your diaphragm.
- This will calm your physiological system (mind and body)
Identify your emotion.
- You might think right away that it’s anger. More often, anger is a secondary emotion. What’s underneath is primary. Jon may have felt dismissed. Kaylee may have felt pressured.
Express your emotion with controlled intensity
- “I’m feeling a little pressured by your approach” is a better delivery than “You’re making me angry!”

#3: Use “I” terminology to express your thoughts & feelings about the problem

“You” statements may be inflammatory and ignite a negative reaction from your spouse. When you begin your statements with “I think…” or “I feel…” your partner is less likely to be defensive and may be more open to what you’re saying. This approach requires you slow down and get in touch with your thoughts and feelings. Slowing down also reduces tension and increases attention. Jon: “I have been feeling so stressed driving the clunker to work. Last thing I need is to be late to my new job. I’ve been thinking that a new car would be good for this reason and for us too if we want to drive into the city. I anticipated you might be worried about whether we can afford it. I’d like for us to talk about it.” Kaylee: “I hear what you’re saying Jon. I am nervous about buying a car. On the other hand, if we can come up with a solution that satisfies us both, I’m open to a discussion. Have you considered us buying a used car?” Notice the difference when the couple uses “I” language. They are fully engaged and listening to each other. Defensiveness is down. They are in a better position to collaborate a decision.

#4: Give mutual consideration to each other’s input to the problem

Couples become mired in conflict when they become fixated on convincing each other on their position. Active listening is missing. They argue back-n-forth on the merits of their singular view and find ways to discredit the other. A better approach is to take turns talking about the problem giving each other a few minutes to state their case. The listener summarizes the speaker’s point of view in order to communicate understanding. Then they switch positions to allow the other partner the opportunity to be fully hear. Kaylee: “Okay Jon, what I hear you saying is that neither of us factored in a car in our budget which is a mishap on our part. You also think that a new car might be better than sinking money fixing a clunker that is on it’s last leg.” Jon: “I understand your concern about the stress on our finances Kaylee. You’re worried that we might not be able to stay on top of our bills.” This approach gives mutual consideration to points of view and provides important information to guide the couple in resolving the major problem.

#5: Collaborate to find a mutually satisfying resolution

If you follow steps 1-4 you are positioned to collaborate an outcome that you both can feel good about. Collaboration suspends both points of view equally and opens creative thinking portals. Jon: “Here’s a thought. Instead of buying a new car, why don’t we shop around for a good used car?” Kaylee: “I feel more comfortable with that idea Jon. Let’s make sure that the car we buy is in good condition and can last awhile.” Jon & Kaylee decided to find a good used car that will stretch their budget a little without creating a huge layer of stress. The benefits of the newer car were more than they expected and they felt good that they were able to make this decision together.

How to Support a Dying Parent

donald — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 01:06:42 +0000

[powerpress] If you are a regular subscriber to my blog, by now you learned my mother died peacefully in her sleep a week ago. I could not have scripted a better ending to a remarkable life. My father died 24 years ago, so now I'm parentless. It feels empty. I miss my mom terribly. Fortunately, I am blessed with in-law parents who are so loving and gracious. If you've lost a parent, I'm sure you identify with what I'm going through. My heartfelt condolences to readers currently grieving a loss. My four siblings and I did a fairly good job walking with mom in the final chapter of her life. We met often to address mom's health concerns and stepped in to give her support when her dependency needs increased. We wanted mom to remain the author of her story, but we were always present to give her input so she wasn't alone facing her declining health. This approach helped us process what was happening with grace and dignity. We had some amazing experiences along the way and moments of intimacy with mom that prepared us for what was coming. Nothing was left to do or say. I spent the night with mom on Friday and the next morning, unbeknownst to me, was her final visit to the hairdresser. Getting her hair done was one of the few things left she could really enjoy. I watched Nancy, her stylist do the final tease on her hair and she looked so beautiful. One the way home my mom said, "I hate been such a burden on my children." I said, "Mom, you're not a burden, you're a blessing!" I can honestly say we did well in caring for our mother in her final chapter of life. So let me leave you with 5 things you don't want to do when faced with a parent who's dying.

