How to respond when your woman is becoming emotional

 In Connecting, Emotional Expression, Emotions, Managing Emotions, Relationships, Women's Issues

Most guys don’t know how to respond when their woman becomes emotional. It reminds me of a classic scene from the movie, “A League of Their Own”.

“There’s no crying in baseball!”

In the movie, Tom Hanks plays a drunken, worn out manager of an all women baseball league. He does the typical angry manager reaction to a player who made a terrible play in the outfield. The problem is, she is a female who doesn’t respond well to in-your-face screaming. Her reaction is an outburst in tears, to which the manager reacts with a loud declaration (in red).

Men don’t respond well to female emotions

Men do not know how to respond when women cry.

Sometimes they react.
“What’s your problem?”
“Will you stop with the tears!”
“Oh, here you go again…”
“I can’t believe you’re crying over this.”

Some guys disengage, or have the “deer in headlights” look.

Bottom line guys–none of these work for the woman in your life.

What’s the problem with men? Do they lack a sensitivity chip? Do they care about a woman’s feelings? Are they afraid of weaker emotions?

The root of a man’s problem

It’s not a difference male vs female “wiring”. Actually, it’s a difference in male vs female “rearing”. Sadness, fear, loneliness, are softer emotions often expressed by women through tears–crying. Guys are raised to avoid the softer/weaker emotions. “Big boys don’t cry!” This is a rule drilled into the minds of young boys as a means to socially engineer us for the expectations of manhood–to protect and provide–to conquer and achieve. “There’s no crying in manhood.”

This places men at a disadvantage when it comes to forming deep, meaningful connections with women. In the early phase of romance guys are actually pretty good at expressing and responding to emotions. I think it is connected to the activation of the primal hunt to capture the woman.

Most men are good in the short term in being emotionally available. Once they capture the woman, guys shift back to being guys. This is very confusing for women. “What happened to the sensitive and romantic guy who swept me off my feet?”

Men do care, they just show it different

Women look for emotional empathy and support. Guys are more likely to respond with cognitive (rational) empathy. In other words, they are going to try to fix the problem of crying. So your guy may try to get you to stop crying by saying, “It’s not necessary to get emotional.” Or he may try to do something for you or distract you from your emotions.

His intentions are caring, but his approach doesn’t work. He can come across as being totally insensitive. Actually, he is doing what he has been reared to do–avoid weaker emotions. This is not an excuse, it’s an explanation.
A man can learn how to respond when his woman becomes emotional.

It’s not like we are ruined by how we were raised. Emotions are not categorized by male vs female. Emotions are human–guys are human–so these emotions are down there somewhere. They just need to be activated. For now, let’s just focus on how a guy can respond to his woman. Allow me to give our male readers a few tips on what to do when your woman becomes emotional.

How to respond when your woman becomes emotional

I often hear guys make excuses. “I can’t respond the way she wants. I’m not wired like that!” Again, this is not about how you’re wired, it’s about how you were raised. You can learn how to respond when your woman becomes emotional. It’s not rocket science. Let’s break it down to 5 simple steps.

Start by normalizing her crying

You must start by normalizing crying. It is simply an emotional response that needs a release point. She needs you to be with her, not fix her.

Don’t overreact to what you think is an overreaction

This is not a time to judge tears. Avoid saying things to stop the crying. It won’t work. In fact, it will make her cry even more. Sadness mixed with anger toward you will make the situation worse. Don’t go there!

Take a couple of deep breaths to find your calm

A few deep breaths synchronizes your mind and body in a calm and relaxful state, perfectly suitable to the situation. Your calm will be soothing to her emotions. You will come across strong and steady enough to help her process through her feelings and find her calm.

Validate her emotions

Validate her sadness. “I can see you’re upset.” Signal to your woman that it is okay to feel emotional. Tell her it is okay to cry.

Move toward your woman and hold her

Tender, physical touch is crucial to emotional release. Most women respond positively to this approach. If you are not sure, ask your woman if you can put your arm around her. Hold her until she let’s it out. If you use this approach, the crying will likely end soon because you have adopted a non-judgmental, calm and compassionate posture.

Receive your manly award

Men who handle women who cry get awards.
Sensitive man award – awarded to the guy who can tune into female emotions.
Strong man award – awarded to the guy who demonstrates strength in the midst of female emotional turmoil.
Safety man award – awarded to the guy who holds his girl while she cries and makes her feel safe.
Sexy man award – awarded to the guy who can balance being a “man’s man” and “his lady’s man”.

Now it’s your turn

So, how do you respond when your woman becomes emotional? Perhaps you have a tip or two you can share with us that we can add to the list. Feel free to leave a comment below or on one of my social media sites.

Recent Posts
Work with Me

Contact Don About Relationship Coaching