#1: Don’t avoid the inevitable

At some point in life you will face the inevitable reality that your parents will die. Unfortunately some face this as early as childhood, while most of us confront this reality in our adult life. Dying is not something we find easy to accept when it comes to a family member. We know our parents as strong leaders, people we look up to and rely upon. But aging takes over, illness increases. Eventually, you confront the inevitable. This is especially true when death is imminent. Don’t fear it or avoid it. Instead, face it with courage. Talk about it with your siblings or people you trust. Share your worries and concerns. You can find support and guidance when you face the inevitable.

#2: Don’t wait too long to begin a conversation

As your parent ages you will see a gradual decline in independence. This is a very hard adjustment for a senior adult. Privately they fear increasing dependence and change in quality of life. If you have siblings, it would be wise to have private conversations to address your concerns about your aging parent before you talk with him or her. Identify growing dependency needs. Highlight areas of independence your parent still exhibits. Have a conversation with your parent about the aging process. Ask questions about what they notice about themselves. Afterward, share your observations and express your concerns.

#3: Don’t live with regret

There is a scene from the movie, “Meet Joe Black” where the main character, William Parrish knows he’s going to die that night. His daughter suspects but is not quite sure. He talks to her about living without regret. William Parrish: I want you to know how much I love you, that you've given a meaning to my life that I had no right to expect, that no one can ever take from me. Susan Parrish: Dad... William Parrish: No! I love you so much. And I want you to promise me something. I don't want you to ever worry about me. If anything should happen, I'm gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be all right. I have no regrets. And I want you to feel the same way. As long as your parent is alive you have opportunity to say or do something that communicates a sentiment or heals a wound. After a loved-one dies some people live with two types of regret:

What I could have said
What I could have done

Are there sentiments you want to convey to your parent? Make time to do it. Are there things you could be doing to support? Step in and act.

#4: Don’t control the person or process

The loss of independence is difficult for an aging parent. Concerned children feel the need to step in and take control. A tension exists between two polarities:

Passivity - avoiding taking responsible action
Controlling - taking more control than necessary

Function in the middle. Give your parent control of the process consistent with their mental state. We had frequent conversations with our mother about what she wanted as her health declined. It was important to us that she felt in control of her life. If you have siblings, be sure you give each one an opportunity to speak and be heard. I am the fourth of five children. My input was valued as much as my firstborn brother. Even our youngest brother Tom who is developmentally delayed had input. We wanted him to be on this journey with us. It helped him accept the loss of mom because he was kept in the loop.

#5: Don’t suppress your grief

Grief is a natural human response to loss. The cluster of emotions: sadness, fear, anger, confusion must find a healthy outlet for release. Expressing sadness, sharing your feelings about the loss of a parent may not come naturally for some. You may be inclined to avoid painful emotions. However, if you do allow yourself a release of emotion, you will feel better sooner. On the day of mom's funeral the 5 siblings, our spouses, children and grandchildren were all noticeably filled with grief. We hugged and cried on each other's shoulders. We laughed at stories and sang the songs mom loved the best. It all felt right. Mom left on her terms, quietly in her sleep and we were with her till the glorious end.

Will it be enough for me to stay?

donald — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 13:37:15 +0000

[powerpress] "We're not in a good place and haven't been for some time. My partner doesn't want the relationship to end and is willing to work harder at it. Will it be enough for me to stay?" Relationships suffer from a prolonged lack of attention. Despair morphs into disillusion. Walls of self-protection are constructed slowly and methodically over years. Every disappointment, hurt, rejection, or betrayal is another brick to insulate the heart from future pain. Co-existing behind walls is not ideal, but for many it is functional. The family is intact but they keep each other at a distance. Yet the absence of connection and the yearning to feel safe and loved remains a deep personal need for distant partners. Leaving is one way to break out of the fog of confusion. But is it the right choice? "My partner wants doesn’t want to end the marriage. He or she wants to work on the relationship. I hear ownership, a commitment to change, an openness to do things differently. Is it real? Will it last? And—will the outcome be enough for me to stay?" These are 3 familiar questions I hear from couples contemplating restoring an unhappy marriage. Friends, family, or co-workers may offer advice based on their own experiences. Some may be helpful especially when they help you look at it from both perspectives. Others can be jaded based upon personal experience. Deciding to work on an unhappy marriage in the end, is up to you. Staying to give it a try will have some challenges. Leaving has challenges too. So, my answer to the 3 questions is: “Some time will tell.” Notice I underscore some. Let me explain what I mean as you read on. 3 things need to happen during this time period.

#1: Honesty needs to happen

If change is going to be real you need to be honest with yourself and each other. You have to speak the truth to your partner about what has happened and how you feel. Honesty will hurt. Especially when you are confronted with the truth about what you’ve done and how your partner feels in the relationship. Let's talk about ownership. If you or your spouse cannot honestly own your faults without excuses then you might as well end the relationship now. Don’t delay the agony of staying together under false pretenses any longer. Let's talk about commitment to change. You also need to be honest with yourself and your partner if you are committed to working on changing yourself. Are you doing this for yourself or to save the marriage? If you’re doing it to save the marriage it is probably not going to last. It’s more like a short term solution to a long term problem, but you’re not getting to the core. If you are committed to change for yourself regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you will work harder and potentially have lasting results. People who are truly honest will put in the hard work and not give up even when faced with resistance. They prove their honesty in the early phase and throughout because they want permanent change. By the way, if you can’t do the work because you’re tired and too much has happened, you need to be honest with yourself and your partner that it is over. It’s time to move on. Do not delay the inevitable. It will only make it harder.

#2: Openness to work together needs to happen

If your partner is out from behind the wall and making the effort, you can’t hide behind the wall waiting for proof. The act of stepping out from behind the wall is initial evidence. You will need to take a step outside your wall too. Openness to work together requires some vulnerability on your part. You will have to give some consideration for a period of time that the words and actions of your partner are honest and sincere. Your alarm system will go off warning you to dismiss the actions as lies or an act. This is normal. The key is to remain open to the effort of your partner by showing some form of acknowledgment. “I can see you are trying” is acknowledgment. “I’m not yet convinced by your actions but I am open to consider it.” Reciprocity of effort is important during this time period. Positive acknowledgment of positive effort is likely to bring more, thus establishing a pattern of behavior in the relationship that is honest and respectful. This pattern promotes healing.

#3: Willingness to rebuild trust needs to happen

Trust involves risk. Is is real? Will it last? Is it enough for me to say today I trust you? Honesty and openness fosters a willingness to rebuild trust. Consistent effort over time builds trust. If over the course of a few months this honest and respectful interaction is ongoing, trust has the opportunity to be rebuilt. You have to be willing to give trust a try again. Dispensing trust in a moment by moment, day by day, response to trustworthy behavior is an effort that works. Here's my formula for trust. Trust = behavior over time. If the behavior is consistent in the short term, you can extend it for a few more months. If it remains consistent, give it more time. After one year of sustained effort the probability for lasting change is high.

2 Likely Outcomes to This Approach

Over some time the answer to your 3 questions will be clear. It will generate one of two outcomes:

You stayed and it worked out over a period of time.
You stayed and after a short period of time you realized it wasn’t going to work and you decided to end.

Listen, you don’t have to be trapped in an unhappy relationship. Nor are you are not destined to co-exist behind walls of self-protection. You can find an answer to these questions in the short term. A year or less is likely going to give you an answer.

7 Ways You Can Make Your Marriage Better

donald — Fri, 26 Oct 2018 19:18:30 +0000

[powerpress] 2018 has been a mixed bag in my marriage. We had some pretty cool things happen. Like our trip to Switzerland with my youngest son Jordan. But then we also experienced some pain. Two weeks before the trip my mom died. Additionally, my wife Marian was dealing with chronic stress at work. Meanwhile I have been busy working on another business set to launch in January 2019. We didn't realize until recently how much of a toll these things were taking on our marriage. We weren't in crisis by any stretch but a gradual distance was creeping in. I'd say there was less connection, and a little more conflict. Eventually we talked about it. We opened up about how we were feeling and what was contributing to the disconnect. The consensus was, "we are better than this". So, we decided to get back to the things we find works well for us.

Aren't we better than this?

A common question in the minds of many couples fraught by frenetic activity that keeps them locked into the busyness of family life and often at odds with each other. They keep giving to everyone else and have little left for themselves or each other for that matter. Bad habits can form quickly in marriage. Couples interact in passing. Short quick “hello” “goodbye”. Hardly time for a kiss or an embrace. Text has replaced talk. “I’m busy. You need something, text me.”

Marriage Malnutrition Epidemic

Couples on the go suffer from malnutrition. The marriage is not being fed. Not surprising why so many couples are “fed up” with each other. Needs are not being met. I see this pattern a lot. It concerns me. Couples lose interest in each other. Some prefer to go out with friends over each other. Couples who do not connect regularly retreat to private places in the house where they can be alone, watch tv, engage in social media, or catch up on work. Alone they may wonder, “What happened to us? Aren’t we better than this?” You are better than this! Your marriage may not need a heart transplant. It probably needs some nutrition. Marian and I got better by feeding our relationship. All it took was a few simple gestures every day. Here are 7 ways you can make your relationship better.

#1: Start by being nice to each other.

Malnourished couples lack basic kindness. It's apparent in their interactions. The tone of voice is often negative or flat. Lacks positive sentiment. They wait behind their well-constructed walls. Neither wants to make the first move. If this describes your relationship, consider “waving a white flag” with each other. Remember you are allies, not adversaries. Being nice begins with your disposition. Try being more positive and less negative. Be thoughtful. Start by doing little nice things for each other. Small acts of kindness over the course of a week can ease tension and show good faith effort that you care about your spouse. When you do, don’t draw attention to it. If your spouse doesn’t notice it or comment, don’t take it negatively. Do it out of the kindness of your heart, not to score points, or prove yourself.

#2: Try changing your tone when you talk.

Tone can make or break your message. Slow down. Don’t speak so fast. Think before you speak. Rehearse your words. Find your respectful voice.

#3: Tune in when your mate is speaking to you.

Stop and focus on your spouse when spoken to. Mute the TV. Put your device down. Turn away from the computer screen. Take a deep breath, focus.

#4: Take an interest in what is going on in each other’s day.

It only takes a few minutes to check in with each other about what is going on in the day. An important client meeting? Pitching a proposal? Having lunch with a friend? I talked with a client today whose husband was going for a fourth level interview with a company. She asked him how he felt about it and expressed confidence in his ability to do well. This couple has been struggling in their marriage. He thanked her for the boost in confidence.

#5: Increase the amount of affection you express to each other.

Affection on the run doesn't cut it. How about taking a few more seconds and be intentional. An extended hug followed by, “You look great in that outfit” is a great send off. Be intentional at the end of a workday to greet each other some affection. Back or foot rubs on the couch watching Netflix is a good idea too!

#6: Own your mistakes, repair them, and move forward.

Stop being defensive. If you’re wrong, own it. Don’t make excuses. Simply apologize and fix the problem. Partners who don’t admit mistakes do serious damage to the relationship. It is disrespectful to your mate. Moving forward includes forgiveness. Sincere apologies should be matched by genuine forgiveness. Spouses who hold on to offenses and harbor anger also hurt a marriage. Forgiveness should not be pressured, nor should it be delayed beyond a reasonable time.

#7: Invest time in your marriage outside of the home

Your marriage needs enrichment to avoid malnutrition. Get out of the house and away from the work staring you in the face. Enjoy a cappuccino together in a local coffee shop. Go for a jog or walk. Schedule a weekend or overnight getaway together w/o kids. It doesn't take much effort to feed your marriage. A little attention with some consistency can make a noticeable difference.